Husband secret debt

[Headspinning188]

Hi, thanks in advance for reading. Last week, it came to light that my husband has hidden around 70k in debt from me (gambling addict). I had no idea and the shock has hit me like a train. I discovered this by opening a letter as I had a niggling feeling something was wrong when lots of post was starting to arrive. He claims he has been trying to tell me. Since this revelation, my husband claims to have told me everything. That he already has started the process of setting up a debt management plan to repay it (this will take multiple years), that he will easily be able to afford the repayments etc. This being because he had also lied about his salary to me, with him receiving substantially more than he told me. He has stolen all our savings to fund his habit.He has also borrowed substantial amounts from family members under false pretences. The lies and deceit are obviously huge. We are talking 10+ years here of deception. He is full of remorse and has passed everything over to me, including all.his banking details and credit files.Thank god, he has been paying the mortgage and none of the credit is in my name. We have a child together. Husband is a good father and has been a good husband on face value! My husband has promised me that I will be able to take the equity from our house sale to enable me to buy a property for my child and I. I will be able to afford this on my salary, just. What I'm asking really is do I walk away knowing that my son and I will be financially safe although lonely and less well off. Or do I stay, knowing that the debt is hanging over us and always having that feeling of distrust regardless of whether I have full control of all the finances. I'd really value some impartial opinions. Many thanks.

He’s being deceiving you for 10 years......if you hadn’t opened that letter......?

@Terriblecreature

I just question whether you spent the money on things for yourself or things for your family. And whether you have support and funds of your own. Your situation is not akin to the OP bar the guilt you felt. I’m sending you good wishes and compassion.

@Headspinning188

This is too much to handle. Get your affairs in order, separate everything financially and then either separate or not. Being married to an addict is like being tethered to a runaway train.

@pigcon1

If I am completely honest some of the money was spent on things for myself. The odd piece of clothing. But it hasn't been since we have went through all the statements and my bam account statements that we can see it was spent on nothing of any significance. I was simply living a lifestyle I couldn't afford to live and buying in excess for my little boy. Beyond in excess of anything he actually needed.
I have money of my own in terms of bringing home an OK salary every month and always made sure the house bills etc were paid. None of this makes the situation OK though. I know for my husband the biggest thing to get over is the lies and deceit in it. Which I completely understand. I just wish I actually thought about that whilst spending. I wish I wasn't blindsided by thinking buying a take out coffee everyday would make me feel good about myself or buying junk food from the supermarket.
I think the point I was making to the OP was really that I know ur husband has fucked up, I have too. I am beyond grateful for my husband giving me a chance to make this right and I am adament within myself I will never make this mistake again. Him and my family mean to much to me. I just wish I had seen at the time what this would have caused as if I did I honestly would never have done it in the first place. Sometimes u get urself into something so deep that even admitting it to urself is hard let alone to anyone else.

I wish the OP nothing but the best and know she will make the right decision for her and her little one.

@Bobthebuilder12389 We agreed when I became a sahm he would manage all the bills & money. BIG MISTAKE on my part. I now feel so stupid to have done that.

You shouldn't feel stupid. My exh, upon me discovering his debts for the second time, allowed me to take over the bills. I opened all the mail. So what he did next was to go paperless with the next lot of credit cards and loans. They find a way!

All the 'normal' bills (utilities, mortgage etc) were being paid the whole time but he was maxing out credit cards and just about paying off the bare minimum!

I was keeping such a close eye on the accounts and bills I had no idea! He'd take out £20 cash if he was going to the shop for bread and milk etc, but paying for it on a credit card I didn't know about and pocketing the cash!

Leave him. And leave him as soon as possible.

I'm the child of an gambler who started gambling when I was 6-7 and stopped 2-3 years ago (as far as we know). I'm now 41. He gambled much more then 70 000 pounds and in a country where salaries are much smaller then in UK.

I could write a book about gamblers, so I shall try being short. The fact that he lied and cheated to you more then 10 years means only that he is continue to do so.

My father started debt repayment plans many times and was good at paying those. But because of that we had no money for food, clothes, anything but bills. We were lucky my mum worked in the restaurant and her boss knew our her situation and let her take leftovers from the restaurant to feed us. The only reason we didn't lose roof our head was because that was not possible in our country.

He lies and cheated so many times I couldn't count, borrowed many from friends, banks. When he received his inheritance he gambled that away.

I'm not saying that gamblers can't change. Some, but not many, mabye can, but I wouldn't risk my life or life of my child on the word of the gambling addict. I'd run, and run fast and save my life.

So he lied for 10 years, stole your money (off child's future) and NOW is gaslighting you ? Wow op...

A good husband and father doesn’t do that to their loved ones.
I couldn’t stay.

@witchofthewest

We almost got caught out with paperless bills also. I’ve always been the one in the family sorting out bills etc and would get paper bills. Dh decided to get the app for one of the accounts which automatically stopped the paper bills. I wasn’t too bothered as we had a direct debit amount paying a nominal amount each amount. However, when we next properly checked it, it had reached £1000!

It wasn’t anything large, petrol for the car, odd meal out, bits and pieces, which had all accumulated. Dh doesn’t gamble, but it was amazing how much had been spent on this credit card, in a matter of a few months.

I expect the next stage will be him telling you it's your fault you hadn't noticed he'd been gambling.

My DP is shit with money. No gambling, no addictions; just deep-seated fear of poverty which, ironically, manifests itself in spending every penny because what's the point of saving it? He's the type who'll owe £40, have £30 in the bank but will spend the £30 because he can't pay the full £40 so what's the point in keeping the £30? Exhausting.

We had debt collectors call at the door whilst I was pregnant and the stress was panic-inducing. I lived in a household as a child where we used to hide from the Provident loan collector when DM couldn't pay, so this was massively triggering for me.

Two years ago, after a casual conversation with our landlord, I learned we were £2k in debt with the rent. DP had taken over the rent payments when I went on maternity leave; prior to that, I'd always paid it.

He's now got a full-time job and his financial situation is very different, but I still control our finances. The landlord tells me if payments have been missed.

The suspicion never leaves you. Controlling the finances means you're the only adult in the relationship, and the pressure is on you entirely.

A friend of mine found out after 4 years of marriage, when she had a toddler and was heavily pregnant, that her DH had run up 30K of debt and spent their savings on gambling, he only confessed because she was going to find out anyway.
At the time because of the toddler and the pregnancy she felt she had no option but to forgive him, she took control of the finances and helped pay off the debt.
Everything seemed fine.

Eleven years later he was taken ill, ended up in hospital in intensive care, while he was there sand she was sorting things out she discovered an email about a missed debt payment, after a bit of digging she found out he had over 100k of debt, including credit cards and loans he had taken out in joint and her name.

He recovered but his illness left lasting side effects meaning he had to give up his high paid job because the stress was too much, he still works but he’s not earning nearly enough to pay the debt.

They had to downsize, sell of pretty much everything of value and she had to leave a job she loved to retrain to get a better paid job to pay off the debts, she’s said she fells like she can’t leave him because of his health, she hates him for ruining her life though.

You don’t have to leave the relationship but you should definitely divorce and move to buy your own place so that you know you are financially safe.
You need to put yourself first.

One comment that I would make is your husband has an addiction. An addiction so strong that he couldnt even tell his wife what his salary was and that he has put his marriage in jeopardy for.
Absolutely no way he can just stop without serious hard work and professional help, and thinking he can do this without any professional help and no slip ups is just naive. You wouldnt expect a drug addict or alcoholic to say that the thought of using or drinking is making them feel sick so they will stop just like that. So he is not being realistic or completely honest

He says that now I have control of everything he cant gamble even if he wanted to as I could question any anomaly in his account. He says he can't get credit because I have his credit file and no one would touch him because of what's happened. But I just dont know what to believe anymore as I cant trust a word he says right now. I feel constantly sick, it's really horrendous.

Financially split up and then see how you feel. You don’t need to make a decision about the relationship know but I would get as much as possible my name signed over to me whilst he feels bad

I can't advise you one way or the other but I do know he won't change unless he really wants to and if you stay you have to be responsible for EVERYTHING for the rest of your lives together. my sister is recently divorced from a spender and buyer of crap and hobby stuff. She will be paying off the mortgage till she is 65. She gave him chance after chance, always believing his protests of not again, always having to be the adult. When he would f* up, it was clearly her fault as she didn't keep a close enough eye on him. His 4 children don't talk to him anymore, he would give them presents, then take them away and sell them for the next thing, sold their tent to buy some crap so they can't even have that small holiday etc etc. Her live is better without the chaos, constant questioning and worry and being the only responsible one in the relationship.

@Headspinning188

He says that now I have control of everything he cant gamble even if he wanted to as I could question any anomaly in his account. He says he can't get credit because I have his credit file and no one would touch him because of what's happened. But I just dont know what to believe anymore as I cant trust a word he says right now. I feel constantly sick, it's really horrendous.

He will find away once this little bit of guilt subsides. They always do. Inlive with a gambler. Luckily he had bad credit when I met him so has never been able to get credit, after being screwed over time and time again and being left wondering how I would put food on the table for the kids until the next pay check (we were young when we met. I already had one child and had no idea he had a problems until after I had another with him). I have control of all the finances, everything is in my name, house, car. He still manages to gamble. I used to keep savings in the house because it was too risky to keep them in the bank incase he found the bank card, he found them a couple of times and spent the lot. I now had to keep them at my mums. I have to keep credit cards and bank cards hidden all the time. He used to borrow money off people, but luckily people have got wise to his lies and mostly refuse to lend him any money now. Even whole I was in the hospital our youngest for a week, he still managed to find the savings in the house and spend them.

[quote WitchOfTheWest]**@Bobthebuilder12389* We agreed when I became a sahm he would manage all the bills & money. BIG MISTAKE on my part. I now feel so stupid to have done that.*

You shouldn't feel stupid. My exh, upon me discovering his debts for the second time, allowed me to take over the bills. I opened all the mail. So what he did next was to go paperless with the next lot of credit cards and loans. They find a way!

All the 'normal' bills (utilities, mortgage etc) were being paid the whole time but he was maxing out credit cards and just about paying off the bare minimum!

I was keeping such a close eye on the accounts and bills I had no idea! He'd take out £20 cash if he was going to the shop for bread and milk etc, but paying for it on a credit card I didn't know about and pocketing the cash!

[/quote]
I understand that if he really wants to do it again he will find a way. I suppose this is where I need to have faith that he won’t do it again. If I don’t then there is no point in use being together.

We keep receipts from shopping, not so I check up on him, more to monitor our spending each month. We had to cut back a lot at the beginning, its become a habit now. I don’t actively check everyone but I do run through them if we have had a big month of spending to see what’s different. I use to keep an eye on his credit to see if he applied for anything, he never has. I haven’t done it for about a year. I will at some point.

In 3 years since it came to a head he’s not done anything else.

@OoohTheStatsDontLie

One comment that I would make is your husband has an addiction. An addiction so strong that he couldnt even tell his wife what his salary was and that he has put his marriage in jeopardy for. Absolutely no way he can just stop without serious hard work and professional help, and thinking he can do this without any professional help and no slip ups is just naive. You wouldnt expect a drug addict or alcoholic to say that the thought of using or drinking is making them feel sick so they will stop just like that. So he is not being realistic or completely honest

This. Addicts lie, to themselves and everyone around them. I've been one (not gambling) and know that to be true. He needs to seek help not only to actually change but also to show you he is doing some of the work on this. Otherwise his solution to a monumental series of betrayals and fuck ups is "ok, hands up - you're responsible for everything now." Can you see how crazy that is?!

I don't know why anyone would want to be in a relationship where they'd have to be continually suspicious, checking the other person's bank acct and in charge of all of the finances like the only adult in the house. sounds exhausting.

You can't live like this it will make you ill and your child must be your first consideration.
Separate all your finances, just get a solicitors advice and then take a view on your ongoing relationship. You know the saying....."cover your back at all times"

Start immediate divorce proceedings for unreasonable behaviour so that you can protect yourself and your son from any bailiffs etc. It's not fun when they come knocking on the door. I was going through the divorce when that happened and they walked away, but if that had not been the case, me and my DC would have had the house stripped bare. You have no idea if he's come fully clean to you. Leave, buy a house for you and your son. Your DC is your priority.

Don't think i could get over that. You coild never really trust him again

@Headspinning188

He says that now I have control of everything he cant gamble even if he wanted to as I could question any anomaly in his account. He says he can't get credit because I have his credit file and no one would touch him because of what's happened. But I just dont know what to believe anymore as I cant trust a word he says right now. I feel constantly sick, it's really horrendous.

This is a lie of the first magnitude. An addict will always find a way to obtain their 'poison', be it drink, drugs, or gambling. This is a simple fact. Did you read the post I made earlier about our friend's dad? He is still getting money and still gambling. He begs, borrows, lies, and steals to get even a couple of dollars to throw in a slot machine. It's pathetic. All your DH is doing is setting up your 'mindset' to think you have everything under control. He's also setting up his mindset that when he fails it will be your fault because you didn't stop him. After all, the money is all in your hands now, isn't it?

Besides, why on earth would you want to be any man's babysitter? He's an adult, he shouldn't need someone to watch over his every move and you shouldn't have to. I'll repeat: Do you really want to live the rest of your life having to be totally responsible for every penny that is spent (or misspent) in your family? I sure as hell wouldn't. I hate having to worry about money. I'd rather be on my own and know 'what's what' when it comes to my finances than be part of a 'couple' and live in uncertainty.

Walk away, divorce him if you are married, separate finances completely ( double check your credit file as if you both are linked your file will be smashed and you will not get a mortgage for at least 6 years after separating your finances)

Secure your child's and your future.
Your husband can then sort himself out and prove you thathe is capable stop gambling etc and see how you feel then.

THE SOLUTION IS TO FINANCIALLY SEPARATE BUT STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Look, I don't think you have to end the relationship but you can't stay together with this hanging over your head. So divorce. Divorce and stay co habiting. If he chooses to gamble, it's not on you! He takes responsibility for himself (rather than you becoming his jailer) and you have financial security. It's a win - win!

Look, gambling addicts aren't evil but they are addicts. I have no issue with someone giving an addict a chance but you have reduce the risk of being hurt. You 100% have to get divorced. I know a couple who are not married for similar reasons and they are happy.

Get divorced but stay "married". You don't even have to let people know widely. Hell, people do this all the time to protect assets in case of criminal fraud.

I cannot stress this enough: decouple divorce from ending the relationship. Get divorced but stay together and see if you can forgive him. If you can, great. If you can't, you tried. But don't give him the power to ruin you financially.

Your H can get more credit!

BIL and SIL were on a repayment plan and he managed to take out credit cards behind her back secured against the house!!! He was meeting the postie a few doors down the street so she had no idea until they were in either further shit and hence lost the house as he'd basically spent all the equity in it.