To tell a lie to my friend?

[itsxmas]

Two weeks ago my friend asked to borrow £20 till she got paid (on Monday )
Sunday night she text saying ASOS had a make up bag she wanted and it's £12 but they had 20% off so it was only £9.60 but the discount would end by the time she got paid the following day and would I order it and she would transfer it with the £20.
I said that's fine and ordered it.
Monday morning I woke up to a text
"Hi I've transferred the £20 I owe you but il sort the rest out the next time I see you as I get confused ha ha"
That's what she says when she isn't going to pay (she plays the confused card)
Seen her on Tuesday and she said
"Oh god I feel stupid saying this but I've just been to Asda and got too spendy and thought I was rich and now I've spent all my spare money am I ok to sort it out next month"
Obviously all I could say was yeah sure.
She won't,it will end up being a gift from me.
It's always the amounts under £10 she never pays.
I always think it's only £5 or it's only £4 but it all adds up.
Anyway the make up bag is due today.
Aibu to say the parcel didn't arrive and it must be missing then return it?
I know that sounds sneaky and underhand but I'm sick of it.

Argh! I don't want to blame you for her shit behaviour but seriously.. LEARN from it.

At this point, it's pretty much your own fault. You need to stop giving in to her and start telling her she's taking the piss.

Why would you give it to her as a Christmas present? Just why?

I'd message, Hi, returned bag as you said you were short of money.

And say no when she asks you in future, if she's short of money commiserate that you are even worse off. when you go out together, only have the cash for yourself and not her, if she wants a taxi, refuse as you've only got the fare to your house, drinks round you can buy your own drinks, she wants you to sub her whilst out shopping, sorry only have enough cash for what you want to buy. etc.

You shouldn't be financing her lifestyle. And frankly I'd be looking at getting myself new friends. Phase her out of your life, what positive does she bring to your life?

What @frazzledasarock said.

Avoid the confrontation by sending the message I suggested. Don’t tell her you’re sick of lending her money, don’t tell her you’re never doing it again. You obviously find it very difficult to confront her, so make it easy for yourself.

“Your makeup bag had arrived. I know you said you can’t afford it at the moment, so would you like me to return it for you?“

She can say “no, I’ll come and pay you” or “yes, send it back” without confrontation. If she says “give it to me and I’ll pay you later” it opens up the opportunity for you to say “no, I’m not comfortable with that” and fro from there.

You find it hard for some reason. So make it easy. Don’t lie, don’t confront her all guns blazing.

All these excuses about having to say YOU can’t afford things, to justify not lending her money are ridiculous. You have every right to be able to afford to lend, and choose not to.

Same as a creepy guy in a bar trying to chat you up. You don’t have to say “sorry I’ve got a boyfriend” implying that if you didn’t, you’d give him your number. “I’m not interested” is totally acceptable. Same in this situation - the fact that YOU DON’T WANT TO is reason enough. Don’t lie or make excuses.

I’d hand over the bag and say nicely

“Don’t worry about not having the cash, This is your Christmas present”

Then STOP lending money. Tell her you lent to a relative and can’t afford any more.

OP you post about this constantly, get the same advice, and take none of it on board.

I don’t mean that harshly because you seem lovely.

If you want her to stop taking the piss learn to say no. Only you can fix this.

Seriously what do you get it the friendship?
Just return it and tell her you had to return it as you know she won’t pay you back for it.

Do not give it to her as a Christmas present, as she’ll just ask for it now, then at Christmas ask for her present!

Send it back and get the refund. Tell her you sent it back because she hadn't paid for it. She's a c.f. and a scrounger

And if the "friendship" is only based on you giving her money all the time it isn't much of a friendship.

I do understand how you feel because DD had a "friend" like this in year 7 at school, but it wasn't a friendship worth having.

Just. stop. giving. her. money

Tell her you will give her the bag when she has paid you the money. I certainly wouldn’t give it to her for a Christmas present! I love my friends dearly but we would never exchange Christmas presents .

@itsxmas

I don't know why I still do it. I feel bad saying no. Plus everytime she makes it sound like this time she will pay. That's deffo it now tho.

You are a people pleaser that why you do it.try and figure out why you do this and how to stop.

Practice saying NO in the mirror. Sounds weird but it does work.

Stick to your guns this time. Have a stock answer in your head Ie just repeat “sorry I can’t” every time. No explanation required and if she does ask, a simple, I can’t afford to.

Christ, I can’t stand these types.

What to do really depends on if you want to be her friend. It’s so exhausting being around these people as you feel on guard. Protecting yourself from getting fleeces on a daily basis.

If you want to keep her as your friend you need to be straight. You can reply - no need for confusion, it’s 9.60. Let me know when you have transferred it so you can pick up the bag. Then stop lending her money!

If not- I would return the the bag and if she asks tell her your returned it because she hadn’t paid.

I knew a girl like this at uni - Cheeky Bitch she was. We had a coffee machine at uni and it was dirt cheap - like 30p. She used to ask various people every day if they had a spare 30p because she only had her card!!! Then if we would order takeaway she would calculate the amount we had to pay and just stick the delivery charge into someone’s order that she thought wouldn’t notice. Same with taxi’s- she would say - oh sorry I only have a card, can you pay ?
She hardly ever spent her own money, just borrowing a couple of pounds here and there for tickets and coffees.

Time to grow a back bone op what do you think will happen she will be upset with you ? Well yeah she will because she'll realise your no longer a complete walk over and she won't like, that but she's definitely taking the piss .
Try it on her one day bet she says no .

You can reply - no need for confusion, it’s 9.60. Let me know when you have transferred it so you can pick up the bag

This ^^ is the best answer

Will you need to pay ti return it?

Please don't give it to her as Christmas present...she will never learn this way.
I would say to her the the bank of istxmas is closed, she needs to give the money back now or you return it (and she can fuck off)
I don't mean to be harsh to you but why do you let her walk all over you? What do you get out of this?
Add up all the crap you've bought for her during the years, contemplate it, feel bad about it for 2mins then decide if it's worth it.
This is no friendship, she is just using you. Don't let her. She is a right cunt.

Hi friend. You're bag has arrived. Please transfer the £x and you haven't given me back £x for our last taxi. I'm short this month so really need it. Thanks

I can't believe how many are saying to give it as Christmas present, that's madness.

You have no idea if the OP even gives her friend a present and even if she does the CF now knows that if she fancies something for Christmas/birthdays in the furture she only has to pretend she's going to buy it herself a few weeks beforehand

@itsxmas You need to just dump this "friend".

Just phase her out.

On the bag - Send it back and never mention it again :)

On loaning money - they always say that you should never lend anything you aren't completely happy to GIVE'. From now on, always run the request past yourself before saying yes. (Ask: 'am I willing to give this present to this person right now?')

It sounds as if you are now up to the limit on giving to this friend. You are not happy to give (and why should you be a cash-cow?) so don't lend any more.

Remember the mumsnet mantra that 'no' is a complete sentence.
(For a friend you can soften it a little: No that isn't convenient for me. No that isn't possible this time. No... but don't explain any further. Just move the conversation on.)

I remember the ridiculous taxi situation 🙄
Why on earth have you put yourself in this position again?

Preferably, tell her you’re not lending her any more money, and say that any time she asked.

Or if you’re not up to that, come over all faux-ditzy and laugh with a, “sorry hun - I’m not lending money to anyone anymore, or borrowing - I just get too CONFUSED 🤣 about how much I have.”