To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

According to the HFEA one embryo is considered best practice. Three are only transferred very rarely.

www.hfea.gov.uk/treatments/explore-all-treatments/decisions-to-make-about-your-embryos/

@2020iscancelled older mothers under obstetrician care and birthing plans...

I’m sure this woman has thought about her health, age, energy levels beforehand. Twins might have been a surprise, but having IVF treatment isn’t like impulse buying a pair of shoes or popping out for a coffee!
So support her in the same way you’d support any other woman who discovers she’s having twins.

@Yeahnahmum

A single mum of 50 Pregnant with twins.... I dont understand how any clinic agreed to A helping her to get pregnant at that age and B putting TWO embryos back

She had it done abroad, where fertility clinics are not regulated as they are here in the UK.

In the US it is common practice to transfer up to 12 embryos and then carry out selective termination if more of them take than the mother wants. A 65 year old German woman gave birth to quads when she had fertility treatment but refused to undergo selective termination. She had 13 children already.

Well shock aside, is she pleased?
How about a nanny or an au pair?

The very fact that as a 50 yo OP’s friend had both embryos stick is a sign she’s a very healthy woman and probably healthier and will live longer than most of the younger mums posting on this thread
You do realise that these are donor embryos? From a woman probably in her 20s.

She had a very high chance of them sticking if the woman was indeed young. It's the age of the egg that determines mainly the chances of success not the age of the recipient.

I have read lots, but not all the messages.

You meant well asking how you can help, but your poor friend did not ask for anyone's opinion on her decision. She is 18 weeks pregnant, it is a done deal and one I'm sure that she is delighted about (whilst having protected herself by not allowing herself to believe would happen.)

Please ask for this to be deleted, as many have said this is very outing and the poor woman doesn't deserve the judgement of strangers and any journalists wanting an easy story and click bait for the indignant armchair warriors.

She's 50 not 70, she will be fine - you are a good friend, be there to help her get time out for a shower/to eat/a quick sleep. I'm 50 my youngest is 8 I'm not the oldest in the playground! Woman have had babies over 50 in the past, grandparents have brought up grandchildren and people in their 50s and beyond are allowed to foster (and adopt).

So much nonsense written by people who are decades younger but convinced they know what it’s like to be 50, and have no experience of twins. Pretend she’s 35 OP and do what you’d do for any 35 year old friend expecting twins. All the rest of the “insights” seem like stereotypical ageist crap to me.

I know what it’s like to be 50, I most definitely wasn’t up to singlehandedly caring for newborn twins at 50, any more than I’d currently be up to navigating life with 17 year old twins. Trying pretend that you have the same stamina at 50 as at 35 is denying reality.

I’m not trying to pretend I have the same stamina as I had at 35. What I will say was I personally (and I am most definitely NOT superwoman) could look after newborn twins now at 50, though my experience was doing it at 35 with other toddlers. The assumption that I’m unable to do very much now as I am so aged is ludicrous and doesn’t reflect my experience or what I see other fifty year olds doing day to day.

Those who say she is too old

Did you have your kids easily and naturally ?

Maybe op friend tried for years

Mother Nature doesn’t always play ball

I wanted kids and ttc at 32

Didn’t happen. Had unexplained infertility

Took 10yrs and 5 ivf and 7 embroyo Implanted to get my one ever bfp

I gave birth at almost 44. Much older then I wanted to be

I’m now 47 with a 3yr. She is my world

If she gets a live in nanny as planned she won't be caring for them single handedly, she will probably have more help than most mothers who are in a couple. I know it isn't the same type of support, but in practical terms it will be a huge help.

I don't have an issue with the transfer of two because I think it will be an advantage to the dc to have each other.

I’m not sure if all the hate in your brain is killing your brain cells but you cannot become an orphan in your 20’s.

No need to be pedantic - what I mean is they will have no living parents, and you know that's what I meant. Whether they are an 'orphan' according to the dictionary definition is irrelevant.

@Tempusfudgeit

My godmother had triplets in the 80s at 50. Her adult children were great at helping her out, especially when the 20 year old father bailed.

@Tempusfudgeit

I first read that as she had triplets in her 80s. I’d need 3 live-in nannies....and wine.

Many congratulations to her 😊 there's never a perfect time or perfect parents, you just do your best. These babies are clearly going to be extremely loved and wanted.I second what a PP said, prepare for babies to arrive early. Accept any help offered. Batch cook and wash! (My baby is 12 weeks and my house still looks like a tip!) and get ready to enjoy lots of day-time tv on the sofa lol also, a good feeding pillow and sleepy head have come in very useful. Best wishes to your friend :) x

My friend had her second set of twins at 47. Her first set were 17.
She copes and the DC are gorgeous. Wouldn't be for me though.

@cptartapp

My friend had her second set of twins at 47. Her first set were 17. She copes and the DC are gorgeous. Wouldn't be for me though.

That's amazing!!

Seriously the bitter judgey folks - it's a BABY - it's GOOD news!! Not bad news. Stop being massive weirdos.

YY a healthy woman having two healthy, very much wanted babies ! It’s great news.

There’s some hateful comments here that would not be allowed to stand if they were about a black woman or a Jewish woman . But because they are about a middle aged woman and her imaginary disabilities, that’s fine.

All babies aren’t great news. I know you’d expect MN to worship at the altar of motherhood but it’s ludicrous to say this is GOOD news. I wonder if those babies will be agreeing in 20 years’ time.

I dont understand how any clinic agreed to A helping her to get pregnant at that age and B putting TWO embryos back shock

Maybe because they assessed the mother as being healthy and capable.

I'm in my 50s and would be more than happy to welcome twins into the family. I'm definitely fitter than I was in my 30s for a start. Couldn't be bothered with the pregnancy but could easily adopt them!

it’s ludicrous to say this is GOOD news. I wonder if those babies will be agreeing in 20 years’ time.

Of course it's good news.
Those babies wouldn't be alive if OP wasn't having them so I suspect they'll be OK about it.

Op you sound really lovely, don't have practical advice (sorry I know that's what you wanted but anything I could suggest has been covered) but I think reading the comments on here your friend may need quite a lot of emotional support to counteract the negatively others will have towards her. My nan had a baby at almost 49 in the 60's, she always used to say 'it was quite a shock' and did lots with aunt so wasn't too knackered!

I wonder if those babies will be agreeing in 20 years’ time.

Hmm yeah, having an older mum Vs not even existing

Why are people being so judgmental? It may have been her only chance to have children after trying for a long time. It will be very hard work, but if that is what she wants to do, and she doesn't mind the hard work, then what's the problem? And who cares what other mums at the school gates think?!!

Which country implants 2 embryos into a 50 year old? It is madness. If she had to do it she should have stuck to 1 embryo. She will be constantly exhausted. She could die before they are at university. What ever will happen to them then?