What made you go back to work after maternity leave?

[Izzysays]

I had our first baby 8 months ago.

I’m due back to work at the end of March.

My employer has approved 3 days 9-5
and I’ve arranged a nursery place for my son.

I’ve been undecided about whether I want to go back but a lot of people I’ve spoken to have said that towards the end of my mat leave I will be ready to return.

The thing is, I don’t feel that way, it’s getting harder the thought of leaving my son, not easier.

Due to the pandemic I’ve never had any time away from my son.
Firstly I haven’t felt ready to leave him, but secondly the only people we could’ve left him with would’ve been our parents all who work in high risk jobs (in terms of Covid) so we made the decision that we would distance.

We’ve been in a tier 3 area even since the first lockdown ended and have never been able to mix households so this made it harder for us to mix anyway.

I think this is making it harder for me to imagine leaving him to go to work.
I get so upset to the point of tears every time I think about it.

I really want him to go to a nursery as I think it’s important for him to mix with other children from an early age so either way I would be sending him at least one day per week.

I don’t particularly like my job. I like the people. I’ve been there for 8 years so it feels easier to go back there than find a new job, but I wouldn’t say it’s a career, I don’t feel like there’s any progression or anything new to learn.

I just don’t know why I’m going back.
Financially it wouldn’t make much of a difference to us.

My mat pay will end next month and when I go back to work, we will be in the same financial position we would be in if I was out of work with no pay (due to child care costs)

We have savings and my husband is a high earner so we could afford for me to be off for a year maybe two.

Part of me feels like I should go back to work, maintain some independence, pay into my pension etc.
But the other part of me hates the thought of missing out on spending those three days with my son.

When I ask my husband what he thinks I should do, he says it’s up to me.

I feel like it’s such a hard decision and there’s no real deciding factor.
There’s no incentive with money and I’m not in a job I love (as explained above)

I know from reading other similar posts on MN sahm’s seem to get a disapproval, told that their husbands could leave and they would have nothing etc.
But I can’t base my decision on something which might never happen.

What made you go back to work after maternity?

Twizbe Men can already take a long paternity leave - I think the woman has to have six weeks but the rest is up for grabs as shared parental leave. Uptake has been tiny, partly because men don't want to sacrifice their careers in the way women do, and partly because women don't want to share their maternity leave.

There won't be equality until men and women are an equal "burden" on employers. Both men and women are guilty of keeping it unequal.

@ZoeTurtle shared parental leave is great but is not what I meant. Both parents being able to take a year. So that one parent could be off for the first 2 years would be a major game changer

At the moment the woman has to give up part of her leave. This isn't great for breastfeeding mothers. Many shared parental schemes don't have any enhanced pay. With me and my husband, I got a great enhanced maternity package, he doesn't. He'd have just got SPP / unpaid. It made no economic sense to do that.

A few big companies are catching onto this issue but not many.

IMHO equally funded shared leave would be a game changer

Yes, not many companies offer that. Women need to make choices based on reality, including the long-term impact on their careers and earning potential. I don't think it makes economic sense to perpetuate systemic inequality rather than have one person in a couple on reduced pay for part of one year.

I love my job
I enjoy using my brain and spending time with adults
All my friends have jobs/careers - all in professional roles
Future potential
Wanted to set a good example to my child/children
Wanted my child to spend time in nursery and with grandparents, no point in me not working during this time
Enjoy a good standard of living - nice home, holidays and activities

There's also a cultural expectation that "mums" go part time and men don't. Flexible working campaigns, jobshare networks etc all seem to be aimed at women.

I wonder if properly equally funded (and extended) shared parental leave might help to change that, it would be interesting to see.

I would recommend going back to work.

I loved being at home for our child's first year. I made friends at baby groups, and I went on long buggy walks with friends in the village. I felt v apprehensive about going back to work.

But, to my surprise, I was SO much happier after going back to work: I felt more connected to society. I was a happier person and a better parent.

Working only three consecutive days a week meant I had a 5 day long "weekend" with our toddler. Best of both worlds.

Personally I hate my job & I don't even want to work .

I work purely for financial reasons.

I work part time and earn more than my husband who works full time.

IMHO equally funded shared leave would be a game changer

But it is equally funded by the state? When I went back to work and DH took SPL he was on statutory, and so would I have been that point. Lots and lots of women just get statutory and you see very few of them insisting that they therefore couldn't possibly take leave beyond the first six weeks. I actually remember being very annoyed by it because not long after I'd gone back the TUC put out a report saying that men needed to be paid better to take SPL, which seemed to suggest that DH should actually have been paid more for taking SPL than if I were on maternity. It's like the assumption is that of course it's fine to pay women £150 a week to be on maternity leave - after all, they probably just earn a bit of pin money anyway, right? - but it's laughable to think that a man would look after his own child for that.

@hardbackwriter interesting point, I never thought of it like that.

Personally, being somebody who puts their own career above their children is not something I would want my children to think was ok. Family first.

What happens to "family first" if the "family" consists of one child and one parent? Genuine question.

Am I less "family-oriented" than a woman who is supported by her husband because I have to go out to work to ensure my child is fed, housed and clothed?

Is my child supposed to disapprove of me because I "put my career above" her (ie, work to put food in her mouth)?

I came on here determined not to derail this thread but there is still so much toxic, sanctimonious invective out there from spiteful, small-minded people who conflate having to work with "being a selfish career bitch". With all the usual get-out-of-jail-free caveats about it being down to "choice".

Of course being a WOHM and a SAHM are equally valid choices, we shouldn't have to have this debate. But language matters and the words you choose to describe what people do and their motivations for doing it matter. This hoary old shite about women who work not caring about their families is so so insulting, so small minded and so old-fashioned.

This is a thread for about what motivated people to want to go back to work. If you decided not to go back to work (for entirely valid reasons) because you were lucky enough to be in the position to make that choice, congratulations but can you please exercise a bit of respect and have the self-awareness to realise that having to make money to support your family doesn't mean you don't care about your family. Can't believe I'm having to have this conversation.

Money

Wanting my own identity

Not wanting to be dependent on exh (h at the time) who I knew on one level would not respect me as a sahm

Wanting dd to see women in the workplace - although that alone wouldn’t have made me go back so early

A bit controversial, but I think maternity leave in the uk
is too long. 12 months of not working is an awful lot in many jobs (enough to fall behind), and 12 months is also where kids tend to be super clingy.
Reduce maternity leave to 4-6 months BUT introduce the cultural norm of both men and women reducing to 60-80% afterwards and affordable daycare. Everyone wins (this model works well in some european countries, with loads of women in managerial positions, higher managerial positions on jobshares etc)

I've just gone back, and it's fabulous. My daughter, after a wobbly start, is thriving in nursery. She is spending time playing and interacting with other children (difficult at the moment outside of childcare settings), gets lovely varied food cooked for her and is learning that there are other adults in the world than mummy and daddy.

I am back doing a job I enjoy (but don't love, I don't think that's a necessary requirement to being keen to go back) and earning my own money. Key for me was being able to continue contributing to my pension and savings. I once saw a graph showing the cumulative financial impact of various life events for women - it was depressing, and really made me want to keep earning my own money. My relationship is great, but my mum always told me I should have a running away fund, so I basically ensure I am completely financially independent should I need to be. I also feel like I'm setting a good example to my daughter.

I miss my daughter, but really value the days we get together (I work 4 days).

@ohnothisagain which countries are these? From speaking to friends and acquaintances from other EU countries I thought that job shares (and even going part time) are more common in the UK than most other countries.

Are there many men in senior positions on a jobshare/part time basis or just the women?

It never occurred to me not to go back to work full time!

1. I like earning my own money. If I gave up work for 5 years I'd lose out on 500k of salary, which is a sobering thought...
2. DH makes a lot of money, but we live in an expensive area, but two salaries means we never have to worry about money and can save aggressively.
3. I love DS with all my heart, but babies are SO BORING. I felt like my brain was rotting on maternity leave, and every day was Groundhog Day. Also, the fewer nappies I have to change the better...
4. If I was a SAHM mum I'd have to do housework. NOPE.

It's really not important for him to mix with other children from a young age. I think that line is trotted out to make parents feel better about it. Before two (personally I would say closer to three) one to one care really is preferable.

Just to add I've sent both my DC to nursery - one at 2.5 and the other at 14 months - so I'm not knocking it, but (unless you live under a rock and don't take the child out and about) it definitely isn't necessary for development before two and my 14 month old would have done better at home with me for a little longer, but I needed it for my sanity. You have to balance the needs of everyone.

If you're happy and fulfilled at home and it's financially viable then stay at home. If you need more intellectual stimulation, a breather from being "mummy" and financial independence then working is a good idea. Part time can be a lovely balance - but for some people it means they have to do everything at home and work as well, so if you go part time make sure your partner pulls their weight with dinner/cleaning.

Also, toddlers are exhausting so when your angelic baby begins to tantrum and be defiant you might feel very differently about leaving them

@whatwouldyoudo85 i experienced it in the netherlands. most dads I knew worked 4 day weeks, we had a male head of lab (500 people working underneath him so quite a senior job) jobsharing, but also head(s) of finance etc. Less so in higher up
position, but that was an age thing as well - job sharers (young parents) tend to be in 30s/early 40s, higher management in late 40s/early 50s.
I don’t know a single dad in our big organisation who didn’t reduce hours for the pre-school years.

We needed money, so I had to go back. I had no choice as we couldn't survive on my husbands wage alone.

Go back 4 short days & put your LO in nursery for 4 days. Otherwise he will struggle to settle in the nursery.

I was distraught to leave my babies at childminder/nursery even at 15 months old. Going back was very daunting and I felt I had lost all my professional skills and could only think of sleep times, food, milk, nappies... Took me 2-3 months to get my brain out of the mum/baby fog and remember who I used to be before having my babies.

I have not yet gone back to full time. My youngest is 6years old. But I will do soon as I now feel ready.

Part time flexible work is a great work life balance. Don't miss the opportunity.

I couldn't afford to take a long maternity leave. I didn't really have any option but to go back because I was the higher earner.

At the time I was devastated to leave my DC. I cried a lot.

However having had my DCs at home 24/7 during lockdown I now realise that I am a much better parent when I am not with them constantly. I make the most of the time we have rather than it becoming a chore. I would also have been extremely uncomfortable being reliant on someone else financially. I can't see how this could not impact the dynamic of the relationship to some degree.

As it happens, when my second DC was tiny my husband left us. I can't imagine the mess I would be in if I had given up work. Instead, I am setting an example to them, both providing for them and single parenting. They have a secure home and a nice life. This would not have been the case at all if I'd been a SAHM. I hope when they are older they are proud of me, and have happy memories of their childhood despite what their father has done. They love nursery and still have plenty of time at home.

First child: wasn't that keen to go back and money wasn't a massive issue. However, in the end I was bored not seeing people much, I wanted my own money, and my hours were low initially to get back into it.

Second child, several years later: money was an issue, my son was quite fussy and I wanted a break from constant parenting. I went back 4 days a week and have stayed like that for 3 years now.

Totally agree about motherhood as an entire identity, as mentioned by a previous poster. I loved feeling like a normal woman, wearing my work clothes, talking about non-kid stuff

Mainly because we need the money, and I need the mental challenge.

Don't underestimate how hard it will be to get back into the workforce (even harder now). I was a SAHM, entirely my choice, we were comfortably off, I had full access to our shared bank account, my own car etc etc. I actually enjoyed the years not working (only had one child so it wasn't arduous ), I had loads of interests and volunteering opportunities to keep my brain active and I got to talk to adults all the time ... however, returning to paid employment was not easy ... I do have a job that I love but the salary is less than a quarter of what I would be earning if I hadn't had the career break. If my marriage broke up I would struggle to survive on my current salary.