To be sick of hearing....

[Wibblywobbly40]

Before anyone jumps on me this not aimed at everyone but a select few

AIBU to be sick of hearing i need a break or you are lucky from single parent friends (who's children's fathers are involved).

I understand everyone needs a break from their parenting life but I find my single parent friends seem to crave that break alot even though all of my single parent friends only have their kids some 50/50 and a couple 5 days a week. They also like to tell me and a couple of other friends we are lucky to have partners to split the load.

In reality or at least my reality I have my DC's 24/7 regardless whether their dad is home or not the majority of us family households don't get 2-3 night breaks each week, my DH works full time sometimes 13 hour days which is bringing him in late so most of the time DC's are in bed but when he is off and we are splitting the load neither of us get a break regardless until they go to bed.

I think we are very lucky and blessed to be able to enjoy the kids together, but him walking through the door doesn't automatically mean I get a break it's means then there are 2 of us making the load lighter.

Is it only me that thinks that way that in reality single parents get more of a break than parents together get?? And single parents shouldn't automatically assume that's its easier because there is 2 of us??

@Callardandbowser

This thread saddens me because you’re ignoring how heart breaking and back breaking it is to be a single parent.

This sums it up so well - emotional intelligence is lacking a bit maybe.

I dont think YABU OP. Everyone's situation is different. Its seems to be gospel on MN that single parents can say they have it so hard and presume those in a relationship have it easier. But god forbid you say what have in your post for fear of upsetting a single parent. And just because two parent family feel they dont get a break shouldn't automatically mean the DP is useless as suggested above.

So maybe I have been silly enough to think this is what single parents do

Do you really only know 3 or 4 single parents and they all behave the same? Broaden your circle.

All the close minded comments on here.....people ought to look in the mirror. OP is clearly having a hard time, has pointed out examples of single friends having a (physical) break more so that her in a couple. Its nothing to do with the emotional side and how heartbreaking it is for single parents, really dont think the responses on here are justified.

I can't comment on having a 'break' because DD is only 11 months and so no breaks are had here (except the odd lie in til half seven...) however, I don't think it's just the physical caring and breaks, I think it's also having someone to talk things through with, someone to lean on when you're worried if they have a fever and don't know what to do; someone to listen to the amazing thing they did that day and feel the same amount of joy as you do. It's one thing to spend all my time with DD or do the majority of care because DH is at work but if I also had to shoulder the mental load alone I would find that extremely difficult.

I can't speak for single parents as I am not one; but I would find it very difficult to not be able to share the emotional aspects of caring for my baby with their other parent.

What is a "break"?

@chuffedasbuttons

I never get a weekend off but when I did - I used to sleep the whole thing.

I have mine 24/7

You're wrong. It's not about the effort of looking after them and a home, it's this PLUS the mental load and responsibility on one pair of shoulders.

This is why your friends moan. The mental load is much much more exhausting and when you're not co-parenting happily, it's a constant emotional drag.

So I shall say nicely - shut up

You said it better than I did I think!

My break was going to work, when my ex had the kids. That soon stopped when he couldnt be arsed to see or have them for a wkend. Been over 8 yrs since he has had them at his place, and he wonders why they cant be bothered now with him.

@Nostrings457

All the close minded comments on here.....people ought to look in the mirror. OP is clearly having a hard time, has pointed out examples of single friends having a (physical) break more so that her in a couple. Its nothing to do with the emotional side and how heartbreaking it is for single parents, really dont think the responses on here are justified.

Would her friends having a hard time too improve her situation in any way? What's the point?

I don't care why other parents need a break or how many they already had. I just commiserate and say I should've stuck to cats.

I have friends that are single mums,married mums, SAHM, working mums , well off and dirt poor and every mix in between. The ALL moan about something or other ,most things are actually very similar just at different levels. I don't tell the ones in a better situation than me to shut up.

Can someone point out to me where I said being a single parent is great, I must have missed saying that because I don't think it is or where I said their lives where easier or better than mine because I also never said that, I think everyone should be treat equal.

IF I had came on here and said I was sick of couples complaing about needing a break when there is 2 of them I am sure I would have got alot of people on my back then aswell

Mental health I will just touch on that for a second, I have it I have severe health anxiety which stops me from doing alot of day to day things at times but I have waited until now to address it because believe it or not it does not just extend to single parent families it has, it does not care whether you are single, alone, partnered, married or surrounded with friends it will effect anyone

If your relationship is good and you say your DP does just as much as you, you cant seriously think you have it harder than a single parent? (yes even one who is co parenting)

You could have the same break if you arranged it with your DP, you might want a break together but it's what the SP gets, a kid free night/weekend. A bit of misplaced green eyed monster going on here.

Goodness OP you’ve really got no idea what it’s like to be a single parent. I was a single parent for 4 years and it was hard. Now with DP and we have a blend which is tough going too! But nothing to what it was like when I was solo. Try working out the logistics of working/childcare, paying for that childcare, managing the day to day stuff with children and the never ending list of things that needs to get done, the sheer drudgery of it and not having someone to talk to at the end of the day.

However it was the mental/emotions load that was the most difficult; there is no one else there to step in when you’re struggling or to talk through concern with. I worried so much in those 4 years. My ex used to take the kids for a weekend every 3 weeks or so, honestly yes I loved the break but the reality was in those weekends I used to catch up on stuff I couldn’t do with 2 small kids around like batch cooking, sorting the garden, taking the dog to the vet etc etc.

But honestly.

OP i see exactly where you are coming from. A few of my friends have exs who actually have their children, or family members, hell some of them even receive maintenance money too.

I do get jealous.

But I also get jealous of people in your position. That isn't your fault I hasten to add. But I would really like to have a poo in peace, just one, where someone doesn't need something. I would like someone else to help with some adult decisions occasionally, so that I don't wake bolt upright at 4am wondering if I remembered to do something. I would like a bath, without everyone in the house having to empty their bowels at the same time. I would like the Freedom to be ill and not have to crawl to the kitchen to make them food. I would sometimes just like to be able to lock myself out the garden in the rain, leaving them safe inside with another adult, without them seeing it as a game and climbing out of the window to join me. I would like to be able to cry.

So, yes, I agree, life is not fair. Never has been, never will be.

@smallsteps88 I actually know 6 single mothers if you want the exact number I don't get why I should broaden my circle should I not be friends with them because they are single parents??

LOL OP. Just LOL. Yes it is only you thinking that.

DH and I are still together and neither of us work long hours. It makes parenting 100000 easier, there being TWO of us.

Cansomeone point out to me where I said being a single parent is great

Oh come on! Your opening post is all about how much more of a break they get than you, and then you just double down on that more and more. They go out, they get the dads to take the kids longer, they get more of a break than you. Literally the entire point of you posting this thread was to complain about single parents saying they have it tough when they get More Of A Break Than You. Come on, how can you post this and then suddenly ask why anyone would think you're saying the things you're saying?

Anyway, you asked if you were being unreasonable. There's a pretty clear consensus overall, so what are you going to do with your answer?

I don't get why I should broaden my circle should I not be friends with them because they are single parents??

Broaden your circle doesn’t mean stop being friends with them, it means, make other friends too, with different circumstances. Then maybe you’d stop believing all single parents are exactly like the 6 people you know.

BTW OP you didn’t answer why you and your husband haven’t given each other a break.

Personally I DO get more of a break as a single parent. Because when I was with exH he was "always working" (self employed WFH and forever locked in his office but I know it was actually a convenient excuse not to spend time with us or do anything). I couldn't even pop to the shop for milk without him making a fuss and I'd often take the kids with me.I did all the cooking, school stuff, life admin, full mental load. I do all that now of course - except EOW for 3 days/2 nights I get actual time e to myself. And I have the added bonus of not having a manchild piss me off constantly. I know several single friends who feel the same.

If your DC's father isn't involved then that must be so so hard. But people who do have their exes involved, as in overnight stays at regular agreed times - well sorry but you DO get a break.

Everyone's situation is different and everyone will have different needs.

I am a LP. My ds is disabled. His father hasn't been seen nor heard of your over a decade.

I have single parent friends with 1 child who do 50/50, some who do 50/50 with more than 1 child, some who have EOW and some who also has a midweek.

I have friends in marriages and partnerships with 1 or more children.

Some of these families have working parents.

Some have re married, have partners etc.

Some of my friends who work, have a DH (step dad for kids) and have EOW, maintenance as well are the ones who moan the most.

I don't. What's the point? No ones gonna listen and suddenly produce support so I just get wound up more by morning to a deaf audience.

I often think those that moan the least actually have it hardest.

@ShebaShimmyShake not sure what you want me to with the answer like I have said I don't think a single life is great I think getting a break would be fantastic yes but not at the cost of my relationship.

@smallsteps88 we are in lock down at the moment 2 weeks before that we went into tier 3 so we're not allowed to go into other people's houses and lastly if I am not working normally DH is working until about 9pm which at that time I wouldn't consider going out or inviting people around because when he gets up with the children the next day they would have me awake anyway so after having a late night 6-7am wake up calls wouldn't be great

I’m raising a disabled child by myself, no input from exH, he couldn’t cope with having a disabled child so he left, poor lamb. I realise that I am in the minority who still has to wipe their teenagers bum and brush their teeth but I do this 24/7, no break, no school at the moment as they are ECV. YABU.

Yeah but he doesn’t work every day til 9pm does he?

@itsgettingweird too true about those who moan the least have it the hardest. We just get on with it and have a cry when we go to bed....alone.

I think getting a break would be fantastic yes but not at the cost of my relationship.

Well, there you have it. That's the cost of getting all these breaks. Most definitely worth it if your relationship is miserable or your partner actually adds to your workload, but assuming he's a full team player...yes, that's the cost.

Is there a reason you and your husband can't give each other a break? My husband and I each get time to do our own thing and have the odd weekend away, pre-Covid.