To have had enough of step son crying to get out of being reprimanded

[MillyA]

He is 9 and generally a good kid but DH is stupidly reluctant to ever tell him off because he's so sensitive and to be honest I'm tired of it. The other kids get tellings off when needed.

We were all in the living room this afternoon and DSS was playing with the younger ones. He picked up and threw DD (18 months) onto the floor from his standing position, he's quite tall for his age so it was bloody high for a small baby/toddler to drop from.

DD hits the floor with a crash head first and starts screaming, i shouted "no!" and rush over to scoop her up and check if she's hurt.

DSS starts sobbing because he was expecting to be told off, yet upon DH seeing him crying he tells him it's ok it's over with now don't worry

This is just one example in a long line of others where DSS really should have gotten a strict talking to but hasn't.

Two weeks ago he kicked DH full force in the groin (playing) which resulted in DH being unable to talk for a good few minutes and had tears in his eyes, but because DSS turned the water works on he escaped being told off. What should have happened was DH explaining to him in no uncertain terms how that's dangerous and he should never, ever do that.

Obviously I have a DH problem.

WWYD/S?

OP - there’s been a wealth of good advice here and you sound caring of ALL of the kids. Just fed up with the situation and you recognise it’s not healthy for anyone.

I hope your DH can step up.

I am mum of a similar child at a similar age, there’s lots of reasons why we’ve got to where we are and I can beat myself up for wrong turns made in parenting, but ultimately it’s not too late to change. A clinical psychologist recommended ‘the yes brain child’ which I’m finding useful and the family dynamics are definitely shifting as we change our parenting style. It’s not going to be a quick fix but it took us years to get here so I’m viewing it as years to undo. Lucky DH is on the same page, and the changes in behaviour are marked. The change in DC’s brain may take longer (being more confident, calm and resilient) but as people react positively to the better behaviour I think that will come.

Good luck, I really hope your DH can start to face this with you.

He could have killed your toddler doing that! That sort of behaviour is not on. You're obviously in a difficult position, as it should be his father discipling your DSS, but if I were in your shoes I would be saying DSS cannot visit unless he agrees to abide by house rules and if DH isn't adult enough to teach his child how to behave, he can't visit. (Appreciate this has deep ramifications, but I'd prioritise my child over a man-child DH.)

As the day goes on I'm feeling increasingly pissed off at DH and the fact he has avoided discussing and resolving the issue so far.

I don't like arguments being left unresolved because it gives me a sense of anxiety.

I've been doing alot of reading both from this thread and online and it's definitely a case of golden child / scapegoats. Our toddlers (if you can call DS that at 3!) being the scapegoats.

DH has got a heavy case of NRP guilt which is the driving force behind the differential treatment among the kids. That then leads to disney dadding.

Thank you again for the wealth of brilliant advice throughout the thread.

I notice that your DP's reaction to conflict is the silent treatment, wait for it to go away, crisis past, it never really happened. Is this the adult version of his son's reaction? Floods of tears, causes not addressed, hang on in there , it will go away........ How would you DP react if you raised this issue with him?
I agree with other posters that he will have a hard time if this "sensitivity" is condoned. As a teacher, I have had to deal with the nasty bullying that can arise when an unpleasant peer realises that somebody has buttons which can be easily pushed. Cue entertaining floorshow, with added bonus, if in class, of taking a break from the grind of schoolwork while the drama unfolds. Your DP needs to realise that his son needs the right kind of support to develop resilience; as you rightly say, there's no need to rant, but measure disapproval and a stern insistence on dealing with inappropriate behaviour.

OP,
You sound so reasonable and nice, but unfortunately it sounds like you have had children with a child.

How you bear him and have any respect for him is beyond me.

Hs should be appalled by that highly dangerous incident but he's not.

Doesn't sound like he cares for his children with you at all.

You need to protect your children from both their father's stupidity and their step brother who is being parented so poorly that he would drop a toddler like that.

You need to be the adult in this home because your partner isn't.

It doesn't sound as if he has respect for you or himself.

I would suggest that the lastest incident should be a game changer for you.

Your children are at risk when a 9 year old is allowed to behave like that.

I appreciate you say you were upset but the truth is he has conditioned you to put his son ahead of even the safety of your children.

Dreadful.

Please realise the seriousness of this take steps to protect your children.

Your step son should not return to the house until this is properly sorted out.

The stakes are simply too high.

@twoshedsjackson

I notice that your DP's reaction to conflict is the silent treatment, wait for it to go away, crisis past, it never really happened. Is this the adult version of his son's reaction? Floods of tears, causes not addressed, hang on in there , it will go away........ How would you DP react if you raised this issue with him? I agree with other posters that he will have a hard time if this "sensitivity" is condoned. As a teacher, I have had to deal with the nasty bullying that can arise when an unpleasant peer realises that somebody has buttons which can be easily pushed. Cue entertaining floorshow, with added bonus, if in class, of taking a break from the grind of schoolwork while the drama unfolds. Your DP needs to realise that his son needs the right kind of support to develop resilience; as you rightly say, there's no need to rant, but measure disapproval and a stern insistence on dealing with inappropriate behaviour.

One hundred percent yes, DH's response to criticism or being in the wrong is definitely the adult version of how DSS reacts.

I will cite that when I speak to him later, it's not likely to be well received but it needs to be said.

Unfortunately DH was bullied in school and has already said on multiple occasions that he's concerned DSS would be a target for the same because of how sensitive he is. He knows himself that it's a problem but instead of working with DSS to prep him for secondary he treats him like a snowflake (I'm not saying DSS is a snowflake btw, just that DH treats him as one)

@billy1966

OP, You sound so reasonable and nice, but unfortunately it sounds like you have had children with a child.

How you bear him and have any respect for him is beyond me.

Hs should be appalled by that highly dangerous incident but he's not.

Doesn't sound like he cares for his children with you at all.

You need to protect your children from both their father's stupidity and their step brother who is being parented so poorly that he would drop a toddler like that.

You need to be the adult in this home because your partner isn't.

It doesn't sound as if he has respect for you or himself.

I would suggest that the lastest incident should be a game changer for you.

Your children are at risk when a 9 year old is allowed to behave like that.

I appreciate you say you were upset but the truth is he has conditioned you to put his son ahead of even the safety of your children.

Dreadful.

Please realise the seriousness of this take steps to protect your children.

Your step son should not return to the house until this is properly sorted out.

The stakes are simply too high.

I agree with alot of what you have said.

At this moment I'm struggling to have any respect for DH at all.

Just a couple of weeks ago I said to DH that I feel as though he doesn't like our DC all that much, because he treats them so differently to DSS. He resented me saying that and said that was absolutely not the case, but it wasn't long until I've had to speak up again about the differential treatment.

I'm not going to allow this one to be brushed under the carpet. He's going to listen to me today whether he likes it or not.

In both those situations I don’t think he should have been disciplined there and then as he was showing remorse in my opinion.

With kicking dh- not intentionally trying to hurt him and then felt bad when he did.

With dd- silliness rather than purposely hurting her. Again he realised she was hurt and felt bad.

What he does need is someone sitting down with him, in a calm moment and setting out some rules going forward. Saying he has to be gentle with dd. No kicking during playing. Then if it happens again he won’t be able to play fight with dh again for the rest of the weekend (natural consequence), So he can have a think about how to okay appropriately.

With dd, explain she’s young and can get hurt. Can you anticipate him getting overexcited etc? If so calm him down from there and consequences if he if too boisterous around her. Maybe dh could take him out to burn off energy in these situations.

@DragonLegs There really is no solid indication here that he was crying out of remorse for what he had done rather than because he didn't want to be told off.

The crying by the boy is a very effective method of deflection that a child can use when they know bloody well they have done something wrong and want to distract.

He's not the first child to try this.

In this case he has been taught by his father that it works very well and it is now his go to reaction to possible any interaction he would like to avoid.

He's being rared to be a brat.
There is zero parenting going on.

He is learning that he can avoid ANY accountability for his actions by deflection and distraction.

Dreadful.

This won't magically resolve itself.

This will only get considerably worse.

He is in affect, being parented without any correction or guidance.

OP,
Honestly, by the time he hits the teen years, if this continues, you won't want this child in the house.

He will be out of control and a complete nightmare.

Your husband is a complete waste of space, and is failing his first child miserably.

This is only going to get considerably worse.
You actually need to think of the type of environment you want to bring your own children up in.

Because I forsee an out of control teen, ruling the house and causing havoc.

Lax parenting invariably comes back to bite parents in the arse during the teen years IMO.

My view would be that if he was facing the wall crying and sulking then it was less time that he was spending hurting small children. Someone in the house needs to say calmly but firmly (and I'm getting the feeling that it may be you) that the small children do not want to be hurt that they don't like it and that he is not to do it. It may cause friction with DH but I'm not sure there's another option.

Re being constantly asked for attention from ss. Do you think you treat them the same. What would happen if one of your ch did this. I certainly wouldn't stand for it. You might need to reflect on this and how much attention re gaming he gets.

Not sure if this happens already but does DH spend 1 to 1 time with the boy and if not could he?

It sounds like he has learnt from a young age if he turns on the waterworks he will get away with anything he wants to including hurting other children. Also sounds like DH is overcompensating due to not living with DS but he is doing him no favour at all. He is probably worried if he shouts DS gets upset and wont want to come round again. How is his discipline with his mother? Do you or DH have the type of relationship where you can ask?

I’m really sorry OP, that’s awful.

Without discipline, the bad behaviour (and, as he grows, physical danger) is going to get worse and worse.

Tears shouldn’t be a way out of punishment. God knows my son is super sensitive and cries at the drop of a hat. I comfort him, speak calmly, and explain the consequences of his behaviour (chores or lost privileges or whatever). The way your DH is ‘dealing’ with it - ie just avoiding the problem for a quiet life - is neglectful and harmful to DSS as well as the rest of the family.

DH needs to read a bunch of parenting books or go on a parenting course or something. And he and you need to have an agreed “How we discipline DSS when he is at our house” approach.

If he dropped DD on purpose I would not allow him to play with her again for a long time and I would make him watch a lot of anti bullying videos / write an essay about assault law etc. It’s not too late to set him that kind of work. “Ok because you dropped DD now this has to happen.” Just makensure the punishment fits the crime, don’t do something random like take away his tv time as then he would just see you as the bad guy.

I think his crying sounds like it is more complicated than just being about trying to avoid being told off. I think we get told a lot that our children’s crying (whether babies or bigger children) is manipulative, but that’s not necessarily going to help the situation to frame it in that way, even if it’s true in some ways. It might help to hypothesise that his crying isn’t about manipulating you/his dad but is something else, and that maybe he’s genuinely feeling really sad about something that might not be about being told off or anything in the immediate environment at all. Maybe a gentle response, acknowledging both his behaviour AND his sad feelings, rather than all-or-nothing approach to discipline, could help. E.g, “I can’t let you do that to [toddler] you might hurt her. You seem like you’re feeling sad about what you did.” And see what he says next, listen, and go from there.

I think we get told a lot that our children’s crying (whether babies or bigger children) is manipulative, but that’s not necessarily going to help the situation to frame it in that way, even if it’s true in some ways. It might help to hypothesise that his crying isn’t about manipulating you/his dad but is something else, and that maybe he’s genuinely feeling really sad about something that might not be about being told off or anything in the immediate environment at all.

See a lot of people seem to say this, but then not really back it up with anything. Behaviour that seems manipulative, and obviously could be manipulative given the context of the typical end result, must be assumed to not be manipulative, and the child must be comforted, presumably because, well, people think it's mean to call a child manipulative. It doesn't mean they aren't and their behaviour must somehow be justifiable.

And even if he is sad about something unrelated (that is mysteriously only triggered when he is about to get into trouble), it really doesn't have any bearing on what the consequences should be for what he has actually done. Feeling sad about something else in no way justifies hurting his sister.

Thank you to the recent posters for your replies.

DH does spend 1:1 time with him yes, they often go out together and the rest of us stay home and or do other things. I do think it's important that he gets that alone time with DH so that's not something he lacks.

DH has a good co-parenting up her arse more like relationship with his ex so yes he is in a position where he would be able to ask her about how she handles DSS and discipline. Getting him to ask her would be the hard bit. He's reluctant to raise anything with her at all, not because he's scared of her but because he doesn't like having difficult conversations (not that this is difficult to raise!)

I'm not sure whether DSS' crying is manipulation or whether it goes deeper but he has always been this way.

He wants to be seen as good (and he often is very good) but as soon as he does something that isn't good, and he knows you're going to be upset with him, he cries.

DH will be home in about 2 hours and I'm going to lay my cards on the table over tea.

I want him to treat all of the children the same, by that I mean discipline/educate them all when necessary. DSS doesn't get a free pass to avoid being redirected or told off when it's nessecary - tears or not.

DH needs to buck up his ideas about stonewalling me when there is a conflict. I've spent the day feeling so anxious because I can't stand not resolving a row.

Personally I would like us to have family therapy (thank you to those of you who reccomended that, I agree it will likely help)

Oh and a blanket ban on picking DD up off the floor.

I don't mind him putting her on his knee if he's sat down but I'm putting my foot down about lifting her when stood up.

No one likes getting told off but if he is not disciplined now imagine what he will be like at 15 and towering over your DH? You are raising an adult and he needs to know boundaries.

He's 9 and is only a year (or less) off of the age of criminal responsibility but seems to be going around assaulting people. Lovely. You definitely need to talk to your DH about this because he is doing his child a disservice.

I hope your little one has been ok today and the GP was able to reassure you.

www.facebook.com/simeonpanda/videos/470203190629537/

Its official. Your husband is a worse parent than a dog.

Good luck OP
Stick to your guns