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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely dreading a call that my step children's bubble has to isolate

192 replies

PuddinThePuffin · 13/11/2020 13:02

Because I know it'll be me, the only one WFH, who'll be expected to 'pitch in' and look after them so their parents can go to work.

I know it might make sense. I know it's better that their parents are still able to work but I am absolutely dreading it (if it happens). It's already happened to a lot of my friends children and I'm just expecting it any time.

I know for a fact that neither my husband or their mum will want to take two weeks off work and all eyes will be on me to offer considering I'm at home.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 13/11/2020 16:23

@MessAllOver

The reason why, in your shoes, I might help for 3 days is that in self-isolation, they have no other childcare options available to them. It's not like either mum or dad can simply shell out for a babysitter or get family to help. Their options are annual or unpaid leave if they can't wfh themselves and employers have started to get very shitty about this. Especially for women. So if your DH wants his ex to continue to have a job so she can provide for the children, it might be in his interests to help her and in your interests to help him. But if they can just take leave and they can both afford to lose the pay, they need to suck it up as parents and do a week each.
What about her job? Wouldn't ot be in the best interest of Op's dh and childrwn to keep her job or is her job somehow meaningless? Why does the ex get a pass because she has a job and OP doesn't even though she also has a job.
Lovemusic33 · 13/11/2020 16:23

I’m dreading it too. Had email today conforming there is a case at my DD’s sn school, chances are there will be more next week so I may end up with her home. I don’t WFH, I am self employed so if I have to stay home to care for her I won’t be able to work (no money), I’m a single parent so I won’t have a choice.

I think most parents and step parents are dreading “the phone call/email”?

CaveMum · 13/11/2020 16:25

If they are supposed to be isolating due to close contact with a confirmed positive then that means they must stay in their usual place of residence for the whole 14 days, not do a week here and a week there.

MessAllOver · 13/11/2020 16:28

@Leaannb. It depends entirely on the situation. If the OP is having a really busy time at work and has an inflexible job, then helping's not really an option and the parents need to suck it up and do a week each. OP's job is in no way less important than the ex/her DH's.

But if it's going to be really difficult for them to take time off and they're likely to lose their jobs over it, the OP might want to help them out for a few days (not the whole 14 days). As a favour, not because she has to.

Devlesko · 13/11/2020 16:29

Because I know it'll be me, the only one WFH, who'll be expected to 'pitch in' and look after them so their parents can go to work.

Only if you have mug tattooed on your head, or you like telling people what a martyr you are.
Tell them to look after their own kids, they made, not you.
Should do the trick.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/11/2020 16:35

Honestly, I wouldn't wait until it happens to say no. That's where a lot of the problems lie, them assuming and not making plans then saying they 'can't' take off work.

I'd sit DH down and have a frank conversation right now. It sets the parameters not only for this situation but for future situations, too. That you are not and will not be the 'default' childcare.

Leaannb · 13/11/2020 16:37

[quote MessAllOver]@Leaannb. It depends entirely on the situation. If the OP is having a really busy time at work and has an inflexible job, then helping's not really an option and the parents need to suck it up and do a week each. OP's job is in no way less important than the ex/her DH's.

But if it's going to be really difficult for them to take time off and they're likely to lose their jobs over it, the OP might want to help them out for a few days (not the whole 14 days). As a favour, not because she has to.[/quote]
She is at work. She is already busy. Of she takes care of those kids who evidently fight all the time its going to cause her productivity to fall and risk her job.

dolphinpose · 13/11/2020 16:38

Their parents need to take turns to look after them. You work from home. You can't work and do childcare simultaneously. That is two jobs. You have a job.

MessAllOver · 13/11/2020 16:39

Like I said, it would be a favour not an obligation.

dolphinpose · 13/11/2020 16:39

If one of them has a serious accident while you are on a Zoom call and you don't hear or notice because you are at work you can't be held responsible. They need to take time off. You could too, to help out, if you wanted, but do your stint after they've done theirs or theirs might never materialise.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 13/11/2020 16:41

DS1 is in isolation through to a confirmed case in his immediate friendship group in his bubble. He's not visited his Dad during this time because it's not appropriate to move between homes whilst isolating. I checked with PHE and their expectation is that the child will isolate at their usual residence and continue contact with the other parent once out of isolation.

YANBU at all, though. I WFH and it's bloody hard work trying to juggle a job and DC at home. I wouldn't willingly do it ever.

DeciduousPerennial · 13/11/2020 16:41

But you’re working. Just because you’re at home doesn’t mean you’re not working. If your job is such that you need to be at a computer and actually logged on and available and doing work during the day then you can’t look after children unless they are old enough that they don’t need looking after.

Your husband and his ex are their parents, they are the ones who need to sort this out between them. Not you. By all means between the three of you you can come up with a plan that involves the three of you, you can make it clear that as their step mum you’re very willing to pitch in and help, but what you are not prepared to do is put up with the assumption that it’s your responsibility just because you’re at home when all 3 of you have jobs.

What you need to do is have the conversation with your husband now - before anything happens - so that he is clear on boundaries and expectations, and then he and his ex can have a pre-emptive conversation. (Although I can’t understand why they haven’t already done that tbh. Or you.)

WeAllHaveWings · 13/11/2020 16:56

Are children allowed to move between houses if they are isolating?

If yes, it is fair your dh takes a week and his ex takes a week of the quarantine. How his ex deals with that is not your or your dh's problem.

For you dh's week can you do a mixture of you'll do a couple of days and he takes a couple of days off work (unpaid if necessary).

LockdownLil · 13/11/2020 17:01

The only way this would be ok is if you were a SAHM to the guy's second family, and had signed up for all of you being supported by him while he brings home the bacon. Have you children of your own with him? He sounds completely U

Itsonlymakebelieve · 13/11/2020 17:02

Surely if your DH or his ex thinks it’s so easy to WFH and look after children they should be asking their respective workplaces if they can do this if the call comes? ( unless they are frontline NHS workers and desperately needed at work). If their workplaces say okay, your problem is solved. If their workplaces say that’s just not possible then they may think a bit more about what they are expecting you to do.
Will your DH support you if you lose your job over poor performance while looking after his kids?

KumquatSalad · 13/11/2020 17:07

Are children allowed to move between houses if they are isolating?

No.

MrsMigginsMate · 13/11/2020 17:08

How much does your partner contribute financially compared to you to the home? Surely it comes down to which person's boss you can afford to piss off the most. So basically long term which income would you prefer to lose. Both of you have careers on the line over this, so it's down to economics. If it's 'not your children, not your problem' then by the same logic that means your partner's income is 'not yours, not your problem'. So if you are benefitting in any way from him sharing bills then you can't exactly sit on your high horse and tell him his career means less than yours. A relationship is about sharing the load. They may not be your children but he is your partner and he comes with children who will inevitably create various burdens. If you don't want to meet him halfway and assist in sharing any of his burdens then it's a pretty crap relationship IMO. Take a bit of annual leave and get him to take some too. Its called teamwork, it's what makes relationships work and it's not as hard as you are making it out to be.

Presumably if one of your dear relatives got sick and you had to be their carer you would expect him to help out from time to time if you needed a break? The idea that we are complete islands without any combined obligations is ridiculous, and it's an excuse used by too many step parents to justify some pretty crappy relationship dynamics.

stackemhigh · 13/11/2020 17:09

Both your DH and his ex are nobs for expecting this. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 13/11/2020 17:09

Umm no. Not your kids OP. Why would it be down to you. They have parents that will have to take 2 weeks off.

Retiremental · 13/11/2020 17:11

What kind of jobs do DH and his Ex do?

Original poster
PuddinThePuffin · 13/11/2020 17:27

Sorry for the late reply, I've been... Working!! Haha.

So basically long term which income would you prefer to lose. Both of you have careers on the line over this, so it's down to economics

I have to reply to this though because I think it's really wrong. Regardless as to who brings more income into the house (and we both bring equal really), I would not consider losing my job for anyone's children but my own. I understand the whole being a team but I think that's such an incredible risk (and such a huge ask of another person) for children that I could end up never seeing again if my husband left tomorrow.

My career should not be 'on the line' at all! I wouldn't want to lose my financial independence to care for my husband's children, I may take that risk if they were mine but they are not.

And no, if I had a relative to care for, I would not consider my husbands career on the line as well as my own. He may help out, but I wouldn't expect him to do so at the detriment of his own job or risk pissing his boss off just because we could afford to lose his income more.

OP posts:
MrsMigginsMate · 13/11/2020 17:46

@PuddinThePuffin

Sorry for the late reply, I've been... Working!! Haha.

So basically long term which income would you prefer to lose. Both of you have careers on the line over this, so it's down to economics

I have to reply to this though because I think it's really wrong. Regardless as to who brings more income into the house (and we both bring equal really), I would not consider losing my job for anyone's children but my own. I understand the whole being a team but I think that's such an incredible risk (and such a huge ask of another person) for children that I could end up never seeing again if my husband left tomorrow.

My career should not be 'on the line' at all! I wouldn't want to lose my financial independence to care for my husband's children, I may take that risk if they were mine but they are not.

And no, if I had a relative to care for, I would not consider my husbands career on the line as well as my own. He may help out, but I wouldn't expect him to do so at the detriment of his own job or risk pissing his boss off just because we could afford to lose his income more.

I honestly don't understand your reasoning. Yes you may never see the children again if he left but it isn't about the children. Its about sharing each others problems in life and helping each other where you can.

I asked my husband to take time off work to drive me to my cancer treatments as it made me too ill to drive myself back...by your logic he should have refused to do so because "not my cancer, not my problem".

Nope, sorry OP but you are being completely unreasonable.

MessAllOver · 13/11/2020 17:53

I don't think you should put your career at risk. In your position, I'd only help if the kids could basically look after themselves or if I could take annual leave for a few days.

But it's up to you and, to a large extent, depends on your relationship with your DH and ex. You sound a bit put upon, actually, so it's not surprising you're unwilling to see their problem as being your problem.

Beamur · 13/11/2020 19:30

MrsMigginsmate
That's not remotely comparable.
We're talking about childcare. Which should fall to the children's primary carers.

MrsMigginsMate · 13/11/2020 20:05

It is indeed comparable Beamur. Those children are an incredibly important part of OPs partner's world, he has presumably devoted himself fully to their upbringing and care. Its hardly a big ask in a normal relationship to take a small amount of annual leave to help your partner when they are in need.

When you take on a man with kids you must accept that the kids are a part of him. You can't separate out the two and pretend they are literally not your problem. You can certainly choose not to be called mummy and take on a motherly role if that's not what you desire. But you can't run away from the crap they bring with them, the burdens they place on your partner. Its like a Venn diagram, you on one side and the kids on the other with the man in the middle. The kids may not be your responsibility but investing in your relationship with your partner IS.

Any 'problem' that is my husband's is also a 'problem' of mine. And vice versa. I can't just decide which ones to support him with because it suits me.

And OPs partner has a custody share agreement then he is responsible for the children during those agreed hours. Fobbing the kids off back to their mothers isn't an acceptable answer. Parenting is a team sport and he wouldn't be doing his but if he expected her to do all the isolation cover. So for OP to help partner out during partner's half of the custody hours is reasonable IMO.