To ask for help in how to help my single friend pregnant with twins aged 50?

[Flamingo1980]

My friend decided to have two double donor eggs implanted in her abroad and she is now 18 weeks pregnant with twins aged 50. She didn’t expect either to implant let alone both so this is a big shock and she’s pretty worried about how she will cope.
I’m trying my best to help out practically and be positive, however I’m also normally quite a realistic person and I would be lying if i said I think it’s not going to be without it’s problems.
I’ve got a seven year old myself so I only know how hard one child is in my 30’s... Can anyone offer any advice as to what needs to happen or what would be useful to say to her or do for her?
Many thanks in advance.

you cannot become an orphan in your 20’s. I would imagine if both your parents are dead you ARE an orphan??

@5zeds I think technically, you're only an orphan if you are a child who has lost both parents

My grandparents are all dead, but my parents wouldn't be regarded as orphans

Life expectancy changes as you age. I think 87 ish for her age but you can look it up here

www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/healthandsocialcare/healthandlifeexpectancies/articles/lifeexpectancycalculator/2019-06-07

Her twins would most likely be nearing forty. Before you start with “but she’ll have no quality of life” guff my mum is that age group and though she isn’t as fit as she was at 40 she is driving force in the family and totally “herself”.

@notanothertakeaway I know several adults who have described themselves as “an orphan now” on losing their last parent. I think it’s up to them and maybe expresses how lost they feel?

@notanothertakeaway you've missed out the key part of my sentence there - "while the twins are children"... Everybody is going to die, of course I'm not suggesting that she's not likely to!

I would also stress the 83 years life expectancy is for children born now.

Of course 65 year old mother is more likely to experience ill heath than a 35 year old mother.

This is just common sense, and I struggle to understand how people don’t see that. Just look at statistics around cancer diagnosis. Probabilities spike considerably in later years.

Bonkers to pretend a woman in her sixties has exactly the same health status as a woman in her thirties.

But it’s done now. This lady will have tiny children in the fifties and will be nearly 70 before they are young adults.

She will need a lot of support, and like any single parent, will need people to rely in emergencies.

Glad she has you OP

Does this woman have any surviving parents and how fit and healthy are they? Does she have extended family e.g siblings? Will the twins have cousins? Or will they have no one if something should happen to their mother?

I’m fifty and honestly wouldn’t need “a lot of support” to raise twins now. I’d enjoy it. Lots of women had children into their forties before contraception was available. They lead much harder (physically) lives and managed. I think OPs friend can have a great life as can her children.

She’s fifty not eighty it’s extremely likely she has “surviving parents” ffs.

[quote BryonyG]@notanothertakeaway you've missed out the key part of my sentence there - "while the twins are children"... Everybody is going to die, of course I'm not suggesting that she's not likely to![/quote]
@BryonyG

The older you are when you have your children, the more likely it is that they will be young when you die

I would imagine, the further north you live when you have children the more likely it is that they will be young when you die, the poorer you are when you have children the more likely it is that they will be young when you die, the fatter you are when you have children the more likely it is that they will be young when you die.....the woman has at ugh right to a family as anyone.

@5zeds

She’s fifty not eighty it’s extremely likely she has “surviving parents” ffs.

It’s probably about 50% probability that her parents are alive. Based on the chances of a 65 year old today living to 80% and adjusted slightly to acknowledge this ladies parents age cohort.

@5zeds

I would imagine, the further north you live when you have children the more likely it is that they will be young when you die, the poorer you are when you have children the more likely it is that they will be young when you die, the fatter you are when you have children the more likely it is that they will be young when you die.....the woman has at ugh right to a family as anyone.

@5zeds

I was just taking issue with a PP who wrote that she's not any more likely to die while the twins are still children than a younger mother which is patently untrue

I agree with you that all sorts of factors influence life expectancy. Age is only one of them

Looks like 80% of people have a parent at 50 to me.

www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/stories/2019/05/when-do-we-lose-our-parents-figure-1.jpg

Not that “having parents” is a necessity for being a happy mum.

[quote 5zeds]Looks like 80% of people have a parent at 50 to me.

www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/stories/2019/05/when-do-we-lose-our-parents-figure-1.jpg[/quote]
That’s america

Yes I think UK has better not worse numbers though? I couldn’t find stats for both for UK. Where did you find the 50%? It seems highly unlikely to me.

A live in nanny/mother's help/nursery nurse for the first 6 months and longer term a nanny until at preschool then an au pair I would recommend. One kid in your 20's is hard!

Even just a weekly cleaner though is a huge help, especially one with a brain who doesn't mind doing whatever needs sorting, beds changing, laundry etc in the 3-4 hours they are there.

I know a lot of the issues I had struggling with mine would have been solved with just a couple of hours respite a week and a cleaner (one of mine is autistic and couldn't be left at all until older, she's actually trustworthy now and lives alone thankfully!)

[quote 5zeds]Looks like 80% of people have a parent at 50 to me.

www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/stories/2019/05/when-do-we-lose-our-parents-figure-1.jpg[/quote]
And according to that there is. 60% chance her father has passsed and almost 40% her mother. So not high probably more than one is alive now.

However she doesn’t need parents to be a good mother herself. They would likely be in their eighties, and like many parents of any adult child could live miles away, or simply be disinterested.

@EKGEMS

Same here, fills me with dread, and being older sometimes I skip a period and I spend a month panicking even though I'm protected!

I struggled being a single mum to twins in my early 30s! If is financially secure enough to afford some help, she should definitely do it. Maybe a maternity nurse, nanny and/or a cleaner.
The best things my friends did for me were to come round and watch the twins while I either slept, showered or went out for a walk.

I was 66 when my dad died. He couldn't get over the fact he had 2 children who had both retired and that 4 of his grandchildren were in their 30s.

As a mum of now teenage twins (plus two others) am I the only one who found it no different to having a singleton? Hired help indeed

I'm 49 now and I'd probably find it a bit more tiring than I did at 33 but it keeps you young right?
Not ideal to get fertility treatment at that age but it's done now, so good luck to her. Tell her to bank her sleep

@notanothertakeaway you're getting confused between life expectancy and risk of death (mortality).

[quote RedWine123]@Sabrina124 I’m not sure if all the hate in your brain is killing your brain cells but you cannot become an orphan in your 20’s.[/quote]
Eh? What do you think it's called of both your parents die when you're in your 20s??

😂😂