To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

@caringcarer

Which country implants 2 embryos into a 50 year old? It is madness. If she had to do it she should have stuck to 1 embryo. She will be constantly exhausted. She could die before they are at university. What ever will happen to them then?

She could die at any time, she most likely will not die before they are at university. It's possible though, as is is possible that any parent will. I have known some heartbreakingly tragic cases among younger parents too.

Whatever happens though, it will surely be better for the children to have each other? I don't get the hysteria about that personally, sure it will make the first few years more of a practical challenge but nothing that can't be handled.

Well, statistically speaking When compared against other younger parents she is Of course more likely to die before the babies reach university . The older we get he more likely we are to die.

The cases of people dying in their thirties are heartbreaking, and they are rare.

Old study, but 1 in 2488 chance of woman dying in the 25-34 age bracket rising to 1 in 178 when women reaches 55-74.

Probabilities still low, but significantly increasing with age.

So while it is highly likely she will live until the children are out of their teens, The chances of her not surviving this period are notably higher than for younger parents.

I am sure this lady has weighted all this up and made an informed decision. Pretending 50 year olds can expect the same healthy life expectancy as a 30 year old would be a insane.

Those who say this thread is outing should go to Hampstead Heath on a weekend theres literally loads of women in their fifties pushing prams. Its not that unusual in affluent areas.

I am really shocked at some of the nasty and judgemental posts on here, and feel so sad that so many feel this way. Some posts were truly horrible.

I totally understand why the OP's friend is shocked. After (in my case) decades of infertility treatment you go through the motions but having faced that negative test again and again and again, it seems impossible that it can ever work. I understand.

OP, a huge congratulations to your friend, and congratulations to you for being such a great friend to her! Wonderful and exciting news, I so hope everything goes well for her!

Oh es, I absolutely agree @Ideasplease322, assuming average health, a 50 year old is significantly more likely to die In the next 2O years than a 30 year old. It's just the horror with which people say she could die as if it is highly likely while younger parents are magically protected. In fact it is as you say...while she has a higher chance of dying in that time than a younger parent, it is still unlikely in both age groups, and possible in either.

Yes, not es!

@Inkpaperstars

Oh es, I absolutely agree *@Ideasplease322*, assuming average health, a 50 year old is significantly more likely to die In the next 2O years than a 30 year old. It's just the horror with which people say she could die as if it is highly likely while younger parents are magically protected. In fact it is as you say...while she has a higher chance of dying in that time than a younger parent, it is still unlikely in both age groups, and possible in either.

I am with you, she is absolutely more than likely to see them through university and beyond.

I just react to some of the comments saying younger parents can die too or anybody can die at any age. People need to look at the evidence.

I honestly wish this Lady Luck, the comments bashing her for hiring a nanny and being ridiculed at the school gates are nasty and ridiculous.

I think a lot of people would hire a nanny to help with twins if they could easily afford it. I know I would 😊

This thread has been a horribly depressing read. So many nasty, judgemental comments from women who are frothing at the mouth with the excitement of tearing this woman down. Its pathetic and actually quite sickening.

I particularly object to the comments about her being an embarrassment to her children at the school gate, and her age encouraging bullies. I was embarrassed by my Dad at the school gate, and I got bullied very badly because of him. He's Vietnamese and he talked like it, too. He smelled of Asian food and shouted at me from the car in Vietnamese. I was given Asian food to eat at lunchtime. I got the crap beaten out of me for it. I was called so many names. It was awful. I had to change school twice because the racism was so bad. So I suppose we should conclude there that the problem was my foreign Dad? That Vietnamese people shouldn't have children in predominantly white countries? Is that right?

I'm absolutely disgusted by some of the comments I've read here. It's the first time I can say that I'm shocked by Mumsnet. A lot of users have really shown their true colours on here. She's a financially stable 50 year old woman who has decided to have children. Leave her the fuck alone, for God's sake.

So many nasty, judgemental comments from women who are frothing at the mouth with the excitement of tearing this woman down.

I agree. Nasty misogynistic comments.

@BangersAndMush I'm so sorry for what you went through

And I totally agree with what you wrote.
The nasty comments are shocking and eye opening. Women who wanted children, finally gets pregnant. Congratulations to her and I hope she is very happy.

Sending lots of love and goodwill to you, your friend, and her babies-in-waiting OP. Huge congratulations. I think it's wonderful she's got such a lovely friend in you.

Some of the comments on this thread made me cry . That so many women could say such unkind things about another woman. I had to stop reading them, so haven't read the entire thread. So forgive me if I'm repeating some other posts.

As you can see from the attached link - having babies over 50 is nothing new -

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pregnancy_over_age_50

As a PP said, most of us would have older mothers in our family tree. From the pre-contraceptive days. I wonder if it'll become more common again due to longer living, and impossibly high housing costs etc. Most people would ideally want to have children in their 20s & 30s. But life often isn't ideal. Stuff happens and doesn't happen, and it's (life that is) rarely neatly packaged.

There are wonderful younger mothers, and wonderful older mothers. Also, not-so-wonderful versions of both; and an entire range in between. I think age is secondary to many other factors. We all age at such different rates too.

BangersAndMush to second Mebeline, I'm also so sorry to hear of your awful experience at school. I was very badly bullied for part of my education too, for different reasons. I think it's left me extra sensitive to seeing others picked on. I can't bear it, hence my reaction to some of the comments on this thread.

Take care OP. I think a wonderful, exciting adventure, with two happy, healthy babies awaits!

Some awful judgemental comments on here, and quite ill informed. The odds of IVF/ICSI working are very low, especially in older women and it’s not uncommon to transfer 2 embryos with the hope one takes. I had two cycles and two good embryos transferred on each on cycles in my 30s and only had one baby. It is a far more likely outcome that neither embryo would have taken.

Of course multiples are a risk but it’s still a small risk and no-one expects multiples. I have found out recently I’m expecting twins naturally, it’s a huge shock and not what I expected, given my fertility history! I guess your friend feels the same.

Right now the support I need is someone to listen to my concerns, and understand what a daunting prospect it is, not just breezily say, “oh, it’ll be fine!” Ideas for practical help are appreciated, and it helps to talk to other expectant twin mums online. There’s a lot of extra worries with the pregnancy, hormones, effect on mum, worrying about not one but two babies. It’s different to a singleton pregnancy.

I’m not as far in on as your friend but from DD’s early days the support I would have appreciated was someone to pop over and maybe bring a healthy sandwich or salad I could eat with one hand when nap trapped. Snacks are easy but you can’t always get time to make proper food. Maybe if they made me a cup of tea and offered to watch the babies whilst I had a shower or closed my eyes for 5 minutes that would be helpful. A bit further down the line having an extra pair of hands to help get out of the house for a walk sounds good.

When I had DD people came round, most expected a cup of tea making, bought loads of stuff for her that we had to sort out, snip labels off etc and it was an extra pressure when time was short. A friend bought me a nice shower gel and I appreciated that so much! My mum went to the supermarket to get essentials like sleepsuits and vests. Definitely ask her if she needs anything before popping over, it’s a great help.

Good luck to your friend, she’s lucky to have you looking out for her. There’s some supportive threads on the multiple boards if you want to direct her there.

What a disgusting thread (and on a parenting forum).

‘By parents for parents’ - like fuck

I suggest that someone at @MNHQ goes through the thread and deletes all misogynistic pointlessly nasty messages so that the OP is left with the support she deserves, and the OP’s friend won’t stumble across this and be upset.

To the people on here saying it must be rare. Nah. It even happened in my grans day (who lives to 90) they used to call it a “whoopsie baby”

Oh and to all the ripple saying about dying. We all die mate. I’ve had more friends die in their 20s than the other decades so far. When you’re a parent, at any age, you have to have plans in place for if that happens

and to everyone who says at 50 you can’t cope with newborn twins well F Off quite frankly. I’m that age and I could. I’m fitter now than I was at 35. Healthier. I could do a football squad

I think, particularly given some of the responses on here, that one of the main things you can do to helpyour friend is to make it abundantly clear that you are going to support and not judge her (I am sure you have already done this!), and continue to do this robustly. Be a safe place where she can offload her worries - maybe these will be about her personal circumstances, but also general worries about parenting that we all have. Build her up. It sounds like she is very lucky to have a friend like you. And I think a live in nanny is an excellent idea!

She wanted babies. She's getting two. She can afford a live in nanny. Has plenty of cash. What's the problem? The money is key here as it buys her help.

You should be telling her not to stress, be happy, get excited about the babies and see it as an amazing blessing.

Nothing to be sad or worried about, IMO.

@Muchadoaboutlife

and to everyone who says at 50 you can’t cope with newborn twins well F Off quite frankly. I’m that age and I could. I’m fitter now than I was at 35. Healthier. I could do a football squad

This.

Yes totally F off all of you bleating that 50 is too old. Go and get your bloody coffins measured if you like, but don't drag others down who are being positive and not letting that so called milestone define them as being past it.

Look at the 50-plus dads sweating as they jog with fancy running-pushchairs in front of them, walking out with Baby for the Sunday papers, pandering to their 30-something replacement wives - they seem to manage.

Of course she can do it and will be fine. With a live-in nanny there's zero issue. You should be telling her to be HAPPY!

All she needs is a young husband to complete the joy.

Yes totally F off all of you bleating that 50 is too old. Go and get your bloody coffins measured if you like, but don't drag others down who are being positive and not letting that so called milestone define them as being past it

You’re just not getting this, are you? You can be as positive as you like but it doesn’t stop your body ageing. It’s not about being defined by your age, it’s about the reality of what happens when your body turns traitor. Why do you think menopause exists? It’s to prevent women becoming mothers when their body’s no longer up to the job.

It’s becoming increasingly fashionable to deny the effects of age and pretend we’ve discovered the elixir of eternal youth and pretend we’re immortal but biology hasn’t got the memo.

Look at the 50-plus dads sweating as they jog with fancy running-pushchairs in front of them, walking out with Baby for the Sunday papers, pandering to their 30-something replacement wives - they seem to manage.

Pandering to their replacement wives? So all younger women married to older men are a 'replacement' for the original wife? Not projecting there are you?

There's no need to slag off the younger mums to stand up for older ones.

You’re just not getting this, are you? You can be as positive as you like but it doesn’t stop your body ageing. It’s not about being defined by your age, it’s about the reality of what happens when your body turns traitor. Why do you think menopause exists? It’s to prevent women becoming mothers when their body’s no longer up to the job.

It's about probability again isn't it. Your body can turn traitor at any age as I know only too well. It's more likely as you age, but at 50 also possible that many healthy and capable years lie ahead. I wouldn't say that someone with physical challenges shouldn't have a child if they can arrange practical help. If anyone wants the certainty of survival and physical health for two or three decades after childbearing, they are dreaming no matter how old or young.

I am not in denial about the ageing process (much) just saying that poor health often complicates life plans, some people are more able at 50 than they were at 25.

Also, people are not just talking about the future. Many on this thread have talked about what they would feel up to right now or at a specific age. Some had said they would not feel up to it at 50, at that exact moment not just going forward....fair enough, but also fair enough for others to say they don't feel that way. Others have said they felt too old to have another at 30, again fair enough.

@whatisgoingtohappen

So many nasty, judgemental comments from women who are frothing at the mouth with the excitement of tearing this woman down.

I agree. Nasty misogynistic comments.

I don’t hate women. That’s a ridiculous thing to imply just because someone doesn’t agree with a 50 year old getting pregnant! She couldn’t get pregnant naturally as her body is to old, there is a reason for that.

I don’t agree with 50 year old men having kids at that age either so it’s not hatred for women ffs.

The OP didn’t ask for people to disagree with her friend’s choice, she asked for suggestions as to how she can support her.

I am not singling anyone’s comments out in particular, but many comments have been very negative and rude, and I would argue ageist as well as misogynistic yes.

This lady finds herself in this situation and the least other women can do is offer (verbal in this case) support. What is the point of coming to this thread to criticise and judge? She’s pregnant in any case so it’s not going to change anything.