To be concerned re this advice?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

My ex-husband told my ten year-old son over the phone tonight that if someone pushes him or hits him at playtime, he should push or hit back in "self-defence."

I'm personally quite horrified at this advice. Son says he knows it's wrong.

Advice please!

@user1294729492759 Similar thing happened a few months back in our village. It was a fight over something ridiculous that escalated. One guy died, the other was charged.

DD6 is well versed in punching back harder.

There are also race issues involved sadly.

I also agree with your ex. If a person hits you first, hit them back but never start a fight.

Everyone has the right under law to defend themselves. Thankfully my DD has not encountered any bullying but if it were to be physical then she knows both her parents would support her if she retaliated. Her dad has taught her the correct way to punch .... I’m also capable of showing her some Empty handed moves. We’re both police officers by the way.

self defence is rarely an accepted excuse in the real world

What an absolute crock of shit. Self defence is an actual legal defence... you have no idea what you’re talking about.

I don't condone physical violence of any sort from anyone personally speaking.

I agree that if someone hits you, hit them back in the same way. Otherwise you're seen as weak and it never stops.

What do you suggest then, OP?

My DS has always been told don't be nasty or unkind to others however if someone hits you hit them back...

My DS was pushed around a bit by friends when younger with one particular being a total shit... One day DS got sick of it and pushed him on the floor... Never since has it been an issue. The child was happy to only be horrible to those who would take it.

Another one here who agrees with your ex.

I have always told DS(14) that as long as he doesn’t throw the first punch then I will always have his back. I’ve always taught him to defend himself and stick up for himself.

@Divebar Ah that's helpful re being a police officer. Would you be able to answer my question re what would happen if two young men were in a pub fight. Supposing one man throws a punch and the other retaliates by throwing one back. What happens then?

DS was bullied horrendously. We tried all the non violent routes, speaking to staff etc. Nothing changed. Sorry OP but schools are crap at dealing with bullying. One day DS lost it and pinned the biggest bully up against the wall. He didn’t get picked on again. Most of the other kids then said “well done” to DS. Bullies thrive on fear and only back down if you stand up to them. DS is now an adult and is not at all violent, never been in trouble with the police etc. He just did what he had to do at the time.

Yeah I think YABU.
I’ve also taught my kids don’t hit first but you make sure you hit last.
Bullying is rife and nothing is done. I’ve also taught them there’s no such thing as a “dirty fight”. You do what you have to do.

Obviously not condoning knives and guns

What do you do when a pupil tells you they're being bullied? How do you make sure it stops?

My DS is a bit of a softie, and was having issues with bullies at school. What they didn't know is that he's also a martial arts black belt. I told him that if he thinks it's needed, he can hit back, but if he's going to do it, do it properly, and that he may get in trouble if he does, but that I would be on his side.

He's never actually retaliated but when i told him that, in certain circumstances, it was ok the relief was visible. And actually he's not had any issues since- it's given him an inner confidence that he doesn't need to be a victim.

My brothers a head at primary and even he’s told my boys to hit back if anyone hits them. You don’t just take it and be subjected to more bullying ffs. You don’t beat them, but they hit you once, you hit them once, just twice as hard.

YANBU you can’t just go around thumping people surely . What does that teach them when they get older.
I dread my child being bullied

@Szeli

Yanbu only silly people fix things with fists is what ds is taught. More often than not if you retaliate you are also punished, self defence is rarely an accepted excuse in the real world. Plus, I don't want my child scrapping

Absolute rubbish. We’re taking about kids here. As adults, we know what is and isn’t legal. As children, you learn to defend yourself against bullies.

@Luaanna Does he say the same in his capacity as a HT?!

If someone hits you, you hit them back 10 times harder then go tell a teacher. We have a right to protect ourselves. Teaching him not to defend himself is teaching him to get bullied.

Self defense is a legal defence. If someone attacks you you have a right to defend yourself. For every woman out there, if a man so much as grabs you, fucking fight back.

@Nicknamegoeshere

There are also race issues involved sadly.

Do you mean the other child is making racist remarks about your child? This needs to be reported, surely. Hitting someone because of their race is a hate crime and even if they’re kids, this should definitely be reported.

I lived in a mostly white area and was called a P**i (not sure if we’re allowed to use the word) more than once at school. One girl called me a P bitch once and punched me and I’d had enough, so hit her back really hard. She never did it again and I didnt get into trouble. This was the 90s though so a lot aphasia changed.

[quote Nicknamegoeshere]@Luaanna Does he say the same in his capacity as a HT?![/quote]
No idea, I’ll ask him but I’m not sure he’d be allowed to say something like that in school. He has taught all 3 of my dc how to punch and takes them to a martial arts class weekly.

Shocked at this...... does it not depend on the age of the child? Surely we start with 'we don't hit ' with our youngest children. Toddlers are frequently hitting and biting. It is something we spend a long time teaching them not to do. At what point do you work against this? What if the child hurting had additional needs? Schools are a place where we don't tolerate hitting for any children by telling your child to hit back they are being encouraged to be aggressive albeit in defence. Would they hit their younger sibling back if they are 'hit first'. ? The problem is some kids are very literal with this. I get teaching your child to stand up for themselves but I do think age and context are important