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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't want ex to babysit DD

282 replies

Gripgru · 12/11/2020 18:04

I have two DC, DS4 with my ex-husband, and DD1 with my current partner. I've been really exhausted with lockdown and I said something casually about not having any time to spend with DP, who was in the room at the time. Ex then offered to take DD with him as well next Saturday when he's picking up DS. I was about to thank him for that and say I'd think it over when DP told my ex he ''doesn't think that's a good idea".

I would have obviously had a conversation with DP first before agreeing to anything, but DP made the situation very uncomfortable when he said that. So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end.

I feel stuck in the middle. DP is telling me it's not appropriate, but I find it annoying that he told my ex that to his face when he was only trying to be nice. Before anyone asks, my relationship with ex wasn't abusive and we split amicably. AIBU to think that maybe DP should apologise for what he said? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 09:49

I feel sorry for OP getting stuck in the middle of those two.

I don’t. I think she needs to respect her partner’s decision.

fatherliamdeliverance · 13/11/2020 09:54

Not RTFT just the OP's comments but I think your DP handled this badly, presuming no backstory.

It was just an offer that he could have graciously thanked your ex for and deferred. Instead he loosely implied that the ex was a risk to the child and had overstepped the mark in offering. I'm not surprised the ex felt a bit wrongfooted and defensive.The ex isn't a stranger to the family and people leave their kids with otherwise unknown babysitters and minders all the time so I don't see the implicit risk, he's an experienced parent.

DP isn't obliged to leave his daughter with anyone he doesn't want to but that is not a polite way to handle an offer of help when it is really important here to maintain the good relationship you have.

Womencanlift · 13/11/2020 09:55

@flaviaritt

I feel sorry for OP getting stuck in the middle of those two.

I don’t. I think she needs to respect her partner’s decision.

And what if she was happy with it? Should her partner not respect her opinion? Because that is not what happened here - there was no discussion, it was her partners way and nothing else.

That is the concerning part of this whole situation for me and a huge red flag.

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 09:57

And what if she was happy with it? Should her partner not respect her opinion

No. Nobody should be forced to hand their child over to someone against their instincts. I would expect both parents to be happy with the arrangements, not just one.

Womencanlift · 13/11/2020 10:02

@flaviaritt

And what if she was happy with it? Should her partner not respect her opinion

No. Nobody should be forced to hand their child over to someone against their instincts. I would expect both parents to be happy with the arrangements, not just one.

That’s not what I am saying. I am saying there should have been a private discussion so a joint decision was made. One parent doesn’t get a veto in decisions about a child. And if that is the case that is a slippery slope and not a healthy relationship in any way whatsoever.

Even if they do have bad instincts about it then discuss them privately. The ex will always be in their lives regardless whether the DP likes it or not. Be an adult and don’t mess up a good relationship for the sake of the kids if nothing else

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 10:04

One parent doesn’t get a veto in decisions about a child.

We do in our house. We don’t hand our child over to anyone unless we are both happy. I think that is the healthy way to do it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Aragog · 13/11/2020 10:08

Where this is possible it can work really well and really help relationships between the blended families and the children.

My uncle and aunt had two sons together before they split. My auntie then had another done to a new partner.
When visiting all three boys used to go and stay with my uncle, including the younger one who wasn't his.
That child also came and moved in with my uncle as an older teen/young adult - he and my auntie/new partner lived about 3 hours away and he was moving house.

Even now many years in and all adults they all have a great relationship and it's worked really well. It certainly made life easier for all when the boys were children. The youngest didn't feel left out when his brothers went in adventures with their dad. He even went on holidays with them etc.

Worked really well for them.

Aragog · 13/11/2020 10:12

Maybe your partner could just see it in the same way as your Dd having a day out or being babysat by a friend, or the child's school mates parent.

They also have no blood relationship with the child but often look after a child.

It seems like a nice offer from your ex.
I assume your dp feels odd about it, not for your DD's sake but for his own.

Womencanlift · 13/11/2020 10:21

@flaviaritt

One parent doesn’t get a veto in decisions about a child.

We do in our house. We don’t hand our child over to anyone unless we are both happy. I think that is the healthy way to do it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Which is absolutely fine. But in this instance the OP’s partner made that decision for her without giving her the opportunity to agree/disagree. To me that’s the unhealthy part.
Redolent · 13/11/2020 10:25

@Italiangreyhound

Still cannot see how the OP's dp was being rude.

Still cannot think any of these posters would seriously let an unrelated man look after a one year old. Someone who probably has very little relationship with the baby and yet about 2/3rds here think it is a lovely offer. It's actually very sad you'd care so little for baby's comfort you'd hand her over to someone who she doesn't really know.

And yes 100% the ex had a little tantrum because he didn't get his way.

I agree with this. A one year old is really very young still. Many children at that are starting to get stranger or separation anxiety anyway. It's completely understandable and the ex should have taken it that way.

If someone offers to do you a 'favour', then gets annoyed when you turn it down, that's always a red flag in life (for me anyway).

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 10:27

Which is absolutely fine. But in this instance the OP’s partner made that decision for her without giving her the opportunity to agree/disagree. To me that’s the unhealthy part.

I agree that discussion should have been had in private.

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 10:34

'outburst and the insinuations'

There are no outburst and the insinuations.

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 10:36

flaviaritt
" I think she needs to respect her partner’s decision."

Yes the do seems to be not really respected while the man she is divorced from gets the respect!

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 10:39

"Instead he loosely implied that the ex was a risk to the child"

That is not true!

Has the ex ever changed her nappy, fed her or had some responsibility for her for even half an hour.

If he has not done these things how could he take charge of a baby for any length if time?

fatherliamdeliverance · 13/11/2020 10:53

italiangreyhound

No idea whether the ex has spent half an hour with the child. It's of no importance. Nobody is obliged to leave their kid with him.

My point is, he made an offer of help, off the back of the OP saying she was exhausted. Language such as 'that's not a good idea' and later, 'inappropriate' are insinuating the ex was wrong to offer.

The OP and partner would not be wrong to refuse, but the ex certainly did nothing wrong in offering and I would have been quite hurt by the response given. It should have been handled a lot more tactfully for the sake of the OP and son's relationship with his father, as well as out of good manners.

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 11:04

Yes the do seems to be not really respected while the man she is divorced from gets the respect!

Yep!

TicTacTwo · 13/11/2020 11:04

And yes 100% the ex had a little tantrum because he didn't get his way.

Ex may have been sarky because dp didn't explain.
"Thanks for the offer mate but maybe another time" or "Thanks for the offer but we'd rather not use a babysitter outside our childcare bubble" would be a gentle way to turn him down.
"that's not a good idea" could mean "dd doesn't know you so maybe not" (reasonable) or "you're not good enough to look after my dd" (antagonistic ) I don't think ex is unreasonable to assume that dp might be implying the latter- most people would wonder what was wrong with the idea and need clarification.

I think that the fact that OP was going to think about the offer suggests that she wasn't sure it was a good idea too but she has to parent with her ex for many years to come so a "thanks but.." response is more appropriate

Womencanlift · 13/11/2020 11:10

@TicTacTwo

And yes 100% the ex had a little tantrum because he didn't get his way.

Ex may have been sarky because dp didn't explain.
"Thanks for the offer mate but maybe another time" or "Thanks for the offer but we'd rather not use a babysitter outside our childcare bubble" would be a gentle way to turn him down.
"that's not a good idea" could mean "dd doesn't know you so maybe not" (reasonable) or "you're not good enough to look after my dd" (antagonistic ) I don't think ex is unreasonable to assume that dp might be implying the latter- most people would wonder what was wrong with the idea and need clarification.

I think that the fact that OP was going to think about the offer suggests that she wasn't sure it was a good idea too but she has to parent with her ex for many years to come so a "thanks but.." response is more appropriate

Absolutely this!

Creating an atmosphere between ex and DP (regardless of who is in the right) is only going to cause the OP issues and I would be seriously pissed off with my partner if he did this knowing that I would be the one to have to deal with the animosity

Cheeseandwin5 · 13/11/2020 11:25

@flaviaritt
he present partner can look after the children who live with him because that is what his partner, with whom the children are resident at the time is happy with
We do in our house. We don’t hand our child over to anyone unless we are both happy. I think that is the healthy way to do it.

Actually using your comments, the reason the DS stays with the OP and her new partner is because the ex agrees to the arrangement.
Now if the Ex takes exception, he could, quite rightly (according to you) unilaterally veto this arrangement and say he doesn't want his son with the new partner. What then??

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 13/11/2020 11:27

I would never allow my baby daughter to go off with a male I was not closely related to. Better safe than sorry. He could have been more politic about his response however.

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 11:30

Actually using your comments, the reason the DS stays with the OP and her new partner is because the ex agrees to the arrangement.

How so?

Cheeseandwin5 · 13/11/2020 11:42

Also I don't understand ppl getting on the back of the ex for offering and siding with the DP for his vagrantly proactive rude response.

If I had a friend / someone close who was exhausted and wanted to have a break, I would offer to look after their kids whilst they do.
My DH and I both separately and together have taken other ppls kids (with ours) for walks and stay overs and still do. This will normally come from us offering not from other ppl asking us to do it (and this is true vice versa).
Even if I am wary of someone's ability to look after my child, I will thank them for their kind offer and graciously refuse.
The OP's partner was rude to the point of now causing future aggravation between them and the ex. He did this either on purpose to cause trouble or worse still his first response is a hostile one.
Lastly the OP who was already exhausted, will now be more stressed. I see no information about how her partner plans to remedy this, and in fact he has made it worse for her.

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 11:45

fatherliamdeliverance "My point is, he made an offer of help, off the back of the OP saying she was exhausted. Language such as 'that's not a good idea' and later, 'inappropriate' are insinuating the ex was wrong to offer."

I don't think the ex was wrong to offer. I just think it was something that most people would not be happy with and the ex should realize that. On this thread so many people are fine with it because they are putting themselves in the OP's shoes imagining this man as someone they know well.

However, I am putting myself in the dp's shoes and no I would not want my dp's ex to look after my child.

Quite aside from that the dp was not rude.

Why should the do pretend it's a good idea when he clearly feels it is not!

Cheeseandwin5 · 13/11/2020 11:47

@flaviaritt

How so?

Your comments:
I would expect both parents to be happy with the arrangements, not just one
We don’t hand our child over to anyone unless we are both happy.

I was hoping you understood the comments you made (but obviously I am wrong) would have to work all ways and not just one.

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 11:48

"...most people would wonder what was wrong with the idea and need clarification."

No, I think most people do not hand their baby over to someone who most be a virtual stranger to the baby simply because they share a half sibling.

Especially in the middle of a pandemic where people cannot even see their own grandparents!