To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

This is what happens when people don't think before doing things. A couple of years into the menopause and you feel like minced shit and totally unable to handle small children. So utterly irresponsible. I have nothing positive to say I really don't.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

should terminally ill women not have babies? Or those with medical conditions that limit life spans?

No, I really don't think someone who is terminally ill should have a child knowing they will die while that child was young . As for life limiting conditions, I suppose it depends on how life limiting it is.

I agree fully.

No, someone that is terminally ill shouldn’t be having a child whilst having the knowledge that they are most likely going to leave them Motherless/fatherless while very very young. Why would you do that to your own child.

You congratulate her as you would any woman finding out she’s pg
Have a google about double buggy (I recommend bugaboo)
She’s having wanted children whom she’ll love,that’s all that needs to be said because she knows what age she is

@Member869894

I am really disappointed at some of he mean and narrow minded views on this thread .

I’m really disappointed that a clinic thought it was a good idea to not have a age limit on donor pregnancies.

Tell her to start looking for an experienced maternity nurse- good ones get booked up quickly so it’s worth getting someone on board at this stage, or a nanny with lots of baby experienced prepared to help at nights

Suggest she look into joining TAMBA/ He NCT and any other support groups

Make sure she has a car big enough to fit a double pushchair and two car seats in. Easier to look now rather than when heavily pregnant.

Buy a tumble drier. Line dried stuff is great but a tumble drier is really handy with babies

Get any jobs done around the house now

Line up a supportive friend to be with her during labour and birth and maybe come to antenatal appointments and scans too. If there isn’t anyone then consider a Doula

That’s off the top of my head, I may think of others!

@TableFlowerss

I’m 39 with an almost teenager and an 8 year old. So helping a friend last week and was playing with her get 2.5 year old with his jigsaw.

10 mins later I could hardly get up. My knees were done in! I’m not as subtle as I was at 27 when I had DC1.

My bmi is 21 so I’m not over weight in the slightest. In ten years time I’d dread to think the nick I’d be in, with two babies..... did that!!

Your pal is going to struggle

My mum had me mid 40s and didn't struggle - happen you need to work out more if you struggle to get up off the floor at 39!!

When my daughter started school I was 34 and the youngest mum!

I'm mid-late 30's and I'm the youngest mum in my 8yo DD's class. One of the mums is 51, she looks 51 and funnily enough me, the other mums and all our children have managed not to faint with horror and her son isn't bullied about it either. In fact people scarcely notice.

Oh...and COOK do some pretty good ready meals so closer to the time I’d fill up the freezer

@Member869894

I am really disappointed at some of he mean and narrow minded views on this thread .

Me too..

Some of the comments on this thread are awful. I'm 47, and I definitely wouldn't want more babies at this age, but if she's fit and healthy and thinks she can manage it, I say good luck to her. Younger parents are not inherently better than older ones, there are so many different variables.

Practical help and moral support sounds like a great way to go, OP. It sounds like you're a good friend.

What is wrong exactly with a 50 year old having babies? There is very chance that she will be healthy and live until they become adults. What's the problem?

Just because she had periods til 55 doesn’t mean she would of actually got pregnant.

Very true but also not impossible either. Theres quiet a few stories of women thinking they are going through menopause in their early 50s to find out they are actually pregnant. Its not unheard of.

@NilesandDaphne why on earth would a 55 year old mum stick out like a sore thumb? What kind of judgemental place do you live or do you mean that all the other mums are 21.
What a really mean spirited thing to say and I do wonder if your comment is more about what you would think.
Thankfully I live in and my dc go to school in an area where the age of a parent doesn’t matter at all. Let me know if you want some relocation advice

MN is so funny, only on MN World would people think that being 50 means being on your last legs and unable to handle small children

I wonder how many of you judgey fuckers palm off your kids into your own parents for childcare - bet you don't cry about "50 is way too old" then, do you?

Tell her congratulations. She's 50 not 90. She'll be fine.

I think it's good that they implanted two and it is twins. It will make the early years harder but then the children will have each other too. I am not sure about success rates for implantation being lower at her age, I think it is all down to the age of the donor. Apparently a women can successfully carry a child at really advanced ages, it is all down to the donor age.

A pp mentions her knees being shot after 10 minutes at 39, not being as nimble as at 27. That is a valid point for many people but not everyone's life goes the same. When I was 26 my knees were shot and I was In a wheelchair having become unable to walk literally overnight, I recovered but struggled with inflammatory joint disease from them on. I am more mobile now than 10 or 15 years ago when I couldn't have looked after a child at all. So life plans have to alter sadly. But older does not necessarily mean less physically capable than younger, that is the norm but still not always the case.

You are the one horrified at the thought of an older woman at the school gate which leads me to believe only a certain type of mum is acceptable

Oh well.. your assumption is wrong.

Why?
Plenty of years left in her to raise her children. If she's healthy, financially secure, independent and willing to give a happy home what does a younger woman have that she doesn't?

She doesn’t have lots of time though does she. She’s 50. Not 20/30.
They aren’t even born and shes already having to look at the possibility of buying in paid help to raise her children as she will be too knackered as she’s to old to do it herself.

I hope she has a shed load of money so the twins don’t end up having to wipe her ass and Care for her in their 20s when they should be living life.

Why and earth would you. X

As a mother of twins I would have loved a nanny! Overnight if possible.

Color colder bottles were a god send as you could see which child had what feed, especially at night if partner had fed one you knew if it was wind or food.

Cut corners where possible, they sleep better together as it’s what they are used to.

I’ve just seen a new teddy that is connected to your phone that will shhhh baby back to sleep playing a heart beat or white noise, could come in handy although my sister uses Alexa for similar!

Take any chance of free childcare.

Help with housework where you can or provide a meal or meal voucher for a takeaway - never go round empty handed, take cake and chocolate or fresh bread and snacks.

Whats really gross here is women who have children acting shocked that someone else would want to experience motherhood for themselves and mentioning how wrong it is when average life expectancy suggests the mother in question will still be very much alive well into that childs adulthood.

For crying out loud, she's 50 not 80. She's not any more likely to die while the twins are still children than a younger mother!

Also some huge assumptions being made that donor embryos were used because she's too old to use her own eggs. None of us know the full story, could be any number of reasons including personal choice.

Lastly, the OP asked for suggestions on how to support her friend, not for a debate on whether her friend has made a good decision. That is nobody's business but her own.

Honestly I do think this is irresponsible. My mother died at 74, with dementia. That was hard to cope with in my forties, had I been in my twenties it would have been impossible.

In terms of practical support though I think as much company and companionship as you can offer. It is worrying being a new parent and having someone just to chat to about the little things will really help

Fuckinpriceless ⬇️
I wonder how many of you judgey fuckers palm off your kids into your own parents for childcare - bet you don't cry about "50 is way too old" then,do you?
Eh, no siree, when they’re getting a freebie from the folks it’s yes please

Oh well.. your assumption is wrong.

Well it's not, is it, because you were the one who commented that people will think she's their nan.

She doesn’t have lots of time though does she. She’s 50. Not 20/30

She'll likely live until her children are 40, maybe 50.

They aren’t even born and shes already having to look at the possibility of buying in paid help to raise her children as she will be too knackered as she’s to old to do it herself

I got the impression that's because she's a single mum having twins, not because she's sooooooo OLD!!! Some much younger mums have commented here that they'd have loved a nanny.

You seem to be labouring under the rather narrow minded misapprehension that young mum = bag of energy and older mum = so knackered she'll just go "poof"

I hope she has a shed load of money so the twins don’t end up having to wipe her ass and Care for her in their 20s when they should be living life

But wiping her arse at say, 40 or 50, when they're likely raising a family themselves, would be fine.

Can anyone answer me this: why is ageism on MN so widely accepted? Why, when someone mentions a middle aged woman doing anything with her life other than knitting, gardening and being invisible, do people practically vomit? Anyone?

Some of the poster’s on this thread are horrible - you miserable sods. OP has asked for advice on how she can help her friend not for judgements on whether she should be pregnant at her age or not.