To be sick of hearing....

[Wibblywobbly40]

Before anyone jumps on me this not aimed at everyone but a select few

AIBU to be sick of hearing i need a break or you are lucky from single parent friends (who's children's fathers are involved).

I understand everyone needs a break from their parenting life but I find my single parent friends seem to crave that break alot even though all of my single parent friends only have their kids some 50/50 and a couple 5 days a week. They also like to tell me and a couple of other friends we are lucky to have partners to split the load.

In reality or at least my reality I have my DC's 24/7 regardless whether their dad is home or not the majority of us family households don't get 2-3 night breaks each week, my DH works full time sometimes 13 hour days which is bringing him in late so most of the time DC's are in bed but when he is off and we are splitting the load neither of us get a break regardless until they go to bed.

I think we are very lucky and blessed to be able to enjoy the kids together, but him walking through the door doesn't automatically mean I get a break it's means then there are 2 of us making the load lighter.

Is it only me that thinks that way that in reality single parents get more of a break than parents together get?? And single parents shouldn't automatically assume that's its easier because there is 2 of us??

DH was a single parent before I met him and had DSS 50/50. It is the hard slog of doing it alone, coming back from work, doing the nursery run, cooking, cleaning, bath, bed, alone. No one to help out when you kid is crying and dinner is burning etc. But also no one to tell about the little thing your son did that day that was funny or clever. Or how you worry that you handled a situation badly. DH was young so knew no other parents (all his mates were living it up in the pub while he changed nappies and had no one to hang out with aged 22 who wanted to go the park all day) . No family help (his dad didn't met his grandson for 2 years). So even though we now have 4 kids it isn't easier because we have each other to rely on.

Omg if we are going to get into single and lone then when someone asks you on a form are you single, in a civil partnership, divorced, separated, widower you would tick single unless you were previously married which would be divorced or sepeerated again if you were married but not yet legally divorced, lone parent is not an option on a legal form you are a single person with children

I obviously was talking about people I know I thought we got that from that from the first post

It isn't easier to be a single parent...that sentence should've said.

I agree op. My own dm raised us mostly alone as my df was away with the military 6 months of the year and when he was around he was a very hands off dad and husband and an alcoholic who made twice as much work for dm. Her life was definitely harder than that of many of her single parent friends.

I don't think any mother - I wasn't going to say any parent, but if I included all dads in this I would be lying - I don't think any mother gets a real break from the minute she gets that positive pregnancy test. OP I think your 'so the kids are away and what's the problem' attitude really lacking in empathy. Having a lie in whilst being aware of your kids being happy and looked after downstairs is one thing. Having a lie in, in an empty house, whilst wondering what your kids are doing, if they're getting breakfast, if they're happy, when they're coming home, if they're coming home! It's not quite the same is it?

If its not easier with 2 of you then you need to look at your DP.

^^
This, and also

You're wrong. It's not about the effort of looking after them and a home, it's this PLUS the mental load and responsibility on one pair of shoulders.

This is why your friends moan. The mental load is much much more exhausting and when you're not co-parenting happily, it's a constant emotional drag.

You’re so unreasonable OP. I hope you don’t ever find out!

I obviously was talking about people I know I thought we got that from that from the first post

Really? You weren’t generalising about the fun, fun, fun times single parents have when they gleefully, without so much as a backward glance, send their children off to their ex? Because I don’t see any recognition of the slog it is to be alone and responsible for children.

Sorry posted too soon. My point was being a single parent doesn't automatically make your life harder and being in a partnership doesnt automatically make it easier. I do roll my eyes at the constant single mother equals poor and struggling trope you hear everywhere.

I also agree with dressinggownofdoom

You never really relax when your kids are away, especially if you left your ex because he’s a shit of one kind or another, because you worry if they’re ok. Because they’re often not happy with their other parent and courts don’t care. Then they come back and it’s all on you 24/7 again, often with children who are upset or acting out because of the way their Dad has been.

Haha, GTFO.

I do roll my eyes at the constant single mother equals poor and struggling trope you hear everywhere

I don’t think anyone has said that, though. You’re putting words in our mouths. The point is the OP - and you - can’t see the bigger picture and how that plays out on a day to day basis. I am sorry that some relationships are utter shite - but that really isn’t comparing like with like, is it? Just because some people in a couple have it hard, doesn’t negate the difficulties associated with single parenting and few of those are money related. It suits the agenda, however, to ignore that.

Don't blame single parents for your poor decision to have children with a man who doesn't pull his weight.

I do roll my eyes at the constant single mother equals poor and struggling trope you hear everywhere.

Trope?

You hear it everywhere BECAUSE IT IS REALITY.

JFC

@DaddysGirlForLife

I agree with you Op! Two of my single friends get 2 whole weekends to themselves a month. They still moan. I think they have it better off than those that are married. Hahaha

You're playing fast and loose with the term "friends" if that's how you feel about them

OP if you were, working and paying for childcare when your DH didn't have a job what the fuck was he doing? I actually think you are just exaggerating and being goady.

@ZolaGrey

Don't blame single parents for your poor decision to have children with a man who doesn't pull his weight.

Oh yes of course the woman is to blame for the men not pulling his weight fuck me MN is being particularly annoying this evening.

I am another one who has been seriously upset by this. I have just stopped working tonight and I do that every day, and have done for years. I don't regret it for a moment, but like others have said, it is a huge weight to carry alone. I am not at all resentful of parents who are together - I am pleased for them, but I am very tired of attitudes about single parents. Remember: I have paid every bill, cooked every meal, been to every parents evening, done every doctors trip and emotionally supported my children. Like many other single parents have also done. It has been really hard.

Here's a genuine question why is it people on this thread are quite happy to bring up how hard it is to only have one wage and doing everything yourself on how hard that is everyone is saying yes exactly, but when I say I am not immune to how hard it is financially to be the only person bring money into tho house because I have done it myself, I am seen as kicking people when they are down?? It's me saying dont jump on me for being in a better position than I was a couple of years ago and trust me I know how hard it is to be the only person bringing money in and wondering where your next meal will come from or splitting your money up to spending £5 a day to feed a family of 4 or how on earth you get your children to have magical Christmases without the sheer amount of presents other children get, I know how hard that is and have the most sympathy for my friends and single parents who struggle but do assume that I have lived my life with a silver spoon in my mouth because I certainly have not and I do empathise with my friends I will help out where I can for them but when I am struggling to get a break myself I do not want to say this and get back well you are lucky because you have your DH and to my point again is why do they have the right to be needing a break but not me if I voice it.

Which so many of you have proved on this thread that I should shut my mouth because I have a partner and everyone that doesn't has a harder life and I couldn't begin to understand apparently

I don’t think anyone has said that, though. You’re putting words in our mouths. The point is the OP - and you - can’t see the bigger picture and how that plays out on a day to day basis. I am sorry that some relationships are utter shite - but that really isn’t comparing like with like, is it? Just because some people in a couple have it hard, doesn’t negate the difficulties associated with single parenting and few of those are money related. It suits the agenda, however, to ignore that.

I dont just mean on this thread its everywhere including all over MN. The implication that single mothers are hard done by no matter what, the implication that they dont have support or money. Thats true for many many single mothers but it doesnt make it universal and it doesnt mean many married or coupled women arent struggling more yet getting less outside help as they are deemed lucky as they have a partner.

Im sure the point the op was getting at was her life was just as hard and yet that gets brushed off because she is "lucky" enough to be in a couple.

My point merely was i have seen it from both sides and would never judge someone as being more needy or having a harder life just because they are single.

My dps ex is a single mother and she gets most of our money, each month she has more money than the pair of us and we buy everything for the dc and he takes his dc everyday and brings her back when the ex says so i certainly wouldnt say her life was hard as a single mother at all even though she thinks shes so hard done by and has the audacity to ask for more money like it grows on trees.

Wow what a thread!

I see I’m not really meant to comment as I’m only a widow who’s been working and bringing up my children alone for the past 4 years, having spent the previous 3.5 years working and caring for my family whilst DH slowly died of cancer.

Are you sure you need a break that much, or that it’s so hard to find?!

I’m keenly aware that there are loads of single parents who need a break much more than me. You only need to read a few threads on here. Lots of them have ex husbands. Ex husbands, strangely enough, aren’t always a ticket to a restful life.

I'm a single parent. Daughter is two. I've had 45 minutes without her since she wss born and that was May last year. Her father has never seen her. He doesn't give me anything for her. I have no family in this country. 50 bloody 50. Haha.

Im sure the point the op was getting at was her life was just as hard and yet that gets brushed off because she is "lucky" enough to be in a couple

You couldn’t have missed the point more if you’d really tried. And you didn’t try.

My dps ex is a single mother and she gets most of our money, each month she has more money than the pair of us

This says it all. You’re one of those new partners. Can’t bear the thought of an ex getting on with life and being OK with it. She doesn’t get ‘most of our money’ and if she harps more than you then good for her for earning well. You really can’t stand it, can you? Unless single parents fit your stereotype, how dare they have any kind of life.

Here's a genuine question why is it people on this thread are quite happy to bring up how hard it is to only have one wage and doing everything yourself on how hard that is everyone is saying yes exactly, but when I say I am not immune to how hard it is financially to be the only person bring money into tho house because I have done it myself

Are you really that idiotic? Really? Genuine question? You are not a single parent. The situation you describe is not the same. You are trying to compare apples with pears.

You're the one who turned it into a competition OP by declaring how much easier single parents have it. Life is hard for everyone in various ways and for various reasons, you started this.

This says it all. You’re one of those new partners. Can’t bear the thought of an ex getting on with life and being OK with it. She doesn’t get ‘most of our money’ and if she harps more than you then good for her for earning well. You really can’t stand it, can you? Unless single parents fit your stereotype, how dare they have any kind of life.

Did you feel good with that extrapolation? she doesnt fucking earn a penny the lazy cunts never worked a day in her entire life. Also im not a new partner. And yes she does get most of our money. We are both on nmw and after all our bills and rent is paid we have £500 left between us in which she gets £350 of it along side us buying every nappy, clothing item and food that child has. Oh in our bills her internet and electricity is included in our bills. Shes not hard done by no matter how much she cries she is.