NC in case of outing
Firstly, I totally understand how you are feeling OP. My husband did the same to me. I found out as I was grieving a parent and had a newborn baby. Like you I had niggling feeling something wasn’t right. I can’t remember what prompted me, but I opened a bank letter which referred to a £5k bank loan. He swore that was it. Over the following month the figure kept changing, it was almost £60k in the end. He had a history of lying and I thought he’d finally gotten over it, but I was obviously wrong. Like your husband he felt sick, was a complete mess when it came to a head. What made it real was I didn’t keep it to myself, I’m not in the habit of airing my dirty laundry in public but I told our families, once they knew he had no choice but to come clean. If I hadn’t it would probably have broken me. To this day I’m not even sure where the money went. He’s not a gambler and I don’t think for a second he had another woman, it was just frivolouled away. I was a stay at home mum, the house in his name, I even had an old credit card dept ( it was in my name but joint debt) that he was supposed to be paying off but hadn’t so now my credit is shot.
Before we had kids, I earned more than him and managed all the bills. We agreed when I became a sahm he would manage all the bills & money. BIG MISTAKE on my part. I now feel so stupid to have done that.
We are still together 3 years later, like you I was worried about the kids. Things are good but very different dynamics now. He sought counselling and my name is on all his bank accounts. I open every letter addressed to him, and I question anything that slightly feels out of place. We consolidated and cancelled all credit cards as soon as they were paid. I have my own account we pay money into monthly. I made it clear at the beginning that I was never going to be left in this position again, I needed money just in my name that I could fall back on should anything like this happen again. I don’t like managing him but it’s worked. I told him if he was truly sorry and wanted us to work he would have to deal with me micromanaging him going forward and for as long as I felt it needed. If he couldn’t handle that then it was over. There were a few times he tried pushing back and tried to flip things on me because he was “trying”, but I reminded him, he agreed to doing what ever I needed to make this work and he had lost any rights to my trust and had absolutely no ground to push back on me.
Even after everything he did, I tried not to loose it with him. I did blow a couple of times in the early days when I felt he was doing his usual, it’s been a couple of weeks she must be over it routine. He had a problem and I supported him through counselling. When he was done I checked myself into counselling too. My GP had been trying to get me on antidepressants since it started, I finally agreed. I think this was when reality hit him, that I felt the need to do this as that seemed to be the turning point for him, that he knew how much it had damaged by me to a actually go on antidepressants and seek counselling.
These days I very rarely question him, there maybe an odd occasion but he no longer takes offence and understands it’s just me making sure I have the facts for my sake. One thing I do say when asking him anything is, think before you answer... it’s a silly thing but it works, I think he’s wired to come of with a lie sometimes, but he checks himself now.
You may decide to end things, Just do what’s best for you. If I hadn’t had let him take all control and I had a better standing financially I may have left. I’m happy I didn’t, we are in a good place now. I hope things work out for you either way x