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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't want ex to babysit DD

282 replies

Gripgru · 12/11/2020 18:04

I have two DC, DS4 with my ex-husband, and DD1 with my current partner. I've been really exhausted with lockdown and I said something casually about not having any time to spend with DP, who was in the room at the time. Ex then offered to take DD with him as well next Saturday when he's picking up DS. I was about to thank him for that and say I'd think it over when DP told my ex he ''doesn't think that's a good idea".

I would have obviously had a conversation with DP first before agreeing to anything, but DP made the situation very uncomfortable when he said that. So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end.

I feel stuck in the middle. DP is telling me it's not appropriate, but I find it annoying that he told my ex that to his face when he was only trying to be nice. Before anyone asks, my relationship with ex wasn't abusive and we split amicably. AIBU to think that maybe DP should apologise for what he said? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 12/11/2020 22:22

I've often had ds2s younger brother over the years. He's now old enough to pop round on his own if he fancies seeing his brother /us and sometimes does in school holidays

TheDowagerDuchess · 12/11/2020 22:22

I know I’m massively high jacking but I’m interested by this:

How is the ex 'no relation' to the DD?? Of course he is. He is the father of her half brother. They are very much part of the same family! Some weird views on here!

My kids are about to have a sibling who is not my child (don’t like the expression half sibling). It’s difficult to know how, if at all, they are going to be related to me, or anything to do with me! I don’t say that as a mean person but more because i don’t want to push myself in where I’m not wanting (although as above I’m not in the market for looking after babies and toddlers!)

funinthesun19 · 12/11/2020 22:33

Funinthesun - if your kids have got half siblings whose mother is your ex's ex wife then it's a pretty sad view to consider they are not part of the same overall family. I would certainly consider the parents of a half sibling to be part of my wider family. It is not some third degree cousin but actually the parent of a half sibling.

We have very different views then.
My children have absolutely no relationship with their sibling’s mum nor will they ever. Why would they? They’ve probably forgotten what she looks like 🤷🏼‍♀️ The fact that they share a relative doesn’t mean they are relatives to each other.

Ideasplease322 · 12/11/2020 22:57

I have a wonderful friend who, while devastated, went the hospital with her daughter to visit the neW baby her ex had. She was then invited by the new gf’s family to a small family party and she went. Said it was the oddest night of her life - but the new baby’s grandparents said she was the mother of their grandson’s sister so was now family. They welcomed her and she couldn’t snub such a kind approach.

She has babysat the little boy a few times now, and sees him at family parties. It’s not easy - but her daughter has a little brother and her family got bigger.

She is my hero🥰

funinthesun19 · 12/11/2020 23:03

Why was she devastated? Confused

Candyfloss99 · 12/11/2020 23:12

@Ideasplease322

I have a wonderful friend who, while devastated, went the hospital with her daughter to visit the neW baby her ex had. She was then invited by the new gf’s family to a small family party and she went. Said it was the oddest night of her life - but the new baby’s grandparents said she was the mother of their grandson’s sister so was now family. They welcomed her and she couldn’t snub such a kind approach.

She has babysat the little boy a few times now, and sees him at family parties. It’s not easy - but her daughter has a little brother and her family got bigger.

She is my hero🥰

Why is she devastated? This doesn't sound healthy.
Ideasplease322 · 12/11/2020 23:45

Moshe was devastated because her reLationship had broken up and she always thought of her daughter had a sibling she would be the mum.

It was hard to see her ideal of a nuclear family not work out. It wasn’t what she had hoped for her life or her daughters. But that is how it worked out and she made the best of it.

HVing emotions is healthy. Dealing with them is healthy. Being mature is healthy

I don’t get why you want to be negative

Ideasplease322 · 12/11/2020 23:46

Sorry you have annoyed me - are you a qualified psychologist? Can you say what emotions are healthy?

Givemeabreak88 · 12/11/2020 23:46

Surprised by these comments! Very weird views. If I ever had a baby I wouldn’t let my ex baby sit, I’m with the dp on this one! I wouldn’t feel comfortable with it

SandyY2K · 12/11/2020 23:48

Those saying the OPs ex is not related to her DD....well her DP is not related to her DS. He's his mum's Boyfriend/Partner.....as they aren't married.

OP...perhaps you DP was taken aback and responded hastily. I can understand it probably felt a little weird, but the should have used some diplomacy.

It was a nice offer from your Ex. Not many people, especially men will volunteer to look after a 1 year old that's not their child....I mean seeing many threads on MN..there are plenty dads who won't even look after their own kids.

GabsAlot · 12/11/2020 23:50

yes i was goign to say op isnt married to dp so isnt realted to his son either so whats the difference

WaxOnFeckOff · 12/11/2020 23:52

But the Opening Post is nothing to do with the decision made, the OP isn't necessarily disagreeing or saying that her DP was wrong in terms of not wanting the ex to babysit. She is asking whether her DP should apologise to her ex for the way he responded to the offer which was rude an obviously implied to the ex that he was unsuitable and he was hurt.

Whether an apology would fix the dynamics of this I don't know but clearly the DP was in the wrong in his actions, the decision on whether to allow the babysitting is a completely separate thing.

Gloomandglow · 12/11/2020 23:56

My family is not typical on that my parents and stepparents are all good friends. My half brother used to come along to stay at my dad's with me and when my dad and stepmum had my half sister they asked my mum to be her godmother.

Growing up with parents who got on well and seeing us as one big family was the best thing I could have had. It's only now I realise it's not the norm but not once did I ever feel sad about my parents not being together. Even now I'm an adult they still hang out and have even been on holiday together.

For your DD to be able to go along with her brother she'll get to see that side of his life, they'll grow up closer and your son will less likely feel split between two families as he grows.

TicTacTwo · 12/11/2020 23:57

This is not about whether or not ex should babysit. It's about whether or not the partner should have been more tactful "Thanks for the offer but we have a babysitter organised soon" rather than using words like "bad idea" " not appropriate"

MiddlesexGirl · 13/11/2020 00:01

Too risky and just inappropriate really

Flabbergasted at how ready people are to make such insulting judgements. This is OPs ex - she knows him rather well I would say. For DP not to trust that her ex is safe would be ... yes .... very insulting. Hopefully that is not what he meant by it.

strawberrymelons · 13/11/2020 00:08

I have had the offer from stepsons mum to look after my DD (his sister) and would have accepted if needed.
It was when my DS was in hospital so she was just being kind/thoughtful. Didn't think much about it at the time as my mum was having her. But I'd have absolutely no problem with it at all. We get on, she's a nice person, DD knows her- why not?
So being in the same positing as OPs partner on this I think he was rude and I really don't get some people saying it's inappropriate.

Blueberries0112 · 13/11/2020 00:10

@MiddlesexGirl

Too risky and just inappropriate really

Flabbergasted at how ready people are to make such insulting judgements. This is OPs ex - she knows him rather well I would say. For DP not to trust that her ex is safe would be ... yes .... very insulting. Hopefully that is not what he meant by it.

We all thought we know someone. I was betrayed by someone who I thought was alright because he is a family member's father
ClaireP20 · 13/11/2020 00:27

A slightly different perspective, but I think your ex should spend his time alone with his own child, because their relationship is special and they should have that 121 time, just the two of them. Father and son.
I think that is important for a boy. I don't think he should get into the habit of taking your baby too.
Also, taking a 1 year old out without you for the day is a bit weird. I wouldn't want someone taking my 1 year old out without me. X

Shelby2010 · 13/11/2020 01:13

So people saying the ex isn’t a relation to DD..... do you consider your SIL, BIL, PIL to be related to you? After all they’re not your blood relations & if you split from your DH/DW there wouldn’t even be a legal tie. At least DD & ex share a common blood relative.

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 02:22

Your DP is right, and in his shoes I would agree with him.

It's a shame your ex made the offer in front of your dp and so your dp felt he needed to say straight away. I'd talk to your dp about why he feels this way if you want to but I would feel the same way and I don't think he needs to give you a reason.

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 02:26

'doesn't think that's a good idea". is really not rude.

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 02:27

"DP is telling me it's not appropriate" The DP is telling the OP it's not appropriate and not saying that to the ex.

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 02:36

Completely agree with BrummyMum1

"He just said he didn’t think it was a good idea, he didn’t tell your ex to fuck off and shove his offer up his arse. Just because your ex got offended doesn’t mean your DP did anything wrong. As a parent I reserve the right to jump in and immediately say when something doesn’t feel right for my child. My DH is allowed to do the same."

It is your ex who is out of place here, "So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end."

No, I would not want a petty, huffy man who is no relation to my child looking after my child just because he felt he had a right to!

Does your dp look after your older child? Is so, and your ex is OK with this, fine, if not and your ex has an issue with it then you look after him. I think you are totally wrong to take your ex's side in this and your dp is 100% right. Even if the offer was just a nice kind gesture, no one has the right to look after our kids just because they offer.

I can't get past the fact the ex was all huffy when his offer was rejected. That doesn't sound nice at all. I have offered to do things for others and if my offer is not taken up I am not huffy at all.

Redolent · 13/11/2020 02:50

@Shelby2010

So people saying the ex isn’t a relation to DD..... do you consider your SIL, BIL, PIL to be related to you? After all they’re not your blood relations & if you split from your DH/DW there wouldn’t even be a legal tie. At least DD & ex share a common blood relative.
The definition of a “relation” is someone you are connected to either by blood, or by marriage. That’s it. Not because you are both related to a mutual relative.
Tamingofthehamster · 13/11/2020 03:06

I don’t think your dp is being unreasonable

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