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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aibu to give dh an ultimatum?

198 replies

Nina9406 · 10/11/2020 23:58

Dh and I have a 3 month old son. We don't have family near and he works shifts so I'm always taking care of ds alone. On his days off he says he needs to rest and does the minimum (make his own food, do his own laundry) . I have expressed to him countless times how lonely I am and that I worry about pnd, since I spent pretty much every night crying with a baby that won't sleep. I'm shattered and I would still be okay even if he just spent some time with us without helping instead of being all day and night in the living room playing fifa. He has his holidays now, two weeks starting today . We had a huge fight when I asked him to come sit with me and the baby and talk since I miss adult conversation so much. He told me "what I'm going to do here?"
So now I told him that ds is his responsibility for a week, so we both get a week of holidays. He said there's no way he's doing that, and I told him if he doesn't I'll take ds and go to my parents. Aibu?

OP posts:
Fluffycloudland77 · 11/11/2020 07:04

You have tried though, you don’t have to do anything else. You can just go:

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/11/2020 07:13

YANBU, but your ultimatum is pretty childish.

With a young baby, there are no weeks or days off. Only hours off. Welcome to Parenthood.

That said, your DH should be leaving everything to you. I’m happy to see he’s been doing the feeding and settling this evening. That shows effort and listening. I’d recommend you both sitting down and working out a routine for when he is at work and when he is off work. You need a break from baby for a few hours now and then, and so does he (to play fifa). As for the three of you together, just sitting and talking can be mind numbing, what did you like to do before baby? Lockdown limits things. But you can go for a walk in a park with a thermos of coffee. Walk and chat. Or sit together and watch Netflix while baby sleeps nearby.

Throwing out crazy ultimatums “you care for the baby for a week by yourself or I’m leaving” isn’t going to help the situation. It only escalates things.

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/11/2020 07:14

ooops, there should be a not in there. Your DH should not* be leaving everything to you.

Daisymaze · 11/11/2020 07:27

*His side is this, he gets tired at work, and "what about all the other mums how they do it alone?"

You are not alone though. He sounds like a lazy, selfish prick in honesty. I would go to your parents and never look back.

billybagpuss · 11/11/2020 07:42

Throwing out crazy ultimatums “you care for the baby for a week by yourself or I’m leaving” isn’t going to help the situation. It only escalates things

She wouldn’t have thrown out the ultimatum if she hadn’t reached the end of her tether as he refuses to engage with the relationship, and taking 2 weeks holiday to play fifa and do nothing when you have a wife struggling with a newborn is bloody selfish.

OP
I think you have to accept that as it stands at the moment he has checked out. You have tried to engage him and it’s not working, he had this image of being the Disney dad taking him to matches and playing football and the reality of sleep deprivation and dirty nappies is very different. I think you need to go to your mums even if just for the weekend to get yourself some space and perspective. As things stand with lockdown you really should stay there until it’s lifted but at the moment you are in a toxic environment where he gets angry with you if you ask for help. It’s not doing you any good and talking is achieving nothing. Look after yourself and get so,e sleep at your mums then the way forward will be clearer.

KatherineJaneway · 11/11/2020 07:45

he didn't expect it to be this hard he says.

He doesn't do anything Confused

NoSquirrels · 11/11/2020 07:48

He’s 36?

You’re 26?

Baby is 3 months?

Oh love - leave today don’t look back. He can come and grovel to you, don’t you dare beg him for any more.

Puzzlelover · 11/11/2020 07:51

If you were my daughter I'd be saying come home. And if he was my son I'd be reading him the riot act. This isn't OK at all.
All the best @Nina9406 Flowers

LastGoldenDaysOfSummer · 11/11/2020 07:55

There is no joy in this man, OP.

Fishfingersandwichplease · 11/11/2020 07:58

What an absolute twat - if you stay, your baby will grow up seeing his crap behaviour and will think that is normal. My DH isn't the most hands on dad in the world but my god he does a million percent more than your DH.

Italiangreyhound · 11/11/2020 08:01

He sounds like he is addicted to the games and a hopeless case. Very sad. Make a life you enjoy.

Flowers
Nottherealslimshady · 11/11/2020 08:05

@Nina9406 I think you need to really stick to your guns and this will either make or break the relationship.
He's decided he doesn't want a family anymore, it was easier being single.
So either spending this week with his son will remind him that he loves him and wants to spend time with him. Or it'll solidify his feelings that he doesn't want to be a dad. Or he'll refuse to do it and you need to leave him. Be prepared for him not paying maintenance and seeing his son every other weekend. But you deserve better.

CorianderBlues · 11/11/2020 08:08

@PyongyangKipperbang

He wanted it all,FAST btw. Our total relationship, from dating to seperating including having DD, lasted slighty less than 2.5 years.
That's crazy.
BrimFullOfAsher · 11/11/2020 08:11

I haven't seen anyone ask, so let's say he does this week (granted whilst being a dick to you) but then carries on before? What then?

ThatsMeChickenArm · 11/11/2020 08:13

You say you want to try harder since there's no abuse

This is nothing BUT abuse Nina come on! This is why you are breaking down. You are being abused and shoehorned into the role of providing a mothering role to both your DC and your twat of a husband and providing a concierge service for him. Abuse.

LuaDipa · 11/11/2020 08:14

@Puzzlelover

If you were my daughter I'd be saying come home. And if he was my son I'd be reading him the riot act. This isn't OK at all. All the best *@Nina9406* Flowers
This.

I would be ashamed of a son of mine behaving like this. Please go and stay with your mum, she will be worried sick witnessing this.

Please don’t tolerate this behaviour, things will work out.Flowers

Sunshineandflipflops · 11/11/2020 08:14

My ex husband wasn't perfect (hence being my ex husband) but my God, when we had our children, he would get home from work and take over. He would not just spend time with them because he 'had' to, he would want to after not seeing them all day. We would each get a weekend lie in and spend most of the weekends together as a family...because that's what we were and that's what you sign up to when you decide to have a baby!

You didn't agree to be a single parent, you went into this as a partnership but have ended up with a baby and a sulky teenager thrown in.

I'd be having a serious sit down talk with him about your relationship and letting him know this does not continue. If he wants to be a part-time dad then that's what he gets but when he has your ds on his days, he won't have someone else to do all the work. You on the other hand will get a nice break.

stillsomewhatsheldonesque · 11/11/2020 08:14

My lovely.

You say you want to give your family your best shot because he isn’t abusing you.

But he is. And I will tell you this, if I’d have had the choice between the battering or the emotional abuse, the ignoring, the mind games and the like? It is the latter I wouldn’t like to endure again.

Bodies and bones mend (mostly) quicker than your mind.

Go to your mam. You deserve better.

He doesn’t deserve either of you. Flowers

LouiseTrees · 11/11/2020 08:19

[quote Nina9406]@pumpkinpie01 he didn't expect it to be this hard he says. We rent[/quote]
He’s got it easy by the sounds of it. What he means is I didn’t expect I’d have to change my life at all.

Itsorange · 11/11/2020 08:22

Shift work is a red herring. I work shifts and have done since long before I was a parent. I manage just fine, in fact in some ways it's easier than traditional hours because I'm home during the day a lot. He just can't handle how difficult being a parent to a young baby is, so he's using that as an excuse.
Go but don't expect him to change. And even if he does, he has to sustain that change forever. Do you really think he will?

LouiseTrees · 11/11/2020 08:22

[quote Nina9406]@lordlancington I don't want to break my family without doing my best first, especially since there's no abuse. I understand that people are trying to make me feel better/motivate me to stand up for myself and I'm thankful for that. His side is this, he gets tired at work, and "what about all the other mums how they do it alone?"[/quote]
If they are in a relationship they don’t. If they are a single mum they usually heavily lean on their parents or reach breaking point. Sounds a complete twat.

Valkadin · 11/11/2020 08:23

My family was 250 miles away. DH took baby downstairs and I would lay in till midday every Saturday. We also put DS in nursery 2 mornings a week when I was on ML.

I am not fond of ultimatums but can see exactly why you have done it and it is the sort that needs to be followed through. Sorry you are having such a dreadful time.

LouiseTrees · 11/11/2020 08:24

[quote Nina9406]@lordlancington mental health is very important to me since I have family history of mh problems. When I was pregnant I would ofter tell him that pnd in men is common and valid, and he could always talk to me about it. Since we had ds I make a point regularly to ask him how he's feeling and to tell him I'm always available to help him. His response is that mh problems are for people with weak minds which is a bit hurtful tbf[/quote]
You need to tell your parents what you have said here and you also need to let his parents know how he is acting ( if you can organically add it to a conversation about them coming over to see the baby but they can’t for 2 weeks as you are off to your mums because ...).

IJustWantSomeBees · 11/11/2020 08:27

@LordLancington

It's also possible he could be suffering from PND and may improve (men can get it too). It seems he was keen before, som maybe is struggling to adapt and needs some time. People are very quick to dismiss men's mental health issues as many men hide them and pretend to be fine. Maybe his way of coping is to hide away on his games to get a sense of normality.
And what about the OP's mental health? That he is directly impacting with his selfishness? Mums don't get the choice of retreating into video games and not parenting their children properly, OP says herself that she is worried she has/will get PND but does he care? Honestly, this man is not being a good partner or a good parent and we don't need people coming on here excusing that, it is clear from OP's updates that he is a douche and thinks his mediocre job excuses him from doing anything to help raise the child he helped bring into the world.
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/11/2020 08:27

This is so far from healthy or normal or equal. I think he has given you no choice but to leave to be honest. You've talked to him and he is not listening. What kind of person tries to justify not doing anything with pointing out single mums do everything themselves? Why does he think having a job absolved him of all responsibilities as a parent - he is only saying that about a job for you as its impossible at the moment, can you really see him doing 50 50 at home if you were working? And what kind of person doesn't actually care that you're crying and struggling.
He is not acting anything like a partner or a parent. Don't see it as an ultimatum. See it as preparing to leave and if he changes it's a bonus. But the chances of him changing are low, as not only has he made no effort so far, he has basically said he doesnt think he needs to, so even if he promised to change I think it would be just words. And if he senses you're not serious I dont think he will take it seriously. There is only a small chance of this working out, sorry, so prepare to leave now