To be sick of hearing....

[Wibblywobbly40]

Before anyone jumps on me this not aimed at everyone but a select few

AIBU to be sick of hearing i need a break or you are lucky from single parent friends (who's children's fathers are involved).

I understand everyone needs a break from their parenting life but I find my single parent friends seem to crave that break alot even though all of my single parent friends only have their kids some 50/50 and a couple 5 days a week. They also like to tell me and a couple of other friends we are lucky to have partners to split the load.

In reality or at least my reality I have my DC's 24/7 regardless whether their dad is home or not the majority of us family households don't get 2-3 night breaks each week, my DH works full time sometimes 13 hour days which is bringing him in late so most of the time DC's are in bed but when he is off and we are splitting the load neither of us get a break regardless until they go to bed.

I think we are very lucky and blessed to be able to enjoy the kids together, but him walking through the door doesn't automatically mean I get a break it's means then there are 2 of us making the load lighter.

Is it only me that thinks that way that in reality single parents get more of a break than parents together get?? And single parents shouldn't automatically assume that's its easier because there is 2 of us??

Ok so 1 out of my 6 single parent friends works she Co parents with the father and he has the children on her dads off to give her the free time that she deserves which is fine like I have said and will reiterate everyone deserves free time as do their children deserve to see their other parent

I do not see the single parents that work in the time the children are with their other parent as getting a break because you are not getting a break

The others that don't work, don't for various reasons some are because of their own mental health and some are just because they don't want to work but that's their choice I do not judge them on that

I am not blaming my friends or putting it on them that I don't get that free time that they do (again they see it as free time this not my words this is what the voice)

My gripe was and I will say it again for the sake of sounding like a broken record that I was sick of hearing it from people who do actually get a break and seeing at one complain 2 days later after having their break they needed another one but if I mentioned it then i should be quite because I have a partner

I’m not sure why OP is getting so flamed with some nasty comments

Her post was merely stating that she’s sick of being told that’s it’s ok for her as she has a partner

We have no idea what the “set-up” is in her household or anyone else’s household. Whether they have a partner or not. Everyone has differing amounts of help and support, single or not single

For sure everyone’s situation is different

I'm a SP and I don't take offence to what you are saying and I am in the 24/7 category with a break every couple of weeks. Like with anything there are positives and negatives to this situation.

Everyone has their own shit to deal with, and maybe just crack on with your own life and if you don't like it, do something to change it rather than moaning about your friends on line

If you don't get a break that's because you and your husband aren't structuring your time properly.

Would you like to spend Christmas without your kids? Or their birthdays? Because that's what your single parent friends are having to do.

There are 2 of you making the load lighter...
I get it though. In my old life I used to think how marvellous it would be to get some 'freedom' and time to myself without kids. Looked with envy on those who 'seemed' to be living it up post-split. Ho ho ho.. be careful what you wish for.
Honestly? The loneliness is crushing. There is no-one. No-one to help if you get sick, no-one to make even a cup of tea, no-one to lean on in any way whatsoever. I really was clueless as to how miserable and hard and horrible it would be. Had I known- I'd have changed my tune about many many things that I didn't appreciate when I was married.
Yes, I absolutely try to wring all the joy and fulfilment I can out of child-free time. Put a brave face on. I can see why people on the outside might think this looks wonderful. It really fucking well is not.

look when there are 2 people 'making the load lighter' it's a lot more bearable. Try imagining all your morning and evening tasks and responsibilities as if it were you, single-handedly, doing everything.

It is really hard to hear moaning about someone else's partner as not having done 'x' or that he's forgotten 'y', knowing that you are single-handedly responsible for everything
I want to punch these people in the face when they are so oblivious: "Oh, well I fit in a run during son's swimming" (because partner is looking after the other children try running with a recalcitrant 6 year old love ) "oh we catch up for wine on a sunday night" (because partner is looking after the other children and can put them to bed on time) "oh it's so annoying to come home (after a fun activity) and find he hasn't even put the rice on and I really want dinner the minute I come home.." (ffs)

I have my kids 24/7 rarely their dad has one of them (the eldest) for an hour i have

No one to talk to no grown up person to speak to about anything ever

No one to watch them so I can get stuff done housework banking schoolwork

No one to share chores with if I vomit or im seriously ill I still need to cook food and get them to school on time

I cracked a bone in my foot once couldn't walk in it I could drive (although I probably shouldn't have) i had to hold down a full time job childcare school runs and he made me pick the kids up from him due to "car trouble"

Admittedly my job is harder due to my youngest sen needs but its still pretty fucked up that two parent households think I dont have the right to complain once in a while when everything literally everything financial physical emotional rests on my shoulders and mine alone

2020 and still being judged fucks sake

It's not about how hard it is being a SP though
I'm sure it's bloody hard work and a massive responsibility because everything is down to you
The point is a certain number of SP get free time when their children are with the other parent. Of course it doesn't happen in every case and some SP don't get a break. However OP was talking those who do.
If your child is with the other parent for x amount of time then you have free time.
It's much harder to get free time if you are a 2 parent household because your children are always there.

Maybe you and your DP should split up then? Because it’s soooo easy being a single parent🙄.

"I want to complain about Demographic X because they have it easier than I have. No, not THOSE members of Demographic X. Or those ones. Or those ones. Or those ones. Yeah, not those ones either. Yes, these ones! This small, specific subset of Demographic X! I've identified the ones I think have it better than I have! They shouldn't complain!...

...no, of course I don't want to join them."

First of all OP your brave for starting this...

I agree with you though. I’ve had comments about how easier I have it because my DH is around. These come from single mums who’s kids spend half their time at their Dads & Dads families homes and who have active social life’s because they get so many child free days. I don’t get any at all unless my DH takes over. As a couple we don’t get any time child free time together at all unless he takes a day of work.

These come from single mums who’s kids spend half their time at their Dads & Dads families homes and who have active social life’s because they get so many child free days

Can anyone explain why it bothers non-single parents so much that a single parent might have an active social life? Is that not allowed? Should we be wallowing in misery when our children aren't with us? Do you think it would be better for both us and our children if we sat around being miserable?

Can I also ask if you think that having freetime when your children go off to their other parent is a good thing, how you think it might feel to have to do that? To have on-going conflict (which is pretty normal) as a background to your life and that of your children, to not see your child at Xmas, to have your child go off and have experiences you could never afford, to have your child told you're.....(insert anything negative here, a bitch, a cow, useless, stupid, disgusting are all words that my ex has used with my children about me). Do you really think that's a good thing? Or do you think it might be stressful and upsetting? Do you think that stress and upset is somehow worth off setting against the odd day free?

My husband works abroad . I have 2 kids - one with type 1 diabetes often requiring round the clock monitoring. I actually don't get a break, but just having Dh as a partner, albeit distant geographically, makes things so much easier to cope with and less relentless.

As you so clearly pointed out in your op, you 'share' the load!
Not all single parents get to share the load.
It's just them.
So easier? Nope.

You have to be kidding. Single parenting is a whole new ballgame, and anyone who does it is to be admired.

Whilst the OP was poorly worded and an emotive subject for many of us who have nobody and no break. I do feel that she is deserving of compassion from her friends.

Being in a relationship does come with some difficulties too. Not the bone tired, relentless onslaught of emotional and physical sole responsibility and fear of lone parenting, without a break, but still there is hardship.

We have been locked down and living a half life this year, people are working harder and longer hours. If her friends are getting a break, that they are entitled to, why no compassion for her, who isn't getting that time?

Night work is hell, your body doesn't just snap in to the changed cycle. It is a struggle to maintain.

OP, your friends need to hear you. Yes, they have it hard, but it isn't a competition. You deserve to be heard too.

I don’t think anyone should judge a parent tbh whatever their circumstances.

My ex has always had my children every other weekend and one night in the week. In theory he’s great.
However, the mental load of sorting hospital, doctors, dentist, speech therapy, podiatry, ot, physio, school and other appointments for 4 children, (2 with autism, 2 with complex dental issues, 1 with gastro issues etc etc) is all on me. As is the huge majority of the emotional labour, and all of their hobbies. All of maintaining friendships when they were smaller and all the relationship woes now they are older. Most of the help with homework is on me.
I also have a ft job. And a sick parent.

So my 4 days a month off are not as great as you might think.

All I have left to say is a spoke to my friends about this, this morning I posted about this earlier it might be the previous page or the one before that I am not quite sure, it is resolved on my end.

You all have your opinions and are entitled to them just as I am mine.

Thank you to the few people who have seen my side not only people in relationships but single parents also

To the majority of people who have posted and have been outraged because they thought I was aiming at single parents who don't get any help and do it all on there own, I wasn't regardless how much you argue with me about it, I actually do admire how you all suck it up and get on with it because you have to and the love for your children drives you to be the best you can be

I won't be replying to this thread anymore

There’s no one size fits all answer is there.

If you’re a single parent but with an ex who shares custody/mental load and is a decent person then I can imagine this is much easier than in a bad relationship where there isn’t equality.

Will also depend how straightforward the kids are and the complexities of the effect of the break up on them.

So yes I think the scenario where you have actual time off could be easier. But probably if you’re in an unhappy relationship/your partner works so long hours they do bugger all to help at home/share the load then having proper time off could be much better

How about just leaving it at simply being a parent is hard. There are endless variations in circumstances and it’s not a competition about who has it hardest. Especially now, life is tough. Let’s just have each other’s backs.

I mean, DP and his ex are civil but certainly not best friends. He is able to have fun and a good time when his child is with his ex wife. Many would say he has the best of both worlds and even he would agree with that. With that said, it isn't easy when he doesn't get to see his kid some Christmas mornings as it's his ex's turn or doesn't get to spend birthdays with his child. So yes he get lots of breaks but there is a payoff as well.

Here have a

Very unreasonable.

Mental, physical and financial load on one set of shoulders. It wipes you out. So a night or weekend off is not unreasonable and is required by lone parents although a vast amount don't actually get this "break".

There are single parent families that have spent the last 6 months juggling home educating their children along with trying to WFH. Can you imagine how utterly fucking exhausting that has been.

That's been me. For 6 months.

In the politest way, fuck off OP.

“They also like to tell me and a couple of other friends we are lucky to have partners to split the load”

This is the whole point OP. You have your DH to split the load. Not just with regards to the chores or school stuff(the fact that it doesn’t happen is your issue), but also the finances, future planning, holidays, decision making etc.

As a single parent you are solely responsible for it all despite any financial support or “time off” you may get from the ex.

I’ve been on both sides and believe me the weight of that responsibility is massive.
So YABVU.

I see the OP has decided to run away.