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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to give dh an ultimatum?

198 replies

Nina9406 · 10/11/2020 23:58

Dh and I have a 3 month old son. We don't have family near and he works shifts so I'm always taking care of ds alone. On his days off he says he needs to rest and does the minimum (make his own food, do his own laundry) . I have expressed to him countless times how lonely I am and that I worry about pnd, since I spent pretty much every night crying with a baby that won't sleep. I'm shattered and I would still be okay even if he just spent some time with us without helping instead of being all day and night in the living room playing fifa. He has his holidays now, two weeks starting today . We had a huge fight when I asked him to come sit with me and the baby and talk since I miss adult conversation so much. He told me "what I'm going to do here?"
So now I told him that ds is his responsibility for a week, so we both get a week of holidays. He said there's no way he's doing that, and I told him if he doesn't I'll take ds and go to my parents. Aibu?

OP posts:
Oreservoir · 11/11/2020 08:28

If your baby is only 3 months and you're 26 you have got a whole shining future ahead of you.
Do you really want it to be like this?
In 10 years do you want to be back on here with 2 or 3 young dc complaining you're doing everything yourself whilst the manchild plays fifa?
Don't settle aim higher.

IJustWantSomeBees · 11/11/2020 08:29

And if he has PND it is his responsibility to seek help for it, mental health issues are not an excuse to treat the people in your life like crap, even if you are a man (believe it or not!).

honeylulu · 11/11/2020 08:34

So you rent - that's good, makes it easier to separate. Please leave and go to your parents. The fact they've told you to leave him, with such a young baby, is telling. You'll get much more support there.

Your husband is a dead end. He barely helps with baby, doesn't help at home, lambasts you for not earning (even though he wanted a baby ffs) and doesn't even seem to like you. I'm gobsmacked he makes food for himself but won't hold the baby while you do the same, or make an extra sandwich for you which would take 30 seconds! There is literally no point in staying there, struggling and, to add insult to injury , being ignored.

I know you say you want to feel like you've tried your best but the thing about trying is that its pointless if the other partner won't try AT ALL.

Pringlemonster · 11/11/2020 08:37

What a nasty man ..how did you end up with such a useless one

Mix56 · 11/11/2020 08:38

What is stopping him doing your laundry too, or cooking for you ?
Does he make you a cup of tea even ?

You can do better than this

ReallySpicyCurry · 11/11/2020 08:40

YANBU. My husband works 12 hour shifts and he was up at 4am settling our toddler back to sleep - she was hysterical as there was a storm outside and her molars are coming in. It took 45 minutes. He then slept for half an hour, woke up, brought me coffee and was at work before 7.30.

Take your baby to your parents. Tell him you'll be back once he's decided to man up and stop being such a spoilt lazy little boy. Get a good sleep, have a bath and let your mum and dad feed you up a bit. Go for good long walks and get some fresh air

WineNotTheLabel · 11/11/2020 08:41

@PlanDeRaccordement welcome to parenthood? Wtaf?

They are BOTH parents and only one if them is acting like it.

Coming into a room ito settle and feed sn't looking after the baby, he should take the baby to another room and give you peace. Not even making you a sandwich when he is taking a break from gaming is shit.

Going to your parents may give him s wake up call or just a nice jolly. Is there anywhere you can go for the day to rest and leave him with the baby. He has no idea how shattering it is to have a needy baby.

if your parents will help them go and get some rest. I'm not sure ultimatums will work. You need to prioritise the needs of you and your baby.

Saracen · 11/11/2020 08:44

I don't want to break my family without doing my best first, especially since there's no abuse.

Okay, then don't make a permanent split just yet if you don't feel right about doing that. But you clearly need some support at this moment and a rest and a chance to think things through. It is hard to make good decisions when you are under so much stress.

Tell him you are taking some time out to think about the future of your relationship, and go to your parents for a while. This would also give him the opportunity to understand that you are seriously unhappy and he may give the matter some thought too.

Brefugee · 11/11/2020 08:46

I'm not sure I agree with this. He'd be getting a hard time if OP said she did all the cleaning and made all the food.

OP, it doesn't sound like a great situation, but I'd be wary of listening too much to people on here who happily tell you to LTB when they have no skin in the game as it were. These types of threads always seem to attract a certain type of poster (although admittedly perhaps some people reply because they've 'been there'.

it is selfish and pathetic to cook only your own food and do only your own washing when your wife, mother of your young child does it all normally. It's not normal, and from OPs other posts it is abusive. Ignoring her? Dismissing her mental health?

OP I'd go to my parents - plan to go for the entire two weeks of his holiday plus maybe a week and then see how you feel.

I'm with PP - if you were my daughter I'd be asking you to come to us for breathing space to work out what you want to do next. If he were my son I'd be telling him to pull his finger out and suggest he come to me for a few weeks to see what he's going to do next.

But you definitely need a break and you're not going to get it while he's doing his own thing.

Chickoletta · 11/11/2020 08:48

LTB and go to your parents’ house.

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/11/2020 08:50

Coming into a room ito settle and feed sn't looking after the baby, he should take the baby to another room and give you peace.

Yes it is looking after the baby. Or what are you suggesting by going to another room to settle the baby? Having the baby sleep on a sofa and suffocate? The room in question is the room with the baby’s cot. So of course you are going to settle the baby there in that room. Alternatively, mum could go to another room. She’s hardly looking after the baby if she’s lying in bed and ignoring it.

Ellapaella · 11/11/2020 08:54

Don't be afraid of leaving with a small baby. You can do it, with the support of your family you can leave and set up on your own with your baby and eventually get a job of your own. I know it seems impossible at the time but once you've done it you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. It's far better to be alone than living with such resentment for someone who is not taking responsibility and is emotionally detached.
I left the father of my first child when ds was a newborn - it felt like the hardest thing in the world at the time but it was the right thing to do and I felt such relief at getting out of that situation.
To this day I have no regrets about it, 18 years on and I can see if I stayed I'd have been miserable and trapped for years.
We've both moved on, he actually took far more responsibility for our son once we separated and it was the making of him as a father in some ways.
Life is too short to live like this.. it really is.

Italiangreyhound · 11/11/2020 08:55

Agree with Saracen

",,,then don't make a permanent split just yet if you don't feel right about doing that. But you clearly need some support at this moment and a rest and a chance to think things through. It is hard to make good decisions when you are under so much stress."

I would also suggest marriage counselling. How long have you been married. Was he always like this, game playing, doing his own laundry and food and ignoring you etc? Or is this recent?

Henrietty · 11/11/2020 08:56

Sorry op. You shouldn’t have to beg your own husband to get him to help you. The fact you’ve actually told him you’re worried about pnd, and he’s ignored that too, shows he doesn’t value you at all.

I was a sahp when dc were younger. Dh worked full time and would leave the house 7am and be home around 8pm. He still came home and helped me with anything I needed. I was so exhausted one night when dd was sick and he stayed up all night with her, even though he had work the next morning. I don’t think either of us slept

You and your dc deserve better. Go to your parents and don’t look back. He’s literally showing you his colours, you need to pay attention.

DanceWMe · 11/11/2020 08:56

He sounds like a complete fucking loser and I would 100% leave and go to my parents!

Nina9406 · 11/11/2020 09:00

@planderaccordement he comes from the living room after he pauses his game. I'd love for him to stay in the room but he wants to play and he keeps all lights on and if he takes ds there he won't he able to sleep

OP posts:
Thehop · 11/11/2020 09:03

Your dh/do is a massive childish man child cock nostril who will only get worse and expects you to solo parent and him swoop in for an odd photo opportunity.

It will get worse.

Either leave him with ds and have a day at your parents resting and thinking or take ds with you to your parents for a few weeks whilst you have a think.

You and your baby deserve far better.

Nina9406 · 11/11/2020 09:08

@planderaccordement also I don't appreciate the passive aggressive "laying in bed ignoring it comment". I make the bottles, prepare the changing station, and catch up on chores, something I spent all night doing and I still am

OP posts:
RealBecca · 11/11/2020 09:08

Why would you give him an ultimatum!? It implies you still want to be with him. He either knows he's being a twat and is fine with it or he really doesn't see the problem, which is a big problem!

Ultimatum and going to your parents only show that they are more supportive of you and your baby than he, the father of your child, is. Think about that. Really think about it. Then do what you know is right.

Karwomannghia · 11/11/2020 09:11

Go now while your baby is still young, give him the upbringing he deserves and you the life you would choose. You’re free to go.

Requinblanc · 11/11/2020 09:13

If you need to give someone an 'ultimatum' to get them to do something it usually is a sign that things have gone way past the point of salvaging...

pearljamming · 11/11/2020 09:13

You and your baby deserve much better OP.

First babies are hard, and do unsettle relationships as everyone works out how to be parents. Your DH is not even trying to be a parent, he doesn't seem to have any interest in baby or you.

Go to your parents, get some rest and support, then decide how to move forward when you're ready.

DailyCandy · 11/11/2020 09:15

He's a pig. Leave him. He's no use to you.

Angelina82 · 11/11/2020 09:16

I’m sorry but you are married to a selfish manchild. You and your son deserve better than this. Go to your parents, take any help they offer you, get your head straight and find the strength to get rid of man boy if she doesn’t show by his actions that he will change. Good luck. Flowers

isupposeitsverynice · 11/11/2020 09:17

in my experience it is much easier to be a single parent than cohabit with an utter bellend. go and stay with your mum. have a rest. ponder your options. you deserve a better life than you'll have with him

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