To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

@bumpyknuckles

Blimey, some of this is a bit harsh! Would you be saying this about a man who was going to become a dad at 50?

I imagine she'll have the same difficulties as any first time single mum of twins, and she'll need the same practical support from her friends and family.

Yes but a 50yo man doesn’t have to go through the process of carrying and birthing the children! Having a baby (or two!) takes a massive toll on the body and it’s not unfair to say that even an average 50yo is going to find it a lot tougher than an average, say, 30yo.

Would you be saying this about a man who was going to become a dad at 50?

Can men of 50, or any other age, conceive by themselves and experience high risk pregnancy and delivery of donor egg twins?

It’s a shock because she didn’t dare to believe she would be lucky enough to even get pregnant. Let alone with two. And then get to 18 weeks. So she’s in shock and disbelief that she got this far. Not shock as in “oh how did this happen when I actively made it happen” type thing. She’s just trying to wrap her head around it and I’m trying to help her hence writing on here.

How exciting for her! I'd just suggest that she looks at every way to ease life as much as possible. Any help she can afford, robot hoovers and lawnmowers, any other gadgets that reduce workload. Having a really good diet and keeping to a really good diet even when she's feeling rough and craving endless junk food due to fatigue - maybe someone/a company providing healthy meals direct for a while. Online shopping and amazon for essentials. Buying in bulk so boring things like shampoo, bleach, tins etc only need to be thought about every few months.

Twins generally come early so encourage her to get organised now as they could be here within 10 weeks. Cribs, nappies, baby clothes car seats etc are all purchases to be made and organised ASAP so that she’s not trying to do everything at the last minute. She may have a C section - what’s her plan for afterwards at home if this happens for her and has she soft comfy clothing for herself to wear. She won’t be able to drive so needs to be able to organise food deliveries. Breastfeeding twins is hard but possible - has she any decision made re this?
She should wash and fold away every stitch of laundry now while she can. Best of luck to her. 50 nowadays is what 40 was years ago - many women had babies at 40 when families were larger and they got through it.

Just because you can doesn't mean you should.

The woman must be mad.

I have had my children in early 40s I always remember my midwife saying more and more women have their children in their 50s and she didn't think it was such a big deal.

You sound like a lovely friend I am sure you will help loads.

Wow. My mum became a grandma at 51.

Ah great practical advice there peacocking thank you 😊. Love the idea of a robot hoover...

Unlike the views of many on MN, I don't subscribe to the belief that everyone over 45 is decrepit. I imagine that a healthy 50 year old who has looked after themselves will have just as good a pregnancy as a smoking, alcoholic, morbidly obese 25 year old. Age isn't everything.

That isn't the case. Women having children in their 50 is surely very rare.

I agree with @IceFrost and @newnewnewbuild

This isn't someone whose contraception failed, or who took a chance in a moment of passion and accidentally became pregnant - this is someone who specifically went to a lot of effort and probably expense to make this happen.
I certainly wouldn't think it was lovely news, and I wouldn't be going out of my way to do something to help.

I'd say ignore all the judgemental posts a no be delighted for your friend.

Wow. I'd suggest looking at a sling, for one or both of them. A good gist might be an hour with a babywearing consultant who has experience of twins.

*gift

She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock

So she paid for this procedure but is now shocked that it worked?

Beyond words at the stupidity of some people.

I say good luck to her, she obviously thought it all through and would have been checked out health wise to make sure she can cope with the pregnancy. It’s not for me to judge, she may have had a lot of bad experiences in her life relationships wise and/or lost pregnancies. There are likely to be reasons why she has chosen to do this later in life.

You sound like a lovely friend and the fact you are asking how you can support her is great. I think just being there is important, keep in contact and be there to listen.

I think she needs to try to get her babies on a predictable schedule as soon as she practically can-I'm an identical twin and my older brother is only 21 months older so my mom said that was what really helped in those really difficult days with three under three. I'm 47 and I think I'd drop from fright if I found myself expecting at that age! She's hardly whistler's mother though!

Night nanny and a post birth doula

I think op means it’s a shock because success at age 50 is low.....

I had two eggs implanted, and I got the shock of my life when I found out at the scan it was twins. I’d utterly convinced myself that two in and if I was really bloody lucky one would stick. I was fully prepared mentally for no success, ended up spiralling into depression during pregnancy and was traumatised by ivf. So whilst it might seem obvious to others two embryos in could equal two babies, when you’re in the thick of it after years of infertility it seems like such a ridiculous long shot it’s not even worth thinking about.

One thing I’d suggest is keeping positive whilst speaking to her. She’ll more than likely be thinking about all the negatives herself, and every single stranger she encounters will pass their negative thoughts on. I had one woman say about how my twins were a double blessing rather than double trouble, I’ll never sleep again blah blah blah.

Twins are bloody hard work, but absolutely amazing

If people in your friend's life are being as judgemental and unpleasant as the people on this thread then I think what she would appreciate more than practical help is just you being supportive and encouraging.

God there's some really horrible responses on this thread. Presumably from women who have perfect lives and met the right man in their 20s and went on to pop out babies with no effort.

Hi OP, I'm a twin mum. Ignoring all the "shock, horror" posts, I'm going to agree that practical help is what's most important. Twins are incredibly hard work. A nanny to help in the day (and ideally the night), and also support through the birth and hospital days (twins are usually early). If you yourself can help with washing/feeding/babysitting then that would be greatly appreciated, I'm sure.

I think her idea of a live in nanny is perfect. You can be a lovely supportive friend, maybe get her little treats if she has live in practical help.

I had twins via IVF (although 10 years earlier than your friend). I too was surprised both eggs took, honestly it's a bigger shock than you would expect as they only usually implant more than one egg in cases where chances of success are extremely low.
I have a partner and it's been the hardest thing I've ever done so my advice is definitely get the nanny. She'll work it out, it's worth it, being a twin mummy is honestly the best. Double the work but double the love. My friends stocked my freezer with hone cooked meals I just had to put through the microwave.
Something that may help (Covid permitting), offer to go out with her and the babies. Even if it's just a walk around a nearby park. Leaving the house with twins, by yourself is practically impossible, it takes ages, you always have to leave one child unattended for a while etc etc. It can take an hour between starting to get ready to go and getting to the end of your drive and you're exhausted. In the first 6 months I barely left the house with the twins unless DH was with me so this could be an area you could help. Very exciting 😀 xx