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AIBU?

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Original poster

To call him my husband?

517 replies

WingingItMumma · 13/11/2020 20:15

My partner and I are engaged and have been for over 2 years now. We have been together 5 years and were friends for 4 years before that. Towards the beginning of the engagement, we lost a baby and then fell pregnant again and my mind was all over the place with anxiety because of the previous loss. We then had the baby and 4 weeks later, lockdown happened. Otherwise we would probably be married by now. (I don't want a huge, takes years to plan wedding). The only reason we haven't popped to the registry office when it was safe to during COVID is that his 2 brothers live abroad and he doesn't want to get married without them there (which I totally get!).

But, we are living like we are married. Everything is the same between us as it would be a happily married couple, apart from a piece of paper. I hate referring to him as my partner, or worse, boyfriend (he's in his 40s, hardly a boy!) and the term fiancé gives me the ick. If people refer to him as "your husband" (trades people, shop staff etc) then I don't correct them. But is it weird to actually refer to him as my husband if we're not technically married?

Just to note, I don't call him my husband at the moment. I just want to put feelers out to see if it's socially acceptable. I also realise I'm a chronic over thinker and in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

OP posts:
Ekdkso999 · 13/11/2020 20:45

We have a Civil Partnership, but if someone refers to my partner as my husband I don't bother correcting them, even though technically he's not.

To people that know me I refer to him as 'My Very Civilsed Partner', a joke because neither of us are particularly civilised Grin

Elsiebear90 · 13/11/2020 20:45

I’ve been engaged for two and half years, together for five, I would never call my fiancée my wife until we’re married because first of all it’s just not true, secondly it’s weird, and thirdly I’m looking forward to using the word wife when she is my actual wife. I just call her my partner because fiancée sounds a bit pretentious to me (even though it’s not), I don’t see what’s wrong with saying partner or other half? I understand boyfriend sounds somewhat juvenile and doesn’t represent the seriousness of your relationship, but partner or other half are good alternatives.

Katkincake · 13/11/2020 20:45

I get it, I was in that awkward have a child together, engaged, been together years in my late 30s space for 2 years post DS birth and didn’t like boyfriend / partner either so resorted to saying “my other half” a lot. Never called him husband until we got married and it was nice to be able to do so afterwards.
If I was you, I’d have a civil ceremony and save my “wedding” for a vow renewal in a year or two’s time when people can celebrate again

AnotherEmma · 13/11/2020 20:46

@Ekdkso999

We have a Civil Partnership, but if someone refers to my partner as my husband I don't bother correcting them, even though technically he's not.

To people that know me I refer to him as 'My Very Civilsed Partner', a joke because neither of us are particularly civilised Grin

To be fair I don't think there is any legal difference between marriage and civil partnership, I think both give you the same rights.
Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 20:46

This sounds like you just really want to be married, so are intent on pretending to people who don’t know. I think it’s kinda weird to be honest.

Just sit him down and talk about booking in a wedding. Non one just pops to the registry office, that’s not how it works, which indicates at no stage was this actually planned.

Just talk to him. Don’t be pretending to people.

MandosHatHair · 13/11/2020 20:47

I felt a bit wierd saying fiance, I can't put my finger on exactly why. I reffered to DH as my partner until we were married unless we were talking to wedding suppliers, in which case he was fiance.

YWBU to refer to him as husband, it makes you sound very insecure about not being married. It really doesn't have to cost the earth to get married and have a party later.

mistermagpie · 13/11/2020 20:47

You are really overthinking this, nobody cares whether he is your husband or boyfriend (well, except you and him obviously). But he's not your husband so it's weird to call him that, yes.

If tradespeople and shopkeepers and the like make an assumption however, then I think it's fine not to correct them, it really doesn't matter so what's the point. Lots of people assume I'm 'Mrs Husbandslastname' but I'm not, but I don't bother to correct them unless it actually matters, like at the bank or something.

Lelophants · 13/11/2020 20:47

There is still a difference between being married and not op. I get it but it's also not what he is so if just a technicality, be honest and say longterm partner.

Sarahlou63 · 13/11/2020 20:48

Yeah, I get what you mean. I've been with my "DH" for 11 years, no kids but joint wills and it's much easier to call him my husband. He's 66, I'm 57 so hardly a boyfriend!

Daisymaze · 13/11/2020 20:48

You're not married so no, why would you?

ExclamationPerfume · 13/11/2020 20:48

He's not your husband. Why would you call him a name that doesn't fit.

giantangryrooster · 13/11/2020 20:49

Call him whatever you like, how about referring to him as your toyboy when talking to trades people and shop assistants? Smile

But it really is not just a piece of paper, get your sorry arse going and get married Grin, both for you and your dc's sake, pps don't say it to judge you, but to protect you.

GreenClock · 13/11/2020 20:49

As long as he isn’t using the absence of his brothers as an excuse not to marry you, call him what you like. If he is, then you’d seem a bit silly.

KiposWonderbeasts · 13/11/2020 20:50

YABU

Husband is a very specific thing. If afterwards I discovered you were unmarried I'd assume you were lying, ashamed or weird.

Partner, other half, boyfriend, bloke, 'imself, whatever. But not husband.

To claim he's your husband when not married makes you sound needy or embarrassed.

Runningoutofnamestochange · 13/11/2020 20:50

Not correcting others is fine, saves a pointless explanation. Calling him DH when you aren’t married is odd, just call him DP.

Ekdkso999 · 13/11/2020 20:51

@AnotherEmma You're right, they're essentially the same. We chose this route because felt more like us than a marriage. But the title Husband to me is a married title. I just worry about sounding like a wanker if I correct anyone and say "He's actually my Civil Partner" Grin

Voice0fReason · 13/11/2020 20:51

A friend of mine did this. I always thought it was weird and a bit sad. The truth was that he didn't want to marry her, but she wanted it so desperately she made out that she was married.
If marriage is important to both of you then get married.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 20:51

I'm talking in general conversation with people. "I'd love to paint the lounge bright pink but I think the husband might have something to say" - it's not that deep

No, but it is a weird and desperate sounding. Just say your other half. The other words can’t be so bad that you’d rather lie?

Dillydallyingthrough · 13/11/2020 20:52

Me and DP aren't married with no plans to either (before anyone jumps on it I have a child and I'm the higher earner so marriage doesn't protect me, our wills are set up to protect each other and more importantly my daughter). People always make the assumption he is my husband, I never correct them as tbh when I have it alway creates a bit of awkwardness! I know a few people who do this as culturally it is the norm, I don't think its as odd or unusual as everyone is making out.

RiverMeadow · 13/11/2020 20:52

Yes it's silly. He is not your husband, why would you call him that?

It pisses me off when people say 'it's just a piece of paper' if it was, why are you bothered about getting married?

Again, I work with people who wear a full on set of wedding bands and they aren't married but want to give the impression to outsiders that they are.

Sickofmysalary · 13/11/2020 20:53

We’d been together ten years, a house and two kids but I didn’t refer to him as my husband until we got married.

You’re either married or you’re not. And you’re not. Sorry!

RayOfSunshine2013 · 13/11/2020 20:53

@MissAHannigan

Its a statement of fact to point out how vulnerable you are as an unmarried mother, not a judgement.
In what way are unmarried mothers vulnerable? Hmm
Sleazeyjet · 13/11/2020 20:53

He’s not your husband. Why would you call him that?

seayork2020 · 13/11/2020 20:53

You are not married so he is not your husband, it does not need to be complicated

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2020 20:54

@Dillydallyingthrough

Me and DP aren't married with no plans to either (before anyone jumps on it I have a child and I'm the higher earner so marriage doesn't protect me, our wills are set up to protect each other and more importantly my daughter). People always make the assumption he is my husband, I never correct them as tbh when I have it alway creates a bit of awkwardness! I know a few people who do this as culturally it is the norm, I don't think its as odd or unusual as everyone is making out.
What culture do people pretend they are married then?

Not correcting someone is very different to calling the person your husband when he’s not.

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