To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

I sincerely hope she’s fairly well off. I would buy a freezer and plan to have 50 meals in it by 30 weeks as baby could come any time after that. Ideally really I’d have 4 meals a week from the freezer for the first 4 months! Which is not that much food really as it’s only equivalent to 1 meal a week for a family of 4.

I agree @BryonyG

I think it's really natural for your friend to feel daunted and worried, it would be at any age. It doesn't mean she won't cope, especially as she can afford to hire help which I think is something she should definitely do. Getting the right support in place is key for any single mother of twins!

I think at this stage calm, positive, practical encouragement is the best thing for you to offer.

My friend had twins at 50. They are a lovely happy family. She had a strict routine and always went to bed early.

I also agree with you @BryonyG

Some of these responses are.....um....unhelpful

@Amammi she won't "may" have a C-section in my area if you are a mother over 45, who hasn't had a child in the last 10 years or high risk for other reasons, you "have to have" a C-section.

She should make sure she has very robust life insurance and appoint a guardian for the children in the event of her early death. I hope the pregnancy goes well.

@BryonyG

If people in your friend's life are being as judgemental and unpleasant as the people on this thread then I think what she would appreciate more than practical help is just you being supportive and encouraging.

God there's some really horrible responses on this thread. Presumably from women who have perfect lives and met the right man in their 20s and went on to pop out babies with no effort.

It’s because she’s utterly mad to go and get pregnant with twins at 50! There is a reason she couldn’t get pregnant with her own eggs at 50, it’s because she’s too bloody old! I feel sorry for the twins and they aren’t even born yet! Poor kids will get bullied and everyone will think it’s their nan.

And no I wouldn’t say I have a perfect life either

The fact she is going to have help and is financially secure is massive - so that’s a huge weight off.

What would I have liked? Just adult company, someone who will come round, take the baby, put the kettle on, bring me nice snacks etc - not just come round, coo over a child and sit and expected to be waited on.

I would have liked someone to come and pick baby things with me, practical stuff like the pram and nice bits like maternity clothes. Obvs in covid times bit more difficult.

Just be there, ask her what she needs, stay in touch, ensure that she knows she can call you when it all gets too much.

I have a newborn at 40, I’m fucking knackered but then so was the 20 year old I spoke to this morning with a young baby. You’re knackered and pissed off with life a lot of the time with a baby whatever your age!

Congratulations to her. I imagine they are much wanted and longed for babies. I hope it all goes smoothly!

@RedMarauder

You do not HAVE to have a section at all.
What rubbish.
Do they tie you to a bed or arrest you? Or serve you with a court order.

They may well highly recommend or even apply pressure (as they do to every woman who does not follow their prescribed pregnancy time line) but we are free to decide our own birthing plan. (I’d like to think ppl don’t ignore serious medical advice but it’s a choice none the less)

Unless ive missed a big piece of legality?

Wow! I was tired enough having my twins at 28!

If she can afford the nanny, then 100% yes that's what to do, mind are 17 now and babyhood is a dark distant memory but I would say take every offer of help, because it's going to be bloody knackering!

I hope she's secure financially, fighting fit and has a good support network as without being too pessimistic she needs to plan for if anything happens to her (although this applies to any parent, especially a single one!)

I’m Shocked at the responses here...

I don’t see the problem of someone putting their kids through university at the prime age of 68... that’s not the end of the world

Oh wow!

I think the idea of a live in nanny is a good idea and perhaps a night nurse / nanny at first?

Let's face it, if she's got money to throw at it then it will make the practicalities a hell of a lot easier.

As she's single she may want to consider a doula for support in pregnancy / childbirth.

I wouldn't personally have chosen to do this at 50, but actually saying there is a reason she couldn't have done this naturally is not that relevant. Women do conceive naturally when not that much younger, In my family unexpected pregnancies have occurred spontaneously as late as 47. Births are rising fastest in over 40s now. If OP's friend looks younger rather than older for her age she won't look that different to many other mothers, quite a few of whom look years older than they are.

My mum was a grandmother to a ten year old at the age of 50...

@theThreeofWeevils

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

The woman must be mad.

This. Fertility declines for a reason.

I hope A&Es around the country aren't too busy tonight, as there are going to be some horrible judgy pants injuries if this thread goes on much longer.

@GlummyMcGlummerson

FFS some of you lot are right judgmental pricks.

That's lovely news.

My advice: be there for her. No judgement. Offer support especially when the babies are born. Take round meals (COVID permitting), offer to take the babies for a walk in the pram while she showers, show up, listen. Really all that makes for an amazing friend.

Yes, this is the kindest thing. My partner was 50 when we had our first. Not twins and obviously I was about too but he stepped up.

@EKGEMS

I think she needs to try to get her babies on a predictable schedule as soon as she practically can-I'm an identical twin and my older brother is only 21 months older so my mom said that was what really helped in those really difficult days with three under three. I'm 47 and I think I'd drop from fright if I found myself expecting at that age! She's hardly whistler's mother though!

This a million times! I had donor egg twins at 44 and it was the best thing ever! But I do have a DH and stable home, finances etc.

Agree they often come early - warn her to be prepared. I was given a surprise CS at 33.5 weeks because they thought one twin 'would do better out than in' but in fact they had the weights miles out and I'm not sure it was necessary. But I was still working - massive panic.....

Being early they spent three weeks in NICU. Best prep ever! They came out on regular 4 week feeds and I was advised to stick to that come what may, or I would spend my life feeding. This was amazing advice - I even used a dummy for the first few weeks to keep the bigger twin happy until the the next feed was due (I swore I never would - but needs must.....).

I expressed while they were in so they had the colostrum etc, but they never took to the breast as they were too small and it was harder than bottle feeding, for them. But with hindsight - thank god! If your friend is single I don't think she'd be able to feed them herself - you can do the double rugby ball hold but need someone with you to hand the second one over and assist if one chokes etc. The sooner she accepts that she'll need to bottle feed the easier that side of things will be.

Mine came out used to room temperature feeds, so I never heated their milk beyond that. I made up 12 bottles every evening and put them in the fridge - the nurses told me to ignore the SMA advice to make each one fresh. If one cried at night (for no reason) I put them in a Moses basket in the spare room so they didn't wake the other. Routine and firmness is key with two, although I'm sure some babies are trickier than others.

She'll be fine! She will be the oldest Mum at the school gates, and obviously there are issues about being older later on, as PPs have said. Also if she needs to work that's a whole other issue and I'm lucky enough not to have been in that situation, so can't comment. But it's too late to change her mind - and it will be so worth it!

I met DH later in life hence the late start - if it had been later still or I had stayed single, I would have done the same as your friend! Wish her luck from me!

Yeah if she can afford It and can afford live in help then don’t see the issue at all tbh!

The pregnancy will be hard I’m sure! But I don’t get why people are so judgmental about it

I expect that she's (understandably) freaking out about twins.

Just be there for her to talk to about her fears, but don't reply with the some of the responses on this thread (unnecessary and unkind). Give supportive and practical advice.

Not exactly the same but..my mum had me at 46 and my brother at 44, completely naturally (no ivf in those days!) and she didn't have any support. I think she'll be fine, although completely knackered and far too busy to ever see you! To be honest, although twins can be obviously exhausting, my friend has twins and says it is fine because they play and entertain each other as they get older (whereas one on their own, you have to be their playmate), so it might actually be easier for her having the 2 (in the longer term).
I'm sure that as long as she has loads of love, patience and prosecco, she'll be fine. One tip from my friend though - make sure they sleep together ina cot at first x

Families come in different forms..

Are we using fertility now to police women too ??

Before 30 we judge

After 40 we judge

In between 30 and 40, she needs to find a man, settle, succeed in her career, breed.. and then breed again so the family isn’t too small..

That’s an aweful lots of prescriptive living.. and don’t you dare be an outlier to those made up rules ..

Because god forbid? Your child might be bullied ?!!

I’d much rather my child gets bullied about how old I look.. than other things.

I say this as a young mother who had a very young mother

Fuck me, there's some proper chip-pissers on tonight!

Is it because this woman's a bit older, or because she's single that everyone is so shitty about it?

Would I do what she's done? No. But I have adult DC, I deliberately had them in my 20s because my mum died in her early 50s. If I'd not had kids young(ish), if I'd worked, not met the right person and ended up late 40s, financially secure but alone, I might well have thought about it.

As for not expecting it to succeed, IVF in your 30s isn't always successful, at 50 the odds must be at lot lower. It's quite natural to be pessimistic about it, not to dare to hope it might take. But better to try than spend the next 20-30 years regretting not trying and wondering what might have been.

I would say the best approach for your friend OP is to buy as much help as she can afford. Nanny, cleaner, anything and anyone to make life easier. Batch cooking and freezing as much food as she can now, if she has the room buy a small chest freezer and stack it out with meals she can just chuck in the microwave. And I'm sure any help you and other friends can give her will be most welcome.

My grandmother had her last child at 48. Last of 5 and the only boy, and she raised him mostly on her own whilst running a business as my grandfather died a few years later. Back then before birth control, women did still have children up to late 40s and beyond.