Husband secret debt

[Headspinning188]

Hi, thanks in advance for reading. Last week, it came to light that my husband has hidden around 70k in debt from me (gambling addict). I had no idea and the shock has hit me like a train. I discovered this by opening a letter as I had a niggling feeling something was wrong when lots of post was starting to arrive. He claims he has been trying to tell me. Since this revelation, my husband claims to have told me everything. That he already has started the process of setting up a debt management plan to repay it (this will take multiple years), that he will easily be able to afford the repayments etc. This being because he had also lied about his salary to me, with him receiving substantially more than he told me. He has stolen all our savings to fund his habit.He has also borrowed substantial amounts from family members under false pretences. The lies and deceit are obviously huge. We are talking 10+ years here of deception. He is full of remorse and has passed everything over to me, including all.his banking details and credit files.Thank god, he has been paying the mortgage and none of the credit is in my name. We have a child together. Husband is a good father and has been a good husband on face value! My husband has promised me that I will be able to take the equity from our house sale to enable me to buy a property for my child and I. I will be able to afford this on my salary, just. What I'm asking really is do I walk away knowing that my son and I will be financially safe although lonely and less well off. Or do I stay, knowing that the debt is hanging over us and always having that feeling of distrust regardless of whether I have full control of all the finances. I'd really value some impartial opinions. Many thanks.

I would ask, is he gambling because he is an addict or because there is something missing from his life, where he feels the need to compensate?

A good friends DH is a gambler, she’s stayed, he never stops despite all the promises. She’s remortgaged the house 3 times over the years to pay off his debts. She has never been able to help her kids financially, no further education for them, no help with house deposits etc. This type of addiction has very long lasting implications for everyone in the family

My DH wasn't a gambler, but he was hopeless with money and did things like ignore huge tax bills from HMRC, then I'd eventually find out that he had unpaid debts that were accruing lots of additional debt. He did this a few times, hiding debt from me, so then I took over the finances completely.

I stayed with him but the disappointment I felt was enormous and I lost a lot of respect for him. Especially as we were broke in general on and off for many years and he didn't make any effort to look for work. I felt that all the worrying about money fell on my shoulders.

We both now have solid incomes so life is better, he's a great father and lovely husband in all other ways, so I'm glad I stayed, but even on that lower level of him hiding money issues it took A LOT of years to rebuild trust and respect. With a massive £70k gambling debt and habit I'm not sure how possible it'd be to rebuild that trust and respect.

Don't walk away - run. He's lied to you for years not to mention stolen from your family. He hasn't been a good father or role model, let alone husband. He's a lying thief who had to be caught out to confess - let's call a spade a spade.

If he'd come clean in another way perhaps there would be a path to redemption but he's lied to you for years. He's a serial liar too.

I don’t know if this would even work but could you divorce him so you’d never end up in the same financial boat but could still live together, have all totally separate accounts? Then it would make it easier to leave if it happened again? I’m sure this is a crazy idea but I’d have to make sure my son and I were 100% safe before I’d stay with him.

The debt is all in his name and unsecured, so can not be cleared via home equity. He has a debt management plan set up to pay it off but it will take ages to pay off, about 17 years at this rate!!!

Meh, curtains for me.

Nope!

I've gambling addicts in my family and my advice is get out and separate yourself legally and financially from him as soon as possible!

This is a betrayal, would you forgive a 10 year affair? I doubt it

He doesn't sound remotely aware or genuinely remorseful or willing to address his addiction, he didn't even tell you himself!

This is NOT just about the legal bodies that can pursue you for his debts such behaviour very often puts you and your son at risk from very unsavoury types because that level of addiction and debt rarely comes from purely legal and regulated sources. And even that's bad enough!

For starters do a credit check on BOTH your details and possibly your sons too (yes really) to check if he's run up debt he hasn't disclosed (highly likely)

Not even slightly kidding here.

But like my mum said my son will feel a lot worse when his father leaves us homeless from another mistake!

Your mum is right!

There are a number of mners who had gambling addict parents who's names escape me for tagging purposes right now but they will tell you how awful it was growing up with that financial uncertainty, bailiffs (or worse) at the door...

A relative of mine was abducted as a child and held hostage to make their gambling parent pay up!

He's not only put your financial security at risk but your personal safety.

I'll be AMAZED given what you've said if it's "only" £70k I'm betting it's way more! What's the house worth?

and my husband will obvs have to pay support absolutely don't bank on or budget on that basis, he's an addict he will prioritise his addiction.

The addicts script is so close to the cheaters

Deny deny deny

When caught only confess to what your accuser can prove

Gaslight

Non apology apologies

Pay lip service to "changing" without ever really intending to

Basically
DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender

Addicts lie, don't trust his promises

You need a financially very astute an experienced solicitor, possibly a forensic accountant to deal with leaving him

Re separate bank account - separate banking GROUP. Too or else they can access your account to pay his debts (unless that loopholes been closed?) I learned that one the hard way and ex wasn't a gambler!

I would divorce him and set you and your son safely up in your own house.
Your dc needs to come first.

That doesn't mean that your dh has to become your enemy, you could become decent co-parents.
Or perhaps consider a more honest relationship down the line.

@FraughtwithGin would ask, is he gambling because he is an addict or because there is something missing from his life, where he feels the need to compensate

There’s no difference in the end. That’s how addiction starts.

I would ask, is he gambling because he is an addict or because there is something missing from his life, where he feels the need to compensate?

That's a distinction without a difference! addicts ALWAYS have an "excuse" for their addiction:

Broken home
Abusive childhood
Relationship breakdown...

But plenty others manage those things without retreating into addiction

There may be an element of mental illness, I'm not entirely convinced but there's a strong element of choice too

Be very careful in what you do- if he goes bankrupt as someone else has said debtors can come after you as you have proceeds.
Seek legal advice

Yes have done all the credit checks on myself which are fine. I have a meeting with a solicitor on monday to set the ball rolling. As sad and shocking as this is, I cant live in terror for the rest of my life.

@Wrenna

I don’t know if this would even work but could you divorce him so you’d never end up in the same financial boat but could still live together, have all totally separate accounts? Then it would make it easier to leave if it happened again? I’m sure this is a crazy idea but I’d have to make sure my son and I were 100% safe before I’d stay with him.

I was coming on to suggest the same thing.

You legally divorce. Share all assets. He keeps his debt (hopefully his share of the assets will pay off at least some.) You buy a house in your name only. No joint finances at all. You pay the mortgage. He buys the food. You share nothing. But if you want to (and only if you do) you stay together without risk to you.

Check your sons name too - honestly. You might want to give relatives a heads up too especially any that shared his address at any time while he was gambling.

I had a sibling run up debt in my name while living with me without my knowledge or consent.

Fair enough, but I only asked because, when my husband killed himself, I went through a phase of about 18 months to 2 years where I bought loads of stuff.
On reflection this was compensation, or trying to make myself feel better.
Anyway I stopped as I realised it was a silly thing to do.
Some things, like a Bechstein grand piano, were good things to buy, other things, eBay rip offs, not so much.

Substitute gambling addiction for heroin addiction.

Still want him in the house?
Still want to be emotionally tied?
Still want to be financially tied?

Do you want to ‘manage’ his recovery? You can’t.

Do you think addicts make good parents / choices? They don’t. They can’t.

Don’t minimise ‘it’s just gambling’. It’s not ‘just’.
It’s as corrosive as any substance abuse.

10yrs of lying to you and others.
10yrs of addiction (that he’s admitted).

Protect the emotional and financial well-being of you and DC.

He lies.
Tell all including his family. Don’t let him sucker anyone else in.

This is not your fault.
Not your shame.
You don’t have to fix it.

If you stay with him, you and your son will end up homeless.

People like this do not give a shit about anyone but themselves.

How could you stay? You’ve been living a lie for years. He’s an addict and will drag you and your son down with him if you don’t leave.

I would walk I honestly would. I’m sorry

He is an addict!
Divorce, have separate lives. Do as he suggested and use the equity to buy a home.
Your job is to give DS stability.

His job is to face his addiction and get professional help.

I would also not believe his confession is a full and complete one. Possibly there is more and worse. He's been lying for a decade, and he likely still is.

Glad you've set up a solicitor. That is the best first step.

@Headspinning188

The debt is all in his name and unsecured, so can not be cleared via home equity. He has a debt management plan set up to pay it off but it will take ages to pay off, about 17 years at this rate!!!

are you sure about this? Creditors can convert unsecured debt with a charging order to put a charge on your house if he fell behind on his payments.

I think if he was to be declared bankrupt he would be made to sell the house.

Likewise if bailiffs come calling they can take assets from the house if you can’t prove that they are yours

My ex did something similar to me, I bailed him out but he’d hidden more debts, he minimised everything, i wish I’d left him there and then because he later went on to really ruin my life.

My mother in law has also run up large bingo debts twice behind my father in laws back. They had to remortgage the house and he’s still working in his old age

Please take legal advice immediately. See what can be salvaged for you and your son from any equity you have anywhere in anything.
Can everything be transferred to you? Don't believe any promises he makes atm as regarding supporting you
You need to ensure your financial security then make an unbiased decision whether you are prepared to stay.

You can't help him , save yourself