To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

When people are all up in horror spouting the usual tired old cliches about older parents questioning:

How long till the woman dies?
Will she be able to 'run about' with the child?
Is the child goring to become it's mother's carer?
I the child going to get bullied in school?

.... do you say the same about disabled parents? If not, why not?

The twins are potentially here now. Its of little use for people to be saying
"utterly irresponsible" ect ect. 50 nowadays isn't like 50 30 years ago.
Plus if she's financially okay at least she won't have stress in that way.
If she's hiring a nanny that'll also take some stress off.
Yes it'll be hard for her, but. I'm sure Twins are hard work regardless of age.

@SleepingStandingUp

If you lose your parents in your 20s, you are bereaved.

An orphan is someone who loses their parents when they are under the age of 18.

@Laiste

When people are all up in horror spouting the usual tired old cliches about older parents questioning:

How long till the woman dies?
Will she be able to 'run about' with the child?
Is the child goring to become it's mother's carer?
I the child going to get bullied in school?

.... do you say the same about disabled parents? If not, why not?

I think all some are saying is this should form part of decision making and people need to be realistic about the limitations that came come with older parenthood.

The same for people with disabilities, I think most will think through how they will cope, what extra support they will require, how parenthood might impact their health and vice versa. It’s only sensible to consider your own personal circumstance when making a huge decision like this, and I hope most people do take the time and do the research.

There are a lot of extreme comments in this thread in both sides of the argument. But the Middle ground is surely people need to have all the facts, understand the risks, and think through how they will cope. In any circumstances.

But this is a all redundant in these circumstances, the lady is already pregnant.

I had my first child as a single parent at 26, my own parents had already died by then.

The hardest parts were loneliness (I didn't know anyone else with children, this was in the late 90s so I didn't even have access to the internet, and my friends were my age and interested in going to the pub. Any women locally with children were all married/SAHM and we had nothing in common) and finances, I saved hard during pregnancy so I could manage financially but I still had to return to work when my baby was 8 months old to pay my mortgage, and that was tough.

The OP's friend seems like she has a lot of friends around her, is ok financially and has a lot more life experience than I did, I'm sure she will be absolutely fine.

I think some of the posts are harsh. She obviously wanted to get pregnant because she had treatment. Of course she didnt expect it to work because she is 50 and I would hazard an educated guess that, if using donor eggs and having fertility treatment at 50, this has been quite a journey. I would also say pretty much anyone, whatever age and whether assisted by IVF or not, would be shocked at finding themselves pregnant with twins although of course multiples are always a possibility and especially when implanted with two embryos. It isn't unreasonable for her to be experiencing initial panic. You have said she is financially stable and it sounds like it was thought through. In terms of practical advice, I definitely agree that a live in nanny would be a great idea. Also to join online forums/support groups for parents of twins to be fore armed. She will need to take extra care of her health and maybe adjust her work and maternity plans. She may also need to make some changes financially - given her age, it is all the more important, if she is able, to save for the children's futures in a junior ISA or the like. In her shoes I would also be making a will if not already. I should say I have done both of those things as my husband is in his 40s.

@5zeds

I’m fifty and honestly wouldn’t need “a lot of support” to raise twins now. I’d enjoy it. Lots of women had children into their forties before contraception was available. They lead much harder (physically) lives and managed. I think OPs friend can have a great life as can her children.

My own mother is in her early 60s and cares for my DD usually while I work, 4 days a week. She also looks after her other grandchildren. She would agree it is tougher now than when she was younger but she is more than capable. Age and the impact of age depends very much on the individual. Obviously you cannot predict the future and may need to financially plan for your children more quickly than others in terms of what would happen if you became unwell/couldn't work/died - it can happen to anyone but statistically more likely the older you are - however OP's friend likely thought about all of this. I've met some people in their 20s whose lives are written across their faces, who struggle to cope with the weight of the world on their shoulders and also people in their 80s who look and act like they have another lifetime left in them

@Temporary1234

Families come in different forms..

Are we using fertility now to police women too ??

Before 30 we judge

After 40 we judge

In between 30 and 40, she needs to find a man, settle, succeed in her career, breed.. and then breed again so the family isn’t too small..

That’s an aweful lots of prescriptive living.. and don’t you dare be an outlier to those made up rules ..

Because god forbid? Your child might be bullied ?!!

I’d much rather my child gets bullied about how old I look.. than other things.

I say this as a young mother who had a very young mother

Excellent post Temporary. Refreshingly non-judgemental.

OP She will get over the shock and there will come a time when she cannot even think about what life was like before her family. Congratulations to her.

She will absolutely need at least a daytime nanny OP. This is a cost that there is no choice in taking. If she can find/employ someone to help near her own age, whose family have grown-up, I would advise that.

I hope for her sake she does go for a c-section; her recovery will take longer because of her age, but it is a quantifiable risk. Vaginal birth at this age is far riskier.

Let's hope post-natally, when she is feeling lonely and over-whelmed, if she ever manages to get to a baby group it isn't populated by people like the posters on this thread. One imagines them all staring and pointing not very subtly at the freak over there .
As if she will not have enough to cope with as well as unsolicited judgement.

I know you were trying to be kind @Flamingo1980 but this thread is hugely identifiable and the unkind comments are going to be hurtful to your friend. I really do think this needs to be deleted. I assume she didn’t ask for this to be on MN? It’s different if she has given permission.

@Ismellphantoms

She'll be fine. My gg grandmother married at 40. She had seven children, all alive and well with the last one being born when she was 50. She lived to 97.

This post has made my day!

I completely agree with Haenow.

@IceFrost

You are the one horrified at the thought of an older woman at the school gate which leads me to believe only a certain type of mum is acceptable

Oh well.. your assumption is wrong.

Why?
Plenty of years left in her to raise her children. If she's healthy, financially secure, independent and willing to give a happy home what does a younger woman have that she doesn't?

She doesn’t have lots of time though does she. She’s 50. Not 20/30.
They aren’t even born and shes already having to look at the possibility of buying in paid help to raise her children as she will be too knackered as she’s to old to do it herself.

I hope she has a shed load of money so the twins don’t end up having to wipe her ass and Care for her in their 20s when they should be living life.

You crude individual. "Wipe her ass." Ugh.

Poor woman. I'm 52 and couldn't cope with one baby let alone two, but she knew what she was doing.

Mumsnet cliche #635: opinions not advice

It appears there are a lot of MNetters who really struggle with looking after their children and need an awful lot of support. I don’t think that’s true of everyone though and it’s hard to say you find something easy others are struggling with. I honestly don’t think for me this would be hard. I’m basing that on being 50, having raised twins and having done it for fairly long stretches without partner/family support day to day. I think your friend will be fine. Honestly I found the last half of my twins pregnancy awful, but once they were here,manageable and good.

[quote RedWine123]@Sabrina124 I’m not sure if all the hate in your brain is killing your brain cells but you cannot become an orphan in your 20’s.[/quote]
fabulous riposte Redwine123

Live in mother’s help/au pair. Some counselling/exempt advice how to deal with questions as it will be obvious donor egg situation/it’s my mum not grandma.

@MsTSwift

Two 14 year olds on your own at 64...Utterly irresponsible

Wow, what an ageist, horrible thing to say. I was raised by my grandmother who was a lot older that this woman. Why is it 'irresponsible' for a financially secure fifty year old mother to have twins????

OP please give her my congratulations! Good for her - I'm sure she'll be a lovely mum to those twins.

@RuthW

Poor woman. I'm 52 and couldn't cope with one baby let alone two, but she knew what she was doing.

Poor woman??? Wtaf????

I do think its important that people are held accountable for their life choices. Its a crazy decision to do something like this but obviously she will just have to cope. I take it she has no family support either?
Hopefully she is wealthy enough to pay for support because doing it on her own will be awful, and hopefully she is financially secure, because it doesn't sound great from a work perspective either.

As a friend, I wouldn't want to get involved too much because I have my own life to lead and by that age, it would have moved on from rearing children.

Its not as if having children later in life naturally is unheard of - I traced my family history, and my great mother had a child at 48 - but generally that would have been with significant family support and a partner. Doing it all on her own with 2 is going to be hard but I guess she was aware of that when she made the decision to go abroad for treatment.

Noone can say if she'll be fine or not.

We don't k ke if shes well off through inheritance and therefore able to be a sahm with a nanny and still enjoy a good lifestyle until she passes away, it whether she is financially comfortable fit to working ft in a high power demanding job.

We don't know if she's started the monolayer yet and if she hasn't, how it will affect her. Some breeze through it, others become almost disabled as a result.

We don't know whether her many friends will support her as you'd expect parents to or whether they are friends now but will run a mile when is not free any longer.

We dont if the twins will be easy kids who will become easy toddlers and sake through teenagehood with little trouble, or if they have antecedents and have intense psychological, emotional, physical needs.

All anyone can do is wish her good luck and hope she doesn't regret her decision.

I've just turned 50 this year and no way would I cope. It would be an absurd nightmare.

@dontdisturbmenow believe it or not, not every 50 year old is like you. She has the advantage of not having any other children (or any other adults) to look after.

Most of the parents I know with twins regardless of age (, and I'm blood related to a few hence delibrately having one child,) had other children to look after under 4 when they had them.

It amuses me that many of the people on here who are very critical of older mothers wouldnt exist, and nor would the dc they presumably had young, if some of their ancestors hadn't been prepared to go there at an age they'd consider unthinkable. Not that they necessarily had much choice!

A single mum of 50
Pregnant with twins....
I dont understand how any clinic agreed to A helping her to get pregnant at that age and B putting TWO embryos back