Aibu to give dh an ultimatum?

[Nina9406]

Dh and I have a 3 month old son. We don't have family near and he works shifts so I'm always taking care of ds alone. On his days off he says he needs to rest and does the minimum (make his own food, do his own laundry) . I have expressed to him countless times how lonely I am and that I worry about pnd, since I spent pretty much every night crying with a baby that won't sleep. I'm shattered and I would still be okay even if he just spent some time with us without helping instead of being all day and night in the living room playing fifa. He has his holidays now, two weeks starting today . We had a huge fight when I asked him to come sit with me and the baby and talk since I miss adult conversation so much. He told me "what I'm going to do here?"
So now I told him that ds is his responsibility for a week, so we both get a week of holidays. He said there's no way he's doing that, and I told him if he doesn't I'll take ds and go to my parents. Aibu?

Go to your parents! Call his mum- these men get away with it because the wives/partners help them to hide what a shit they are from the world.
Congratulations on recognising you are worth more than this and caring dads and partners, even the not very competent ones, do better than this. It’s hard to do while exhausted with a baby.

[quote Nina9406]@PyongyangKipperbang how old was your dc when you left ?[/quote]
Just over 6 months.

He saw her, with less and less regularity (so EOW, then once every three weeks, then once a months etc) until she was just over 2 and then nohing since. He wasnt bothered and his wife hated him seeing me when he saw DD.

She doesnt care, doesnt miss him and when he tried to contact her (when she was over 18) via FB, told him to fuck off.

Its like talking to myself 20 odd years ago, do what I did and get rid. I dont regret it for a second. Feel free to PM me.

Nina, why does he do his own laundry? Why does he do his own food? It's as if he resents you don't you think?

I'm not sure I agree with this. He'd be getting a hard time if OP said she did all the cleaning and made all the food.

OP, it doesn't sound like a great situation, but I'd be wary of listening too much to people on here who happily tell you to LTB when they have no skin in the game as it were. These types of threads always seem to attract a certain type of poster (although admittedly perhaps some people reply because they've 'been there'.

None of us know your partner or what his side of the story would be, so you ultimately have to take people's opinions with a pinch of salt.

@lordlancington I don't want to break my family without doing my best first, especially since there's no abuse. I understand that people are trying to make me feel better/motivate me to stand up for myself and I'm thankful for that. His side is this, he gets tired at work, and "what about all the other mums how they do it alone?"

[quote Nina9406]@lordlancington I don't want to break my family without doing my best first, especially since there's no abuse. I understand that people are trying to make me feel better/motivate me to stand up for myself and I'm thankful for that. His side is this, he gets tired at work, and "what about all the other mums how they do it alone?"[/quote]
He doesn't connect with you emotionally though does he ? You ask for his company and he doesn't want to talk or be with you.

Can't he reduce his hours ?

And I'm sorry to sound so negative but when you say you are lonely and beg him for company and he rejects you he is being abusive

@Anordinarymum no he doesn't and in all honesty he doesn't understand why I feel they way I do. He said he will only reduce his hours if I find a job that pays as much as his which is impossible right now

Whilst his job is long hours, it's hardly taxing. Especially watching movies all the time. I did security for 4 years in my youth and so did my ex. So he really has no need to unwind or have downtime when he arrives home.
He sounds petty and immature. Doing his own food and own washing. Is he cleaning his 50% of the house or washing 50% of his child's clothes... I doubt it.
Go to your Mum and take some time for you. Babies pick up on stress and are more tetchy. Also your exhaustion, lack of support and the coldness he is showing you might contribute to any pnd.
When you have had a bit more sleep and some TLC from Mum, then have a think about the long term.
Sadly at 36 he is unlikely to change.

It's also possible he could be suffering from PND and may improve (men can get it too). It seems he was keen before, som maybe is struggling to adapt and needs some time. People are very quick to dismiss men's mental health issues as many men hide them and pretend to be fine. Maybe his way of coping is to hide away on his games to get a sense of normality.

@lordlancington mental health is very important to me since I have family history of mh problems. When I was pregnant I would ofter tell him that pnd in men is common and valid, and he could always talk to me about it. Since we had ds I make a point regularly to ask him how he's feeling and to tell him I'm always available to help him. His response is that mh problems are for people with weak minds which is a bit hurtful tbf

[quote Nina9406]@lordlancington I don't want to break my family without doing my best first, especially since there's no abuse. I understand that people are trying to make me feel better/motivate me to stand up for myself and I'm thankful for that. His side is this, he gets tired at work, and "what about all the other mums how they do it alone?"[/quote]
This is an bizarre thing for him to say, you're not alone - you have a baby together and you're a couple. He's clearly checked out and that comment alone tells me he has no intentions of stepping up to help you.

Having a young baby is hard and you need support, especially at home. I think it would be best for you mentally to go and stay with your parents. It will be lovely for them to spend more time with your baby and it will be even nicer for you to have people around you who can help. The baby stage can be relentless and you need some adult conversation

@lordlancington mental health is very important to me since I have family history of mh problems. When I was pregnant I would ofter tell him that pnd in men is common and valid, and he could always talk to me about it. Since we had ds I make a point regularly to ask him how he's feeling and to tell him I'm always available to help him. His response is that mh problems are for people with weak minds which is a bit hurtful tbf.

This makes me think that it's quite possible he is struggling but feels too 'ashamed' to admit it. But it's a two way street and he needs to not neglect your feelings if he wants to make this work.

Only you know how he was before. If he has always been a good partner and has suddenly become withdrawn following recent big life changes then maybe things will improve. You can always leave him at a later stage, but if you leave him now you'll never know whether it might have been a passing stage, which is why I'd personally consider some of the advice from other posters very carefully before making such a big decision.

But I really hope it does work out and that this is just a blip.

So basically while he is at work watching movies on his tablet, you are doing all the childcare, then when his shift ends and he gets back, it's him that desperately needs a break? It's ridiculous saying to you that he won't reduce his hours unless you magic up a job in the middle of the pandemic where you earn more per hour and can still care for your baby. That's just a deflection and excuse to avoid his responsibilities.

If he can afford to reduce his hours and his work are ok with that then he could try to do that to so he can contribute to his family more at this time, but really it sounds like you would be ok with him just engaging more when he is home on his current schedule. Does he really think other men are getting home and gaming while they have a 3 month old and an exhausted partner? If by 'how other mothers cope alone' he means single mothers, then he really needs to ask himself why you are effectively in his eyes a single mum? And if you are, then you might as well both face that and get yourselves set up with a better support network that he provides.

Don't get me wrong, I don't know him and maybe he is struggling mentally. But if so, he needs to address that and at least acknowledge it instead of making stupid statements. Maybe then you can get somewhere.

I agree with PP that you should go to your parents and get some support, you probably need to do that to be in a clearer frame of mind to work out what is going on with him and what you want to do. Maybe it will be the wake up call he needs to help shift him into a better frame of mind.

Please go and stay with your parents, I'm sure if your mum is anything like me she will shower both you and DD with love and give all the help you need.
Your partner sounds like a total waste off space who doesn't deserve you

This man sounds emotionally stunted and petty. Idk if you can turn it around. Both of you have to want that. I think see what today brings and take it from there. Perhaps he needs to go through this to make an adjustment. If her can’t and fast then I would go to your mums.

As for having to earn as much as him. If you worked 10 hours even at £8.72 and he reduced his hours to 38, you’d financially be in a similar position because you wouldn’t meet the tax threshold. You would therefore get the total amount whereas he would get £8. You then both have to pay NI and idk if he pays into a pension etc. But you get where I’m coming from.

Mental health is used as a get-out far too often when actually the truth is that the person is just a selfish twat.

If he has mental health issues then he needs to seek some professional support. If he’s not prepared to do that then assume he’s just a selfish arsehole.

The very fact that he is now giving you the silent treatment is more indicative of his being an arsehole than anything excuseable.

And sitting for twelve hours on a desk watching video’s is not the kind of job you need to unwind from. In fact you’d think that given he spends twelve hours a day glued to a screen in the name of earning a living he’d be glad of the company when he gets home.

Remember there’s a vast difference between LTB and walking out for a time for your own and your baby’s sake. If you go and stay with your mum now he may well see what he has to lose and get his act together.

If he doesn’t you can make longer term plans.

Sadly I suspect that given he is already self sufficient in that he does all his own cooking and laundry without including you in this he has already checked out and he won’t care that you’ve gone. But only time will tell.

Although I would definitely tell his mother why you’ve moved out before he does.

Go to your Mum and stay there. He's a complete waste of space

His response is that mh problems are for people with weak minds which is a bit hurtful tbf

Do really you want your son to grow up around someone who thinks that? Do you want to your son to grown up thinking it's okay to treat your partner with disdain and to do nothing around the house to help her? Do you want your son to grow up thinking it's perfectly reasonable behaviour to play computer games 24/7 while ignoring your children? Because that's what your 'D'H will still be doing while your toddler/child/teenager DS wants his attention. If the answer to all those is no, then you need to start packing to go to your mum's.

I very rarely say LTB on MN because sometimes it feels like the knee-jerk default setting to every poster's problem, but this time I really think you should. You just sound so incredibly sad and defeated when this should be the happiest time of your life celebrating your newborn together. So leave and find happiness with someone who wants to make you and your son their priority in life, as you should be.

"what about all the other mums how they do it alone?"
On our bloody knees most of the time but it is still better than having two babies rather than one, when one is 36 years old ffs.[anger] on your behalf.

Surely it's not that he works 48 hours a week it's that he does absolutely nothing to help or get involved when he is at home? Many partners who work 60 hours a week would look after their baby/child for some of the weekend.

Also, I can't see that you taking your baby to your parents is a threat - surely that's his dream come true - a week without anyone else except himself to think of.

Your parents want you to leave him - are they supportive? Presumably they can see what an arse he is?

Upthread you said he isn't abusive. I can assure you he most certainly is. He's a nasty shit who is seems to enjoy watching you exhaust yourself before his eyes.

"what about all the other mums how they do it alone?"

I was one of those, family lived over 3 hours away, no help locally. Do you know how I survived a year long maternity leave? Because the second Dh came through the door from being out the house for 9+ hours he took Ds from me went into the kitchen and made me a cup of tea. He then took Ds upstairs, he changed out of his work clothes all the while chatting to Ds and gave me a delightful 30 minute break.

I had a lie in every weekend, Dh had the other day. He deliberately spent one on one time with Ds and then when Ds2 came along, both of them, because he is their Dad.

Your partner is an arse. If you can leave to go for a walk and leave your son with his Dad, do it. Of course it will be hard. No one ever said parenting was easy, ever. There may be moments where it is but there are also moments where it is so hard you wonder how you will survive it.

If he doesn't want to spend time with his child now why would you stay? The whole tit for tat with the sandwich/crepe thing just shows how childish he really is. It is pathetic. Go to your loving parents and tell his family yourself that he is more like a flat mate than a father or partner.

what about all the other mums how they do it alone?

It's interesting he said this because I was going to say being a single parent is tough but you sound like you basically have that set up already so going to your parents would actually be a way of getting some support.

It's sad as you have empathy towards his situation but he shows none to you.

So on his days off he does nothing ? Am I right in thinking it’s a 4on 3off job? His response about mums on their own is a joke your not own your own . Though you might aswell be tbh

I had a baby in lockdown my dp is self employed and when work dried up he took a stacker driving job doing the same 4 days of 12hours as your dh and picked up any work he could on his days off . He still cooked cleaned and helped with baby

I have a feeling even if you got a job it wouldn’t change . Enjoy some time with your mum who will probs actually help you and see his reaction

Leave him. Stop ruining your enjoyment of your dc's childhood with the resentment and frustration of living with this lazy fuckwit.

He's 36??? He is not going to change.

Leave and sort out your future from your parents' place. You will feel so.much better without him around.