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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to give dh an ultimatum?

198 replies

Nina9406 · 10/11/2020 23:58

Dh and I have a 3 month old son. We don't have family near and he works shifts so I'm always taking care of ds alone. On his days off he says he needs to rest and does the minimum (make his own food, do his own laundry) . I have expressed to him countless times how lonely I am and that I worry about pnd, since I spent pretty much every night crying with a baby that won't sleep. I'm shattered and I would still be okay even if he just spent some time with us without helping instead of being all day and night in the living room playing fifa. He has his holidays now, two weeks starting today . We had a huge fight when I asked him to come sit with me and the baby and talk since I miss adult conversation so much. He told me "what I'm going to do here?"
So now I told him that ds is his responsibility for a week, so we both get a week of holidays. He said there's no way he's doing that, and I told him if he doesn't I'll take ds and go to my parents. Aibu?

OP posts:
BreatheAndFocus · 11/11/2020 09:30

It sounds like he resents anyone having needs apart from himself. His needs are paramount. He’s a total man-baby and he sounds detached from his own child.

Please don’t leave your baby with him for any length of time. Leave and go to your parents’ with your baby. Take the time to have a mental rest and think about your future.

YoniAndGuy · 11/11/2020 09:34

Just leave.

There is no family here to break.

A 'man' who would rather game constantly instead of spending time with his baby isn't a father and doesn't want to be.

What he wants is to be able to continue being a manchild - gaming, making his money then living his own limited, shitty, lazy life but to also have the tags of 'wife' 'baby' 'family' in the background... so he's ticked his grown up boxes.

This IS it for him, you realise that? Manchild misogynists like this think this is what is supposed to happen. He just lives his life as he pleases like a giant overgrown toddler... meanwhile the Woman he has snared actually does the adulting... cleans, cooks, sorts, brings up any children... and he just sits there watching, only raising his head to have the Last Word on anything important, because Man.

There are plenty of men who aren't like this. Men who are real people. Who are actual adults. Who are as in love with their babies as you are. Who come home and do normal family/friend stuff with you, as a partner and a friend.

Leave this waste of space.

fruitbrewhaha · 11/11/2020 09:34

To say you won't leave him because he is not abusing you is setting the bar very low Nina.

It is hard on a relationship after having a baby and takes a while to find each other again but it really sounds like he is making nno effort whatsoever.

Going to your parents now is not giving up. It gives you both some space. Your parents I expect can help you and you can get some rest and recuperate. PND is awful and what he is doing now will make you worse. Have some time away from him to work out what to do.

AlwaysCheddar · 11/11/2020 09:34

Pack your bags and leave. He doesn’t give a shit about you or the baby.

RandomMess · 11/11/2020 09:37

Sorry but I think your marriage is dead he has zero interest in you or the baby.

Fluffycloudland77 · 11/11/2020 09:42

At 36 he’s technically old enough to be a grandfather so if he hasn’t grown up yet there’s no hope for him. He’s nearly 40 fgs.

Gobbycop · 11/11/2020 09:43

I work shifts too, 12hrs.

We have a now 11 month old that's getting better at sleeping.

On my days off I do as much as I can with regards to cooking, cleaning, spending time with little man (the most important part)
No real need now but I'd do a couple of nights to give the Mrs a full night's sleep.

I'm not special, just not a lazy cunt.

I can rest when I'm dead.

Nina9406 · 11/11/2020 09:58

Hi everyone I'm sorry I haven't been replying, spent the night sobbing and catching up on housework. The support is overwhelming and I'm so thankful to see I'm not really overreacting.
I forgot one important episode, the first time I realised that he changed after having ds.

3 days after my emergency c section and traumatising hospital stay, after coming home and doing everything I would do without resting because it was expected of me and "I'm not the first one who had a baby" he told me that I need to workout and lose weight because I'm square now and my tummy is hanging.

My incision got infected obviously from pulling stitches.

OP posts:
thedogdilemma · 11/11/2020 10:01

@Nina9406

Hi everyone I'm sorry I haven't been replying, spent the night sobbing and catching up on housework. The support is overwhelming and I'm so thankful to see I'm not really overreacting. I forgot one important episode, the first time I realised that he changed after having ds.

3 days after my emergency c section and traumatising hospital stay, after coming home and doing everything I would do without resting because it was expected of me and "I'm not the first one who had a baby" he told me that I need to workout and lose weight because I'm square now and my tummy is hanging.

My incision got infected obviously from pulling stitches.

You are awarded my first ever LTB on here.

He is not adding to your life. Imagine being happy. Genuinely just imagine feeling GOOD.
One day you will and it will only be when he's out your life as much as possible.
Then one day, you'll meet a man who treats you well and you'll realise every minute longer you stay with this waste of space is a drain on your life and the time you could have been HAPPY.

TurquoiseDragon · 11/11/2020 10:02

I've read everything.

LTB. Seriously.

He is abusive, especially with that last comment about your body. It will only get worse.

Lsquiggles · 11/11/2020 10:06

Oh OP, that is so abusive and I hope you can see that. You can't fix your relationship because you can't fix him, he sounds like a horrible person with no respect for you at all. He has ruined your relationship, not you, don't feel like you're giving up by walking away - ultimately you're likely giving you and your child a better life by removing yourself from this situation. He's shown you his true colours, what more do you need to see you deserve better? Flowers

Blabla81 · 11/11/2020 10:06

@Nina9406

Hi everyone I'm sorry I haven't been replying, spent the night sobbing and catching up on housework. The support is overwhelming and I'm so thankful to see I'm not really overreacting. I forgot one important episode, the first time I realised that he changed after having ds.

3 days after my emergency c section and traumatising hospital stay, after coming home and doing everything I would do without resting because it was expected of me and "I'm not the first one who had a baby" he told me that I need to workout and lose weight because I'm square now and my tummy is hanging.

My incision got infected obviously from pulling stitches.

😩oh dear god he sounds awful. Just awful. How can you even stand to be with him? Why would you even want to give him an ultimatum? Pack up and go to your parents without a second thought. Sigh.
Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 11/11/2020 10:06

He sounds absolutely horrendous darling, I feel like crying reading your story. My STBX is a work shy useless substance misuser but he still stepped up when our babies were small and I didn’t even have a section. What a piece of shit, I’m so so sorry. Go to your parents, let them take care of you xxx

okokok000 · 11/11/2020 10:06

I wouldn't bother with an ultimatum. He is showing you he doesn't care about you or your baby and he certainly doesn't care about your feelings. The fact your parents have picked up on this and offered to help speaks volumes. Take their help and don't look back. Good luck.

RandomMess · 11/11/2020 10:07

He really is vile, please please please go to your parents and don't look back!!!

Thanks
notalwaysalondoner · 11/11/2020 10:12

Also, if he is indoor security where he can watch films and stuff how tired is he really at the end of a shift? He might be bored and a bit zombied out, but I can’t believe he’s any more tired than anyone else who has worked 12 hours in a shop or in a stressful office job?? Sounds like it’s over unless he really turns over a new leaf once you leave for a bit.

ReallySpicyCurry · 11/11/2020 10:15

Ok yeah I thought maybe you leaving temporarily would shake him up and make him change, but after that update I've changed your mind. You're wasting your time with him. Ditch him and make a life for yourself and your baby. I've been there and being single is easier than being with a man like this,I promise.

WhySoSensitive · 11/11/2020 10:15

I’m sad for you OP, genuinely sad.
I would leave, you’ve pre warned him and I would be gone. I’d also probably ignore any attempts he made at contact for a few days and just take a few days to accept and adjust.

Sorry you’re stuck with a knob head.

updownroundandround · 11/11/2020 10:18

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Your 'D'H IS being abusive. He's being VERY abusive. He withdraws everything from you, all communication, affection, time..........everything.

'Punishing' you for daring to disagree with HIS decisions/actions etc.

Even when he actually DOES what you've asked, he STILL punishes you by making a bloody point of totally ignoring you ffs.

He's NOT going to improve, he's going to get worse.

Please leave him and go to your parents. Do not bother with the ultimatum. Simply wait until he's busy gaming and quietly leave.

Let HIM explain himself to both sets of parents.

Pegase · 11/11/2020 10:19

Seriously this is not normal. I would have had PND as a minimum without significant support from DH in the first three months. I was on the edge as it was.

You'll find it easier alone than dealing with him I'm sure.

MadeForThis · 11/11/2020 10:21

He's awful. I doubt you can change him. To be honest I wouldn't want to.

He watches you struggle and then criticises you.

Get rid.

Dashel · 11/11/2020 10:23

Family is important but your DP are also family and they will love and support you and the baby. Please go home and let them look after you. If your DH wants to repair the relationship and be a dad instead of a teenager then that can still be an option but I wouldn’t be hopeful of that unfortunately.

You need to prioritise yourself and the baby and not a man acting like a teenager. This isn’t the dark ages, men now pull their weight and don’t expect their womenfolk to be dressed up and waiting for their return with a cocktail so they can relax whilst their every whim can be indulged by the woman.

Giganticshark · 11/11/2020 10:23

One of your posts states something about not breaking up your family because there's no abuse involved.
This sounds like an abusive relationship to me.
Fuckin run love. You can't force him to want to care. He's a bellend. Go be with your real family

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 11/11/2020 10:26

Kick his arse out, he is an absolute piss taker, hate men like this.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 11/11/2020 10:27

Could you present it as going to your parents' for a visit? You need rest and support, and you will see everything much more clearly when you are not alone and exhausted.

My guess is that you won't go back except to pack up your stuff, but you don't need to decide that yet. Just go where you are loved and supported, get some rest, and see how you feel.