To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

the comments on this thread!your the reason they might struggle and are judged and are bullied. many woman would be more than capable.

also many woman that foster and adopt do so after all their kids have grown and moved out.
my aunt is a powerhouse.shes fostered 15 after hers moved out.from aged 6months to 21.all loved.all come out with a family.all bloody marvelous kids.her age didnt once stop her.
my cousin is fifty and runs her dairy farm and shop with 2 toddlers. i can tell you she is not a doddery old womanat 50

it will be obvious donor egg situation/it’s my mum not grandma. how will it “be obvious” there are about six parents in dcs class who had their children over 40 are you sure you can judge someone’s age that easily. Why would they be ashamed of being the result of donor eggs???. Do you feel the same about donor sperm or kids that are the result of ONS or deadbeat dads??? What IS this nonsense?

The clinic agreed presumably because they don’t have rules about single mums or cut off ages.

i can tell you she is not a doddery old womanat 50 I think this is where my confusion lies. I don’t know ANY dodery old fifty year olds.

believe it or not, not every 50 year old is like you. She has the advantage of not having any other children (or any other adults) to look after
Mmm, hence why I said that we couldn't possibly know how it will affect her. Indeed, big difference when you haven't had children before.

I think the biggest factor will be her working circumstances.

my cousin is fifty and runs her dairy farm and shop with 2 toddlers. i can tell you she is not a doddery old womanat 50
And I think some posters forget that she'll have to look after them until she is in her late 60s.

Many women are 50 have not yet gone through the menopause so might still feel great to be hit by it in their mid or late 50s.

Looking after newborns is often much easier than looking after two energetic 5yo or 2 troubled teenagers.

She's shocked that the IVF she opted for worked? If she didn't want them why go through with it? Very weird.

No way in hell I would do it but i say good on her and best of luck!

So where do people think the line should be drawn? If 50 is fine how about 55? Or 60? All fine as long as you have the resources to employ nannies?

I would think outsourcing everything she possibly can would help. Also flexible working later on, and she should remember never to tell people her age. As her children grow up perhaps an au pair? And as a baby live in nannies. Then nursery. I think I do-able.

My godmother had triplets in the 80s at 50. Her adult children were great at helping her out, especially when the 20 year old father bailed.

@Tempusfudgeit

My godmother had triplets in the 80s at 50. Her adult children were great at helping her out, especially when the 20 year old father bailed.

Wow, this sounds like it might have been quite the scandal at the time! Good job there was no Mumsnet then or a pearl clutching epidemic would have ensued.

No idea how I would help a friend in this situation. I don't think there's a lot you can do, realistically. Moral support and help getting to / from appointments if she needs it?

Congratulations to your friend. I bet she was utterly desperate for babies and thought it would never come.

Tell her to employ all the help she can get! Once they're at school, it's easy street.

@CorianderLord

She's shocked that the IVF she opted for worked? If she didn't want them why go through with it? Very weird.

If you don’t know about IVF why bother commenting? The fact is women over 40 are advised by clinics to transfer more than 2 embryos at a time because of how miniscule the chances of success are. Women over 45 are often advised to transfer more 3 embryos in the hope one will stick. The very fact that as a 50 yo OP’s friend had both embryos stick is a sign she’s a very healthy woman and probably healthier and will live longer than most of the younger mums posting on this thread!

Good lord! She will need lots of emotional and practical support. She must have been desperate for children so am trying be kind but it's a shocking scenario. If she has money then I'd say a maternity nurse to help in the early days then a nanny? Definitely a cleaner/home help. I'm 32 with an 18month old and found the sleep deprivation of the early days incredibly hard so something which allows her to rest and reset is key. I expect you'll be on the receiving end of many desperate messages and calls OP in the coming months. At some point she needs to consider the long term to...

@kateandme

the comments on this thread!your the reason they might struggle and are judged and are bullied. many woman would be more than capable.

also many woman that foster and adopt do so after all their kids have grown and moved out.
my aunt is a powerhouse.shes fostered 15 after hers moved out.from aged 6months to 21.all loved.all come out with a family.all bloody marvelous kids.her age didnt once stop her.
my cousin is fifty and runs her dairy farm and shop with 2 toddlers. i can tell you she is not a doddery old womanat 50

This is a really good point, a friend of the family (single, grown up DC) fostered a number of children starting in her late 40s/ early 50s, she had a sibling group who she had previously short term fostered from pre-school age, who then continued to come to her every school holiday (as she lived by the beach), another child with additional needs who she cared for long term, and when needed she also took babies/ toddlers too. She was still doing this well past 60.

Women over 45 are often advised to transfer more 3 embryos in the hope one will stick.

I thought that two is the maximum permitted in the UK.

Congratulations to her

I had twins as a single parent at 32. It was, and still is, very hard but also amazing. I had a lot of help from my parents in the first few weeks so if she can afford a nanny around that time I'd advise that.

I have to disagree with a post I saw upthread about feeding - breastfeeding absolutely is possible if she wants to do that. I fed mine up to 16 months and in many ways it was probably easier than messing around with bottles for 2 babies.

@CounsellorTroi

Women over 45 are often advised to transfer more 3 embryos in the hope one will stick.

I thought that two is the maximum permitted in the UK.

Nope.

This is such a lovely message. Think your kids sound lucky to have you

she should remember never to tell people her age.

Jeez, really?

@CounsellorTroi

Women over 45 are often advised to transfer more 3 embryos in the hope one will stick.

I thought that two is the maximum permitted in the UK.

I had 3 implanted in second cycle

They all failed

Bless her congrats

She has money. She can buy help - I mean that nicely

She has a nanny

I advise a maternity nurse to help get into a routine

I’m one and I looked after a lady in same position

Donor eggs and ivf in USA and was almost 50 tho was married

I stayed with her for a year doing nights tho they slept for the last few months

She also had a full time day nanny

@Haenow

I know you were trying to be kind *@Flamingo1980* but this thread is hugely identifiable and the unkind comments are going to be hurtful to your friend. I really do think this needs to be deleted. I assume she didn’t ask for this to be on MN? It’s different if she has given permission.

The same could be said about a substantial chunk of threads on mumsnet

Also to join online forums/support groups for parents of twins to be fore armed

I would keep her off mumsnet sss it’s not really a support forum for parents but where judgmental cunties go to get their kicks