Family Christmas Drama - wwyd and who is BU?

[audreysmother]

There is a lot of back story here but doesn't actually affect or justify these events and would be too long to write down.

It is about my in-laws and I find the 'SIL, IL' etc. acronyms confusing so I am going to write the issue from DH's perspective, he wants everyone's opinion.

DB lives in a different country in the UK to us for work. DM/DDad, DS/BIL and DW and I all live equidistant in a triangle from each other. Last year on Christmas eve we saw an instagram post of DB, DM/DD at DS' with DN who was a baby, at a restaurant near DS' house celebrating Xmas (all spending the actual day separately that year). I kicked off as I thought it was harsh to find out via instagram that I hadn't been invited to a Christmas event and it felt very personal. DM had mentioned going to DS' but had said it was purely to see her and the baby before Xmas (we were seeing DM/DD boxing day) she also said DB wasn't going to go and they had no idea what was happening. I left it after the argument but DM blamed DW (MEEEEE!!) for putting the idea in my head that my family treats me differently, which isn't true. This is the background I won't go into but it has always been said by aunts/uncles that I was treated differently/unwanted but we all had a good upbringing so it just gets dismissed.

DM accidentally has forwarded me an email that she is unaware of doing so (DS and I have the same email except the initial is different and next to each other on a keyboard). It is from DS sending DM a timetable of all the times DM is looking after DN and when DS is going to DM's. For the time leading up to Christmas it says 'DS hosting pre-Xmas with mum, dad and DB'.

This means that the exact same event is happening this year that we haven't been invited to. If we confront now, they'd invite us and it'd feel fake. So do we bide our time, see how it plays out and if the same occurs we finally have proof?

WWYD?

They have made it clear where they stand. You are trying to hard, in my opinion, to try and make them change their minds.
I'd be quite tempted tojust leave them to it. Make you own plans and turn them down whenever they invite you.

I think they’re being very shitty and out of order. I wouldn’t say anything about the email yet and bide your time. At some point soon they will mention Christmas but I’d let them do it and take it from there. I think I’ll be so annoyed that if they wanted to come to me for Christmas I would say yes but I’d Covid symptoms at the last minute

My family dynamic is so different to that expressed on mn. In real life everyone I kmow, myself included, would be so upset if our parents arranged something over Christmas with all our siblings but not us.

No, it isnt ok to prefer one sibling over the over once they've all reached adulthood. So glad I dont belong to a majority of these families.

MIL prefers SIL to DH. As such we dont spend much time with them. My parents treat the 3/4 (divorced parents) of us all exactly the same. We all do things individually with our parents but very rarely with just one left out. It would be because they couldnt make it rather than they were excluded.

YANBU to feel hurt. I would disengage to be honest. I dont think dynamics like this ever change.

I somehow missed one of your posts. I see now that your DH is the middle child. With that dynamic and all the background family drama, his family are never going to be able to do enough to make him feel valued and wanted. Trying to force them into it through gathering 'evidence' is both immature and doomed to failure. Rather than wasting energy working out when they booked a meal a year ago and when others were invited let them live their lives. Your DH should continue with his therapy and perhaps ask if there are any sessions you can attend with him. You're enabling his unhealthy obsession and poor boundaries.

Family relationships can be so complicated.

If I were your DH I would respond to that e-mail by saying 'hi Mum, I see you're all settled for Christmas. What a shame, I got an unexpected bonus this year and Audrey and I have decided to go to Hawaii for Christmas. We were going to ask you and Dad to come with us - our treat.' Never mind, I'm sure you will have a great time with the family.' When she comes grovelling, tell her you had to cancel because of work commitments.

I think it's bad enough for a sister to leave you out of events but unforgivable for a parent to do so.

Dear OP , if I got the story right , they have excluded you and your family again.
Step away from this nonsense.
Reply to your Mother, this email was sent to me in error. No other remarks or comments.
Make sure you have the best Christmas you can have with your family and if numbers allow, some friends.
There is a saying along the lines of , the best revenge you can have is to enjoy your life .
Good luck

I’m sorry but your DH is basically the black sheep in the family. It looks like his mum is still resentful she was pregnant with him. :(

I don’t think anything will change.

Your DH needs to make a decision there. To carry in fighting to have a relationship with his parents and siblings. Or to step back and o low contact with them whilst concentrating in his family with you.
Yes he could bring it to the table and have it out etc... But I don’t think it’s going to change anything tbh

I voted YABU because what law says every member of the family must be treated exactly the same and invited to everything?

The fact is, maybe they don’t want your company for whatever reason. Once you’re a grown adult you can choose who you socialise with and so can your siblings and parents.

When my DM was alive, I’d check with my siblings whether they wanted to invite her for Xmas to ensure she didn’t spend the day alone but I’d never assume that whoever hosts DM should host everyone.

That’s plain unreasonable.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just get on with living your best life.

Some really useful replies. I quite like the suggestion of replying with 'great, see you there!' Give it a few days of either excuses or embarrassed silence and then reply again with 'actually, we can see you sent this by mistake, and at least we know where we stand now' then have no more contact at least till Christmas is over. No presents, no hosting, no nothing. The advantage of always being blamed for things (which your husband will be) is that you have nothing to lose in behaving in the way people expect you to anyway! You WILL be the bad guys to them. Embrace it and turn your backs on them. But get counselling for your husband too.

I would not mention it now. They can easily make an excuse - it’s provisional, we haven’t got round to inviting you yet etc.. and your DH will never know the truth. I’d wait and then try and find out whether it does go ahead with you - FaceTime them at the crucial moment? Then you’ll know for sure.

Having been shunned from a far more momentous occasion recently and kicking up a fuss about it, I can safely assure you that I wish I had not opened my mouth at all and just let them act like cunts as the fall-out is just not worth it. I'm not on speaking terms with 50% of my family now. One of the casualties is my relationship with my ds, so it was not worth it to bring it up in my case as it caused an unholy war.

Many years ago I worked in an office where one person invited everyone except two of us to her home for a "party". The other uninvited person was a newbie, However I had done quite a few favours for the hostess. I has also invited her to a special meal for my birthday the previous year.

Each day I heard the others talking about the arrangements and waited for my invite but it never came. Of course I knew the time and place of the venue so I decided to teach them a lesson about courtesy and hospitality. I turned up on the doorstep with a bottle of wine. There were a few akward moments when I arrived and the hostess looked very surprised and sheepish.

Of course I was asked in and no-one said anything to my face. If they had I had already rehearsed saying something like "Oh dear, I just assumed it was an open invitation hearing everyone talking about the arrangements. It would never occur to me be so rude as to invite everyone and just leave out one person."

I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, it’s downright unpleasant- but as a PP said, you can’t change their behavior, only your reaction to it.

Make your own Christmas plans from now on and don’t feel obliged to include them. You also don’t need to go out of your way for them at other times if you don’t want to. 💐

I would just calmly respond to his mother pointing out her mistake. And then try to focus on other things

I'd do this too.

They sound ghastly, I wouldn’t want to spend Christmas with them,

@dolphinpose

We had to leave as DH's work would consider it gross misconduct.

Could this be why they haven't invited you? They think you are being too precious about sticking to safety guidelines(you're not!) and it makes them feel uncomfortable about ignoring them?

Yup, think this is why...

So what happens if your dh gets 'proof'?
Is he likely to accept whatever reasons they get be for their behavior, or is he already decided what their response should be?

Given we going through a pandemic, they might find they have to cancel their plans as surely they'll be a limit on numbers of individuals or number of families on any one day.

@Shuddawuddacudda

Having been shunned from a far more momentous occasion recently and kicking up a fuss about it, I can safely assure you that I wish I had not opened my mouth at all and just let them act like cunts as the fall-out is just not worth it. I'm not on speaking terms with 50% of my family now. One of the casualties is my relationship with my ds, so it was not worth it to bring it up in my case as it caused an unholy war.

I've worried about saying too much for that reason to my family- but at same time you say nothing at all everyone starts to assume it's fine to leave you out of things.

So I suppose it depends what outcome is wanted and what's at stake.

If it's already a poor relationship are you risking that much by saying anything but do you really want to spend more time with them given how the seem to feel.

@BlueJava Isn't that a bit of blame the victim? Are you not aware of dysfunctional family dynamics,or are you just fortunate not to have personally experienced such a situation?

You lost me at * I kicked off*

You could reply “thanks for the invite but we’ve got plans that day already” I’d do that because I’m proud

@TheCrowsHaveEyes

I somehow missed one of your posts. I see now that your DH is the middle child. With that dynamic and all the background family drama, his family are never going to be able to do enough to make him feel valued and wanted. Trying to force them into it through gathering 'evidence' is both immature and doomed to failure. Rather than wasting energy working out when they booked a meal a year ago and when others were invited let them live their lives. Your DH should continue with his therapy and perhaps ask if there are any sessions you can attend with him. You're enabling his unhealthy obsession and poor boundaries.

crows do you have a sibling you treat like this by any chance? From both of your posts you seem to have great contempt for someone being affected by this, and a belief that it's their fault?

No I don't think it's victim blaming at all @EKGEMS. Each one of us can only control ourselves and our reactions to others - we can't control others however hard we might try.

Any situation is going to be inflamed if the OP "kicks off " as she says. In that sort of dynamic I believe the only reasonable option is to back off and do your own thing. Certainly if my PIL or BIL/SIL arranged a family event and we weren't invited I wouldn't worry. If I wanted my own thing with PILs I'd arrange it, or if you'd like everything together send suggest something where everyone is involved and organise.