To be sick of hearing....

[Wibblywobbly40]

Before anyone jumps on me this not aimed at everyone but a select few

AIBU to be sick of hearing i need a break or you are lucky from single parent friends (who's children's fathers are involved).

I understand everyone needs a break from their parenting life but I find my single parent friends seem to crave that break alot even though all of my single parent friends only have their kids some 50/50 and a couple 5 days a week. They also like to tell me and a couple of other friends we are lucky to have partners to split the load.

In reality or at least my reality I have my DC's 24/7 regardless whether their dad is home or not the majority of us family households don't get 2-3 night breaks each week, my DH works full time sometimes 13 hour days which is bringing him in late so most of the time DC's are in bed but when he is off and we are splitting the load neither of us get a break regardless until they go to bed.

I think we are very lucky and blessed to be able to enjoy the kids together, but him walking through the door doesn't automatically mean I get a break it's means then there are 2 of us making the load lighter.

Is it only me that thinks that way that in reality single parents get more of a break than parents together get?? And single parents shouldn't automatically assume that's its easier because there is 2 of us??

Yes it's great, the money worries, the concern of losing my job due to covid as that's on the cards at the moment, the stress of bereavement with no support, the fact that the other so called parent refuses to see them and hasn't seen them for years, the dealing with self isolation alone, the supporting them through a levels and GCSEs in a very difficult time, the worrying about elderly relatives without any support from a partner, the trying to run a house and work full time, not having another person to share the increased bills that covid is bringing.

It's all so easy being a single parent. It's still easier than doing it when with the moron I was stupid enough to have children with but that's all my fault, right ?

So you're moaning that being a mum every day of the week is too hard? What did you think parenting was all about OP? Palming your kids off onto someone else for a couple of nights a week so you can put your feet up and drink rosé? Surely you knew that you'd be doing a 24/7 job because that's what being a parent is

YABVU, single parents have it way harder and if you voice these opinions IRL I'd be shocked if you even have friends.

Ever thought that maybe they downplay it? Maybe they don't moan about their life to you and expect you to get the violins out because they're just getting on with it.

@Heatherjayne1972

Wow. I’ll swap with you op if you like You can have my full time ( stressful responsible ) job. A part time job. A child with adhd plus two more kids. a home to run and pay for plus all the other life admin stuff Alone

You can deal with an irresponsible ex who refuses to have his children because parenting ‘isn’t his job’ What Does he pay ?- nothing
What do you think. Do you want to swap?

Single parenting isn’t all sitting around wondering what to do next.

You’ve annoyed me with this post

OP isn’t talking about people like yourself who does 100% of everything-stop being so offended

Being a single parent is HARD, add in the fact of a child with ASD and ADHD, and a ex who only has them 3 times a month for one night.

But ultimately what people forget is it's the child care, on top of a full time job, with house work, after school club's, shopping ect it's honestly exhausting. I would love to have someone to just push the hoover around or fold the washing ect.

My ex was a useless twat so it didn't make much difference, but i envy those who have children with a partner who helps and is happy ect

I'm a single parent with no extended family. Exh only sees one child and stopped that at the start of lockdown. I work from home.

I haven't been away from my children since March. For a single minute. I've spent that entire time hoping my business survives so I can continue to pay the mortgage, homeschooling whilst working, supporting my DCs mental health during a complete lifestyle upheaval...

I'm sick of married friends on full time pay in secure jobs telling me how hard it is.

@Shaniac

I don't know why you and OP don't just become single parents yourselves if it's so great.

Lots of people do become single mothers by choice. Isnt a strange notion.

But OP isn't...

I think people are missing the point here.
As OP said, single parents who have no to little involvement with the other parent have the hardest job in the world. However, those who have 50/50 care most likely DO get a break. I know as I am seeing someone in this position. He shares 50% of the childcare with his ex so we are able to go on long weekends away and nights out without worrying about childcare. So yes, he does get a break as does his ex.

I think people are missing the point here

Yeah! You can, as a couple, have a lovely weekend break. Brilliant.

We are discussing single parents. Your partner does not have full responsibility for his household. He has you too. He is not paying for everything. He has you too. He isn't alone when he shuts the door at night. He has you there too. He can go out for a pint of milk at 10pm. Because he has you there too. He isn't solely responsible for cleaning your house. Because he has you there too. He isn't making decisions about his child without first being able to discuss what he's thinking and feeling. Because he has you there too. He isn't alone in trying to juggle his child's illness and work. Because he has you there too and perhaps more importantly, that second wage (or if you're not working, the knowledge that you could go out and get a jo) if things got really bad financially.

There is no break from any of that just because you're not the one feeding your child this evening.

@Graphista

Nasty thread!

No single parents aren't getting a full break even if their kids aren't there full time because they STILL bear the majority if not all the load of the emotional, practical, financial and logistical needs of their family.

I've been in a 2 parent family where ex was there, as an army wife I've also had times when he was deployed after dd was born or on training exercise and I've been a single mum.

I guarantee you the single parenting was the toughest and most relentless.

There's NOBODY else to bear any of the load in any meaningful way.

If you're struggling for whatever reason address that with their dad and if they're old enough with dc to an extent (ie if they're old enough to do more chores and aren't doing or are unnecessarily creating work for you)

On the rare occasions when ex had dd I used that time to catch up on housework that was lagging, sorting my budget, shopping, sleep!

I wasn't sat on my arse relaxing!

I sincerely strongly advise you to NEVER even give a hint of these thoughts to your single parent friends you have NO IDEA what it's like for them!

REALLY OFFENSIVE POST!

That’s your experience. It’s a million miles away from mine and lots of others.

You can’t just make a blanket statement on behalf of every single parent same as a married parent can’t make a blanket statement about all parent who still live with their partners

My ex husband only used to have my kids one day a week or fortnight, and not even that much after a while. I still found it easier being a single mother to 5 than being married to him. YANBU.

When I had a H who worked long hours, "networked" after work and had a time consuming "hobby"I would have agreed with you, OP.

Then he left and I realised I was wrong. As a single parent you have to do everything with no one to talk it through with, no one to make you a cup of tea, no one to "take the bins out" or other stereotypically male job... you do everything. If your life is like that with a partner at home your partner is an arse.

Wow what a pile on. You are being flamed OP but I get where you are coming from. DH is great and helps when he can, but 99% of childcare and mental load is on me, plus I have to sort out his life admin too. He can't cope with the children solo for more than a couple of hours at a time so weekend breaks are non existent.

I sometimes fantasise about divorce because then I would get court mandated days to myself every couple of weeks. However I also happen to love him, manchild that he may be, so I stick with it.

@Feelingthelobe that's why I said in my experience.

I appreciate other people will have had different experiences.

But for me the emotional burden of carrying all the worry and responsibility makes it harder. The worry of how to cope if I am ill or if the kids are ill and I can't get childcare.
The situation in found myself in a few years back when DS (3 at the time) broke his leg after a fall at gymnastics and I had to take 3 weeks unpaid leave from work to look after him until he was able to return to nursery/childminder. As I single income household that was a major stress trying to still pay the bills with no income and ex partner did not offer any support financially or otherwise.

I appreciate though every situation is different. Some people have wonderful co-parenting set ups and may then have it easier in some ways than someone in an unsupportive relationship. But personally I think that in a good supportive relationship parenting as a couple easier than as a single parent.

@ArtichokeAardvark

Wow what a pile on. You are being flamed OP but I get where you are coming from. DH is great and helps when he can, but 99% of childcare and mental load is on me, plus I have to sort out his life admin too. He can't cope with the children solo for more than a couple of hours at a time so weekend breaks are non existent.

I sometimes fantasise about divorce because then I would get court mandated days to myself every couple of weeks. However I also happen to love him, manchild that he may be, so I stick with it.

How ingrained is the patriarchal structure that you're happy to stay with and love a man who does 1% of the childcare, does none of his own life admin, none of the children's life admin and can't cope with looking after HIS OWN children for more than a couple of hours?

What utter utter madness.

@ArtichokeAardvark

Wow what a pile on. You are being flamed OP but I get where you are coming from. DH is great and helps when he can, but 99% of childcare and mental load is on me, plus I have to sort out his life admin too. He can't cope with the children solo for more than a couple of hours at a time so weekend breaks are non existent.

I sometimes fantasise about divorce because then I would get court mandated days to myself every couple of weeks. However I also happen to love him, manchild that he may be, so I stick with it.

If your definition of a great DH is one that 'helps' (not shares) 1% of his time then I do pity you. Why do you think divorce would suddenly make him able to look after his children? A Court wouldn't make him have his kids if he didn't want to.

DH is great and helps when he can, but 99% of childcare and mental load is on me, plus I have to sort out his life admin too. He can't cope with the children solo for more than a couple of hours at a time

Ewwwww!

Just an update even tho I did debate whether to put this on

I spoke to 4 of my friends this morning regarding this post, and how I felt and how I see things

1 out of the 4 didn't agree but explained because she has 6 kids not all with the same father she has at least 2 of her kids 24/7 because all their dad's are not on the same schedule, which I agreed with her and told her she gets no break from her children

1 of them went as far as to say even if she got a new partner now she wouldn't consider having another child because she values the time she gets without her children and the small bit of freedom she has and now couldn't imagine going back to having a child or children in the house 24/7 without getting some resbite

The 2 others explained that they just prefer their free time to do with what the pleased and as a previous poster said (sorry I couldn't find your comment again) that once they got that free time they find when the kids come back that it is harder for them because they crave that free time again.

I explained that normally as they know I wouldn't say anything about it because EVERYONE single parent, lone parent, widower etc the list goes on deserves a bit of free time, I just have found lockdown especially hard this time and found it alot more stressful being stuck in the house more often than not with Christmas and the fact my DS had a birthday 3 weeks ago money was tight and I was having a hard time and felt like when I was bringing it up, not for sympathy may I add but to make it a talking point maybe get their views or advice on how to cope with it, that I was being brushed off as having an easy time because I have a partner when it's not always the case

End of the line we all agreed when this was all over to arrange something we could all attend to get that much needed social time

I apologised for seeing some things in black and white when things are always as straight forward as they seem, they apologised for brushing me off

Respite

I’m a single parent and my dd is at her dad’s 2 nights a week. I have Sundays all to myself.

It’s nice having a day every week. I exercise, I clean the house, I meet a friend for coffee or lunch.

It’s nice not living with my ex because he was horrible to me.

But my ex doesn’t give me any money. He isn’t very cooperative about ‘extra’ stuff like if I need to swap days or for him to pick her up from school in an emergency. We don’t make plans together about our daughter’s future.

It’s hard carrying all the stuff on my own. I would love to be less lonely than I am, In making big decisions and balancing the books. particularly now after almost a year of not really being able to hang out with anyone or have a hug, working full time at home, feeling fearful of the future alone...

But yeah I get a day to myself every week.

I’m a single parent and yes I get some weekends ‘off’. However the mental load is relentless. My dc once needed an ambulance at 1am and I had to hurriedly pack our overnight bags, sort the pets, deal with ill child in hospital then arrange how we were going to get home the next day. I dread getting ill myself .Those and other situations are tough times to deal with as the only adult so please don’t begrudge your single friends their free weekend time.

@acommonreader I never begrudge them their free time I have never said that in all of the posts I have posted, they most definitely deserve it, i had a gripe with the fact they were getting their free time and 1-2 days after getting having their free time were complaining about how they were desperate for a break and couldn't wait for 2-3 days later so the kids were with their dad's again but if I said which I did say yeah I could do with a break which is all I said I got met with "you are lucky you have a partner"

That was my point not that I begrudge anyone free time because parenting is hard its what everyone of us signed up for but that doesn't make it less hard

I don't live with my DP actually.
I am there over a weekend but not through the week.

I was (well still am I guess as I'm still single and still a parent, just to an almost adult now) a single parent.
From my experience, yabu because my 'free' eow was spent working to earn extra money in reflection of the fact I received no maintenance, was on a low wage working full time hours anyway and the bald fact was that I needed the money. So I either had DD, or was at work. Ran the house, did all the organising and made the decisions because there was a lack of input. Didn't even have anyone to bounce ideas/suggestions off of, so the mental load and the concequences of those decisions were mine alone too.
I appreciate other people have other experiences, but I know a lot like me.

Lol OP, I love threads like this where people seem shocked to find out that having kids is hard work, and yeah you are stuck with them a lot of time! Shocking!

Well I suppose some single parents get a break. If both parents have the children for some of the time then yes it's easier. However a lot of single parents do it on their own all the time so that's harder.
I don't ever get a break but I don't really want to. If a parent only has their children 50%of the time or 75%then they surely don't need any more of a break?