What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

Needed the money. Wanted to put DC in private secondary school.

From the other side: my DH is a

@Generalblah so what happens to "the woman should stay at home" if the child has two Mums????

Oh no. What happens then? Eek.

What happens if the woman dies (My mum died?) what happens then?

Eek.

Money. I haven't been in a situation where my financial contribution wouldn't make much difference (we earn fairly similar amounts) but I can imagine it must complicate things. Good luck with your decision!

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age

I haven’t rtft but I just wanted to say this is not true. Your baby does not need, care about or benefit in any way from being with other babies.

@generalblah out of interest, why does it need to be the woman?

Also remember you would get maternity pay if you have a 2nd.

Oops. Try again.

My DH is a SAHP. When DC1 was born we both went part time. I have a career, he has a trade. At the time we were earning similar money, but my path to higher earnings was more obvious than his.

It quickly became apparent that he was more suited to SAHPing and I was more suited to WOHPing. Financially we could do that and I managed to go back to FT (NHS so can be very flexible in this regard).

We both have access to all the family money except for a current account each for personal spending - pocket money as it were (we get the same amount each). Child-related costs (days out etc) don't come out of his pocket money. In practice, by mutual agreement, he manages the family finances.

If we split, I'd probably get EOW. That would be shit. But the plan is not to split!

FWIW. Babies develop into toddlers and young children and grow in confidence and sociability whether they are in nursery or otherwise (unless they are kept in a box). It's called growing up and maturing. You don't need full time nursery to develop a personality and calling them exhausting little dictators is insulting to all children.

A good compromise is taking a little longer at home until it starts to become tedious and then return to work with hours to suit yourself OP. Do what makes you happy.

I'd return and see how you feel then. I was dreading going back but loved it. You can always Jack it in later.

Daddy goes to work and mummy stays home and looks after the children is not a dynamic i want my daughter internalising

So the daughters of SAHMs are “internalising” something bad? What an arrogant statement.

A good compromise is taking a little longer at home until it starts to become tedious and then return to work with hours to suit yourself OP.

But that's assuming that that's easily done. I think if you've always been a nurse, I guess in an area where staff are in very high demand from your comments, then perhaps you really don't realise that most women don't find that they can simply return to work on the hours of their choosing at the time of their choosing and without taking a very large step down in seniority. I was recruiting for a position that could be done in school hours fairly recently and to be honest it was outright depressing how many applications we got, all from women and mostly from women who were massively overqualified for the job, which was junior and low-paid. Saying 'just go back when you want on the hours you want' is not a realistic option for most people and OP gives no indication that she's in such a shortage area that it would be for her.

Why do these threads always end in a load of offence taking and accusatory spluttering? If you are happy with your choices it does not matter what others think of them. I know there are people who think mothers like me, who went back to work when their children were still babies, are awful. I do not give a fuck, their opinion is meaningless. So why would a sahp give a fuck what anyone thinks of their choice? You do what works for you, you don't need anyone else to approve of it. I have three sons and if they asked me I would advise against financial dependence and being a sahp but I doubt they will ever ask and more than that, I very much doubt they would be swayed by my opinion either.

Personally, being somebody who puts their own career above their children is not something I would want my children to think was ok. Family first.

It is rather insulting to any working mother, regardless of motives to work, to think that they put careers above their children. They don't.
And their children know it.
They know they are a very important part of their mother's lives, but they also know they are not the only part, nor the focus of their entire attention, and quite frankly, I believe that is very healthy.
It's the child of the helicopter parent that I worry about. It's the child of the parent who makes the child almost the only focus of their life that I worry about.
Children should feel supported and cared for. They shouldn't feel someone else's life revolves around them.

Boredom mainly. And desperation to have some time away from the DC on a regular basis. A 'return to normality' if you like.
No GP here were clamouring to push baby out with the pram, have time alone with them or sleepovers. Ever.
By 4 and 5 months respectively they went to nursery pt and I went back to work.
18 years on I've not a single regret. Now eyeing up retirement at 55 because my pension is good. The DC are fine.

@Generalblah how on earth is staying at home "the ultimate sacrifice"? For many, including me, it would have been far nicer than heading back and juggling work and home and nursery. Staying at home with all school age children, in a stable relationship and with decent income, sounds like a dream come true. It's wonderful if it worked for you and your family.

For those of us, including single mothers like me, who made the sacrifice to go to work and miss out on our children's milestones, on making mum friends, on spending time with family, on feeling horrendous guilt about childcare choices, about STILL despite all this being mummy tracked and not achieving the career we might have wanted... Well, your post really rankles.

We all make our own best choices, that are different in our circumstances. Your judgement of others really shines through your answers, whether that's driven by insecurity about your decisions or just conviction that you know better than others about their lives.

I went back because I couldn’t afford not to. If I’d have had the choice to stay home with my kids I would have done so at least u TIL the started school.

I would have been lovely to not have to juggle everything around work and spend my days how I wanted to with my kids.

So if you can afford it and you think it would suit you then go for it. You can always get another job, but your baby will only be little once.

@TheNewLook

Daddy goes to work and mummy stays home and looks after the children is not a dynamic i want my daughter internalising

So the daughters of SAHMs are “internalising” something bad? What an arrogant statement.

No, they are internalising something i personally don't want my daughter to internalise. Reading comprehension is sadly lacking.

From the child's point of view, being taken to lots of fun things with mummy, read to, played with, meeting other young children, and knowing you are loved by a mummy who is actually present, would also be a major plus if you are looking at positives.
There is absolutely no support for this (and its a remarkable mean and insular thing to sag).
Be a SAHP or a working parent, but be clear that you are doing this for you. Except for special needs children, there is no reason to be a fulltime SAHP for your child’s benefit. It might be important for you (and that is fine), but don’t burden your child with the “i put my life on hold for your benefit“ story. Its just not true, and it doesn’t automatically make you a better parent.

I love my job

Financial independence

I don't want to have to settle for anything. DH wage would've paid the mortgage and bills which would be fine, but then we'd have had to save (hard) to "have a life" - I want to be able to buy nice things and give DS amazing experiences IYSWIM?

Being a mum is just one part of who I am as a person, so I'm not prepared for it to be the sole focus of my life

@Generalblah

Just want to point out that I did say that everyone has a preference and it was ok. So those of you being offended need to calm down saying that I am insulting you. My opinion is that women should stay home if they are able to whether that financially or mentally ir anything else. If you read the original post the poster clearly states that money-wise she would be fine and mentaly she doesn’t think she should go to work. So clearly for her being a stay at home mum is the right choice.

My point being that those saying that they go to work to be an example is ridiculous, almost as if you want to shame those who choose to stay at home. There is no shame in being a stay at home mum. It is the ultimate sacrifice I and other women make as we believe it is the right choice. My family will know that they are my priority and I am well within my right to make that statement freely.

So if you were offended or pissed off at my statement that is your issue. I think it is offensive to say that going to work is an example yet I didn’t kick off, only offered my personal view on the matters. To me it’s an example (for some) to show that they care more about themselves and sorry to say that my opinion is that children were not asked to be born so if you choose to have them make sure they know they are loved and cared about. Some women don’t do that. Trust me, working in both nursery settings and school settings you spot the children who are really loved and cared for and those left behind.

I’ll leave that there and you can be offended, upset, insulted all you like. I am entitled to my opinion as you are. Crack on, Karen.

Oh the irony of this post 😆😆😆😆

From the child's point of view, being taken to lots of fun things with mummy, read to, played with, meeting other young children, and knowing you are loved by a mummy who is actually present, would also be a major plus if you are looking at positives.

That's funny because I work and I still manage to do all of those things with my dc!!

@KarlKennedysDurianFruit so you don’t think it’s possible for a SAHM to be a strong role model? Is your career all that defines you?

I really like my job. I love the buzz, and the deadlines, and the new ideas, and the problem solving, and the teamwork.

I like spending my day with intelligent and interesting adults.

I like getting paid.

I like putting make up on, doing my hair in something other than a mum bun and wearing smart, stylish clothes.

I like having a handbag that isn't full of nappies and baby wipes.

I like using my brain to think about difficult things beyond my own household.

I like feeling like myself, not just 'mummy'.

I love my children but I find that spending every single day with them is boring.

After the first year the "mum friends" go back to work too so it gets quite isolating.

My son loves nursery and spending time with his grandparents so I don't need to wait around for him at home while he has a busier schedule than me.

What made me go back to work first time was honestly I didn't enjoy being a SAHM, so I went back at 8 months rather than 9, and also I'm not in a field where there's loads of jobs, so I wouldn't want to have to find another one.

Which was indeed proved on 2nd leave when I was made redundant and it took me 6 months to find a new job, but then that time I had 18 months with DS and I was more OK with being at home that time as I'd learned to drive in between kids!