What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

@Campalumpa

Money - I am the bread winner.

Also I found the requests re-enactments of toy Fireman Sam rescues got a bit tedious after the tenth time in an hour. So mental stimulation

I like my job

Oh god the rescue scenarios.

So many rescues.....

Actually, the main reason I stayed at work was because my mum was widowed when I was in primary school.

She hadn’t worked since I was born, had three young children to care for, and no family close by.

I saw exactly how reliant she was, and how difficult it was to get back in the workplace. She was desperate to get into work, but could only get entry level admin roles which did not work around sole care of primary aged children. Then there were finances, mortgage etc.

Divorce is one thing, if your partner becomes critically ill or dies you need a level of independence.

I wanted to work part time long term, when I imagined myself with children age 8, 10, 12+ I saw myself chatting after school and work about our days and me talking to them about their future careers from the POV of having one myself.
It is FAR easier to work p/t from a position of strength of already being employed. It’s really tough to find good p/t work after a career break.

I had DS at the start of the year and went back after 8 months.
I did find the thought of going back quite daunting especially with COVID but I knew I wanted some independence and some of my own spending money I wouldn't need to justify. Not that my OH is like that.
I do an alternating 9.30 - 5, 2 and 3 day week and that works really well. DS is in nursery for two days and we are extremely lucky to have grandparents that help with childcare.
Mornings and evenings are like a military operation but I'm really happy I went back.
Have just been furloughed for November and am looking it as an extra month mat leave.

It’s up to you, OP. There’s no right answer.

I went back because I wanted some me time again, wanted to keep my hand in with the world of work, we need the money and will need us both to work if we’re to ever get a mortgage, and because doing childcare round there clock was exhausting and - frankly - not that enjoyable.

I adore DS and I work p/t 4 days a week. I do not like my job. If I didn’t need the money I’d quit, but I’d still put DS in nursery 3 days a week or so - he loves it!! He’s developed loads, enjoys going and the socialisation is so good for them.

You may feel differently by the end of mat leave, or you may not. Just a few words of caution: babies and toddlers often take a couple of weeks to settle at nursery, then they like it- don’t beat yourself up if he cries at drop off the first few days. Secondly: you may regret becoming a SAHM if you can’t get another job later and if you end up losing ££££ from your pension. I don’t advocate women ever leaving the job market completely. Not a good idea unless your DH is seriously loaded.

@Teakind no I wanted to show him women have choices and shouldn't be shamed for not wanting to be a SAHM they can choose to do anything they want, and that includes working and still being a good mum. Clearly something's made you defensive....

For every reason that @Newmumatlast wrote. I wont lie and say it wasn't hard, especially as I made friends when my two were babies who were sahm and often felt I was missing out even only working 3 days.

Now though I'm so grateful I did. I was able to keep my career ticking over until I was ready to start progressing again and now in a much better job I could not have gotten without the experience I got while my children were young.

@ohnothisagain Thanks for telling me what my motives were and that I was sacrificing myself and making the children the centre of my world, and 'putting my life on hold'. You know nothing of my motives and gaslighting someone into telling them what they are is a shitty thing to do.

I did it for me and for them. They loved having me for those precious years, and we talk often about the lovely memories we made. I am not a SAHP. I have worked since the youngest started school, and only had 7 years with them. 7 bloody years out of a working life of 50 was a joy and a privilege. It was my choice. Others make there own choices and that's also good, so maybe go and pull their choices to pieces?

Reading comprehension is sadly lacking

ohalrighthen the above comment only proves my point, that you are arrogant.

By writing that you don’t want your daughter internalising the “daddy at work mummy at home” narrative, you are clearly making a judgement on that narrative.

My other worked full-time for most of my childhood. I have worked and am now a SAHM. I will work again one day.

Surely we bring our children up to know that there are many lifestyles and family set-ups and they are not compelled to do exactly what their own parents did? They go to school and see women working, their friends’ mothers may work, they may not, they encounter women in all sorts of workplaces. It’s not the 1950s.

I’m confident my daughter knows that she is expected to work as an adult and make whatever choice suits her and her partner if and when she becomes a mother.

I didn't return. Those years were the best of my life. I probably didn't think that at the time, as two young babies felt like a long and thankless day at times, but I look back and it was such a special time. In charge of your own agenda every day.

I do think it hugely affected my career though. I had 5 years off and ever since worked part time, changed jobs completely to find one that fitted around the kids. On balance, I made the right decision for our family.

There will never be equality as long as women are willing to drop their careers once they have children. Keep your financial independence and help create an equal society for your children to grow up in.

I haven't been through this yet but I struggle with job hunting. I am too frightened to take my foot completely off the gas in that regard. So earning my own money and having a recent employment history are the things that I know would always propel me back.

There is no way I personally would put my baby in nursery and work if I did not need the money. I love my job and work fulltime now I have 3 teenagers but when they were pre-school, we worked out a combination of DH working condensed hours, grandparents helping out one day a week and me gradually increasing my hours as they started school. Toddlers do not NEED nursery and the evidence is that for the year or so approaching school it may help them with social skills but still not essential if they have siblings/cousins/friends they see regularly.

I've never really thought why I went back to work, it was more a case of well, I have a job so I'll be going back to it as that's what you do! However I only went back 2 (then 3) days a week and didn't need to use a nursery so that definitely helped. Maternity leave was also so much shorter 10-15 years ago. I went back after 4 months so when people on here have stayed off 12, 14 sometimes 16 months I do get why they must struggle with the thought of going back to the workplace!

Financially I have no choice but to go back even though I would desperately love longer at home.
I’m a nurse and I have to revalidate every 3 years in order to keep my pin so I can practise. It’s hard enough being away from work for a year and going back, let alone any longer.
I only work one 12 hour shift and one 8 hour shift a week, and they will be either nights or weekend shifts so I am always around for my older boy who’s in reception.

As much as I am not looking forward to going back, especially after the strangest mat leave ever, I am looking forward to adult conversations and being myself for a few hours and not just mummy!

@ZoeTurtle

There will never be equality as long as women are willing to drop their careers once they have children. Keep your financial independence and help create an equal society for your children to grow up in.

Radical idea here, but why not support more men in become SAHP? Would that not also help achieve equality.

If men could have a years paternity leave that would really help.

I wanted a balance between family and professional life, I was still able to spend the majority of my time with my baby, I wasn’t in a financial position to ditch work and I wanted to be able to afford a second mat leave.

Pension.
Future flexibility, you really need a good relationship with your employer when they start school.
Money.
Some financial security for myself. I didn't want to have to rely on my then partner. (Was a lone parent within 2 years).

I went back 3 days, Tues/weds/Thurs.

Go back and grit your teeth. It is worth it in the long term.

I’m lucky to have a demanding, rewarding career that I trained for fifteen years to achieve and that contributes to the community as a whole. I was never going to walk away from that. I have also supported myself since the age of 17 (I’m 40), and it’s part of my identity.

I also feel very strongly that I am responsible for supporting my family and that putting a roof over my kid’s head is an integral part of parenting. I don’t see my parenting responsibility as different to my husband’s - we are both responsible for changing the nappies AND paying for the nappies.

However taking more time off now doesn’t mean you abandon working, it just means you go back later.

I remember feeling just as you do OP; the dread feeling just grew and grew. However, for some reason, when my baby turned 1 those feelings disappeared. I didn’t go back until a month after her first birthday. All of a sudden, it was fine. I was only doing two short days a week (12 hours), so it really was a short time away.

That said, I only went back because my DH didn’t think staying at home was the right choice for us. I definitely would have left my job if he’d supported me. Daughter is at school now and I still only work 15 hours, so I suppose he does support me in that regard.

I’d stay home OP. They really grow so, so fast. Before you know it, they’re skipping into school and they’re not yours anymore.

@Izzysays

A question I forgot to ask....

If you’ve gone back, how long for?
Mine would be 3 days per week 9-5 which feels so long but I preferred to do this than 4 shorter days.

4 days with some trips away

Thanks so much for the replies.
So much to consider.

Oh gawd I’d never quit my job! Your 3 days a week sounds perfect

My plan is to go back 3 full days too - yes mostly the money I earn will go on childcare - but it’s worth it cus it’s short term - if you quit even for a year or 2 - it can be very hard to get back into the workforce after the break

You don't say whether you like being at home with a baby? Do you enjoy your days and find it fulfilling? Right now you have the option of work, but if that was removed and it became more permanent, how would you then feel?
You are also still being paid, I'd see how you feel when you have nothing coming in every month. That's always a bit of a test.

I decided to be a SAHM (my employer couldn't offer me part time). It was the right choice for me and I really enjoy it. I love being a mum and spending my day with my child (and soon to have another). But it's not for everyone. I totally get that. We could also comfortably afford for me to be not working. I think this is important. I second the advice about making sure you have joint access to money and trying to keep your pension going too. I also have healthy savings myself to fall back on. I'm not sure if I would do this if I didn't have that security.

As for your career, yes it might be hard to get part time work in future at same level and pay. Or you might find something better to do that you enjoy. Start your own business or retrain. I wouldn't stick with a job you're not fussed about for the hours, personally, especially if you enjoy being at home.

A number of reasons for me, but mainly because I vowed never to be in the same position as my DM was.

She was a sahm for years and then my DF had an affair and left. My DM struggled immensely as she had not had to financially support herself. For years, she was skint and struggled to pay a mortgage, bills etc even with my DF paying some maintenance. She lost a tonne of weight and her mental health suffered.

After I had my DS, I went back to work when he was 10 months old. Long story short, but my DH and I split up when DS was 3. Thank god I worked full time. It was a struggle at the time, but I could pay the mortgage and keep a roof over his head. 15 years on and I have built a really great career, have a well grounded and happy DS and am financially doing well now.

As much as I love my DS, I knew I had to keep my financial independence and provide for my DS. I have also been back to college and uni over the years and done extra qualifications. In citizenship at school my DS had to write about someone who had inspired him. I was really touched when DS wrote about me and how I had inspired him through hard work and study and that I was a successful person (in his eyes). This is not a dig as sahm, just what my DS happens to think about me.

Each to their own journey and choices, but I never wanted to be my DM after seeing the struggles she had.