Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband secret debt

186 replies

Headspinning188 · 13/11/2020 18:57

Hi, thanks in advance for reading. Last week, it came to light that my husband has hidden around 70k in debt from me (gambling addict). I had no idea and the shock has hit me like a train. I discovered this by opening a letter as I had a niggling feeling something was wrong when lots of post was starting to arrive. He claims he has been trying to tell me. Since this revelation, my husband claims to have told me everything. That he already has started the process of setting up a debt management plan to repay it (this will take multiple years), that he will easily be able to afford the repayments etc. This being because he had also lied about his salary to me, with him receiving substantially more than he told me. He has stolen all our savings to fund his habit.He has also borrowed substantial amounts from family members under false pretences. The lies and deceit are obviously huge. We are talking 10+ years here of deception. He is full of remorse and has passed everything over to me, including all.his banking details and credit files.Thank god, he has been paying the mortgage and none of the credit is in my name. We have a child together. Husband is a good father and has been a good husband on face value! My husband has promised me that I will be able to take the equity from our house sale to enable me to buy a property for my child and I. I will be able to afford this on my salary, just. What I'm asking really is do I walk away knowing that my son and I will be financially safe although lonely and less well off. Or do I stay, knowing that the debt is hanging over us and always having that feeling of distrust regardless of whether I have full control of all the finances. I'd really value some impartial opinions. Many thanks.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/11/2020 12:21

@isitsummertimeyet

Wait so he can lie, risk the family's security, gaslight OP, put his children's home in danger and OP is supposed to accept this behaviour and take responsibility for all adult decisions in the home from now on because her life partner isn't capable of doing so? Really? Two of them made vows. He has treated her appallingly over a long period of time, she has only just found out about this. He isn't who she thought he was. A loving father and husband does not put his family's security at risk and lie repeatedly, with gaslighting thrown in. Your message is disgracefully victim blaming and places all responsibility on OP to fix something that many people believe to be unfixable. Marriage vows aren't a license to treat someone terribly.

siiiiiiiiiigh · 15/11/2020 12:24

LTBnet wins again. This was salvageable and he needed your help, but no, listen to the vipers and pull the rug from under him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/11/2020 12:45

Lied about debt
Stole from joint savings
Borrowed from family under false pretences
Lied about salary

OP herself has said she doesn't feel she can live with the terror of being lied to again and losing more, being let down and betrayed again. She feels sick and unwell.

People are being supportive by saying to her that it's OK if she can't deal with this and doesn't want to stay together.

£70k of debt, endless lying and now expecting OP to somehow be ok with this by her having to be fully responsible the family's finances.

For many of us, the bar for a healthy loving relationship is higher than the way this man has behaved.

It's fine for you to disagree obviously, but OP has said she has made a decision to put herself and her son first - to prioritise their security and wellbeing. You've accused her of pulling the rug from underneath him when he's racked up £70k after ten years of lying... maybe you need to raise your bar when it comes to your standards for healthy relationships.

OP, you sound lovely and I'm so sorry this has happened to you Thanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/11/2020 12:45

That post was to @siiiiiiiiiigh obviously

ballsdeep · 15/11/2020 12:49

Oh op this is awful. 70k is so much money! Think of what you could have done as a family with that! And 17 years to pay it off?!? It's like a noose around your neck and who is to know he won't slip back in that time.
I would leave.

Krampusasbabysitter · 15/11/2020 22:32

@siiiiiiiiiigh

LTBnet wins again. This was salvageable and he needed your help, but no, listen to the vipers and pull the rug from under him.
What a ridiculous, gaslighting comment! OP's DH potentially ruined her and their child's future and put their home at risk. That's on him. OP has to put her child first and prevent this addict from bankrupting them. If you have zero boundaries and want to play the martyr fine but don't try to virtue-signal to others who have more common sense!
AcrossthePond55 · 16/11/2020 00:23

You've made the right decision. "For better or worse" doesn't mean one must willingly put up with behaviour that may ruin one's life of the life of your children.

An addict needs to 'salvage' and help themselves. All you can do is protect yourself and your son.

You didn't cause it
You cannot control it
You cannot cure it.

thanksgivingchi · 16/11/2020 00:54

OP isn't pulling the rug from under this relationship, her DH with ten years of stealing family money and lying has done this.
She is stepping up to protect her dc, her DH is still able to address his own issues and coparent successfully.

user1471538283 · 16/11/2020 08:17

My DSs "father" was a gambler and when I confronted him he said he couldnt help it so I would have to put up with it. Nothing was paid and we nearly lost our home before he was made to leave. I constantly felt sick because he would gamble everything including his winnings. He would buy strangers rounds of drinks whilst we had nothing. Everything revolved around the version of himself that didn't exist. He stopped working to gamble. He would sneered at ordinary people who worked hard for things. I was young enough to start again and I'm successful. It has been hard but I don't have to worry about losing my home. You cannot stay with him and try to refuse to pay any of his debts.

romeolovedjulliet · 16/11/2020 08:57

@siiiiiiiiiigh

LTBnet wins again. This was salvageable and he needed your help, but no, listen to the vipers and pull the rug from under him.
are you related to the ops dh or are you like him and just looking for a fight ? anyone with a half a brain cell wouldn't stay in this marriage / partnership, good for you op, my ex was an alkie, addiction is terrible but you have to look after your dc and yourself and do the right thing for your son, he will have picked up on / heard about this mess, get him out off it.
okokok000 · 16/11/2020 09:05

Hi Op, I see you're taking divorce advice. You also need someone with knowledge of insolvency too.

Whilst the debts are not secured against the house, if he were declared bankrupt a trustee in bankruptcy would typically seek to realise (get a court order with a view to selling the property unless you purchase his share) your husbands "share" of the property.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page