To be concerned re this advice?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

My ex-husband told my ten year-old son over the phone tonight that if someone pushes him or hits him at playtime, he should push or hit back in "self-defence."

I'm personally quite horrified at this advice. Son says he knows it's wrong.

Advice please!

Your ex is probably getting him ready for secondary school. If he does get hit and stands up for himself he’ll probably not have any further hassle. Nip it in bud type of thing. My DH recalls being in yr 7 being set upon by several boys in first week. Someone went to get his brother yr 8. By time brother came DH had hit them all hard to the floor and no one touched him again for next 7 years.

wow. I can't believe this. I have never told my kids to hit back. And I'm pretty confident none of my friends have either. You walk away. You maybe grab their wrists to stop them if you have to. You don't hit back unless you have no alternative.

To be honest I don't think it as ever really arisen though!

@Mollymopple

Shocked at this...... does it not depend on the age of the child? Surely we start with 'we don't hit ' with our youngest children. Toddlers are frequently hitting and biting. It is something we spend a long time teaching them not to do. At what point do you work against this? What if the child hurting had additional needs? Schools are a place where we don't tolerate hitting for any children by telling your child to hit back they are being encouraged to be aggressive albeit in defence. Would they hit their younger sibling back if they are 'hit first'. ? The problem is some kids are very literal with this. I get teaching your child to stand up for themselves but I do think age and context are important

Just because a child has special needs, doesn’t give them the right to physically assault your child. You don’t send your kids at school to be bullied and hit. If a special needs child has the capability to bully someone and physically assault them, that child has the right to defend themselves. Should they just stand there and take it?

@Luaanna No he definitely wouldn't be allowed to advocate hitting back, he'd be in all sorts of trouble if he did.

Both my kids do karate and know if someone hits them, they hit back and I’ll deal with the consequences. It’s not ok for them to start a fight but I won’t have them be anyone’s punchbag.

I particularly can't get over the "hit them twice as hard" or even " ten times as hard".
So A hits B first.
B hits A twice as hard in self defence.
B hits A four times as hard in self defence, which is justified now by having been hit much harder than the first hit!
So B hits A eight times as hard.
At some point someone gets seriously hurt.
Great.

My friends a teacher and I we both agree that if a child hits yours, you tell them to stop if they don’t you can hit them back. I don’t want to raise a child who can’t stand up for themselves

I spent a year working at a specialist provision with children that had been excluded from mainstream education. They assulted their peers and staff frequently. We were spat at, bitten, punched and kicked. It's never OK but sometimes you have to understand why children behave like this.

I’m somewhere in the middle with this: I’ve taught my kids they’re only to hit back if a) they can’t get away safely without doing so, or b) if they’ve told the teacher but it keeps happening. They know hitting back is an absolute last resort but they also know they’ve every right to defend themselves physically if necessary.

@LG101 Would you advise your students to do this?

I have seen kids with SEN really hurt others-yes. The reason is not bullying but the fact that developmentally they are more on a toddler level and lack the communication skills. It is unfair I agree on the child on the receiving end but retaliation doesn't tend to solve it because the hitting / bitting has not come from a bully scenario ..more frustration. So as I said context is important

@Nicknamegoeshere

The law allows you to match the level of force used against you - the purpose is really to stop the attacker or to enable you to get away. One punch matched by another punch of roughly equal force would be ok... pulling a knife would not be ok ( unless there were other factors like a massive size difference). The problem with a fight in a pub is 1) people are drunk 2) Male pride / egos means they don’t stop when they have the opportunity to do so 3) other people get involved. Before you know it you’ve got a brawl on your hands. The other issue is what caused the fight in the first place... it tends to be different than playground bullying. The problem about being passive as a kid is you become known as a soft touch you become a target. Hopefully you only have to do hit back the once but you go hard, you stop as soon as the threat is neutralised.

Yeah if there's an adult there then you can tell them, but if there isn't then we will teach them to defend themselves

I’ll always remember my dad telling me that if I was bullied I was to punch them on the nose to break their nose.
Well, when some little knobber was bullying my friend I grabbed his collar and pushed him across the pavement. Not quite the punch my dad told me to give but it stopped him picking on her!! Your ex is right.

Trouble is if your child hits back it is a fight. They will both get in trouble and nothing is likely to change. Your child doesn’t retaliate and immediately tells someone (preferably with a witness) and it is an assault and the bully will get in more trouble. Assuming it is an even semi decent school

One of my moms biggest regrets is telling dB it's never acceptable to hit. She wishes she had told him to hit back or push back the first time someone does it to you.

I have always said to get a grown up etc. Dh says the same as your ex.
There was one child who would go in too hard on tackles (in football). Ds would back off, get upset etc. Dh told him to do in back, hard. I was not in total agreement but the kid’s face when ds stood up to him. He never did it again. Not hitting but a show of nerve if iyswim.

Hit back harder and faster in my opinion. I always told my DS I will absolutely stand by him and defend him if he hits back. Telling the teacher actually gets you nowhere I’m afraid.

I don't condone physical violence of any sort from anyone personally speaking

Really? Have you actually thought that through?

No idea what the back story is here, but on the face of it, I would - and did - tell my DC that there was no reason to hit anyone, however vile they were. There are other and more effective ways to deal with problems. I have quite often wished to strangle children who have been vile to my DC over the years, but have always had to remember that children are children, and mostly grow up to be ok adults who don't thwack other people.

I'm amazed at the 'hit them back' responses. Whenever did escalating violence solve anything? Talk to an adult, that's the main thing to protect yourself. If bullying were so bad I'd change schools rather than teach DS to be a thug too.

@Nicknamegoeshere

What happened with speaking to a member of staff?!!

Why teach a child to go telling tales when they can sort it out themselves?

Your son knows its wrong he clearly has a moral compass and will be fine

Trust him to make his own decisions