To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

Those who think it's selfish because she'll die younger - should terminally ill women not have babies? Or those with medical conditions that limit life spans?

@lovemincepies

I have had my children in early 40s I always remember my midwife saying more and more women have their children in their 50s and she didn't think it was such a big deal.

You sound like a lovely friend I am sure you will help loads.

Nope don't believe that at all. I think its really quite selfish for someone to have children at that age for so many reasons.

If this was a man nobody would blink an eye!
Op you can go with her o appointments after lockdown where allowed and guide her on what she needs to buy for her babies and see what help she can get,child benefit etc.
Wishing her all the best

You congratulate her. You ask if she wants support at appointments or the birth.

You talk through practicalities with her.

If she is financially secure to that is one worry of the list. A nanny is an excellent idea. Perhaps a night nanny too for the early months?

There are practical steps any single parent needs to take - regardless of age. She needs a will. Who would be guardian of the children if something happens to her?

She also should probably see a financial advisor - her circumstances have changed drastically😊.

She need a good network of support. Brilliant she has you. Start looking into parenting groups where she would feel comfortable. They aren’t all full of young mums.

My friend recently had a baby at 43 and felt very self conscious at the group because the mums were all in their twenties. Just the wrong group and she found one where she was closer to the average age.

It will to tough at her age, but it’s done now.

I know someone who had twins via egg donation when she was 51 (and her partner was 40)
Must admit, she was the most laid back mother ever - nothing seemed to faze her and she just got on with it.

should terminally ill women not have babies? Or those with medical conditions that limit life spans?

No, I really don't think someone who is terminally ill should have a child knowing they will die while that child was young . As for life limiting conditions, I suppose it depends on how life limiting it is.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Poor kids will get bullied and everyone will think it’s their nan.

@IceFrost

So anyone a bit different to the 30-something yummy mummy shouldn't have children? Where do you stand with disabled mums, they'll be talked about by other kids.

Luckily kids aren't as judgmental as adults, don't count on kids being bullies

Stop talking absolute shit. Where did I say anything about Only 30-something yummy mummies should have babies.

But there is having a baby in your 20s, 30s and early 40s and then there is being bloody 50 and having to use donor eggs because your own body isn’t producing any anymore as you are to old! Utterly selfish and self indulgent.

What a stupidly selfish thing to do at 50. There's a reason why nature decides you can't have babies at that age.

Actually people do conceive naturally at 50. If she hasnt gone through menopause pregnancy is fully possible. My own dm didnt go through menopause until 55 so had plenty of time for more.

i thinik its selfish i dont care if its judgey she didnt think she wo9uld get prgnant

was it a bet or something shed sounds immature

When my daughter started school I was 34 and the youngest mum!

Good luck to her, only practical advice from a single mum is it was a few years before someone made me a cup of tea, so little things like that, maybe buy her a few practical gifts such as a thermo coffee mug. Def practical help I didn’t eat well to start with as I was so tired.

There is zero time to catch up with yourself with twins in the early days! I’d suggest she sticks up with dinners in the freezer, healthy snacks to graze on and enough sets of bedding and clothes to buy a bit more time between laundry loads. Practice putting the buggy up and in/out of the car including the rain cover (not speaking from painful experience honest!) before they arrive and 100% find and join her local twins club... and go before the babies come! They will understand! She may find (like I did) a lot of the mums are older.
If she’s breastfeeding I’d get a bf counsellor in early... it can be extra confusing with 2 as they can latch on/feed differently. If she’s bottle feeding her some ready made formula for when they’re both screaming and she’s on her last nerve!
You sound like a lovely friend... I’m sure she will just appreciate your time and company

@GlummyMcGlummerson

Those who think it's selfish because she'll die younger - should terminally ill women not have babies? Or those with medical conditions that limit life spans?

I think it must be a factor when they decide though - mustn’t it. I wouldn’t have a baby knowing it would be motherless when it was very young.

Maybe that is selfish - but I couldn’t imagine a young child of mine in the world without me there to give it the best life possible.

Losing a mum (or dad) at a young age is scaring. I assume most people with a terminal or life limiting illness will think long and hard about this one.

I’m 39 with an almost teenager and an 8 year old. So helping a friend last week and was playing with her get 2.5 year old with his jigsaw.

10 mins later I could hardly get up. My knees were done in! I’m not as subtle as I was at 27 when I had DC1.

My bmi is 21 so I’m not over weight in the slightest. In ten years time I’d dread to think the nick I’d be in, with two babies..... did that!!

Your pal is going to struggle

@Shaniac

What a stupidly selfish thing to do at 50. There's a reason why nature decides you can't have babies at that age.

Actually people do conceive naturally at 50. If she hasnt gone through menopause pregnancy is fully possible. My own dm didnt go through menopause until 55 so had plenty of time for more.

Just because she had periods til 55 doesn’t mean she would of actually got pregnant.

She's got a tough time ahead, dont envy her, but wish her luck

sod that

Op you sound a lovely friend. Ask if she has someone as a birth partner. Help her sort out her hospital bag. Help buy her some baby clothes and toys as a present if you can afford it. Cook her meals whilst she heals after the birth and offer to clean her house during that time.

@GabsAlot was it a bet? Mmm doesn’t sound such a mature theory you have.

@SameToo

Night nanny and a post birth doula

Also, this seems extreme unless she has real difficulties. My DH was working and not very hands on when they were tiny, so like many Mums, especially those who BF, I did most of the baby stuff, the night feeds (and the day, except when he was home from work and helped) - it's only for a couple of months when you really feel like a zombie.....

My aunt came to stay for a week and we had a lot of fun, it was nice to have company. Not sure I'd have wanted or needed a nanny though and as for a doula - how very Mumsnet.........!!

should terminally ill women not have babies?

Obviously not. Why would you bring a child into the world knowing it’s going to grow up motherless? It would be the height of lunacy.

@Temporary1234

Families come in different forms..

Are we using fertility now to police women too ??

Before 30 we judge

After 40 we judge

In between 30 and 40, she needs to find a man, settle, succeed in her career, breed.. and then breed again so the family isn’t too small..

That’s an aweful lots of prescriptive living.. and don’t you dare be an outlier to those made up rules ..

Because god forbid? Your child might be bullied ?!!

I’d much rather my child gets bullied about how old I look.. than other things.

I say this as a young mother who had a very young mother

Exacrlt this...x

She needs to take it easy. Feet up, lots

Stop talking absolute shit. Where did I say anything about Only 30-something yummy mummies should have babies

You are the one horrified at the thought of an older woman at the school gate which leads me to believe only a certain type of mum is acceptable.

But there is having a baby in your 20s, 30s and early 40s and then there is being bloody 50 and having to use donor eggs because your own body isn’t producing any anymore as you are to old! Utterly selfish and self indulgent.

Why?
Plenty of years left in her to raise her children. If she's healthy, financially secure, independent and willing to give a happy home what does a younger woman have that she doesn't?

@Shaniac

What a stupidly selfish thing to do at 50. There's a reason why nature decides you can't have babies at that age.

Actually people do conceive naturally at 50. If she hasnt gone through menopause pregnancy is fully possible. My own dm didnt go through menopause until 55 so had plenty of time for more.

I think it or too old too. But my gran had an oops baby that she though was the menopause not much younger than this. In the 1940s.

There is a grater chance the lady will experience poor health during their childhood and they won’t had a mum for as long as they deserve. Its not a choice I would make.

But it’s done now - this lady needs support

I am really disappointed at some of he mean and narrow minded views on this thread .