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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband secret debt

186 replies

Headspinning188 · 13/11/2020 18:57

Hi, thanks in advance for reading. Last week, it came to light that my husband has hidden around 70k in debt from me (gambling addict). I had no idea and the shock has hit me like a train. I discovered this by opening a letter as I had a niggling feeling something was wrong when lots of post was starting to arrive. He claims he has been trying to tell me. Since this revelation, my husband claims to have told me everything. That he already has started the process of setting up a debt management plan to repay it (this will take multiple years), that he will easily be able to afford the repayments etc. This being because he had also lied about his salary to me, with him receiving substantially more than he told me. He has stolen all our savings to fund his habit.He has also borrowed substantial amounts from family members under false pretences. The lies and deceit are obviously huge. We are talking 10+ years here of deception. He is full of remorse and has passed everything over to me, including all.his banking details and credit files.Thank god, he has been paying the mortgage and none of the credit is in my name. We have a child together. Husband is a good father and has been a good husband on face value! My husband has promised me that I will be able to take the equity from our house sale to enable me to buy a property for my child and I. I will be able to afford this on my salary, just. What I'm asking really is do I walk away knowing that my son and I will be financially safe although lonely and less well off. Or do I stay, knowing that the debt is hanging over us and always having that feeling of distrust regardless of whether I have full control of all the finances. I'd really value some impartial opinions. Many thanks.

OP posts:
MyOwnSummer · 13/11/2020 19:26

Move quickly while he is still feeling guilty, if you want out. The problem is, you're married and 50/50 of existing assets is the starting point. It is far from clear that you would not end up responsible for some of it indirectly, even if he is now telling you what you want to hear.

You need a good solicitor to talk through your practical options with. That doesn't mean necessarily leave him, but understanding your options better by understanding the likely financial outcome if you initiate divorce and he has a "memory loss" about this promise to see you right

Addicts lie, don't trust his promises.

ILoveAnOwl · 13/11/2020 19:26

Similar situation here, but not enough equity to sustain two households so I'm a bit stuck. If I were you I'd leave like a shot. You will never trust him again. It's not worth living a half life if you can provide a secure home for your son.

user1493413286 · 13/11/2020 19:27

I think if it was me with my DH I would definitely live separately, separate finances etc but I’m not sure I’d close the door on the relationship. I would want to see him getting some kind of treatment for his addiction and it’d be years before I’d ever consider intertwining finances again. I guess I’m coming at it from a point of view that it’s an addiction that took control of him but he can recover from. That’s not to absolve blame and it may be that the trust is gone but I’d want to try.

Daphnise · 13/11/2020 19:27

You have to leave him, and you already realise that.

But I am concerned that you may place any trust in his word about the financial part of ending the marriage.

Please do yourself a huge favour and on no account believe anything he says, and you need an experienced solicitor to start protecting your interests and rights and of course those of the child.

And I would say there is more debt than you are being made aware of: there always is- why trust a liar?

You need to harden up, and set aside past affection and soppy sentiment. You have been appallingly treated. He will never chaange.

Nottherealslimshady · 13/11/2020 19:28

My mum was in a similar situation. Leave. He'll talk the talk for a few months, says he's going to gamblers support, will repay all the money. then be back to his old ways and he wont feel the need to care what you think because you stayed.
You will never progress with him tied to you. Leave, get a good child maintenance and rebuild your child's future.

Spottyspottyladybird · 13/11/2020 19:28

I have some personal experience of this. Feel free to pm me. I think people can change. Its a tricky one as once the trust has gone it's tricky to regain it.

MrsWhites · 13/11/2020 19:28

I unfortunately have some experience from a previous relationship similar to this. Take my advice and leave, he won’t stop, for now he feels sick at the thought of what he has done but this will wear off, he’ll start justifying just a little bet here and there and before you know it he’ll be back to square one.

You need to make steps to separate as much of your finances as possible, make sure your salary goes into a separate account etc and speak to a solicitor to get advice about how to separate without you having to take responsibility for any of the debt in a divorce.

Your mum is absolutely right, it is best for your son for you to leave now whilst the situation is salvageable and you can still provide your son with a home. If your DH continues that might not be possible.

Lastly, don’t believe a word he says, he is an addict and he will do anything to cover for himself. He isn’t a good father or husband, he is a pathological liar who put gambling before the well being of his wife and child!

Good luck!

Newfornow · 13/11/2020 19:28

He probably is remorseful. For now.
Have you ever started a diet and given up after two weeks, two months, a year. He needs serious help and a period to get his shit together.
It would be over for me. Gambling is an addiction.

PaxMalmKallax · 13/11/2020 19:28

You said earlier that the trust is gone. That speaks volumes.

Figgygal · 13/11/2020 19:30

I’d already be gone op - couldn’t trust him ever again

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 13/11/2020 19:30

He won't stop. Trust me.

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/11/2020 19:30

I would take some legal advice and then leave him. How can you trust him? Do you want to be the sole adult in your relationship?

Calligraphy572 · 13/11/2020 19:32

Here's the line that stood out for me, and it's why you shoould leave him: He claims he has been trying to tell me.

I mean, WTF. This is untrue on the face of it (he could have told you anytime), instead he 's even lying and making excuses about the fact that he's been lying.

Find a lawyer. Because you need proper financial advice. Do not believe a word out of dh's mouth.

You should certainly divorce him going forward, to disentangle your financial future from his. Whether you stay together after that is up to you, butbnot in any legally binding way.

Headspinning188 · 13/11/2020 19:34

I appreciate all of your time, thanks so much. I'm a kind, hardworking person with a good career so I have a chance to start again. I think the fact that I always put others first is what's making the decision agony but I must put my son and I first on this one.

OP posts:
Wellsbells · 13/11/2020 19:36

I would leave, he may not be able to stop himself from doing this again and it’ll be even worse if he does. Protect yourself and your dc from this.

Logopolitan · 13/11/2020 19:43

What treatment is he getting to help with his addiction? It sadly isn't going to go away overnight with a bit of will power. Gambling addiction is a nightmare as temptation is literally on the end of a phone/laptop 24 hours a day and the companies are expert in hooking people back in. At the very least make sure your finances are totally ringfenced from his.

ScrumptiousBears · 13/11/2020 19:43

This happened to my friend (male). His wife ran up £35k and didn't pay the mortgage for ages. All the finances were handled by her as she was a SAHM and they felt she was better placed to do finances as she was home all day and could manage it. He never found out where the money went. He left the family home with her in it and he moved In with his mum. This was 9 years ago and the situation still hasn't changed. She's in the family home on a interest only mortgage and both have just finished paying everything off. I don't know what his plans are now

Menofsteel · 13/11/2020 19:44

My best mate lost EVERYTHING due to the OHs gambling. House and everything went despite it being “under control” 😡. A relapse is highly possible and can be devastating. Get out while you’re still solvent. If your DH can stay clean and get himself into therapy, no reason why you can’t try again in a while but for now you need to split yourself and son financially and legally from your DH. Trust me, the effects of gambling addiction are widespread and devastating. Good luck and stay strong for your son.

ivfbeenbusy · 13/11/2020 19:45

Id leave him - this is too big a deceit to just forgive and he will likely just relapse into his old ways at the first opportunity

The whole marriage being about "for better or worse" thing is just bullshit. No where does it say you have to put up with this behaviour

Lorw · 13/11/2020 19:47

I’m not sure how it works but isn’t any debt accrued during your marriage your responsibility too?

I left a gambler after 6 years- spent all our savings and I was busting my ass trying to pay our mortgage, it doesn’t get better. We sold the house and all the equity had to go towards his debt, I didn’t see a penny of it.

GoGadgetGo · 13/11/2020 19:49

He has an addiction.If he is a good person otherwise, I wold stick by him as long as he gets the help that he needs.

Good luck.

Haffiana · 13/11/2020 19:50

You can't stay. He isn't 'cured' just because he feels sick at the moment. Gambling is one of the most, if not THE MOST difficult addiction to treat. He will carry on, because he is an addict and it will always come first. Don't stay and let your son see that happen in front of him.

buddhasbelly · 13/11/2020 19:51

Can only speak from my own experience, a different addiction but addiction nonetheless.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, sober quite a while now. When my then partner found out he left, and I'm forever grateful that he did, for his own sanity.

When I still had a partner it felt like, well I can hold down a relationship so I don't need to bother addressing my issues. That's just the selfish person I was to put it bluntly.

I was sober a long time before meeting anyone and was upfront about my past. Without honesty, nothing can thrive.

Whatever you choose to do I wish you well OP Flowers

Standrewsschool · 13/11/2020 19:52

He has stolen from you and family members. He has used your savings. The trust has gone. £70k is a huge amount, not one to be sniffed at.

I agree, walk and start a new life for,you and your son. He can still be a good father to your son, but you won’t be financially tied to him.

tiredeyesyeah · 13/11/2020 19:53

Leave.

My ex gambled away 200k that belonged to our daughter. Unforgivable.