Husband secret debt

[Headspinning188]

Hi, thanks in advance for reading. Last week, it came to light that my husband has hidden around 70k in debt from me (gambling addict). I had no idea and the shock has hit me like a train. I discovered this by opening a letter as I had a niggling feeling something was wrong when lots of post was starting to arrive. He claims he has been trying to tell me. Since this revelation, my husband claims to have told me everything. That he already has started the process of setting up a debt management plan to repay it (this will take multiple years), that he will easily be able to afford the repayments etc. This being because he had also lied about his salary to me, with him receiving substantially more than he told me. He has stolen all our savings to fund his habit.He has also borrowed substantial amounts from family members under false pretences. The lies and deceit are obviously huge. We are talking 10+ years here of deception. He is full of remorse and has passed everything over to me, including all.his banking details and credit files.Thank god, he has been paying the mortgage and none of the credit is in my name. We have a child together. Husband is a good father and has been a good husband on face value! My husband has promised me that I will be able to take the equity from our house sale to enable me to buy a property for my child and I. I will be able to afford this on my salary, just. What I'm asking really is do I walk away knowing that my son and I will be financially safe although lonely and less well off. Or do I stay, knowing that the debt is hanging over us and always having that feeling of distrust regardless of whether I have full control of all the finances. I'd really value some impartial opinions. Many thanks.

Mate, I'd get serious independent from him financial advice. You may be better off staying in the house and gett9ng it signed over to you.

This wasn't a whoopsie, it was long term deceit. Get some independent counselling. When I was vulnerable I called someone to talk things over but in hindsight, they were totally biased. Talk to someone neutral so you know that YOU have made the right decision.

It would be a deal breaker for me. The lying, the debt. Couldn't get over that.

Hi OP.

Haven’t rtft, but I wanted to suggest something that may not have been mentioned yet.

I think you and your husband would benefit from financial coaching (together), alongside treating his gambling addiction with something like GA. Coaching isn’t like financial advice, as coaches like myself don’t sell products.
I am a coach that specialises in working with families with children, and I really think that your husband needs help to deal with his emotional relationship with money, as it’s likely that this is a root of his gambling (probably not the only root). Family coaching would also allow you to voice what you need to stay in the relationship, and the coaching alliance will hold both you and DH accountable in moving forwards. It also forces continuous financial honesty in your relationship.
By all means see a solicitor for options, but I wouldn’t write off your marriage without exploring the counselling options

I really struggle with all the judgey ‘he lied to you! Walk away!’ Posts. It’s all anyone ever says on here and it just feels a bit glass house to me. If he really is a good dad and has paid the mortgage and you love him, have fun and laugh together then surely that is something worth fighting for?
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t speak from experience which I guess makes me lucky but the grass isnt always greener, sometimes you have to water your own grass, stick together and grow from it. Personally if I thought he was genuinely remorseful I would give him a chance.

I would also double check on whether the debt management company could take the equity if you were to sell. I don’t understand these things properly but I would have thought it’s one thing to not be able to take the house you live in for an unsecured loan but it’s quite another for your husband to walk away from a house sale with tons of equity whilst owing tens of thousands! Like I say I’m certainly no expert but I would seek advice from someone who is!

Dh's brother is a gambling addict. SIL found out when he had gambled away £25k of redundancy money that was supposed to be sitting in a savings account. Thankfully she found out before he started racking up debt.

She made it clear if he didn't contact gamblers anonymous immediately and be 100% transparent to her she would walk with their 2 dc, one toddler and one newborn.

He joined GA and it was a shock to him how bad it had got for some people and saw where he was heading. He handed all finance and access to money to SIL and 12 years later they are still together and happy. He owns his problem, openly talks about it and still goes to GA when he needs reminded what could happen.

If your dh is similarly committed and will proactively get and engage professional help long term I would think carefully about what to do next and not make a rash decision, but the burden of £70k of debt would be very hard to forgive.

LeSquih the home is already broken by the lies and deceit. Being from a broken home can be better than being in a broken home.

OP well done for getting an appointment with a solicitor. If you can take any documents, or screenshots of the unsecured debts. Then get your ducks in a row.

Ignore the broken home bollocks. Better out of it than in.

Such and old fashioned mysogynistic approach designed to keep women in their place.

@Bobthebuilder12389 sorry do I understand that your husband/partner ran up at least 60k of debt. It wasn't gambling and you don't know where it went yet you're still with him?? I just don't see where the honesty is there. Surely he knows what he spent it on?

My ex was a coke addict. I also found out because he started getting mail (he hadn't been paying the mortgage). Spent 3 years trying to help him with counselling, meetings, me taking control of finances (whoever knew drug dealers did tabs?!), rehab and everything! But it still didn't work and I had to tak away for the sake of my mental health. House was already gone by this point! So really I'd advise leaving before you feel you've been taken for a mug for years and you need to build your own mental health up again!

I'd leave.

He hasn't just hidden debt from you - he's actively stolen from you. Repeatedly.

You deserve better.

Agree the phrase broken home is loaded with such nasty, negative associations. It's a phrase that has kept many women over the years in unhealthy relationships and unhappy homes. Perfectly possible to coparent healthily while modelling good relationship behaviour to your kids - seeing two independent and healthy parents who happen not to be together is much more beneficial than living in a toxic home full of resentment, deceit and simmering anger. I wish my parents had split up sooner and feel a mixture of anger and guilt they stayed together 'for me' until I was 18.

'It's an illness'. So is alcoholism or heroin addiction but I hope no one would advocate staying with her husband if those were his addictions.

Gamblers are addicts. They don't love people, they love gambling. Unless they have done a lot of work (and being sad because you've been found out isn't doing a lot of work) they will always be gamblers. They can't be trusted and will leave you with nothing.

Leave. Your husband is a liar and an addict and loves his addiction much more than he loves you.

He's unburdened himself on to you but he had to as you caught him out

I bet he feels loads better now, your now handling all the finances and now all the worry, I bet you don't know everything to be honest. Ide check you still own the house and he hasn't remortgaged it behind your back

I worry that he has told you all, finally... because you will now need to share the debt 😞

I would get your security, everything in your name in a new house as proposed but support him psychologically only if you want to. If he is willing to go with this (and counselling) then you can hopefully, slowly build trust

[quote Exodanaddict]@Bobthebuilder12389 sorry do I understand that your husband/partner ran up at least 60k of debt. It wasn't gambling and you don't know where it went yet you're still with him?? I just don't see where the honesty is there. Surely he knows what he spent it on?

My ex was a coke addict. I also found out because he started getting mail (he hadn't been paying the mortgage). Spent 3 years trying to help him with counselling, meetings, me taking control of finances (whoever knew drug dealers did tabs?!), rehab and everything! But it still didn't work and I had to tak away for the sake of my mental health. House was already gone by this point! So really I'd advise leaving before you feel you've been taken for a mug for years and you need to build your own mental health up again![/quote]
Thanks for the advice, but I am happy where I am.

Yes, £60k over 5 years. Everytime I’d ask if we could afford something he’d say we are fine, he cashed in some shares or got a tax refund. I know I was very gullible to believe him and in hindsight I had my head buried in the sand. I had a lot going on elsewhere. My DB helped him clear out our garage as I refused to go in because it was a shit hole. My DB a tradesman told me he found 3 ridiculously expensive tools, all in near new condition. Apparently when DH couldn’t see something straight away when he needed it, in stead of tidying the garage and moving things he’d just buy a new one. There were multiple of the same item. He also told me he sold an old car, reality was he left it abandoned where is clocked up several tickets and fines when it was clamped. It was all things like this. He took payday loans out too. Once the debt started building interest was added. I gave up trying to calculate everything, I don’t see a point anymore, we just needed to move on and make sure it dosnt happen again.

Another one who'd leave. It doesn't mean you have to have a bad relationship - you can encourage your child to see him etc - but you will suffer immensely (and so will your son) if you stay with him.

As for him feeling sick, well, I'm sure he's felt sick because of his gambling many, many times over the last decade but it didn't change anything, did it?

This is really tough, I would be fuming and I suspect that you must be under some form of shock and grief.

I think if things were otherwise good, I might consider as another poster suggested divorcing him, separating the finances in your favour and dating him. This would only be the case i had complete access to all his bank accounts and he sought help and paid back all the debt and he apologised to those he borrowed from.

@bobthebuilder12389
Sorry advice below it wasn't meant for you I was just curious. But it seems like as you say it was more like a shopping type addiction? Just buying things pointlessly. Which at least explains where the money was. I read it wrong and thought there was no explanation at all. I'm glad things all worked out whne you took control though. As I said my situation was a while other issue.. Since they gave him it with no money then just let debts build up.

Wow @Bobthebuilder12389 you have to treat your husband like a child. What a dreadful way to live.

Last person l knew with a gambling addict husband, ended up homeless with 5 children (2 of them weren’t even hers, they were from her husbands previous marriage!). He didn’t “try to tell you”. Im not convinced he has told you everything that has gone on. Let’s be realistic, he only told you because he has to. I would be gone after a revelation like that

But plenty others manage those things without retreating into addiction

Plenty of people have babies and don’t get post natal depression. Some people do. It doesn’t mean we can’t show empathy for them.

It’s as corrosive as any substance abuse.

Arguably worse, a substance abusers binges are tempered somewhat by the fact they'll pass out at some stage - gamblers can go on binges lasting weeks and months essentially.

I agree with don't underestimate the effects in comparison to substance addicts, bookies and lenders can be just as dangerous as dealers in pursuit of the money they're owed

You really won't know the half of it yet! This is why I mentioned a forensic accountant, you need to be absolutely certain you cannot be pursued for any of his debts and as you're married that won't really be the case until you're divorced and all financial matters settled

I’m sure you’d try and help if it was alcohol for instance

The ONLY person who has the power to put an addict in recovery is the addict.

I'm the child of an alcoholic and I always advise posters with alcoholic partners/spouses to leave because living with an addict is shit for kids, even when they're in recovery, and yes I apply that to pretty much all addicts, I've yet to meet an addict (I know a lot!) who is a fully engaged and decent parent. Some of their partners/spouses try and kid themselves it's not the case I'd say 99% of the time it is!

Who a person fundamentally is doesn't change. Addicts ime to a person are fundamentally selfish, immature, dysfunctional, narcissistic and severely lack empathy.

Whether they're active addicts or not. Even when they're in recovery that's their main focus and main priority - above and beyond their relationships, jobs, other adult responsibilities.

Unpopular maybe, but in my experience that's the case.

but it would be conditional on him getting proper help.

Addicts forced into recovery programmes by ultimatums etc generally don't succeed in achieving long term sobriety. They have to want to do it themselves and even then the chances of relapse are pretty high.

There's a mantra for those who love addicts:

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

IF there's no others involved and the person in the relationship with an addict chooses to stay with them and support them in their CHOSEN path to recovery that's one thing, it's quite another to make that decision for others especially children

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t speak from experience

no offence intended but I think the majority if not all of us saying leave DO have experience and I think with a subject like this that's crucial

Being from a broken home can be better than being in a broken home. I heartily agree

I wish my parents had split up sooner

Yep! Mine are still together but really should have split decades ago. My siblings and I all have issues with trust, anxiety, control, functioning in relationships generally.

I'm 48 and housebound mainly due to mh issues which are mainly due to my childhood.

@Headspinning188 I am so sorry this is happening you to, it seems so unfair.

If you feel that your marriage is over, then of course you must leave and rebuild with your DS, but if you feel that you still love your Husband enough to want the marriage to work in spite of everything, then I would personally give things a chance - but on my own terms.

I may have a slightly different perspective here, as I am an addict myself (substance abuse rather than gambling though) and have been in recovery for 8 years. When everything was 'revealed' in my case, I threw myself into treatment, attending daily meetings for the first year, undertook 1-2-1 counselling along with group therapy and opened up my whole life to my Husband, so I could no longer have secrets from him. It was hard for all of us, but we felt our marriage was worth fighting for and I was incredibly lucky, and remain incredibly grateful, that my DH was willing to give me a chance - although I knew that if I relapsed, there wouldn't be another, which would have devastated us all.

If your DH is willing to hand his life and finances over to you, to let you take control, to have access to his banking, email, computer and phone, to agree to having a tracker app installed on his phone (so you can always be sure he is where he says he will be) and commits to addiction recovery treatment (i.e. Gamblers Anonymous), that would be a good basis on which to begin to construct a new, more honest phase in your marriage. If he's not willing to accept whichever terms you deem necessary, then it sounds like a non-starter - you need to feel in control of the situation and he needs to submit, and take responsibility for the reasons why he needs to regain your trust.

Whether you decide to leave your DH or not, make sure that you feel in control of the direction your life takes now. Your DH has lied and stolen from you - as a result of his addiction - so now he needs to prove to you that he wants to recover from his addiction which means letting you do whatever you need to do to make sure you and your DS are financially and emotionally secure. I hope things work out for you.

I feel like I can't read this post and run as it feels so close to home.

I have a spending problem. Have done my entire life. Ran up debt in my name that wasn't being paid. The spending problem is more on generic things, going out for meals, coffees, going to the supermarket for 2 things and spending £60 later. Not thinking about the future impact on what I was doing.

I have experienced childhood trauma myself and I know I can't blame this but it has been only since my LB has been born (20 months) that things spiralled. To the point I ran up £7500 on a credit card in my husbands name. Prior to my little boy being born I managed this credit card and it was managed as per my husbands wishes. Then I lost control.

2 weeks ago my husband found out via checking his credit report. This has made the situation worse as I didn't go to him to tell him. I was so scared to tell him, fearing what his reaction would be. He suffers from anxiety and I was so scared that this would send him to a dark place.

That happened regardless.

I honestly cannot begin to tell u how difficult this has been and its only 2 weeks in. I am beyond grateful that my husband is giving me a chance to put it right. Pay him back, sort out my own finances and get help for what is triggering me to do this. I know within myself it comes from an unhappiness. Obviously I am still working through all of this and I know it's going to take a long time to fully see the light.

I just can't tell u how beyond sick I feel at what I have done to my husband though. He didn't deserve any of this.

I have thought about whether the shoe was on the other foot, would i do the same and give him a chance? I am probably biased because of my situation but my answer is yes.
We all make mistakes but I think it's how we put them right is what defines us.

By all means I absolutely think u should safeguard u and ur son financially. But if u love ur husband and u think he has a genuine problem, try and b there for him and get him better.

People absolutely do change and now for the first time in my life all I am thinking about is my future and not living in the moment.