To call him my husband?

[WingingItMumma]

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

So why aren't you married then, if it's just a piece of paper and nothing will really change, why not just go and do it now?

The brothers excuse just sounds like your partner is stalling and you referring to him as your husband when he isn't sounds like you know he's stalling and you're not sure marriage is actually going to happen.

I’ve been married for a decade and people in shops, tradesmen etc still don’t assume I’m married. He’s never referred to as my husband by others. I find it hard to believe that they would make that kind of judgement.

He is your Common Law husband so yes you can call him that.

Bit awkward if you don’t actually end up getting married. Maybe he’s using the brothers as a stalling tactic...

I'm going to have a chat with him and see what he says. I'd be surprised if he disagreed, given the circumstances

Op, this just gets odder to be honest. That you have been sitting thinking of calling him your husband, wanted to put put “social feelers” to see how acceptable it was to lie. And only now have decided to talk to him.

@Choccylips

He is your Common Law husband so yes you can call him that.

No he’s not. Don’t be daft 😂😂😂

I think you should sit him down and tell him how important this is to you and that you're going to make the appointment to get married at the registration office. Don't accept any more excuses. It's been 5 years and you have a DC. Have the small wedding and then have another larger one once people are allowed to travel again.

This will solve the calling him husband problem as then he will be!

@Choccylips you’re incorrect

I'd call him "my lover". "my lover doesn't like this paint" sounds so much better than husband.

Aww I really loved calling my husband ‘fiancé’ the romantic in me think it sounds formal but exciting and fun.

Our relationship does seem to carry a lot more weight socially, particularly in more formal settings. We too cohabited and lived as we were married but we did feel the dynamic changed in a good way after we were wed.

There are a great deal of legal implications and protections too that marriage brings.

If you call him your husband when he isn’t, people might wonder if he’s dragging his heels. Call him your fiancé and let everyone know you’re soon to be Mrs WingingItMumma :)

I wondered when the unmarried mother judgement would start. You were quick, well done.

Eh? I thought women were better educated about marriage these days, but no, people still believe the 'smug marrieds' are out to get them.

Yes it is weird. And not just a piece of paper but a huge amount of legal protections (as well as a social commitment no other).

Don’t overthink it, just get married at the next opportunity and have a celebration with his family when they are around. Don’t hold up your marriage for the ‘right time’ there may never be one.

YABU and defensive because you know you’re wrong.

This is the worst part:

I'm talking in general conversation with people. "I'd love to paint the lounge bright pink but I think the husband might have something to say" - it's not that deep

Not correcting a stranger during a chat is fine but actively calling him your husband is just so weird. It’s an outright lie. Ask yourself why you’re doing it? Boyfriend is fine for your situation.

@YoniAndGuy

It's just a bit silly.

He isn't your husband.

And it's really, really, REALLY not just a piece of paper.

So..... if I were you, I would very much not lull yourself into some kind of sense of security by starting to call him 'husband' when he is not, and when you are as vulnerable as any other woman who has a child with a man she isn't married to.

Get the piece of paper. ASAP.

This, a thousand times over.

Never mind his brothers, OP: make it legal asap.

XH and I got married in a register office with two friends as witnesses (I was pregnant at the time). It was the most useful 15 minutes I have ever spent.

If having other people there matters, do it now and say you can't invite anyone due to Covid - then have a celebration for family and friends. If his brothers are decent people, they will know that you really do need to be married as you have a child together. Not morally or because marriage is "special" - but because being married confers legal obligations. You might think you will never need to worry about this - I thought I wouldn't - but you have no idea what's going to happen, and you need to make sure there is clarity for everyone.,

That aside, you can call your partner whatever you like when you refer to him when you're talking to random people.

OP: Oh yes, my husband has one of those (or other generic phrase).
Other person: I didn’t realise you were married. How long have you been married for?

Awkward

@WingingItMumma

What does he call you?

Take your cue from him but do hurry along to that register office as quickly as you can.

I would think you very odd indeed if I found out you had been referring to someone as your husband when you weren't married.

I would wonder what else you were lying about....

@Choccylips there is no such thing as a ‘common law’ marriage or husband. Please don’t spread this myth, as often women find themselves shocked after the death of their partner when they thought they had some kind of legal rights but they don’t.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS COMMON LAW MARRIAGE it is a myth.

I'd love to know how being unmarried makes the OP vulnerable? She might have a lot of money and be a high earner dating someone with no money/earning nothing. Which is fine. But stating that OP as an unmarried woman IS a poor vulnerable thing without a doubt is ridiculous.

On another, I always find it a bit hard when a person calls someone their husband/wife when they are not married... Just get married and have the party later.

@Choccylips

He is your Common Law husband so yes you can call him that.

There's no such thing in law.

I was in the same position - except we'd been together for longer! I once referred to him as my husband rather than partner - and honestly, the next question the person I was talking to asked, was 'where did we get married'!!! I then had to say 'well....we didn't...we aren't....' and I looked like a bit of an idiot really!

So I didn't do it again!

@Bluntness100

I'm going to have a chat with him and see what he says. I'd be surprised if he disagreed, given the circumstances

Op, this just gets odder to be honest. That you have been sitting thinking of calling him your husband, wanted to put put “social feelers” to see how acceptable it was to lie. And only now have decided to talk to him.

I think I'm gonna stop reading on here now because what started out as what I thought would be a light hearted conversation has led to people judging my relationship, my partner and me as a person. I never said "should I tell my friends I'm married when I'm not" - I was referring to random conversations with people I don't know.

I wasn't even really being that serious in my first post, just looking to pass the time really as I don't like any of the other phrases (DP, oh, bf, fiancé). Now you have all basically told me dp doesn't want to marry me, I shouldn't have had kids before he did and that I am an uneducated, deceitful person. That'll teach me for seeking adult conversation. Happy fucking Friday.

I think it's fine you not correcting tradesmen etc. I think it would be a bit wierd if I was your friend or just getting to know you and then you started talking about planning your wedding.

@Sammymommy

I'd love to know how being unmarried makes the OP vulnerable? She might have a lot of money and be a high earner dating someone with no money/earning nothing. Which is fine. But stating that OP as an unmarried woman IS a poor vulnerable thing without a doubt is ridiculous.

On another, I always find it a bit hard when a person calls someone their husband/wife when they are not married... Just get married and have the party later.

I didn't say that being unmarried made the OP vulnerable. I said that being married conferred legal clarity on their situation, should the need to know this ever arise.

(I do think it's mostly mothers who get the shitty end of the stick if their relationships break down and they are not married, but that's not always the case).

Well you'd best all shoot me then.

DP and I have been together for nearly 40 years. If it's somebody in a shop or a plumber or something, I refer to him as my husband. My parents call him their son in law when introducing him to their friends. Because after 40 years, although no we're not married, husband conveys the nature of our relationship better than other half, or partner, or whatever. But as I say, we aren't married, so shoot me now.

And d'you know what? If somebody refers to me as Mrs [MrFeedingthebirds] I answer. And if someone who knows me calls him Mr Feedingthebirds, he answers too. Stuff the legalities.