Aibu to give dh an ultimatum?

[Nina9406]

Dh and I have a 3 month old son. We don't have family near and he works shifts so I'm always taking care of ds alone. On his days off he says he needs to rest and does the minimum (make his own food, do his own laundry) . I have expressed to him countless times how lonely I am and that I worry about pnd, since I spent pretty much every night crying with a baby that won't sleep. I'm shattered and I would still be okay even if he just spent some time with us without helping instead of being all day and night in the living room playing fifa. He has his holidays now, two weeks starting today . We had a huge fight when I asked him to come sit with me and the baby and talk since I miss adult conversation so much. He told me "what I'm going to do here?"
So now I told him that ds is his responsibility for a week, so we both get a week of holidays. He said there's no way he's doing that, and I told him if he doesn't I'll take ds and go to my parents. Aibu?

Hes not going to change, pack up and go to your parents, they obviously want to help you so let them. Yes it's going to be hard but you will get through it with the help of your folks. I had a similar situation, I threw my sons father out the house because I'd had enough of putting up with a mama's boy, it was hard but my folks helped me, I worked full time so put my son in nursery, got working tax credits etc. 6 years later, I'm now the happiest I've ever been, my son is doing well, I found a new guy and we have a 1 year old. Have faith in yourself. Good luck x

Oh, love! Please run into the arms of your parents and their love and comfort. Have a rest and a break with your baby.

Another one saying go to your parents. They will look after you so that you can look after your baby the best you can. New mums need as much support as they can get and the longer you stay at home with your DH the more you and your baby will suffer.

There are also plenty of jobs which pay more than £10/hour. Depends on your area but self employed cleaners make at least £10 more like £12-£15/hour where I am (North) and registered childminders make similar. Both jobs can be flexible to work round your baby or have your baby with you while you work.

[quote Nina9406]@lordlancington he works shifts so 48 hours a week and he just has to be there and be awake (meaning he takes his tablet with him, watches movies etc)[/quote]
Is he a Firefighter?

having a new baby is hard.i know you get those sorta roll right into it ones. ..but..reality is-biggest shock to system EVER. you worn out from 9mths,birth\and no le up=all new.disturbed ,if get any sleep. hard enough to adjust.but 2 people adapting is not always easy.
i guess-i wouldnt hang him yet.
what was he like prior wee one? i dont think it always "comes natural".totally understand why you feel isolated/alone. hes not adjusting or being reasonable. your worn out n aye,time at your parents might help
was your relationship tits up already or is this since baby?
.

Crossed post, sorry reading and replying at the same time.

Just leave. Otherwise in months, years time nothing will have changed and you'll regret not leaving now. Do it for you.

Going to your mum's might just be the kick up the arse he needs. As it is you're a single parent in all but name.You've nothing to lose.

You know you'd actually be better of without him right?

He does his own food and laundry? Fuck that shit.

Op that last post of yours makes me want to cry. I had a baby a couple of months ago and even though I didn't have a CS my Dh did everything for me during those first few weeks - all the housework, laundry, cooking, all the nappies so I could focus on feeding the baby and recovering. That's how it's supposed to be, your body did something amazing and what he said was incredibly cruel.

Please go to your parents and don't look back.

OP, what a muddle.

I still don't really get why your DH (you refer to him as DH, but are you actually married?) is doing his own washing and making his own meals. Why isn't he sometimes doing both, for both of you, and you likewise?

There's too much to unscramble here, really.

The C-section thing is horrible.

However, it's easy for people on here to brandish their pitchforks. The fact is that you are likely to be tied to this man for a very, very long time as a result of having a child with him. My XH was diabolical, but there is nothing that could have persuaded me to be without the children for even a single night when they were small.

Your ultimatum is evidently the result of understandable frustration. What's more, you're stuck with it now that you've made it. No, he won't agree to take over all responsibility for the baby for a week. So you now have to go to your parents' house.

That in itself might not be a bad idea, if it's a week's 'holiday' there, or even a fortnight's holiday. It would give you time to rest and think more clearly.

However, I think you also have to bear in mind that for most men, the idea of sitting together on the sofa talking about feelings is about as appealing as having your teeth pulled out without an anaesthetic. Fifa is going to seem far more appealing than that. Men also often find it difficult to have a partner who's endlessly moaning (in their view) about being lonely, miserable, etc. Men are hard-wired to solve problems, and many of them dislike being confronted with a woman who just wants to talk, without necessarily wanting a concrete and immediately realisable solution.

Obviously not all men are like this - but your husband sounds as if he is one of those types.

As I say, a muddle.

Yeah you need to leave. Your updates just get worse and worse.

Do you want this to be your life forever? Do you want your child to think this is normal?

You don't want to break up the family but it's not a family is it? It's just miserable and abusive.

You're not equals and you never will be. He doesn't think of you or your child as a priority. Get out whilst you can and go stay at your parents.

Trust me, in time you'll look back and think "why did I put up with that treatment?!?"

You say he isn’t abusive but he says that to you when you have just had a baby. OP he is a piece of rubbish and you and the baby are better off without him.
LTB and run for the hills.

OP, do you still think there's no abuse, after reading what other posters are saying?

This man is adding nothing but negativity to your life. I know it's easy to say but not to do but if you can end the relationship now it'll be much easier than if you wait till you're completely broken

I'm not sure I'd be so quick to say there's no abuse here. Sounds worryingly like coercive control.

This was me with my exh. I got up every day alone. Went to bed every night alone. Sat every evening alone. Looked after myself if i was sick alone. It never mattered to him how often I cried I was lonely. Left in the end and it was amazing. He had to have the kids eow and actually parent them. For the first time in my life i had a break. I had a social life( couldnt have one together as he refused to look after the kids so i could go out) I had my own money, i got maintenance from him and as i got tax credits i got a job doing 16 hours a week and put my little one in childcare( eldest was in school and wrap around care). I made friends at work, got out the house and loved my job. I was used to doing everything myself so never missed or needed his imput. On top of all the benefits to me he actually stepped up and became a father- something he would never have done if i had stayed at home. Now the kids are adult teens and have a good relationship with him. On top of all that i met someone lovely through work who is now my lovely lovely DH. Whatever he says he will never change- please please leave now.

@Nina9406
Sadly babies can have very negative impacts on partnerships, acting like a wedge rather than glue.
Men like the idea of having a son {usually} but the reality is often very different..A very experienced health visitor said to us: ''Men don't seem to like babies very much''.
I think she was right.
My own husband was hopeless..never did anything at all, never changed a single nappy, and was off all the time 'Rehearsing' or 'Gigging'
{He was a music teacher}.
When he suggested having another child, I said ''No''...and just as well, as he was unfaithful down the line.

It was incredibly lonely. He would be in another room a lot of the time ''Practicing'' with his guitar, and if he was in the room with us, he was emotionally a thousand miles away.

As you only rent, leaving is much easier!

Why stay with an emotionally cold person? ..It is unlikely he'll improve.

My ex remarried twice, and is the same with his latest wife {She contacted me!} .. They rarely change character.

@AlternativePerspective

Mental health is used as a get-out far too often when actually the truth is that the person is just a selfish twat.

If he has mental health issues then he needs to seek some professional support. If he’s not prepared to do that then assume he’s just a selfish arsehole.

The very fact that he is now giving you the silent treatment is more indicative of his being an arsehole than anything excuseable.

And sitting for twelve hours on a desk watching video’s is not the kind of job you need to unwind from. In fact you’d think that given he spends twelve hours a day glued to a screen in the name of earning a living he’d be glad of the company when he gets home.

Remember there’s a vast difference between LTB and walking out for a time for your own and your baby’s sake. If you go and stay with your mum now he may well see what he has to lose and get his act together.

If he doesn’t you can make longer term plans.

Sadly I suspect that given he is already self sufficient in that he does all his own cooking and laundry without including you in this he has already checked out and he won’t care that you’ve gone. But only time will tell.

Although I would definitely tell his mother why you’ve moved out before he does.

I agree with the above post completely.

I don't think he's suffering from MH issues. Obviously I may be wrong but to me he just sounds completely selfish and by all accounts, seems to add absolutely nothing to your life. You've even talked to him about your own concerns about PND and he hasn't been in any way supportive. In fact quite the opposite. What do you get out of this relationship?

Having a 3 month old is absolutely exhausting but knowing you're in this together, helping and supporting each other, makes things so much better. You have none of that support.

I don't think you should necessarily rush off and make a decision right now to LTB but I do think you should (and need) to take yourself out of the situation for awhile. You can decide what longer term decisions you might need to make later. Right now you need a break. Go to your parents and let them help you. You'll have a chance to rest and have company and adult conversation. Stay a couple of weeks if you can and use that time to decide what you want longer term. But unfortunately I don't think you being away will make him realise how much he misses you etc etc. I think he'll have a great time on his own. No one to give out to him, he can do what he wants. Make his sandwiches and play computer games to his hearts content. TBH he sounds like a 20 year old rather than a 36 year old father.

If you do stay with your parents, definitely ring his mother. Say where you are and why. You can start by saying you're letting her know in case she wants to see the baby or whatever. But definitely explain about her sons atrocious behaviour. God knows what he'll say to explain it. You should get in there first.

I really hope things work out for you. This should be a wonderful (but utterly exhausting!) time for you and your partner. It's very sad it's like this instead.

I am so glad you have loving parents.

Please go to them ASAP.

@Nina9406

Hi everyone I'm sorry I haven't been replying, spent the night sobbing and catching up on housework. The support is overwhelming and I'm so thankful to see I'm not really overreacting. I forgot one important episode, the first time I realised that he changed after having ds.

3 days after my emergency c section and traumatising hospital stay, after coming home and doing everything I would do without resting because it was expected of me and "I'm not the first one who had a baby" he told me that I need to workout and lose weight because I'm square now and my tummy is hanging.

My incision got infected obviously from pulling stitches.

So an arrogant bully as well as a man-child 😡

You’d be so much happier without him. He doesn’t sound like he cares about you at all or your baby. Think of yourself and your child and leave this pathetic waste of space to himself and his stupid FIFA.

“3 days after my emergency c section and traumatising hospital stay, after coming home and doing everything I would do without resting because it was expected of me and "I'm not the first one who had a baby" he told me that I need to workout and lose weight because I'm square now and my tummy is hanging.“

It’s no good me saying what my partner did or what your partner should have done, but you already know OP. When you both needed him the most he did not step up. Where are his instincts? Go let your parents look after you (both) and find your anger.

This will never improve because you will always resent those he spoken to you and the ways he's acted throughout this period. Even if he becomes dad of the year when your DS is a "fun" age, you will always remember this time. You should be able to enjoy having your first child (along with the struggles), not have life made harder.

My DP wasn't great to me when I was pregnant/gave birth (he did do his fair share with DS), I had comments about weight and basically what a shit human I am.
I've always just kept going a little longer to keep the family together but do you know what, all I've done is made it harder to leave because DS is nearly 4 now and will absolutely be aware of the situation. If I had got my shit together earlier and gone, then he would never have known the difference.

I'm not saying it's the worst thing for parents to split up when the kids understand but I had the choice to go before this and I didn't, probably because of how hard it would have been financially and I didn't have anywhere to go, I'm still in the same boat and even though DP isn't as bad as what he was, we will never be able to have a "normal relationship" because of everything that's gone before.

I honestly wish you the best of luck with whatever you do because there is no easy answer, you just need to do what you believe is best- you're still young and have the opportunity for a great life ahead, is he the man you want by your side?

What about other women who do it alone??? He said THAT to you?!!

What women!?? A small proportion of single mothers who also struggle because their men are shit?? Perhaps they also have better mental health?

All the mums that I know get help from their husbands. Ask him that if you found a job that paid more than him, would he be happy to stay at home and look after the baby 24/7 whilst you get to go out, sit on your backside and come home to watch TV? Seriously, if your family are asking you to leave him,then you should. He is clearly a self absorbed man child. You'd be better off and much happier on your own.

@Nina9406

Hi everyone I'm sorry I haven't been replying, spent the night sobbing and catching up on housework. The support is overwhelming and I'm so thankful to see I'm not really overreacting. I forgot one important episode, the first time I realised that he changed after having ds.

3 days after my emergency c section and traumatising hospital stay, after coming home and doing everything I would do without resting because it was expected of me and "I'm not the first one who had a baby" he told me that I need to workout and lose weight because I'm square now and my tummy is hanging.

My incision got infected obviously from pulling stitches.

What an absolute bastard. Please, please go to your mum's asap. You need support and he's never going to give you it.

What he said to you IS abuse.

DP worked 48-60 hours a week. He would come home on his lunch break to play with DS, to make me a cuppa and give me time to shower. Then when he got in, having usually picked up whatever shopping was needed first, he immediately took the baby, did whatever was needed - feeding, changing, bathing, walking the floor (colicky baby) to give me a break.
You know he's not a supportive partner or even a decent dad. Go back to your parents, let them support you and help you.
At best, it will shock him into realising that he's a twat, and work hard on being part of your family, at worst, you'll be as you were, except you won't have the seething resentment brewing when you see him lazing around the house when you are on your knees with exhaustion.

If you don't, think ahead to when a toddler is in his face, interrupting his gaming and how he's likely to react to your DS. Do you think he would actually watch toddler DS (they need eyes on them all the time!) The newborn stage is relatively easy that way - they stay where you left them, they don't pick up wires and put them in their mouths or play with game discs (ooh shiny!) or get into the detergent cupboard when Dad is engrossed in his game and mum's taking out the bins.
Think long and hard if this is the future you want, the future your son deserves, and the example of how to be a man you want to show your DS.
I would say LTB temporarily with a view to thinking about a permanent LTB.