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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP doesn't want ex to babysit DD

282 replies

Gripgru · 12/11/2020 18:04

I have two DC, DS4 with my ex-husband, and DD1 with my current partner. I've been really exhausted with lockdown and I said something casually about not having any time to spend with DP, who was in the room at the time. Ex then offered to take DD with him as well next Saturday when he's picking up DS. I was about to thank him for that and say I'd think it over when DP told my ex he ''doesn't think that's a good idea".

I would have obviously had a conversation with DP first before agreeing to anything, but DP made the situation very uncomfortable when he said that. So ex got a bit petty and told DP he doesn't get the fuss as DP looks after DS all the time. He left in a bit of a huff in the end.

I feel stuck in the middle. DP is telling me it's not appropriate, but I find it annoying that he told my ex that to his face when he was only trying to be nice. Before anyone asks, my relationship with ex wasn't abusive and we split amicably. AIBU to think that maybe DP should apologise for what he said? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Tamingofthehamster · 13/11/2020 03:09

Continued..
Just tactless. I wouldn’t send my 1year old off for the weekend with an adult who she presumably hasn’t spent much time with, even if her dB is there too. I just can’t see the 1 year old being happy with a stranger, and I couldn’t do It just to ‘get some alone time’.

Flutter12 · 13/11/2020 06:19

Ideasplease322

This is lovely!

I wish more parents could be like this, there would be a lot less damaged children in the world if their parents tried to get along with each other better.

bengalcat · 13/11/2020 06:24

I’m with the ‘ your DP is a dick ‘ brigade . That was a kind offer and I would’ve accepted it .

Mittens030869 · 13/11/2020 06:46

The OP wasn’t actually going to say yes to her ex’s offer at that stage, she was going to thank him for suggesting it and get back to him. Her objection was that her DP was rude, which there was no need to be.

gungholierthanthou · 13/11/2020 07:02

A friend of mine had a DH that used to take his daughter's half sister out with them on the weekend sometimes, as his ex and her dp were both working and it helped them out. I used to think how lovely it was that they could all get on and it was really nice for the kids.

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 07:32

God, this thread is just ridiculous! The ex made a kind offer (yes), but when it was rebuffed he actually had a whining tantrum and walked out on the basis that his ex wife’s new partner looks after his kids (yes - because his ex wife lets that happen) but he doesn’t get to look after his ex wife’s child by her new partner. And people think this is normal? And positive? It shows a complete lack of understanding of his relationships and actual rights. To me, he sounds very immature. I think the DP’s instinct was spot on.

Candyfloss99 · 13/11/2020 07:38

@flaviaritt

God, this thread is just ridiculous! The ex made a kind offer (yes), but when it was rebuffed he actually had a whining tantrum and walked out on the basis that his ex wife’s new partner looks after his kids (yes - because his ex wife lets that happen) but he doesn’t get to look after his ex wife’s child by her new partner. And people think this is normal? And positive? It shows a complete lack of understanding of his relationships and actual rights. To me, he sounds very immature. I think the DP’s instinct was spot on.
Yes and he has a complete lack of boundaries. Thank goodness the DP is putting these in place.
TheFuckingDogs · 13/11/2020 07:39

Meh, I used to go on holiday with older siblings dad and his new family. Grew up thinking that was completely normal.
It’s gonna be one of those where to some it’s way normal and others it’s super weird

Newmumatlast · 13/11/2020 07:44

I wouldn't allow my SD's mum look after my DC but that's because I would have genuine concerns. In principle, I would have no issue with this anymore than I would a friend I knew well and trusted looking after my DC. The ex has a good point about your new partner looking after his child. I also think your partner could've been more polite. In his shoes, not wanting to accept, I would've said something like "that's very kind of you, thank you, we will consider it" and then after a reasonable period message to thank again but decline.

animalprintfree · 13/11/2020 07:44

A more polite refusal would have been better. However, people are assuming that the issue for OP's partner is the fact that the offer came from 'an ex'. The age (and gender?) of his child might be the reason for his reaction. Would many men let another man look after their 1year old daughter?

Newmumatlast · 13/11/2020 07:46

I should say for me it's not the declining the offer that is the issue but the lack of politeness in response

Newmumatlast · 13/11/2020 07:49

@animalprintfree

A more polite refusal would have been better. However, people are assuming that the issue for OP's partner is the fact that the offer came from 'an ex'. The age (and gender?) of his child might be the reason for his reaction. Would many men let another man look after their 1year old daughter?
This is a very good point. I would only allow that myself with a friend I knew very well. It doesnt sound like that is the case here. And actually I would only do that if desperate not just to have a break.

In principle, an ex being an ex wouldn't put me off. I would care about the extent to which I knew them and their parenting style, if I were happy with that, and the age of my DC.

For me this is less about the ex being an ex etc., and not about declining which is personal choice and a parental right, it's the rudeness

Sceptre86 · 13/11/2020 07:53

He is being irrational bit then I would likely feel the same way. He was being unreasonable to say it to his face and should have discussed it with you and then said, 'thanks but no thanks'.

It is hard with young kids to make time for your partner but having a good bedtime routine helps, assuming your partner or yourself don't work shifts. At least then you get the evenings to yourself. Maybe he didn't like that you were oversharing with the ex?

The existing offer was very nice though.

Thehop · 13/11/2020 08:08

My dads ex wife looked after me a few times as a kid. It was lovely of her, I think, and I’m very close to my half siblings as an adult.

My boys dad has offered to help with my dd a couple of times when he has the boys. I think it’s lovely, my dh thought it was a bit odd but would never have been rude to him as he agreed it was a lovely offer.

Your bf could have been much more polite and appreciative. Your ex was being lovely. Your dd isn’t his exes child, she’s his sons sister.

saraclara · 13/11/2020 08:15

he actually had a whining tantrum and walked out

No he didn't @flaviaritt, that's hyperbole on your part.

Angelina82 · 13/11/2020 08:22

Wow what a lovely offer from your ex! I personally wouldn’t allow it mainly because your DD is so young and she would have an impact on your DS’s quality time with his dad, but your partner is a dick for refusing a kind offer so bluntly. I think you should swap back to your original partner OP. 😂

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 08:27

saraclara

Maybe very slightly. But it’s a red flag for me.

Womencanlift · 13/11/2020 08:59

@flaviaritt

saraclara

Maybe very slightly. But it’s a red flag for me.

To me the red flag would be my partner being rude to someone I need to have a good relationship with and answering for me without any discussion
Cheeseandwin5 · 13/11/2020 09:02

@flaviaritt
when it was rebuffed he actually had a whining tantrum and walked out on the basis that his ex wife’s new partner looks after his kids (yes - because his ex wife lets that happen) but he doesn’t get to look after his ex wife’s child by her new partner.

So by your argument, The present partner should never be allowed to look after the ex kids or be alone with them. ( and before you say the Ex wife wouldn't let that happen, unless she doesn't bathe, shop sleep and just go out this will happen).
The ex made a kind offer, if the BF wanted to discuss this with the OP he should have (after all it is her who needs the break) and not be rude. There are no instincts here- unless you saying the OP is to stupid to realise if her ex is abusive- it is plain hypocrisy and territorialism. The BF is harming the relationships that exist and offering no solutions.
The worst thing is that its only the OP and the DC that will suffer

Simplyunacceptable · 13/11/2020 09:04

I wouldn’t be comfortable with it either so completely understand your DP’s perspective.

flaviaritt · 13/11/2020 09:10

The present partner should never be allowed to look after the ex kids or be alone with them.

No. That is not at all my argument. The present partner can look after the children who live with him because that is what his partner, with whom the children are resident at the time is happy with. It isn’t up to the ex whether that happens. This isn’t a quid pro quo. The decision-making asymmetric, because two of the three adults in this scenario are in an intimate relationship.

On the other hand, if the ex has a new partner, then that person also gets to look after the children, if the ex is happy with that when he has care of the children.

There is no part of this set up where the ex has some sort of right to care for the new partner’s child.

Italiangreyhound · 13/11/2020 09:12

Still cannot see how the OP's dp was being rude.

Still cannot think any of these posters would seriously let an unrelated man look after a one year old. Someone who probably has very little relationship with the baby and yet about 2/3rds here think it is a lovely offer. It's actually very sad you'd care so little for baby's comfort you'd hand her over to someone who she doesn't really know.

And yes 100% the ex had a little tantrum because he didn't get his way.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 13/11/2020 09:42

I hate the implication from some posters that ex is being inappropriate for offering - if this was a dad who had a 1yo with his partner and an older child with ex wife. In that case, if the ex wife offered to take the 1yo with her on a day out with their elder child no one would bat an eyelid.

The children are related, there are going to be times when all the parents will cross over and it's so much nicer when they get on and stuff like this can happen.

If your dp's worry is that dc is too young etc, that's fine but he doesn't need to be rude and he should be clear to you about exactly what his concerns are.

Whatlouisesaid2020 · 13/11/2020 09:48

I have 2 children with my ex and he has 1 child with his fiancé. I always babysit their child and I know if I had another child with my husband that they would do the same for me. I think it’s lovely that your ex offered to babysit!

SkedaddIe · 13/11/2020 09:48

DP has every right to refuse because practically the ex is an unrelated adult. The situation is not reversible because dp is cohabitating with OP or is a step parent to the DS and the reverse isn't true.

Emotionally though... I think they are equivalent, they're both father to one and connected via their dc to the other. Personally I would be offended by the outburst and the insinuations. I'd like to think I would show more restraint but truthfully I'd probably be worse and make a snarky comment like 'thieves have the biggest locks on their houses!'

I feel sorry for OP getting stuck in the middle of those two.