To be sick of hearing....

[Wibblywobbly40]

Before anyone jumps on me this not aimed at everyone but a select few

AIBU to be sick of hearing i need a break or you are lucky from single parent friends (who's children's fathers are involved).

I understand everyone needs a break from their parenting life but I find my single parent friends seem to crave that break alot even though all of my single parent friends only have their kids some 50/50 and a couple 5 days a week. They also like to tell me and a couple of other friends we are lucky to have partners to split the load.

In reality or at least my reality I have my DC's 24/7 regardless whether their dad is home or not the majority of us family households don't get 2-3 night breaks each week, my DH works full time sometimes 13 hour days which is bringing him in late so most of the time DC's are in bed but when he is off and we are splitting the load neither of us get a break regardless until they go to bed.

I think we are very lucky and blessed to be able to enjoy the kids together, but him walking through the door doesn't automatically mean I get a break it's means then there are 2 of us making the load lighter.

Is it only me that thinks that way that in reality single parents get more of a break than parents together get?? And single parents shouldn't automatically assume that's its easier because there is 2 of us??

@shaniac I don't I only have my mum who I care for and she is not capable of looking after the children now, I can get a night off as soon as its over we will just do it separately

Because shes a single mother she can do no wrong.

That's how you think society views single mothers in general?

I don't know why you and OP don't just become single parents yourselves if it's so great.

I am going to go against the grain here and agree with op.

A free day and evening every week, and a completely free weekend every other week to do as you please and go out dating or with friends and family! Hell yeah. Much better than being stuck home every weekend unless you pay for a baby sitter - and even the you have to get home early and be up early with the kids.

Being a single mum definitely has a number of advantages over being part of a couple. Even more so if it’s 50/50 cars. They get total one on one time and total time of. Mums in a couple rarely get either

I picked up on the ‘making the load lighter’ meaning that even if your other half does 13 hours - he can walk through the door and you can say ‘can you just do the washing? While I wrestle the little ones into bed?’ Or insert boring tedious daily task in where appropriate.. I am a single parent who was working through till 5.30 tonight, having had back to back meetings from 9 this morning. I then put washing in, took washing out, hung it out on the line (shock I do hang it out at night weather dependent) cooked some pasta concoction, listened to my 8 year old tell me about who invented Thermometers, did Maths revision with my 11 year old and then worked from 8-9.30 to catch up on emails, then organised two lunch boxes for tomorrow and ironed my kids PE kits. If you think about that sequence on repeat for 5 days, throw in some glorious retelling of the time ExH did something wonderful for them, the constant battles with the CMS to get any sort of payment from him, school emails, my daughter starting her periods, new school friend angst, hormones, a feeling of being on my own and the possibility of that being long term, by the time I get to my glorious one weekend ‘off’ I still have housework to do and no where to go due to lockdown so I’m a useless wreck. No-one comes through my door of an evening to share that house work or mental load and yet my friends all tell me they are jealous of me. I laugh, as another poster said it’s the mental exhaustion not just the day to day which makes it all not feel like a break. So I see another posters biscuit and raise you a barrel. Getting through it as a parent is hard, you can be single for years even as a couple, if you can’t ask your partner for help now then at least you know what your potential future can hold. Good luck with all those ‘breaks’

I don't know why you and OP don't just become single parents yourselves if it's so great.

Lots of people do become single mothers by choice. Isnt a strange notion.

I’m a single parent, and my life is a lot easier now than it was when I was with my ex.

[quote Wibblywobbly40]@ShebaShimmyShake no again we are off the point I never said they don't deserve a break you are putting your own spin on what I said, I said they are getting the break then moaning 2 days later that they need a break which either in 2 or 3 days time they will be getting a break but if I say yeah I could also do with a break at the minute times are stressful I just get the response you are lucky because you have a partner and yes I am lucky to have a partner but for the majority of the time we work so for the 2 or 3 hours a day except a weekend where we do food shopping or I sleep for and from work there isn't much time in between and I don't think my single friends understand that it's not all rosey because you are in a couple it is hard to catch an hour just to chill and take a brake and being in lockdown and hearing this for the 3rd time this week and me just being brushed off made me think why is it that my single friends think I have it so much easier than them

I was not aiming this at the whole entire mums net community I was saying why do my friends moan about needing a brake when 2 days before they didn't have their children for 2-3 days and me voicing needing a brake just gets brushed off like I shouldn't even be voicing it because they are single with kids and I am not[/quote]
Are you sure you're all friends? You don't seem to have much empathy.

Your friend needs a break because for the 5 days use has her kids she's doing it all totally alone and then when the kids are in bed she's sitting alone with no one to bounce the day, unwind with etc. No one is cooking tea whilst she tidies toys or putting one to bed whilst she does the other. So saying she needs / wants a break is fine, it's her feelings, they're valid. Try being supportive instead of competitive.

You also feel you need a break as your DH works long days so you're also cooking tea without help and putting all the kids to be alone SOME NIGHTS but you then get company, someone to pop the kettle on or get upstairs to see why the baby is crying. If your DH refuses to do anything because he's very important with his penis owning and important job, that's a DP problem. It wouldn't hurt her to empathize with the fact your husband doesn't do anything to help ok the house.

Of a weekend your friend has time alone but is probably also missing her kids and the fact she has no choice not to be with them. Again, empathy won't kill you.

Of a weekend you have someone to split the load. You should be able to take a few hours away of you need to, or you can do something fun as a family. Of your DP refuses to help with the kids etc, he's the problem and we'll, see above.

@Feelingthelobe

I am going to go against the grain here and agree with op.

A free day and evening every week, and a completely free weekend every other week to do as you please and go out dating or with friends and family! Hell yeah. Much better than being stuck home every weekend unless you pay for a baby sitter - and even the you have to get home early and be up early with the kids.

Being a single mum definitely has a number of advantages over being part of a couple. Even more so if it’s 50/50 cars. They get total one on one time and total time of. Mums in a couple rarely get either

Why can't you do out with friends and sleep in with a hangover once a fortnight?

@SleepingStandingUp

I can do it three times a week since my husband left. Life really is significantly easier now (and I was never really restricted on nights out before, but free time is now much more abundant)

Plus, when I do have the children I just focus on having fun with them, which again was much less frequent before

Having parented as a couple and as a single parent I can only say in my experience it is harder on your own.
I have to organise and fund absolutely everything which means yes my children go away every second weekend but I have taken up a second job so that I can still afford to fund all their hobbies, school trips etc as their dad pays absolute minimum maintenance and nothing extra.
So I never get a weekend off.
I also am the one that deals with any incidents doctors, gps etc. If I am I'll I don't have another adult to help. If we need medicine or milk after kids are in bed I can't just nip to the shop to pick it up.

I had to go to A&E over the weekend as my child broke a bone at their hobby. They wouldn't let me in with both children due to COVID restrictions. I could not get hold of ex partner so had to leave my youngest with his friends mum as I had no one else. It added extra stress to an already extremely stressful time.

The thing that I find most difficult with though is I have no one to share the special moments with the children with. No one who will feel the same joy I do seeing them compete in their sports or hear them learn a new word.
It's lonely being a lone parent.
It's definitely not easier than parenting as a couple at least not in my experience.

I will repeat it again because some people seem to think I don't have empathy for my friends, I do completely single parenting is hard, 50/50 care is hard because the days you are alone with your child you are the only one doing things, I totally get that.

Just because you are a single parent who does have the other parent involved 2-3 days and nights a week does not mean empathy should be one sided, if you are alone and the parent is absent for reasons out of your control then you have the hardest job in the world I whole heartly agree with you

I have took on board that maybe I didn't see the bigger picture and should not have categorised every single mother in the first instance of getting a break when some clearly do not my friends do tho, they also see it as a break

So forgive me for being sick of hearing the moaning from my friends about not getting time off when they do and admit it themselves but they are not willing to hear me it aldi clearly goes for some people on this post that empathy should only be given if you are a single parent regardless of someone elses situation

It's the last I will say on the matter

It's definitely not easier than parenting as a couple at least not in my experience.

That’s a pretty sweeping statement though, as are nearly all the others disagreeing with OP.

You can’t just say that being a single parent is harder. It depends on about a million factors and in lots of cases what OP posted is accurate. Single parents actually have an easier time than those in a more traditional family setup.

Sorry that’s not the case for some of you. For some of us it’s is

Wanna swap? I was with DD father until she was 5, we share 50 /50. I am still responsible for every doctor, dentist, holiday cover, sick day cover, whatever. I don't mind, or complain. Her father is a brilliant dad. But when I am with her for the time I am whether it's 4 days straight of normal sharing or holidays of more, it's chuffing hard whenyou are on your own. There is no one else. Literally no. One. Else. You can't just say, have her for a minute, or I am going for a bath, or I am going out. Or anything like. There is no respite. Nor should there be. But it is hard. So before you judge. Think about having a joint income, about having someone to have a 5 min break with. And btw, I work full time. And earn more than him. Not that it matters but it seemed to from your op

@banned I didn't mention anything about earning more than my DH or him me in my first post I have had to re read it again just there and I definitely didnt?? I did mention finances later on when someone jumped on me because how hard it is to be bringing the only wage in the house and how I couldn't understand it and I pointed out how I do understand it and have lived it that was all

[quote Feelingthelobe]@SleepingStandingUp

I can do it three times a week since my husband left. Life really is significantly easier now (and I was never really restricted on nights out before, but free time is now much more abundant)

Plus, when I do have the children I just focus on having fun with them, which again was much less frequent before[/quote]
I asked because you said about not going out without a babysitter. So I'll reframe.

Why can't partnered with with children go out once a fortnight and sleep in late? Why can't the men on alternate weeks? This idea that if you're in a couple your still forced to be with your kids 24/7 suggests the other half isn't pulling their weight

I think the thing is, don't compare, everyone has their own struggles. But, until you walk in another's shoes you will never know what they face. I had parents together and then parents apart. And I know first hand the struggle that single parents have. Even if they share custody. I appreciate you are struggling, instead maybe ask for help instead of pigeon holeing and alienating tjise who could offer support

So forgive me for being sick of hearing the moaning from my friends about not getting time off when they do and admit it themselves but they are not willing to hear me so perhaps you need better friends. The issue isn't about single or non single parents. It seems to be about your friends not hearing you when you're asking for support

If we are doing top trumps then surely I win. Single mother. Estranged DH chooses to only see son when I am with him as he doesn't feel comfortable looking after him alone. No family nearby.

No break whatsoever during the initial lockdown

But then I have nursery for a couple of days now.

Lots of people are in difficult positions but it's not about being single or in a couple. Every situation is different so you can't really generalise.

@SleepingStandingUp

It doesn’t suggest anyone isn’t pulling their weight (but let’s be honest. If someone posted that their DH wanted a night every other week where he could go out mid afternoon to watch the football, drink till 2am, and then sleep in until lunch the next day, the woman would be told he was feckless and that she should leave him)

It is undeniably easier to do those things, or have hobbies etc when you are childless for some of the time.

I realise my last comment may be flippant. I will leave it as, we all have our own cross to bear. I love the time with my DD and appreciate the time I have to try and make a new life for me when she is with her father. But, and the massive but, is, a lot falls on mother's, as much as I would argue against.

We all need a break from our childten

We all need a break from our daily lives.

Let's not compare each others, as that just breeds contempt.

I will have a gin with you.

When exDH and I were together anytime I wanted to go out, as in, out out, I had to arrange grandparents. So, yes, I see from both sides. But in the nicest way, I don't think you do OP. As you haven't ever had no one else ever around. That's the difference.

Sorry to jump on to something that seems so heated.
I see it from both sides as I have been on both sides OP I think you are being unreasonable to generalise.
I have a partner now but didn't he has no involvement with my daughter, my parents would have her for me for one night once a month it's so so hard being a single parent but I wouldn't say I get as much free time now my DP works long hours and he never minds having my daughter when the girls arrange a night out but it's not always viable as sometimes his working hours do not permit and he can't just take time off for me to go out and I seem to get that vibe from you that it's not the fact you are not allowed a break its finding the time to work that break into your schedule and not always when you have that free time are your friends available.
Where as you are getting the opportunity you don't always or are not always able to make plans in that free time. Lone parents with shared agreements know when they are going to be available and those plans will go ahead whether you are available or not.
Maybe say to your friends when will you be free and I will tagg along if I can make it work type thing.

There are certainly many couples where the wife does all the housework and looks after the kids, which is a situation that can't really happen when divorced with 50% custody.

Those pesky single mums eh? And the worst thing is everyone going on about how tough they have it when coupled up mums are really the true unsung heroes.

I mean think about it - the government and their exes supplement their income and they sometimes don't even work but we have to own money- on top of that we don't get a break while they get EOW off. Sharing the mental, emotional, financial load and having another adult present in the house is overrated. Married mums really don't get the recognition they deserve.

Nasty thread!

No single parents aren't getting a full break even if their kids aren't there full time because they STILL bear the majority if not all the load of the emotional, practical, financial and logistical needs of their family.

I've been in a 2 parent family where ex was there, as an army wife I've also had times when he was deployed after dd was born or on training exercise and I've been a single mum.

I guarantee you the single parenting was the toughest and most relentless.

There's NOBODY else to bear any of the load in any meaningful way.

If you're struggling for whatever reason address that with their dad and if they're old enough with dc to an extent (ie if they're old enough to do more chores and aren't doing or are unnecessarily creating work for you)

On the rare occasions when ex had dd I used that time to catch up on housework that was lagging, sorting my budget, shopping, sleep!

I wasn't sat on my arse relaxing!

I sincerely strongly advise you to NEVER even give a hint of these thoughts to your single parent friends you have NO IDEA what it's like for them!

REALLY OFFENSIVE POST!