DP doesn't want ex to babysit DD

[Gripgru]

I have two DC, DS4 with my ex-husband, and DD1 with my current partner. I've been really exhausted with lockdown and I said something casually about not having any time to spend with DP, who was in the room at the time. Ex then offered to take DD with him as well next Saturday when he's picking up DS. I was about to thank him for that and say I'd think it over when DP told my ex he ''doesn't think that's a good idea".

I would have obviously had a conversation with DP first before agreeing to anything, but DP made the situation very uncomfortable when he said that. So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end.

I feel stuck in the middle. DP is telling me it's not appropriate, but I find it annoying that he told my ex that to his face when he was only trying to be nice. Before anyone asks, my relationship with ex wasn't abusive and we split amicably. AIBU to think that maybe DP should apologise for what he said? Or am I overreacting?

@Italiangreyhound

fatherliamdeliverance "My point is, he made an offer of help, off the back of the OP saying she was exhausted. Language such as 'that's not a good idea' and later, 'inappropriate' are insinuating the ex was wrong to offer."

I don't think the ex was wrong to offer. I just think it was something that most people would not be happy with and the ex should realize that. On this thread so many people are fine with it because they are putting themselves in the OP's shoes imagining this man as someone they know well.

However, I am putting myself in the dp's shoes and no I would not want my dp's ex to look after my child.

Quite aside from that the dp was not rude.

Why should the do pretend it's a good idea when he clearly feels it is not!

He was rude because he didn’t allow for discussion with his partner (the joint parent who should also have a say in the decision)

If this thread had been my partner is making decisions about who looks after our child without discussing it with me I think the responses would have been very different with lots of LTB’s and mentions of controlling behaviour

I think the dp just blurted out his first thought. It's not appropriate to him for his daughter to be cared for by someone who was once married to his partner. He could have phrased it better but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

The OP might well gave said things in her relationship which are negative about her ex, that's fairly common. The fact he went all huffy when his 9ffer was detected is a bad sign.

It may be kind of the ex to offer but it was not kind to be nasty when the offer wasn't accepted.

Womencanlift if your answer to soneone looking after your child is no, you can give your reasons. But you don't need to change your mind because your partner doesn't agree with you. Why does the dp need to pretend to consider this?

The very idea that not wanting to hand your child (baby!) over to someone you don't want to look after them is controlling is laughable.

I hate to say it but this is very much a double standard! When people said about mumsnet double standard in the past I thought they were making it up! Now I see it is real!

If my dh was happy for our kids to be looked after by someone I was not happy with in that role, they would not go to that person and vice versa.

By asking in front of do the ex kind of sprung it on them.

Cheeseandwin5

I think I have made myself quite clear. The OP and her DP are a couple; they make joint decisions (or I assume they do). The OP and her ex are not a couple. They make separate decisions during their own contact time. That you (and seemingly the ex) don’t seem to understand this difference shows a startling disregard for the reality of life in a separated family.

@Italiangreyhound

Womencanlift if your answer to soneone looking after your child is no, you can give your reasons. But you don't need to change your mind because your partner doesn't agree with you. Why does the dp need to pretend to consider this?

The very idea that not wanting to hand your child (baby!) over to someone you don't want to look after them is controlling is laughable.

I hate to say it but this is very much a double standard! When people said about mumsnet double standard in the past I thought they were making it up! Now I see it is real!

If my dh was happy for our kids to be looked after by someone I was not happy with in that role, they would not go to that person and vice versa.

By asking in front of do the ex kind of sprung it on them.

I am not saying he has to change his mind I, along with other posters, are saying the polite thing would have been to discuss in private as a couple as both have the right to be involved in the decision and then go back with a refusal.

All this situation is going to cause is potential awkwardness which the OP will be stuck in the middle of.

Womencanlift if there is potential awkwardness in future my opinion is that the culprit would be the ex. There doesn't need to be awkwardness.

The dp could have refused my graciously but to be fair who here is overly gracious with their partners exs?

I'm afraid I do think it's a very silly offer (even if well.meant) so I don't blame the dp for a quick response.

Your DP was BU

@Italiangreyhound

Womencanlift if there is potential awkwardness in future my opinion is that the culprit would be the ex. There doesn't need to be awkwardness.

The dp could have refused my graciously but to be fair who here is overly gracious with their partners exs?

I'm afraid I do think it's a very silly offer (even if well.meant) so I don't blame the dp for a quick response.

That’s a shame you think that way as my experience and many others on this thread of blended families has been very different and people have been gracious in offering and accepting support.

It was a nice offer that has been thrown back in the ex’s face.

"It may be kind of the ex to offer but it was not kind to be nasty when the offer wasn't accepted."

Hmm, and maybe that why the father didn't allow it. Her ex does seem too emotional about it.

Some ex can be revengeful so maybe he does not trust he isn't

@Womencanlift

“Thrown back” in his face? Explain how. It was simply refused. Are you also one of those people who gets offended if people turn down your offers or help or assistance?

If your goal is, genuinely and without self-interest, to be of benefit to the other person, then you’ll want to do what works for them. Not do what you think they want, then get upset when they decline.

In these moments. people who get offended are often acting more out of the appearance of altruism, or some other motive, than altruism itself. Hence why they get pissy and take it personally.

I wouldn’t let any man babysit my baby except his own father (and that’s parenting not babysitting obviously). I would trust my own father once my baby is old enough that my dad would feel comfortable looking after him. But that’s it. No brothers no uncles no exes no friends. I would have tried to find a less accusatory way of declining the offer in the OP’s DP’s position though.

Wouldn’t take it personally at all. I am just going by the OPs comments from her initial post that her DP made the situation uncomfortable (her words). That to me would indicate that the response came across harshly but obviously I wasn’t there and neither was anyone else so we can only go by what was written

your ex is putting the children first your current partner isn't - why shouldn't the younger child have a day out with her sibling - would your current partner have an issue with the younger child going out with a friends parent??

I think current DP does indeed owe him an apology and needs to rethink his objections. If it was nothing more than an ill considered reaction fine if he suspects your ex of potential what? child abuse ? then he needs to say so

'Thrown back in his face' suggests the dp should accept it. You can decline an offer without it being an insult.

It's not a shame for me. If I were part of a blended family I'd consider it with my dp based on what is best for the kids. Being looked after by a relative stranger at one year old is not best IMHO.

Actually I'd love appropriate assistance but Covid makes even grandparents having the kids at the moment impossible.

Reading some of the replies, DP is doing what a lot of you are doing, which is making it about the offer itself. The reason I'm mad is not because DP is uncomfortable with leaving DD at ex's house, it's because he was rude about refusing, and also because he didn't allow for a discussion between us to happen in private.

Ex has texted me to say that he wasn't aware DP dislikes him. He's hurt, and I can see why. The conversation was light-hearted and if DP was so desperate to stake his claim there are any number of ways he could have phrased it that wouldn't have been upsetting. Even "no thanks" would have been fine. Instead he said "I don't think that's a good idea", which completely changed the tone of the conversation and insinuated that ex was somehow unfit to look after our daughter.

If ex would have told me that he doesn't think it's a good idea for DP to look after DS, in front of my DP, I would have been similarly mad and think he was trying to start something.

DP and ex are normally friendly. They are not mates or anything, but DP has offered ex a beer when he's round, or suggested they watch the football on TV together with DS a couple times.

DP is a bit antsy regarding lockdown and his precious daughter, and that is all fine. I'm not expecting him to agree to cart of DD to anyone if he's not comfortable. What I am expecting is for him not to be rude and create an awkward atmosphere between people who will have to talk to eachother regularly for the next 16 years or so, especially when nothing has happened to warrant that behaviour.

For those who said I should get back with ex, no thank you. I love DP and this isn't normal behaviour for him, hence I am not 100% sure I'm not being unreasonable. Also, ex instigated the divorce, so I doubt that would work out somehow.

@Gripgru

Reading some of the replies, DP is doing what a lot of you are doing, which is making it about the offer itself. The reason I'm mad is not because DP is uncomfortable with leaving DD at ex's house, it's because he was rude about refusing, and also because he didn't allow for a discussion between us to happen in private.

Ex has texted me to say that he wasn't aware DP dislikes him. He's hurt, and I can see why. The conversation was light-hearted and if DP was so desperate to stake his claim there are any number of ways he could have phrased it that wouldn't have been upsetting. Even "no thanks" would have been fine. Instead he said "I don't think that's a good idea", which completely changed the tone of the conversation and insinuated that ex was somehow unfit to look after our daughter.

If ex would have told me that he doesn't think it's a good idea for DP to look after DS, in front of my DP, I would have been similarly mad and think he was trying to start something.

DP and ex are normally friendly. They are not mates or anything, but DP has offered ex a beer when he's round, or suggested they watch the football on TV together with DS a couple times.

DP is a bit antsy regarding lockdown and his precious daughter, and that is all fine. I'm not expecting him to agree to cart of DD to anyone if he's not comfortable. What I am expecting is for him not to be rude and create an awkward atmosphere between people who will have to talk to eachother regularly for the next 16 years or so, especially when nothing has happened to warrant that behaviour.

For those who said I should get back with ex, no thank you. I love DP and this isn't normal behaviour for him, hence I am not 100% sure I'm not being unreasonable. Also, ex instigated the divorce, so I doubt that would work out somehow.

Your ex is being very petulant. There’s no indication that your DP doesn’t like him - as you’ve said yourself, he’s offered him a beer before and socialised with him. You shouldn’t have to go reassuring and soothing his ego. I maintain, it’s highly irritating when someone makes a supposedly altruistic gesture and turns the refusal into being all about them.

You don’t need reasons to mistrust someone. You need reasons to trust them. Given that your daughter is very young and your ex hasn’t taken responsibility for her before, it’s a very reasonable refusal.

That being said, I agree that your partner could have been more tactful and discussed it with you. It sounds like a deep rooted impulsive reaction (for what reason we don’t know yet - he hasnt explained)

Tell them both to grow up.

Yeah, OP, I think you need to support your partner. He isn’t being precious. Perhaps he wasn’t very tactful. The way you talk about him isn’t great, tbh.

Support your partner. Your ex is bring manipulative IMHO - hurt feelings that he didn't get to have his offer accepted!

IMHO it is not a good idea and I think you orobably feel it too, fit bsby to be looked after by relative stranger. Use covid as an excuse if you wish (you do not need one).

Your do is friendly with ex, explain that, so it's fine.

Petulent ex can stew in his own juices.

Don't let this come between you and dp. No need to make dp feel bad for making a fair decision, all be it hastily expressed.

Sorry, typos!

.. IMHO it is not a good idea and I think you probably feel it too, for baby to ...

DP is a bit antsy regarding lockdown and his precious daughter, and that is all fine.

That’s a bit of a weird statement

Think your dp is being a twat
How nice of your ex to offer and nice for the siblings!
No wonder your ex is hurt, he did a nice think and your dp threw the offer back in his face

You can support your DP and sooth your ex’s ego by apologizing for your DPs lack of tact but then telling ex that people can have dramatically different ideas about suitable babysitters. If your DP is only comfortable with you and say, your mothers looking after baby at the moment then you could tell ex that. So that would also exclude lots of people he likes - all his mates, any brothers of his or yours, his kid sister - whoever it is. As a comparison, my MIL mentioned her youngest daughter (18) babysat a friend’s toddler recently and I told her straight that I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my toddler with SIL yet. I just don’t feel like that’s ok, SIL doesn’t seem mature enough or something. It might not be rational, and I can’t explain it in a way that sounds logical and not insulting. If SIL got pregnant tomorrow I’m sure she’d be a capable parent if she wanted to be. But there’s no point pretending I would agree to her babysitting my baby tatm and hopefully now MIL is aware she won’t suggest SIL as a babysitter for a few years.

I don't think the ex is being petulant at all.

If a Mumsnetter posted from the position that the ex was in, she'd get a ton of support. It's natural in any situation, to be hurt if you make a kind offer and it's rebuffed in a brusque and awkward way.

Expressing that hurt and worrying that the person doesn't like you isn't manipulative or petulant. It's a natural response, and I suggest that if it wasn't a man (especially an ex) who was troubled by it, they'd get a lot more sympathetic response.

If a Mumsnetter posted from the position that the ex was in, she'd get a ton of support.

She wouldn’t get a ton of supporting for mentioning she left in a huff after offering to take her ex’s 1 YO baby and then asking why, if she wasn’t allowed to take it, her ex’s partner was able to look after her children.

@Italiangreyhound No, I don't feel that way at all. If I was a single parent I would have sent DD on her way. I am not though, so if her dad isn't comfortable then that's fine.

@MindatWork This is DP's first baby, so he's understandably a bit protective of her? He doesn't treat DS differently, but DS isn't his and also wasn't a baby when they met so the baby thing is all new to him and the news is full of people getting ill and dying. It wasn't meant as something weird.