To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

Btw I fed both together with bottles propped up on blankets until they could hold them. Again - they say you shouldn't, but if you are sitting right next to them and can help if they choke or something, I can't see why that isn't as safe as hand feeding a single baby.

Tell her to hire a nanny. I have 2 year old twins and I'm about to turn 40. Its bloody exhausting doing it alone

Are we using fertility now to police women too ??

Haven't we always

I have a friend whose second child (just become an adult) was born when she was 48. Older child was 16 at the time - they'd assumed nothing more was going to happen

Friend seems fine - the father has had health issues, but 30-year-olds can get cancer or be in a crash. Pretty sure none of the child's friends cared who was picking him up or coming to concerts.

Sorry, but what the hell was she thinking of?!

And why didn’t she expect it to work? If she didn’t want to be pregnant then why on earth did she do it? I don’t have much sympathy to be honest.

There’s not a lot anyone can do to help her. She just best ask the NHS for an elective caesarean, book in as much help as she can afford, stock the freezer full of meals and ask friends for parenting advice.

You best hope she’s financially solvent and has a decent pension, because there’ll be no time for her to save money after the twins have grown up.

What an unbelievably selfish and stupid thing to do.

What @GlummyMcGlummerson said OP ... that’s how you help her .
Hope all goes well . Lovely news .

@Dashel

Could you help decorate and prepare a nursery and assemble the furniture for it when she is further along and lockdown is hopefully lifted?

I guess it depends on how much you want to help, regular babysitting would possibly be appreciated

That's a lovely idea

My grandmother got pregnant with my uncle naturally at that age. While its at the higher end keep reassuring your friend that being a mum at 50 is still within the realms of normal - she’ll need all the reassurance she can get. I would also ask her, gently, to think about who she wants to care for the babies if anything happened to her in the birth - even if it’s just temporary. Nannies are all well and good but need supervision if she’s incapicated.

@Flamingo1980

It’s a shock because she didn’t dare to believe she would be lucky enough to even get pregnant. Let alone with two. And then get to 18 weeks. So she’s in shock and disbelief that she got this far. Not shock as in “oh how did this happen when I actively made it happen” type thing. She’s just trying to wrap her head around it and I’m trying to help her hence writing on here.

I too am sympathetic as have a friend for whom the same happened. Eggs were hers but had been frozen for nine years - at 45 it was now or never! Her partner died just the eggs were frozen and she froze them because she knew she desperately wanted kids but was in no place to go it alone, being so recently bereaved. Success rates are low with IVF from frozen eggs and to end up with healthy twins from was totally unexpected. People can't help but to judge, especially as she's had to give up her job to take care of both of them so is surviving on benefits, but she's so happy (after so much sadness in her life) and is a wonderful mum so how can I say she's irresponsible and shouldn't have done it? It's not been easy though, with little family support (parents dead, siblings abroad) and all through Covid. Your friend is going to need a lot of love and help.

@bumpyknuckles

Unlike the views of many on MN, I don't subscribe to the belief that everyone over 45 is decrepit. I imagine that a healthy 50 year old who has looked after themselves will have just as good a pregnancy as a smoking, alcoholic, morbidly obese 25 year old. Age isn't everything.

Yes exactly!!

If being 50 is the only risk factor then I hope people judge overweight mother as much as they seem to be judging older mothers.

Perhaps the worst comment is the one about the alleged trauma of standing at the school gates. What kind of judgmental fuckery is this?

This thread really does scream: middle aged women - make yourselves invisible.

She'll be fine. My gg grandmother married at 40. She had seven children, all alive and well with the last one being born when she was 50. She lived to 97.

Well, OP, try to help her focus on the positive, a successful IVF at that age is unusual and she may need to be reminded she's achieved what she wanted. Twins aren't babies for long. Regarding IVF, it is routine for two implants and she will have hopefully had the explanation when she consented. The odds of two with both successfully taking are low at her age. If abroad, I'm surprised they stopped at two to be honest and she's not looking at trips.

@BackforGood

I certainly wouldn't think it was lovely news, and I wouldn't be going out of my way to do something to help
So you'd punish your friend through refusal to be a good friend because you deem her too old to do something. You sound lovely

My grandmother had her last child at 48. Last of 5 and the only boy, and she raised him mostly on her own whilst running a business as my grandfather died a few years later. Back then before birth control, women did still have children up to late 40s and beyond.

This. Check your family trees! Most of the judgy people on here probably wouldn't exist if someone somewhere along the line hadn't had their ancestor at an age they would now criticise.

People forget that although you are much less likely to get pregnant at that age, in a world without effective contraception and family planning it happens. I have many ancestors who basically just had children throughout their marriages. One got married at 30, and had 18 kids. those family trees tell you a lot about fertility because in most cases the gaps between the children get longer as they get past a certain age but they still happen. Admittedly not sure about at 50, but certainly common in forties.

@Therealjudgejudy

My mum was a grandmother to a ten year old at the age of 50...

And my fantasist mum had me at 44..what's your point?? Stupid judgemental comment.

@Trixie18

I had twins via IVF (although 10 years earlier than your friend). I too was surprised both eggs took, honestly it's a bigger shock than you would expect as they only usually implant more than one egg in cases where chances of success are extremely low. I have a partner and it's been the hardest thing I've ever done so my advice is definitely get the nanny. She'll work it out, it's worth it, being a twin mummy is honestly the best. Double the work but double the love. My friends stocked my freezer with hone cooked meals I just had to put through the microwave. Something that may help (Covid permitting), offer to go out with her and the babies. Even if it's just a walk around a nearby park. Leaving the house with twins, by yourself is practically impossible, it takes ages, you always have to leave one child unattended for a while etc etc. It can take an hour between starting to get ready to go and getting to the end of your drive and you're exhausted. In the first 6 months I barely left the house with the twins unless DH was with me so this could be an area you could help. Very exciting 😀 xx

And this! Actually I found bathing the hardest thing, once they got mobile. A friend like you who is just there for walks, chats, help now and again, will probably be a godsend.

Another PP said twins are great because they amuse each other - that also is so true! Maybe not so obvious for the first year or so but more so as they grow - and It's fantastic for 3/4/5/6 year olds not to have to spend your life role playing CBeebies characters.....

Congratulations to her. I work in child protection and believe me it's better to be born to a loving 50 year old than the younger mums I come across.

[quote RedMarauder]@Amammi she won't "may" have a C-section in my area if you are a mother over 45, who hasn't had a child in the last 10 years or high risk for other reasons, you "have to have" a C-section.[/quote]
You don't have to do anything, women do have a choice

Amazing news. Best wishes to your friend.

People are living longer 68 year olds are pretty youthful and still have 20 to 30 years more left in them so good luck to her. Help wise tell her to sort her finance and childcare asap. She needs a contingency plan in place in case she ever needs to go to hospital or anything.

How amazing, congrats to your friend.

So much judgement going on here. I'll be 50 next year and to be honest I don't feel so over the hill that babies feel an impossibility (though I do have enough kids already). Plenty of get up and go here!

It will be challenging and if she has the means a night nanny in the first weeks will be a huge help, and a nanny going forward if she is doing this alone. And the school gate judgements are ridiculous, families come in all shapes and sizes - I know of more than a few over 50s (of both sexes) in the primary playground.

@Therealjudgejudy

My mum was a grandmother to a ten year old at the age of 50...

That’s not much of an achievement. My great-grandmother was a grandmother to 20 year olds (and a great-gran too) at 50 as well as the mum of a one year old.

Poor kids will get bullied and everyone will think it’s their nan.

@IceFrost

So anyone a bit different to the 30-something yummy mummy shouldn't have children? Where do you stand with disabled mums, they'll be talked about by other kids.

Luckily kids aren't as judgmental as adults, don't count on kids being bullies

@Flamingo1980

It’s a shock because she didn’t dare to believe she would be lucky enough to even get pregnant. Let alone with two. And then get to 18 weeks. So she’s in shock and disbelief that she got this far. Not shock as in “oh how did this happen when I actively made it happen” type thing. She’s just trying to wrap her head around it and I’m trying to help her hence writing on here.

Oh how lovely! You can always tell the 'wanted' kids at the school gates. They are the mums who actually look up from their phone when their child comes out...

@Member869894

Congratulations to her. I work in child protection and believe me it's better to be born to a loving 50 year old than the younger mums I come across.

Yep, and to be blunt when it comes to the school gates, many of these younger mothers look over 50 by the time they are 30..so if your friend is quite well preserved OP I don't think anyone will tell the difference.