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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband secret debt

186 replies

Headspinning188 · 13/11/2020 18:57

Hi, thanks in advance for reading. Last week, it came to light that my husband has hidden around 70k in debt from me (gambling addict). I had no idea and the shock has hit me like a train. I discovered this by opening a letter as I had a niggling feeling something was wrong when lots of post was starting to arrive. He claims he has been trying to tell me. Since this revelation, my husband claims to have told me everything. That he already has started the process of setting up a debt management plan to repay it (this will take multiple years), that he will easily be able to afford the repayments etc. This being because he had also lied about his salary to me, with him receiving substantially more than he told me. He has stolen all our savings to fund his habit.He has also borrowed substantial amounts from family members under false pretences. The lies and deceit are obviously huge. We are talking 10+ years here of deception. He is full of remorse and has passed everything over to me, including all.his banking details and credit files.Thank god, he has been paying the mortgage and none of the credit is in my name. We have a child together. Husband is a good father and has been a good husband on face value! My husband has promised me that I will be able to take the equity from our house sale to enable me to buy a property for my child and I. I will be able to afford this on my salary, just. What I'm asking really is do I walk away knowing that my son and I will be financially safe although lonely and less well off. Or do I stay, knowing that the debt is hanging over us and always having that feeling of distrust regardless of whether I have full control of all the finances. I'd really value some impartial opinions. Many thanks.

OP posts:
DelphineWalsh · 13/11/2020 19:00

He hasn't been a good father or a good husband. He's fucked you all over. I'd leave him.

MadeForThis · 13/11/2020 19:06

I would leave.

He's lied for too long. He didn't confess, he was caught.

Let him spend the time to fix himself. Tell him to go away. Start your own life. In a couple of years if he has got his shit together you can think about trying again.

But no matter what happens you will never trust him again.
He has stolen from you, he has stolen from family members.

I couldn't forgive this.

CaptainVanesHair · 13/11/2020 19:06

He’s lied for over a decade. What does your gut tell you to do?

(I’d leave - it’s not a small amount and he’s confessed to get help, you found out by opening a letter and only have his word that he’s been trying to tell you, can you think of any times he actually has?)

EKGEMS · 13/11/2020 19:07

You may think he had told you "everything" but unless he seeks help for his addiction from professional mental health addiction specialists then this is going to be your future from forever on-living with the mistrust of all he says and wondering if he's actually at work or wherever he says or at the track. I think you need to make a clean break-$70,000 is going to take a very long time to clear even on a high salary. He says it'll be cleared fast but you gotta wonder why hadn't he addressed it and paid it on his big salary? It's because he's spiraled out of control and had no choice to supposedly come clean.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 13/11/2020 19:07

Leave him. He’s an addict. Unless he seeks serious help but honestly I’d leave him anyway. He’s ruined you financially. Get the hell out with your remaining equity.

Headspinning188 · 13/11/2020 19:10

My gut tells me walk but I'm worried about how my son will manage. None of this is our faults, it's so unfair. But like my mum said my son will feel a lot worse when his father leaves us homeless from another mistake! I can afford a 2 bed house comfortably for my son and I and my husband will obvs have to pay support. I just wondered if I'm rushing my decision but the trust is gone.

OP posts:
RuthTopp · 13/11/2020 19:11

He's not the husband you thought he was. He has been lying / deceiving you for 10 years .
Only you know if you can forgive him 100% , and totally trust him from now on.

Squirrelblanket · 13/11/2020 19:11

I don't think I would be able to forgive him or ever probably relax from worrying he would do it again. Gambling is very addictive and to run up such a large amount over a long period of time is indicative of a serious problem.

I have two friends who have had this issue and in both cases the partner went on to repeat the addictive behaviour and run up further debts. One of them is still with him but the other is now divorced.

WillSantaBeComingToTown · 13/11/2020 19:14

@Headspinning188

My gut tells me walk but I'm worried about how my son will manage. None of this is our faults, it's so unfair. But like my mum said my son will feel a lot worse when his father leaves us homeless from another mistake! I can afford a 2 bed house comfortably for my son and I and my husband will obvs have to pay support. I just wondered if I'm rushing my decision but the trust is gone.
The equity in the house will have to go towards the debt though Do you have enough for a deposit?
RandomMess · 13/11/2020 19:15

I would leave he is a gambling addict it will be very hard for him to stay clean and repay the debt.

SIL lost her house Sad

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 13/11/2020 19:15

Sweetheart get the hell out. Let your heart catch up with your head later. I wasted 16 years of my life with an addict- if I’d left in the early days it would have been ok but now we have 4DC’s and I’m financially very vulnerable. If you are in a place now where you can manage without him then go, next time as you say he could lose the lot including the house. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it was a mistake. It’s an illness, a degenerative illness. He’s feeling guilty now but he may change his mind about the equity . Addicts do not like it when you err boundaries. Protect yourself and your son.

Ideasplease322 · 13/11/2020 19:15

Walk now.

He needs help to try and Beat this, but he might never.

He has lied consistently and taken advantage of you, family and friends. How could you ever trust him again.

And never put yourself in this position again. You should know if the mortgage is being paid, you should know your family finances.

SewingWarriorQueen76 · 13/11/2020 19:15

From your post you say he claims he tried to tell you. He is trying to gaslight you. Please stop, have a cooling off period where you can plan what is best for you and your son and then sit him down and tell him.
It's like the whole 10 years we're built on a lie. What else could you as a couple done with £70k. Have you struggled in the last few years? Realistically, you know you need to leave. Just because he has been polite, doesn't mean that his behaviour is underhand, deceptive, he went behind your back, where could this have ended up.

Headspinning188 · 13/11/2020 19:17

Yes, I keep saying this to him 'how do you think you can suddenly just stop' but he says this all coming out has made him feel physically sick at the thought of doing it again. But what's to stop him borrowing cash from a friend or colleague with one of his convincing lies?

OP posts:
MooseBeTimeForSummer · 13/11/2020 19:18

Tread very carefully. If he gave you more than half the equity in the house and then declared himself bankrupt the Trustee could come after you for a share of it.

CoronaIsWatching · 13/11/2020 19:18

Going against the grain I feel as though he must feel awful and he has a genuine problem..addiction is a medical issue. He's now putting together a plan to try and salvage things. I wouldn't abandon him to his addiction. For better and worse and all that.

JetBlackSteed · 13/11/2020 19:19

I don't say this often, but in your shoes I would leave.
No trust. That's a long time to be deceived. Seriously, do you really think he won't do it again?

LeSquigh · 13/11/2020 19:19

I am not in agreement with the PPs. Yes, he has done a TERRIBLE TERRIBLE thing but is it worth a broken home for your child? Gambling is caused by an addictive personality and whilst he has to take responsibility it is certainly not as clear cut as some people seem to think it is. If he gets help and gets all assets transferred into your name then you should really consider trying to make a go of this. If you love him and you value your child relationship with their father then you would be crazy not to.

BessieSurtees · 13/11/2020 19:19

Regardless of what I would do about the relationship I would take the equity buy a house and divorce him so that financial ties were separate.

He was caught, he continuously lied, big lies, and gambled for over 10 years, how is he going to break that habit?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 13/11/2020 19:20

Ex wife of a gambling addict here. Leave ASAP, he'll never change and you'll live in constant fear of the next lie, the next final demand in the post and the bailiffs knocking on the door.

It'll be horrendous cutting ties but you and your son will get through it and you'll feel like a new person on the other side.

madcatladyforever · 13/11/2020 19:20

You have to leave him. He lied and is now trying to offload his responsibility and guilt onto you.

SaffieSoph · 13/11/2020 19:21

My husband had a gambling problem and used our savings and had secret debts on a credit card. I found out when our child was 6 months old. I’d started to get suspicious, confronted him and he admitted it.

I stayed. I now have complete oversight over our finances, we put a plan in place. He went to gambling anonymous and had separate counselling. We also went to counselling. It was a long road to forgive him and years later I’m glad I stayed. He had an addiction and I genuinely think he’s recovered. I saw him as a good man who had an addiction. God he’s on his last chance though, if he ever did anything again I’d be running out the door.

Only you know if the relationship is worth saving after all his deceit. Had I not had such a young baby at the time, I don’t know if I would have stayed.

BubblyBarbara · 13/11/2020 19:22

For better and worse and all that.

Agreed. This is an illness, it’s not like he’s been chasing other women about

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2020 19:24

My cousin's life was destroyed by her gambling addict ex. She caught him, like you did, he swore up and down he told her everything and he'd never gamble again. Foolishly, she stayed with him. Of course he continued to gamble and even took out credit cards in her name to do so.

In the end they lost their home, their cars, everything. She has now divorced him but her life has been torn to shreds. She will probably never be able to buy another home and she is a shell of who she used to be.

Get rid of him now.

Rainbowqueeen · 13/11/2020 19:25

Gambling is one of the hardest addictions to overcome. He clearly a good liar. He was caught he didn’t confess. How he knows what to do to avoid being caught next time
Can you live a life without trust?
For more information look at gamblers anonymous. Getting out now gives you and your son a much better chance at a happy life with few financial worries.
For Me personally I couldn’t cope with the stress of always wondering and worrying. Think about the impact that would have on you