To tell a lie to my friend?

[itsxmas]

Two weeks ago my friend asked to borrow £20 till she got paid (on Monday )
Sunday night she text saying ASOS had a make up bag she wanted and it's £12 but they had 20% off so it was only £9.60 but the discount would end by the time she got paid the following day and would I order it and she would transfer it with the £20.
I said that's fine and ordered it.
Monday morning I woke up to a text
"Hi I've transferred the £20 I owe you but il sort the rest out the next time I see you as I get confused ha ha"
That's what she says when she isn't going to pay (she plays the confused card)
Seen her on Tuesday and she said
"Oh god I feel stupid saying this but I've just been to Asda and got too spendy and thought I was rich and now I've spent all my spare money am I ok to sort it out next month"
Obviously all I could say was yeah sure.
She won't,it will end up being a gift from me.
It's always the amounts under £10 she never pays.
I always think it's only £5 or it's only £4 but it all adds up.
Anyway the make up bag is due today.
Aibu to say the parcel didn't arrive and it must be missing then return it?
I know that sounds sneaky and underhand but I'm sick of it.

Oh my god it's the taxi woman!!! OP I'm sorry but you are being a complete mug - everyone told you last time to stop lending her money and I cannot for the life of me understand why on earth you still are?!

I remember that incident if it is the same OP

I've just browsed through the taxi thread.
She is a cheeky fucker and will continue to be like this until you put a stop to it.
Make a stand now. She's using you.

Be straight with her. Personally I'd give her the bag I'd tell her you are forgetting the payment you want a clean slate of no more lending otherwise it'll be in a constant cycle.

Definitely don't give it to her as a Christmas present, I can't believe people are suggesting that, as pp said it's just rewarding her bad behaviour.

A simple I shall just return it, you seem to confuse easily and I am constantly out of pocket. I remember the taxi incident.

Read back your own replies to your previous thread

This is a direct quote from your last post of that thread

She was paying for her stuff with her bank card and said she would give me the £5 as she gets confused easy.
I don't think il ask for what she owes as it would probably turn into a massive drama.
I think she probably had the money to start with she just didn't want to pay for the taxi herself.
Anyway you live and learn don't you.

I mean this kindly, but you haven't learned OP, she is still doing it and you are still letting her.

Therefore you have 2 options - either let her keep doing it but don't keep moaning about it OR say "no, I can't lend you any money" if you want to be kind about it, you could soften it by saying "sorry, I don't have it to lend"

Don't give it as a present!

It will just make her think next time if she plays the skint card you'll take pity on her and give it her anyway.

Don't forget to charge her for the delivery on top of £9.60 if you do ask her to pay. If you send it back remind her that she still owes you the delivery charge.
Going forward don't agree to any activity unless she has enough and more to fund herself. She's not a person who understands how friendship works really, but you already know that from the last thread. I'm sorry this is happening to you. Good luck

I have a 'friend' like this.
Asks me to.pick her up something when she knows I'm out shopping but never has any money when I drop the item off for her.
Thing is, she gives me the odd item her DD had grown out off for my DD so I feel really uncomfortable asking for the money she owes.
She knows what she's doing and if I ask for the fiver or whatever she will say "well I gave you them shoes for dd" and make me look like a cf for asking!
After last time I've decided not to tell her when I go shopping and to be vague.
I also won't accept another thing offered ,( I never wanted items anyway. Was pushed always into accepting).
Last week she asked me to order her something online but I said I didn't have the funds.
In your situation I'd just say it hadn't come and I'd send it back tbh.
I'd start being mindful of your interaction with her. Like mine, your friend doesn't sound like a very good one.

@violetbunny

What a CF. I would tell her she can have it when you have the money for it. If she gets "confused" then just say you'll check how much it says on the receipt in the bag. If you don't have the money in a week then I'd absolutely send it back. And don't ever loan her money again.

This in bucketloads the cheeky fucker!

I’d personally hold the bag hostage until she pays what she owes.

1 - tell her it’s arrived and you want the money first as if she doesn’t have it you need to return it because you need the money.

2- tell her it’s arrived and you’re keeping it

3- give her it as a gift and tell her you won’t be lending her anymore money because you never get it back.

And most importantly - stop lending her money then posting about it on Mumsnet. It’s not the first time you’ve posted and doubt it will be the last. Stop doing it If you’re just going to complain every time.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Make a stand today, otherwise she will never change. “I don’t have the spare money for this bag, can you pay me today else I will need to return it” is all you need to say. Just ignore if she starts making excuses or getting stroppy.

Just stop lending her money?

Please put some boundaries in place OP. At this point, this isn't a real friendship, she's using you and you need need to be firm about it. I used to people please all the time but it just ended up with me out of pocket and none of those supposed friends stuck around when I went through a difficult period, just my reliable, solid friends who would never dream of taking advantage like that. Since then I'm much firmer about what I will and won't put up with and I'm quick to call people out if they're taking the piss. Generally, it doesn't cause drama. Piss takers know they're doing it and when they're called out on it they're usually embarrassed and give back the money/item/whatever it is.

Just a simple "Hi X, I'm unsure what's confusing about it. You owe me £20 + £9.60 for the bag. So £29.60 in total. Please send the remaining £9.60 over for the bag today and come and collect it whenever suits. Otherwise I'm going to the Post Office today and will return it if you can't afford it any more as I don't need it."

And then do just that. Say no because she doesn't pay you back in time if she asks to borrow money again. There's no need to lie, you're in the right here and she's being a crap friend. Putting some boundaries in place now will mean you shouldn't have these kinds of incidences to worry about again with her. I think we're often all too worried about calling other people out on their shit behaviour, but it's really obvious she's the one in the wrong here so don't be afraid to stand up for yourself.

I think she’s taking the piss. I do understand all the posts saying talk to her but if I’m honest I wouldn’t like the confrontation so I’d do what you suggest and say it didn’t arrive.

Whatever you do, don’t give her the bag without payment!

"Hey friend! Your bag has arrived, I'll hold onto it until you can send X amount over."

And then practice saying "No". You don't need to give a reason just say "No" or "No I'm not lending you more money." If she gets pissed off & stops speaking to you then you know she wasn't a good friend.

If she genuinely doesn't have £10 why is she buying things she doesn't need and how does she buy essential items like food??
Sound like she's taking you for a mug. Don't lend her another penny.

I wouldn’t hold onto it for her for longer than a couple of days tbh- she might delay payment so that you miss the returns window.

“Hi x, the bag is here. I’ll keep it until Saturday for you, but I’ll return it if you haven’t paid me by then. My bank details are: xyz”

You’ve posted about her before- this is who she is. Enough is enough now.

I suspect you’re scared to stand up for yourself because you fear that your relationship with her is conditional on you continuing to lend her money.

You need to stop buying her friendship and put your foot down. If that means she ditched you and moves onto the next mug, she was never a true friend.

Write down a list of what she owes you and ask her to pay you back.

Stop lending her money. As it seems you can't say no you need to have some handy little excuses up your sleeve ready to use when she asks.

eg) you know I would normally offer to help but I am low on funds at the moment so can't help. Sorry.

Really sorry - I got spendy too !!. Just seems we will have to window shop for today.

So. Or only are you paying for it it's presumably being delivered to you via your account?!?

Just send her a message 'hi, given you are so short of money this month, do you want the make up bag as your Christmas present, or shall I return it?'

@itsxmas

Have you name changed?
Because I remember that thread, and it was only a week or two back, and the situation was ridiculous then.

Stop funding her cheeky lifestyle. At this point frankly, you only have yourself to blame as she's doing it so often, and you know exactly what the score is. The only way to stop this is to stop acting as her cashpoint on a weekly basis

OP, like many women, you seem to find it hard it hard to enforce boundaries and to say no.

Perhaps have a think about why this is so. Then practise saying no. When learning Assertiveness Skills, it is best to practice in situations with less emotional impact. Taking easy steps to becoming a woman who can say no in all situations.

Actually practising the words out loud beforehand can be helpful. Maybe with a different friend or family member. If that's not possible do it in front of a mirror. Get your mouth and brain used to the word.

With your friend, if you cannot do it face to face, a text could be more comfortable.

Don't just send it back without warning her. That's not fair. Tell her you need the money or you will send it back. Give her a deadline. A short deadline. After that use the broken record technique and repeat your needs rather than getting drawn into debate. If she argues back, asks for it anyway, asks for more time etc.

Lying and being fuzzy will not stop this pattern of behaviour. Being clear about your needs whilst being respectful of yours will be effective. If this is a real friendship of value, she will respect you and it will be a better friendship for that. You won't be silently resenting her and she won't be looking on you as a piggy bank.

A good book on the subject is A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson.