To tell a lie to my friend?

[itsxmas]

Two weeks ago my friend asked to borrow £20 till she got paid (on Monday )
Sunday night she text saying ASOS had a make up bag she wanted and it's £12 but they had 20% off so it was only £9.60 but the discount would end by the time she got paid the following day and would I order it and she would transfer it with the £20.
I said that's fine and ordered it.
Monday morning I woke up to a text
"Hi I've transferred the £20 I owe you but il sort the rest out the next time I see you as I get confused ha ha"
That's what she says when she isn't going to pay (she plays the confused card)
Seen her on Tuesday and she said
"Oh god I feel stupid saying this but I've just been to Asda and got too spendy and thought I was rich and now I've spent all my spare money am I ok to sort it out next month"
Obviously all I could say was yeah sure.
She won't,it will end up being a gift from me.
It's always the amounts under £10 she never pays.
I always think it's only £5 or it's only £4 but it all adds up.
Anyway the make up bag is due today.
Aibu to say the parcel didn't arrive and it must be missing then return it?
I know that sounds sneaky and underhand but I'm sick of it.

@MrsSpringfield

What else does she owe you for? Ask her for it.. 'Hi friend. Your bag arrived! I know you said you were confused so I worked it out for you.. it was £10 so you owe me £10, plus £.... for the last item & still the £... from before for the...,. Makes sense to get it all straightened out first and then pop over for the bag. '

This!!!

Bet she doesn’t get ‘confused’ and pay you back twice does she?

Thought not.

She’s not a friend, she’s taking advantage of you and being manipulative in the process.

Tell her that no, you’ll be sending the bag back since she doesn’t respect you enough to pay for it.

And don’t be bothered by her reaction. Nobody needs ‘friends’ like that.

You wouldn’t hear from her as much anyway if you stopped being her human cash machine.

@PurpleDaisies

You need to stand up for yourself. You are being taken for a mug.

Tell her the real situation-you’re fed up with her treating you like her personal bank-and return the bag unless she pays you.

I’d send a message like...
I know I said it was ok to pay me later but it really isn’t. This borrowing money and not repaying me has to stop or it’s going to ruin our friendship. I’m happy to return the make up bag but I won’t be keeping it unless you transfer the money as you said you would. Please don’t ask to borrow any more in the future. I’m going to say no and it will be awkward.

This, definitely.

Don't sink to her level and tell lies.

Be straight, Tell her the bag has arrived, and you;re going to return it. because she hasn't paid. She is never to ask you for money again.

Then stop being such a sucker.

She's not your friend, OP

Please read this part again:

"Oh god I feel stupid saying this but I've just been to Asda and got too spendy and thought I was rich and now I've spent all my spare money am I ok to sort it out next month"

Imagining this is true, first course of action of a decent human is to pop back to Asda and return the things she couldn't afford, to repay her valued friend.
Instead, she firmly believes that you'll be happy to accept that she's treated herself with both her money (in Asda), and yours too.

She's making idiotic excuses to rip you off for a make-up bag that she clearly doesn't need.
It's basically a legal alternative to shoplifting, and she has discovered that there are no consequences at all.

Please value yourself enough to stop this abusive behaviour.

I’m not being funny, but how many times do you have to post about this and ask for advice before you take the advice given? She’s taking you for a mug and you’re letting her!

Adding my voice to those saying please send @PurpleDaisies' message, @itsxmas - do it now, then you can ignore your phone until you finish work. I would also be tempted to add something along the lines of;

"You probably don't realise, but over the years, you have borrowed £X amount from me, in small amounts, and not repaid it. I can't afford this."

Frankly - if she takes the hump and falls out with you, she was never a true friend.

OP I guarantee you've given her the purse by now haven't you?

Op do you just enjoy posting threads and having hundreds of people saying the same thing? I was gonna write a huge comment but then thought well what's the point! Everyone told you on the other threads to STOP LENDING HER MONEY it's really that simple. You're being a mug and if you do nothing about it then you will continue to be used and treated like shit.

Keep it and say it didn't arrive. It's in your name so she can't chase it up. Give it as a present to someone she will never meet. If she asks you to reorder say, once she gives you the money.

For goodness sake it is your property. You ordered and paid for it. She can go whistle. Don't loan her a penny more, she's just taking the piss now

I’d reply just saying “oh what a shame, I only ordered it because you said you’d pay me back immediately, I’ll have to return it as all my money is already accounted for this month too” Bet she magically transfers the money before you return it!

Stop giving her money !!!
Return the bag...

See you again next month when you've again been taken advantage of...

The reason she keeps on asking you is because

1. She KNOWS that you are a people pleaser and she also knows just how uncomfortable you would feel saying no to her or asking for the money back.

1. She quite literally banks on your good nature.

1. She has absolutely no qualms about being a blood sucking leach.

1. She is all about what she can get out of others.

What you have to question though is why on Earth you would want to be friends with someone who knowingly takes and takes from you whilst knowing that you are too polite/embarrassed/awkward/nice to ask to be paid back!!!
She is clearly using you and taking advantage of you and your nature.
She is not a friend she is a well seasoned CF.
People like her bank on your uncomfortableness. Please learn this lesson.
You have absolutely no reason to feel bad about asking for the money, however you need to be comfortable with being uncomfortable!
It's something I learned a long time ago and it has made me much stronger. I have no problem calling someone out when I need to now.

OP can you lend me a few quid?

@Pumpkinpied

See you again next month when you've again been taken advantage of...

These things seem easy when you are not the OP. For some people, including me, it is a huge effort to carry out strategies such as suggested above, effective though they may be. It's frightening to face an unknown response.

Perhaps one day one of your threads will give you the courage, OP.

”These things seem easy when you are not the OP. For some people, including me, it is a huge effort to carry out strategies such as suggested above, effective though they may be. It's frightening to face an unknown response.”

I think you are right, @TheSilveryPussycat - I hope that the support from here will help the OP become more assertive, but I appreciate it is a lot easier for us to tell her what she needs to do than it is for her to do it.

I’ve said it before, but I think we need a MN hit squad, that could go and tell people off for MNers who are having difficulties - they could call in the hit squad, and we could make interfering in-laws back off, tell bullying colleagues to pack it in, read disruptive neighbours the riot act - and tell the OP’s friend what a cheeky fucker she is.

Motto of the hit squad - Zero Fucks Given.

I'll join that hit squad!

To put it kindly OP, she will keep on doing this because your actions show her it's ok to do so when she does do it. So no, it won't 'deffo' be the last time, because she'll ask you in a different way, in a different scenario.

There are different ways to nip this in the bud:

1. Simple but maybe too hard as a first time assertive person 'Dear friend, I have returned bag as you have a habit of not paying' (Hard but guaranteed results as to non repeat offense!)
2. Dear friend, you can have the bag when you transfer (also a bit tricky with your relationship dynamic)
3. Say nothing. Return bag. When asked be vague for ages 'i don't know where bag is.' 'Yes I'll check with them' (don't). After lots of follow up (weeks) then you find out the bag went out of stock..oops. This is probably the easiest, will take longer and need repeating but will ultimately get you results. With repeat requests for new items/money go vague/forget to reply/take ages to reply saying you'll let her know - and then don't. In short make it difficult for her, as it's currently all to easy, eventually she will stop and you'll have avoided having to be direct.

With new friends saying no can do from the start will save you a world of pain but this can be reversed. You'll also discover if she's a good friend without the cash injections!

Perfect reply @Jeezoh

@Jeezoh

I’d reply just saying “oh what a shame, I only ordered it because you said you’d pay me back immediately, I’ll have to return it as all my money is already accounted for this month too” Bet she magically transfers the money before you return it!

This.

This 'friendship' is costing you money. Is that really better than standing up for yourself and saying no?

What is honestly the worst thing that could happen if you say no to her next time? I'd be willing to bet its nowhere near as bad as you think and you'll wish you'd done it sooner.

What would you say if something happened in your life that genuinely meant you couldn't lend (give) her a fiver? Would you be able to say no then?

Allocate the funds to something you want/need (in your head). And every time someone asks to borrow money from you, imagine that you are just depleting those funds and not getting them back. It's perfectly ok not to pay for your friends taxis/pyjamas/make-up bags every week

OP, did you ever get the taxi money and the £5 for the clothes she wanted to buy her mum from Primark? Somehow I doubt it.

When you're telling (not asking) her to transfer the make up bag money, tell her the £8 (and state clearly her £3 share of the taxi plus the £5 trousers) is also to be paid so she needs to transfer a total of £17.60.

Be clear. Be polite. Be firm. No sorry's, no "I'm afraid.." no "Could you please...?". Be nice and straight as, well, you know she can get so confused, right?

Anything further back that she owes I would probably write off unless it's a very clear, specific amount lent to her, or she will claim no knowledge of it.

That said, if she even starts to try to get out of the £17.60 then start listing off the monies you've paid out as far back as you can recall. She needs to know there is actually a financial cost to you that you're sick of bearing.

And never have any spare money as far as she is concerned again!

When she asks, laugh and say, "Ha ha! Not likely pal! You know you'll never pay me back!"