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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to give dh an ultimatum?

198 replies

Nina9406 · 10/11/2020 23:58

Dh and I have a 3 month old son. We don't have family near and he works shifts so I'm always taking care of ds alone. On his days off he says he needs to rest and does the minimum (make his own food, do his own laundry) . I have expressed to him countless times how lonely I am and that I worry about pnd, since I spent pretty much every night crying with a baby that won't sleep. I'm shattered and I would still be okay even if he just spent some time with us without helping instead of being all day and night in the living room playing fifa. He has his holidays now, two weeks starting today . We had a huge fight when I asked him to come sit with me and the baby and talk since I miss adult conversation so much. He told me "what I'm going to do here?"
So now I told him that ds is his responsibility for a week, so we both get a week of holidays. He said there's no way he's doing that, and I told him if he doesn't I'll take ds and go to my parents. Aibu?

OP posts:
Dinosaur19 · 11/11/2020 13:21

OP I really feel for you. Having a baby is so huge and you’re not getting any support or comfort from the one person who should be on your team. Do not for one second feel like you’re asking too much or that you should be coping because ‘everyone else seems to be’. Please pack up your things and take your baby to your parents. It doesn’t have to be forever. Just long enough to give yourself a rest, get some sleep, and put things into perspective. Your husband is a wanker and you need support not criticism right now. Don’t let your DC see that this is how his Mum will accept to be treated. You are both worth much much more.

Oreservoir · 11/11/2020 14:41

Remember OP
A good man cherishes you.
A good man wants you to feel happy.
A good man wants to pitch in because it's the right and fair thing to do.
A good man should not need to be asked to care for his own child.
A good man doesn't verbally abuse his partner to deflect from his own shortcomings.
Your dh is not a good man.

Nina9406 · 11/11/2020 18:38

Quick update

I left ds with him until 5 but I had to take him cause poor thing was soo distressed, he didn't play or talk to him all day.

My father said he will isolate and come to us either to set things right or take us with him. He will also be contacting his family
Thank you all for your messages it has really helped my confidence getting all this support. Xx

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 11/11/2020 19:04

"what about all the other mums how they do it alone?"

I remember my H saying something similar...How does your friend Lisa cope with 3 kids and her DH doesn't help. You've only got 1.

I told him I wasn't married to Lisa's DH and if we were going to start comparing, our mutual male friend X would take turns waking in the night with the baby, even when he was working and his DW was on maternity leave.

He responded that X was one in a million...a couple of days later I took DD who was 2 months old to my mum's in another city and stayed 3 weeks. I told him I was getting more help from my DM and getting a night's sleep while she woke up to feed DD, so I wasn't in a rush to come back.

Nina9406 · 11/11/2020 19:06

@sandyy2k are you still together?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/11/2020 19:21

Go with your dad if you can

Twinkie01 · 11/11/2020 19:23

Nina, you're young and sensible, find someone who adores you. Who you look forward to spending time with, feel loved by, who wants to be a partnership.

Please don't bring your DC up in this mess. All you'll do is teach them that this is how men can treat women.

Go with your dad. If he says he's going to change whilst your dad is there it'll be bullshit. If a man has the nerve to treat a woman like he did when you'd had a c section then his ideas of relationships are that fucked up that's he's never going to be the partner and father you want him to be and deserve.

TwylaSands · 11/11/2020 19:31

Good luck when your dad arrives.

Livpool · 11/11/2020 19:47

He sounds awful and you would be better off without him. Leave and go to your parents.

Take care OP xx

PutYourHeadscarfOnNorma · 11/11/2020 19:47

@Nina9406

Quick update

I left ds with him until 5 but I had to take him cause poor thing was soo distressed, he didn't play or talk to him all day.

My father said he will isolate and come to us either to set things right or take us with him. He will also be contacting his family
Thank you all for your messages it has really helped my confidence getting all this support. Xx

Your dad is a good man, OP.
drumst1ck · 11/11/2020 20:17

Reading your updates, I'm so so sorry you have had to put up with this. He is no parent. You deserve so much better and to be with someone who actually wants to spend time with both of you! Your parents sound lovely, go to them and get the support you need. Hope all goes well OP!

Chickmad · 11/11/2020 20:18

@Nina9406

Quick update

I left ds with him until 5 but I had to take him cause poor thing was soo distressed, he didn't play or talk to him all day.

My father said he will isolate and come to us either to set things right or take us with him. He will also be contacting his family
Thank you all for your messages it has really helped my confidence getting all this support. Xx

Sadly I can empathize with that. My ex never had an ounce of love or empathy for his DC either. He would rather they got nappy rash than change them. He just wanted to be able to boast about the wife and kids but never wanted to "baby sit" them. As someone pointed out to me years later it isn't baby sitting if it is your own kid! He pushed me to go out to earn money when DS was 4/5 months. But the heartless way he treated DS while I was working took a bubbly settled happy little boy and changed him to a clingy crying child who was too upset to let me nip to the loo alone. My Ds is still unpacking all that 20, yes 20, year.later.
timeisnotaline · 11/11/2020 20:21

Did he deliberately not play or interact with his child because he’s mad at you?

I can’t understand a guy asking what all the other women do on their own. They aren’t alone obviously, their partner comes home from work. It just shows that he never ever thought his life would change at all, this was all on you. What does he hope to achieve by that?? I don’t care how much he works, lots of people work that much and parent. My dh did. Glad your dad is coming.

Rhubarbcrumblerules · 11/11/2020 20:30

Life is better without men like this

MrsDoctorDear · 11/11/2020 20:33

OP by the sound of it he doesn't even like you. Don't waste any more energy on him.

carly2803 · 11/11/2020 20:37

@Nina9406

Quick update

I left ds with him until 5 but I had to take him cause poor thing was soo distressed, he didn't play or talk to him all day.

My father said he will isolate and come to us either to set things right or take us with him. He will also be contacting his family
Thank you all for your messages it has really helped my confidence getting all this support. Xx

im glad for your dad OP

leave your husband - go with your dad and for gods sake dont leave your child with him unsupervised again

thats so sad your child was ignored by his own father. Get the space you need, move on while your child is young

single mum here - very doable!

ChocolateCherrybomb · 11/11/2020 20:53

Those nice days together, you doing crepes while he made the sandwiches, that was the front he was putting on to get you where he wanted you. The him that showed up after that baby came out is the real him. He is such a stereotype of men like that, it would be almost funny if he wasn't making you suffer so much. He is an emotionally abusive bastard. Do what you have to do to stop him hurting you and don't feel guilty for putting yourself first, he certainly doesn't.

nancybotwinbloom · 11/11/2020 21:01

You or your baby are getting nothing from this relationship.

What are you trying to keep together? The fact you are still together as a family he does nothing for or with?

It makes No logical sense.

Get rid, go with your dad, open a csa case, her on with your life.

He's a man child. More interested in playing his computer games.

Your better off without him.

billybagpuss · 12/11/2020 07:00

When will your dad be able to come?, hope you’re able to get some perspective 💐

Elmo230885 · 12/11/2020 07:11

Leave with your Dad, it will help you think and get some perspective
Best case scenario is the split is temporary and your H has a reality check and changes his ways but will know if he slips into being a useless sack you will leave
Worst case scenario is that he doesn't change. In that situation you know that you and your child will be much happier without him

You and your child deserve better, all the best x

6demandingchildren · 12/11/2020 07:54

My husband can be a lazy arse but he still cold cleans and does what he can for me and the kids.
He also isn't romantic in the slightest.
I remember one night breastfeeding our youngest with sore cracked nipples crying, my husband sat up all night with me wiping my tears and stroking my shoulder while I was trying to feed. He then went to work even though he didn't want to leave me.
That's a real man.
Another definition of a real man is someone who has a child of any age that isn't being treated in the right way, that man will go to his child and if he can't make it right he will take his child back and grandchild, that man is your dad xx

Nanny0gg · 12/11/2020 08:41

[quote Nina9406]@lordlancington I don't want to break my family without doing my best first, especially since there's no abuse. I understand that people are trying to make me feel better/motivate me to stand up for myself and I'm thankful for that. His side is this, he gets tired at work, and "what about all the other mums how they do it alone?"[/quote]
Sorry, but there is no 'family' to break up.

You're two people living in the same house. You kind of share a baby.

Go to your mum's

hemhem · 12/11/2020 09:08

OP is this the role model of a man that you want your DS to grow up with? Seeing him sitting playing computer games in his free time? Imagine your DS as a grown man, how will he treat his future partner if he has grown up with your DH as his male role model?

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