To be absolutely dreading a call that my step children's bubble has to isolate

[PuddinThePuffin]

Because I know it'll be me, the only one WFH, who'll be expected to 'pitch in' and look after them so their parents can go to work.

I know it might make sense. I know it's better that their parents are still able to work but I am absolutely dreading it (if it happens). It's already happened to a lot of my friends children and I'm just expecting it any time.

I know for a fact that neither my husband or their mum will want to take two weeks off work and all eyes will be on me to offer considering I'm at home.

I've been a step parent for the best part of 20 years. I care for those kids, now adults, very much.
My home is their home. My income has supported them. I have helped my husband and his ex raise them.
I have never considered myself to be their parent. But I am a big part of their lives.
Their parents however are always the default parents. Not me. It's not me picking and choosing. It's the way it is.
This is the perpetual dilemma and condemnation of step parents. Parent too much, you're overstepping, parent too little and you're not part of the family.

@SoloMummy who says she isnt? And she should be able to rely on her OH to help her like she worked help him, this isnt him it's his kids, as I said unless you have been in the position you cannot understand

Then, the op needs to be prepared that if she doesn't view herself as a parent too, so doesn't wish to be involved as a parent when the children are members of the household, then the op needs to accept she may fracture her relationship and effectively be in a position where quite rightly, when she is in a moment of need, that she will have to paddle her own boat. So, if there was an "emergency" is the op willing to accept this, as this would not be unreasonable of the op's partner. Though tbh, right now, this doesn't feel at all like a partnership. Now obviously, the pandemic may have led to an increased need for her involvement, but that's entirely to be expected and also what she signed up to, but now reneging on.

This is such a petty and one sided perspective. No, step parents do not sign up to and renege on looking after their step kids while their parents choose not to. When you get together with somebody and you have kids you are not hiring an on tap nanny, no matter how much you wish you were. Turning around and saying "well you won't watch my kids for me at times when I'm equally capable of doing it so I'm going to neglect you when you actually need it" is not a good look. Neither is expecting them to risk their day job instead if you and calling them self centred and telling them they shouldn't have their own children if they're not willing to make those "necessary sacrifices" for your kids 🙄 Parents that get into new relationships should not be viewing things from the angle that the new partner must act like a third parent or they are falling short and are unworthy of their partner's respect or love. Those that do are displaying highly self absorbed and entitled behaviour.

Parents need to work to afford to feed and keep a roof over their children's heads. It's not "selfish" of them to want to keep their jobs. It's a shit situation.

That said, it's not the OP's responsibility to help them out of this shit, especially as it sounds like it's mostly going to be shit for their mum as RP and not for the OP's OH as NRP. So largely not their problem.

Instead, their "selfish" mum will just have to take the professional and financial consequences herself without a second income to shield her family. How unbelievable of her to be worried about not being able to pay her bills.

As a lone parent who has continued wfh throughout, including juggling home learning, I am surprised that the op has such an issue given it sounds as though the sc are older and more independent than my own child and we managed throughout lockdown 1(I'm a shielder so no early return to school) and during isolation bubble bursts.

It's easily manageable if you want it to be. Especially if you're not doing the homeschooling as well.

They are YOUR children. You have to muddle through because you just have to. I don’t think it’s fair to expect the op and other stepmums like her to make sacrifices and put the stepchildren at the top of their list of priorities just because mums have to do that for their own children. It’s not the same is it? One has parental responsibility from a legal and moral perspective and the other one doesn’t. So you going on saying you do this you do that... well yes of course you do. You’re their mum! The op isn’t her stepchildren’s mum.

I’m a single parent. My children don’t stay with their dad but he’s in contact with them. So as you can guess I do the bulk of everything. But I wouldn’t expect their stepmum if they had one to re jig her work patterns and her general life for my children.

The op has to work, and she doesn’t want to be responsible for her stepchildren while she’s trying to concentrate on working. So she should get to veto the decision.

@MessAllOver who said she was selfish?

@aSofaNearYou. Lots of people on here are indicating that it would be incredibly presumptuous and selfish of the parents to expect the OP to help. They should just do it themselves since the kids are theirs, not the OP's.

In reality, since the kids can't move between parents, it's a non-issue anyway. Their mum will have to do the whole 14 days. The OP and her DH won't have to do anything.

Fwiw, in normal times, I would think it was selfish and self-centred of parents to expect others to look after their children to facilitate them working. That's because they have various options available:

• School/after-school club.
• Family and friends.
• Childcare swaps with other families.
• Paid childcare or babysitter.
• The other parent.

In this situation, the kids' mum can't use any of those options. There's no way she'll be able to work unless she can somehow wfh (unlikely or she'd probably be doing it already). So it's either unpaid leave or, if her employer has reached the end of their tolerance limit, resigning. She'll also, I imagine, be at the front of the queue for any redundancies coming. Not great with only one income coming in.

So I do feel a little sorry for her. Not because I think step-parents should provide unpaid childcare (I really don't) but because all the usual options parents (and single parents especially) use to cobble together enough childcare so their lives don't fall apart are currently unavailable. What a stressful situation.

@MessAllOver well, it IS presumptuous to assume anyone is going to provide childcare for you. Selfish isn't really the right word, entitled is. That's not to say the situation isn't tough and a parent is wrong to struggle with it, but they are and will always be wrong to expect SOMEONE ELSE to take the hit instead of them. There is no getting around that fact.

@aSofaNearYou. Most working parents plan their lives on the basis of being able to pay for childcare. It is presumptuous and entitled to assume people are going to provide unpaid childcare for you, but there's nothing in the least "entitled" about assuming that childcare will generally be available if you pay for it. We all could have predicted childcare costs when we chose to have children, but none of us could have predicted a global pandemic.

There's a whole list of things which it is "presumptuous" for parents to do, but something's got to give somewhere:

• It's presumptuous of parents to expect to wfh while caring for their children - they should have childcare.
• It's presumptuous of parents to expect others to care for their children - they should be doing it themselves.
• It's presumptuous of parents to expect leave (even if unpaid) to care for their children - why should they get special treatment just because they have kids?
• It's presumptuous of parents to lose their jobs, not work and claim benefits - why should the taxpayer support their children when they chose to have them?

Unfortunately, having one's children cryogenically frozen for the duration of lockdown/self-isolation is not an option or I would have done so for my toddler in March.

I'm not saying the OP is being unreasonable in not wanting to help - I don't think she is. Even if she wanted to help, she's not allowed to and neither is her DH. But I dislike the attitude that expecting childcare is generally being "entitled". It depends on the circumstances, really. Most working parents have a web of both paid and unpaid childcare that they rely on to facilitate their lives and there's nothing entitled about that.

@MessAllOver Again, I don't understand why you think circumstances affect whether it is unreasonable to expect someone else to solve those problems for you.

Parents aren't at all unreasonable to complain and feel hard done by about the expectation on parents to wfh but not have their kids there, or the lack of support for parents from the government. But they are still entitled to expect another unrelated adult to do it for them. They are welcome to ask politely but wholly unreasonable (and yes entitled) to expect it. What's more, the comment I was responding to wasn't even focused on the Covid situation, it was arguing that this is generally an acceptable expectation of step parents and "what they signed up for".

Few people have said the OP is wrong to not want to pick up the slack @aSofaNearYou. You seem unable to see, however, that if mum asks dad for help, she is not ,asking the OP to care for her children, her partner is if he is passing on that responsibility to his partner. It is not acceptable that a single parent should be facing losing her income, particularly if it’s the case that isolation happens several times in the next few months without the other parent trying to do something to support the situation. Your black and white view of the situation lacks empathy of the situation so many of us are facing as this pandemic rumbles on. It would be nice to see both parents and step parents trying to come up with a solution so that impact on work is minimised for all concerned. One possible way of supporting would be mum dealing with these two weeks and dad dealing with it next time it happens, perhaps?

@Istheitnow I'm not failing to see that at all, I think wires have been crossed. I wasn't commenting on OPs partner doing the childcare, or indeed commenting on the ex in this scenario. I was commenting on SoloMummy's attitude about expectations of step parenting, and the general argument that there is any scenario where you can just expect someone else to have your kids (other than their other parent) without it being inherently entitled.

I don't understand why you think circumstances affect whether it is unreasonable to expect someone else to solve those problems for you.

There is no solution to this problem in self-isolation, that's the whole issue. My usual solution to childcare issues is to, well you know, organise childcare. Usually paid for so no "entitlement" there.

I have sympathy for parents who just ignore the rules and get outside help in anyway. Luckily not in this position, but if I faced losing my job or my home, that's what I'd do. Ignore the rules and crack on.

But they are still (not?) entitled to expect another unrelated adult to do it for them. They are welcome to ask politely but wholly unreasonable (and yes entitled) to expect it.

I agree. But the OP isn't a complete stranger. She's in a relationship with the kids' dad. If mum loses her job and can't house or feed the kids, he's going to have to step up and do this. That will affect the OP. So, for selfish reasons, she's not entirely unconnected with what happens to the kids' mum, even if she doesn't care about the welfare of the kids.

@MessAllOver I have sympathy for all of that, I never said I didn't. I'm working from home with my 2 year old most days too. I just disagree with the mentality that the "three of them" need to make sacrifices to find a solution. That isn't the step parents job, like all other parents, it's theirs. It's hard but it's reality. Excluding a scenario where the step parent is reliant on one of the parents income, it isn't their problem to deal with morally.

@aSofaNearYou. But the reality here is that it's probably not two parents who will have to make sacrifices to find a solution, it's only one parent (the mum). That doesn't make it the OP's problem but it does make the lack of sympathy for the kids' mum (with which this thread is dripping) a bit grating. If I were her, I'd be seriously considering dropping the kids off on the doorstep on the basis of a "mental health crisis" after the first week.

I was commenting on SoloMummy's attitude about expectations of step parenting, and the general argument that there is any scenario where you can just expect someone else to have your kids (other than their other parent) without it being inherently entitled.

That’s what I picked up on too. And also, I absolutely hate the attitude that if mums do x y z then stepmums should be doing x y z too.

@MessAllOver I'm not in disagreement about any of that. It would be equally appropriate for the dad to have them during that time, but the expectation should be that it should be one or both of them. If it is him that is driving the expectation that OP should step in and do it for him, then he is the one being unreasonable. I'm not on any kind of campaign against the mum, I haven't even mentioned her myself.