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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to give dh an ultimatum?

198 replies

Nina9406 · 10/11/2020 23:58

Dh and I have a 3 month old son. We don't have family near and he works shifts so I'm always taking care of ds alone. On his days off he says he needs to rest and does the minimum (make his own food, do his own laundry) . I have expressed to him countless times how lonely I am and that I worry about pnd, since I spent pretty much every night crying with a baby that won't sleep. I'm shattered and I would still be okay even if he just spent some time with us without helping instead of being all day and night in the living room playing fifa. He has his holidays now, two weeks starting today . We had a huge fight when I asked him to come sit with me and the baby and talk since I miss adult conversation so much. He told me "what I'm going to do here?"
So now I told him that ds is his responsibility for a week, so we both get a week of holidays. He said there's no way he's doing that, and I told him if he doesn't I'll take ds and go to my parents. Aibu?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 11/11/2020 00:01

He does his own food and laundry ?

This is not a relationship is it

pumpkinpie01 · 11/11/2020 00:01

He sounds like a 15 year old ! I wouldn't put up with that . What was your relationship like before the baby was born ?

Bookriddle · 11/11/2020 00:04

Your husband is a useless twat! I work mon to fri 6am(so im up at 5am) till 3pm, if my wife is working i pick little one up from my mums when i finish and take her home, and she is in bed asleep by the time my wife gets in! If my wife isnt working i get in from work and we share baby duties, normally i get in and take her to the park to give my wife a hour break, i aslo do 90% of the cooking, and we clean here and there between us but we nornally have a cleaner once a week!

No way would i sit in a different room to my wife when baby is at home with us, we both muck in and 50/50 childcare!

Yours sounds useless

StillMedusa · 11/11/2020 00:05

Not unreasonable at all. You have a game playing manchild.
Go to your parents, get some support and much needed rest.. and decide if this is what you will settle for or if you deserve better (hint.. you deserve better)
Maybe it will bring him to the realisation that he needs to start being a parent and partner, or if not you can make plans for single parenting.. then he'd have to give you a break, like it or not when it's his turn for custody...

Yellownotblue · 11/11/2020 00:06

He sounds like a man child. Does he know how to take card of your baby? If not, teach him, give him positive reinforcement, and let him get on with it.

Then stay in bed for a week.

Enough4me · 11/11/2020 00:08

Try a different approach. Rather than pleadask him to help, ask him what he's doing with DC tomorrow while your out. Even if you just go for a long walk alone, you need a break.

sst1234 · 11/11/2020 00:10

Are you going to follow through if he doesn’t change? If not, then no, don’t give him an ultimatum.

Nina9406 · 11/11/2020 00:12

@sst1234 my parents have been asking me do leave for a while now. It will be hard but I will.

OP posts:
Nina9406 · 11/11/2020 00:13

@Yellownotblue he knows he just doesn't want to, he says ds is used to me

OP posts:
Nina9406 · 11/11/2020 00:15

@pumpkinpie01it was better, he would still play all night but at least during the day we'd clean and cook and go shopping and watch movies together

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/11/2020 00:15

If you've made an ultimatum, stick to it.

BTW, your husband is a worthless piece of shit. Get rid.

Cauterize · 11/11/2020 00:15

He's a knob. I'd go to your parents. It might be hard, but staying with him will be harder.

Anordinarymum · 11/11/2020 00:15

Nina if you are very unhappy and he won't change then you have to make a decision for yourself and for your child.

If you left him for a while do you think he would want you back ?

Nina9406 · 11/11/2020 00:17

@Anordinarymum he would want ds back and to keep his family from knowing he destroyed our marriage. Also I guess the convenience he has now

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 11/11/2020 00:20

Sorry but it sounds like he really can't be arsed with parenting. It sounds like your parents can see how useless he is and will help you while you sort things out. Do you own the house or rent it ?

coconutpie · 11/11/2020 00:22

Go to your parents.

EnglishRain · 11/11/2020 00:22

Go OP.

I have a three month old too. DH has to be up at 6am and he is currently rocking her to sleep as she screams after being given a dose of calpol. We came up to bed two hours ago, and he has a bad back. I had two hours of screaming this morning and DD was still upset post her nap so it's been a tough day of trying various things to try and help calm her. I do the nights generally due to bf but times like this he steps up and does his share (as he should). On his days off he does his share of nappy changes and playtimes too. No day is a day off when you've got a young baby. Sorry he's being so crap to you Thanks

Nina9406 · 11/11/2020 00:23

@pumpkinpie01 he didn't expect it to be this hard he says. We rent

OP posts:
FortunesFave · 11/11/2020 00:33

Well since you rent that makes things easier. He's useless. Can you go to your parents house? It would be better for you and DS. Give the lazy bastard a shock.

cyclingmad · 11/11/2020 00:36

Yes must be so hard playing fifa and do naff all, must be so hard to sit eith you and have a chat eitb you...literally wtf

Just go OP, its harder for you by staying at least when you to your parents your actually getting support!!

You think you might have pnd, staying isnt going to help could even make it worse.

Anordinarymum · 11/11/2020 00:44

[quote Nina9406]@pumpkinpie01 he didn't expect it to be this hard he says. We rent[/quote]
It sounds like he has shut the relationship down. He is living like a single person and neglecting his wife. It's hard when you have a child but surely all this nastiness is harder to keep up than trying to get along.
Only you can decide what to do but it's clearly unacceptable from what you have said here.

SandyY2K · 11/11/2020 00:54

You should absolutely go to your parents if he won't step up.

YANBU at all. Stick with your ultimatum. It's exactly what I would do.

He's lazy and selfish...his behaviour just causes resentment and kills the love.

Nina9406 · 11/11/2020 01:05

For the last hours (this happened at 9 pm) he's been coming in the room, feeding ds hold him till he sleeps and leaves without looking at me or saying a word. I don't really care tbh, he's been acting like that for 3 months now. Let's see if he will continue taking care of him tomorrow

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 11/11/2020 01:06

YANBU. He is a selfish useless twat. Go to your parents and don't go back.
You can do better OP. You deserve better.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 11/11/2020 01:10

sounds more like crap partner depression that just happens to be post natal. Partner sounds a total waste of space.

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