Family Christmas Drama - wwyd and who is BU?

[audreysmother]

There is a lot of back story here but doesn't actually affect or justify these events and would be too long to write down.

It is about my in-laws and I find the 'SIL, IL' etc. acronyms confusing so I am going to write the issue from DH's perspective, he wants everyone's opinion.

DB lives in a different country in the UK to us for work. DM/DDad, DS/BIL and DW and I all live equidistant in a triangle from each other. Last year on Christmas eve we saw an instagram post of DB, DM/DD at DS' with DN who was a baby, at a restaurant near DS' house celebrating Xmas (all spending the actual day separately that year). I kicked off as I thought it was harsh to find out via instagram that I hadn't been invited to a Christmas event and it felt very personal. DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day) she also said DB wasn't going to go and they had no idea what was happening. I left it after the argument but DM blamed DW (MEEEEE!!) for putting the idea in my head that my family treats me differently, which isn't true. This is the background I won't go into but it has always been said by aunts/uncles that I was treated differently/unwanted but we all had a good upbringing so it just gets dismissed.

DM accidentally has forwarded me an email that she is unaware of doing so (DS and I have the same email except the initial is different and next to each other on a keyboard). It is from DS sending DM a timetable of all the times DM is looking after DN and when DS is going to DM's. For the time leading up to Christmas it says 'DS hosting pre-Xmas with mum, dad and DB'.

This means that the exact same event is happening this year that we haven't been invited to. If we confront now, they'd invite us and it'd feel fake. So do we bide our time, see how it plays out and if the same occurs we finally have proof?

WWYD?

I wouldn't advocate any sort of hysterical kicking off but maybe speaking directly to everyone involved and ask "what gives?" and ask them if they intentionally exclude him-maybe it's a case of someone like a parent overruling their invitation-same thing happened with my mother towards SIL and I called her out on it and invited her so she'd know it wasn't condoned or approved by my husband and I

I’d be hurt too, especially as you’ve raised this before

My advice is leave them to it

They have shown you what they think and they know they have upset you and THEY DONT CARE.

I had this with my own mother, I gave her a chance, emailed her to explain my hurt and upset and got an email back saying “well, we were never that close..”.

So fuck em.

It’s not you, it really isn’t. (Well your dh) it’s them

I had therapy at the time and it really helped

Sounds like you/dh could benefit from the Stately Homes threads on relationships

@audreysmother I've read all your posts, I'm sorry your DH gets treated this way. At reading your first post I thought it was petty that you were thinking of 'biding your time' so you have a bit 'gotcha' moment when they never ultimately invite you - but having seen your post explaining the context of gaslighting your DH, I get it.

I would leave it a few weeks, talk to the PIL to discuss any plans of meeting up over Christmas and what is suggested. If it is clear that no invite to the whole family gathering will be forthcoming, don't mention it - you have your proof. If DH wants to say anything to his family, I would wait until after Christmas when emotions have settled a little.

More generally, it may be the case that DH just has to work on accepting that this is the way things are, sadly. You are his wife and should support him, make Christmas and other family occasions as special for your family unit as possible. Make plans with friends and, if your DH likes your family, do more with them etc.

@GameSetMatch

I think I’m misunderstanding but I don’t see anything wrong with your in-laws spending time with one of theirs children’s family to celebrate before Christmas? As long as they do something with you as well does it matter? You see them Boxing Day and DB sees them pre Christmas.

My parents spend Boxing Day with us and New Years with my brother I don’t care I’m not invited on New year and I’m pretty sure my DB isn’t bothered either.

there's three children.

All but one child was invited to an event meant to be their family version of Christmas. It isn't just seeing one set of children. We told them we were available.

Maybe it was an Invite? I would certainly treat it as one. Reply that you and the family would love to come and thanks for the invite ( then sit back with popcorn and don't forget to say loudly on the day what a good tradition and let's do it again next year )

Oh and don't forget to copy DS in

If you send it back saying I think this was for X or I think I was sent this in error they will accuse him of being petty or any other negative word you like to use, they won't admit it was sent in error.

I'm sorry for your husband, it's a very hurtful situation. The only thing he can control here is his own reaction. Therapy for him until he can accept this situation with calm indifference is the only way to proceed. And don't bother engaging with his family further, a dynamic like this is difficult to change, and impossible if the others don't even acknowledge it exists.

Your poor husband. I would ignore it, see if they invite you. I wouldn't bother trying to plan anything with them. If they come looking for dates to meet. Just give them a list of days including Christmas Eve.
As you say, this is more about your DH getting proof so that he can protect himself int he future.

Just ignore and focus on making new memories. My DM and DF have zero interest in me. What can I do? Just spend my time and energy on those who are interested in me. Life is short. Spend time with them at other times and enjoy it. Who really knows why they act as they do.

DH family is somewhat the same. They never invite him to things and when he used to pull them up on it they'd just brush it off as 'they didn't think to ask him' or thought he wouldn't want to go.

As hard as it was to accept it he's much happier now he's stopped trying to force a close relationship with them, he had to concede it just isn't there.

This family ofbhis? Expecting gifts at Christmas are they?

I’d imagine printing off the email and framing it and giving each of them one to keep might be the most creative

Or nowt. Not a sausage and leave them to work out why.

Honestly they’re not worth your time

Just so hurtful. I do not think confronting them or telling them you have ‘proof’ is going to get you what you want ie an admission of culpability. I think just email saying “You forwarded this to me by mistake” and then just withdraw. The only way to not be hurt by them is to not give them the chance. So sorry for your dh.

Let it pan out and see what happens......and then turn up to ‘drop something off quickly’ or go to the pub they’d go to and then feign surprise that they are all together and you haven’t been invited.

If they say it was spur of the moment/coincidence then I’d calmly and politely advise them that you know it’s not, you saw the Mail, it’s been planned for weeks and ask “what’s the problem with us?” Have it out face to face.

No need to be nasty/rude. Take the upper hand.

I have can't understand the op at all. But from other posts it seems you're being excluded...

I'm not adverse the kick off actually 😂it has its place. There will be an almighty kick off one over my in laws.. But in your case I'm not sure what it would achieve.

It's not going to suddenly make them like you and want to include you. What does your dh want? To be included?.. Work it out what you both want and go from there.

Personally I'd rather keep my dignity and carry on and have a fab time without them..

I can see why you both feel hurt. I think your DH needs to either have a calm chat with his family about feeling excluded and ask how you can spend more time all together. Or accept the situation for what it is, move on and make your own fun.

it's a hard one - but your DH has to learn to accept that his 'family' don't really see him as an equally valued member of 'the family'.

Things won't change, they'll carry on twisting everything around back on you both whenever you 'catch them out' or confront them.

They may be related by blood but bonds are made from the heart....

can you just say, what's the plan for Christmas? do you want to see each other. the end.

That sounds awful, I think that it is time for your DH to walk away from this hurt. It is not worth it.

My SIL and family are not invited to everything because no one likes her... she’s dishonest and only out for herself.
I’m not saying that anyone feels this about you but maybe you don’t all get on as well as you think?

It’s very hurtful but all you can do is reflect and try and build relationships with individuals in the family. Then invite those you feel comfortable with to get together and try and find something each of you would enjoy,

I'm really sorry that your DH has this treatment from his family @audreysmother. It is really upsetting.
I know how it feels as my family treat me the same - I have one sibling who is the extreme favourite. I used to blame myself. I have had therapy and I now understand/can rationalise why they exclude me. Sometimes it still hurts but generally it doesn't bother me anymore, I have accepted it. You can't change them, and trying to be included/ accepted could be damaging to his mental health. I don't believe that people who behave like this would ever admit it. My parents certainly don't. And I recognise the gaslighting aspect.
As others have said I would concentrate on living your best lives - what do you want Christmas to be like, what family traditions do you want to start? Have contact with them in a way that your husband is comfortable with and possibly lower your expectations of them.

Your DH is right to be hurt. It’s not 100% clear who is the main driver of this behaviour though - it sounds like his sister, but perhaps it’s his mum. His dad sounds absent in all of it. He doesn’t get on with his brother.

What’s his relationship like with his sister independent of his parents? What’s his relationship like with his parents independent of his siblings?

If it’s that he makes no effort himself but wants to be included, that’s tricky.

If it’s that he makes lots of effort and always initiated contact but is snubbed, that’s simple.

In this scenario I’d send the email back with a “wrong email address, Mum”, draw no attention to the Christmas Eve thing and make no effort to arrange to meet up either.

It’s truly horrible and like gaslighting as you say. Perhaps counselling or therapy would help as honestly that sort of lifelong treatment as ‘inadequate’ can be quite harmful on many areas of life.
I would probably write a letter to the family explaining how hurtful this behaviour is and if they care about you at all not to deny it as you have clear proof but to explain why. No drama or kicking off or threats just an explanation. I would also speak to the aunts/uncles for their opinion as informed but not involved as much.

This sounds so bad. I'd keep out of it. You won't be able to change his family dynamics. And don't depend or count on them for this kind of event. Get together with your side of the family. If they invite you attend if you feel like but take it as a work do. Be sociable but don't mistake them for friends. These people don't care much for your family