To be concerned re this advice?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

My ex-husband told my ten year-old son over the phone tonight that if someone pushes him or hits him at playtime, he should push or hit back in "self-defence."

I'm personally quite horrified at this advice. Son says he knows it's wrong.

Advice please!

Damn right he should retaliate!

Hitting back is not self defense
Then what is it? Offence?

I don't condone physical violence of any sort from anyone personally speaking.

eldest was bullied a lot at junior school. Taller than the rest, he wouldn't hit back as felt it was cowardly with them being smaller. Deputy head said that she itched to tell him to hit back, but wasn't allowed

Ah Nickname I could have guessed you teach - as a teacher I always told mine not to hit back, to tell adults etc. Sometimes it worked, but often it didn't stop till they did something back.
But, schools will blame them both if he does hit back, so do one of the other (hit back or tell) if you're going to tell, don't hit back!
And of course, hitting back won't work if the other child is bigger or harder and "wins".

@Thewithesarehere

Hitting back is not self defense Then what is it? Offence?

Self defence is if you need to do it to stop the other person hurting you. If they hit you and stop, then you didn't need to hit them to make them stop. If they are trying to beat them up, you do.

Why have you posted this twice?

That’s a typical male response, it’s how boys sort out their issues and also their pecking order

I told a teacher at school that I wouldn’t be disciplining dd1 if she hit back when she was being picked on. The teacher was horrified, organised a while school assembly where she proceeded to tell the children that they must never retaliate and I was rather unpopular with the staff for a while. Couldn’t give a flying fuck. As much as we loved the school, I reiterate that if that girl had hit her one more time and she’d hit back, I would not have been telling her off.

I came on here at the time because I was questioning my own sanity and was unreservedly told that I was right and the teacher was wrong. She was a lovely lady but I did not agree with her on that one.

It’s a nice idea that you report it to a teacher and all is well with the world. But that never happens, sadly. Hit them back and there’s a chance they may just leave you TF alone.

Yep I agree with your ex - if someone intentionally hits my kids they have been told to hit back twice as hard. Don't set your son up to be a victim.

I agree with your ex. Can't let them be seen as a pushover. I always told DS if he started it he'd have me to deal with, but if they hit first, he could hit back harder and I'd back him.

Schools hate this of course - but then they're normally spectacularly shit at sorting bullying.

Sorry but I also agree with your ex. The rule is you don't hit first but you hit back..
My ex told our son that if someone hits him, he tells a teacher. Well he spent most of his primary school life being bullied cos of his dad's crap advice.
So advice here is you don't start the fights but you finish them.

I agree with your ex. That’s what I’ve always told my DC. Don’t hit first but you are allowed to defend yourself. My DD 9 now does karate and she is taught this.

@AnneLovesGilbert I know you have beef with me because you've continued to disagree with me frequently, but to answer you question, for traffic.

@thewithesarehere explain how hitting back is self defense.

Yep. When mine were little I did the whole Don’t hit people, tell an adult etc
Then I found that made them the punchbag for the thugs, and had to tell them to hit back twice as hard.

Was there not a case within the last few years where a young man was hit by another so punched him back once and it killed him?

Does your partner know how much time you devote to trying to get people on here to discuss and criticise your ex? You honestly sound completely obsessed.

Telling staff would just get your son hit again and again.... It will cause more trouble than its worth.

I taught my DDs as you did, until the first time they got backed into a corner. Then I let ex DH to teach them how to hit, because he is useless but he was right on that one.

Never throw the first punch, always have the last one if you need to.

@user1294729492759 I think the likelihood of that is small tbh.

@AnneLovesGilbert Does yours know how much time you spend on MN having a go at other people?!

And for what it's worth, my fiancé agrees with me wholeheartedly on this one. He knows ex's reasons also for the advice. It's not about best interests of son.

Yanbu only silly people fix things with fists is what ds is taught. More often than not if you retaliate you are also punished, self defence is rarely an accepted excuse in the real world. Plus, I don't want my child scrapping