How to approach husband WFH to ask for more help

[JKDcot]

Hi

Lockdown is weird. My husband has worked from home (our spare bedroom...) since March. He is very conscientious and can often be in the room on calls/emailing from 7.30am-6pm. He has never taken a day off sick and hardly takes a lunch break. He gets paid an average salary and works in corporate so hardly important/rewarding.

We’ve got a 5 month old son and I just feel he prioritises work over us. I need more help and he’s making me feel bad for asking for it. I think he’ll regret working so hard as it’s obvious companies don’t give a shite about their employees and would fire them in an instant when they aren’t making double digit growth anymore.

I am proud of him and love him for his values but feel so fed up. My maternity leave is basically sitting around the house due to lockdown so it’s frustrating seeing how much time and energy is given elsewhere.

Am I being unreasonable to complain?

If he was physically in his workplace you would have to just get on with it as best as you can, I think eating lunch together and breaks yes, but just because he is working from home does not mean he can scive.

@madcatladyforever

I think you should count your blessings really. I was a single mum and had to go back to nursing full time when my son was 6 weeks old. I did absolutely everything including and never ever got a break of any kind. At least you are looked after.

Same, I am a nurse, went back to 4 nights a week when my eldest was 4 months old, then came home and was up all day with my son until my ex came home at teatime, then back off to work for me. It just about killed me.

@mynameiscalypso

How involved is he when he's not working? DH is also WFH at the moment and generally starts at 6am and finishes around 8pm. He does try and come out for half an hour before DS' bedtime. We see him occasionally during the day but he doesn't take breaks as such and we don't disturb him. For all intents and purposes, it's like he's not here and I deal with everything baby related. When he's not working, we split care of DS. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't expect to do anything other than work either and sometimes that will involve long hours. At the moment, I'm on parental leave so can facilitate DH working the hours he needs to. When I return to work, we'll have to compromise more. But our careers are important to both of us and we both have the kind of jobs where contracted hours mean absolutely nothing.

Can you not see your husband is treating you the same? You are telling us he works 14 hour days and you leave him too if?

Of course you can be in a job where you regularly work more than contracted hours. I have very rarely worked 9-5. But for most people in most jobs, it's not every day.

I think he is avoiding baby duties/responsibilities. Many people have highly demanding jobs and still help with their children. It is easier for many to go to work, earn money, build a career than looking after young children full time.

I think he might regret not trying to be a bit more present while he’s at home. Yes he’s busy but I’m sure he could probably make time for a lunch break with you or make sure he’s doing bed time for the baby.

Sounds like he is hiding from childcare. God know we all try to sometimes. "Working" is a brilliant excuse because as we can see here it is so easy to defend.
Get into a routine of popping baby in with him at 5.15pm and going out for an hour's walk yourself. Treat it as if you are giving him valuable bonding time after a busy day on the computer. He might even enjoy it!

DH is also WFH at the moment and generally starts at 6am and finishes around 8pm

Lmao just too easy for these men isn't it.

I work in technology in a very senior position and work similar hours from home but am continually surprised by those who just don't understand how to or want to work flexibly. And i think it is flexibility that is the issue here and not necessarily asking him to do less. I think its extremely rare when wfh that people actually can't-its a mindset change though.

For example, when we have an all hands call where cameras are off and mics muted i do an hours ironing. It works for my employer and me because i am listening intently but just occupying my hands in a way that works for my household. Gamechanger.

Yesterday i needed to do some research for my strategy reset-i found some good youtube content so watched them whilst prepping tea. The same thing i would have done at my desk but i made it work for the household.

Because i do more then my hours every week. If i get a surprisingly light day diary wise i capitalise and get extra things done at home. I also do a power ten. When a call ends early and i get an unexpected ten mins back i run off and empty the washer/put laundry away/make beds/pay a bill/order a gift. It actually helps me clear my head and feel less stressed so helps with my work too.

This is my way but am showing that it is possible to be both committed and involved in home life. Perhaps if he likes to stay in the study gradually bring him Back in by asking him to do things online to help between calls-pay a bill etc. Or you take DC out for a long walk and ask him to empty the washer between tasks.

Today i start homeschooling DD6 alongside my wfh job again. But just 14 days this time! There is just me so i have to suck it up. You are now unreasonable for wanting him to check in a couple of times a day even if it is just for moral support or to say hello.

@PyongyangKipperbang

OP would be crazy to take advice from someone who thinks they should spy on their husband’s internet usage. Please read your post back and see if normal people would behave like this. What next...boil his bunny?

And in the real world people don’t work 9-5, certainly not in majority high paid stressful jobs, certainly not in these times. Though OP has replied to say how senior her husband is.

I was in the same position and exDH was going out to work 3 hours early(unpaid) each morning. With hindsight he was using it as a way of not having to contribute to the running of the house, 2 young children. In my mind if I then switched to working from home my immediate thought would be all the extra time we could all spend as a family how many extra little jobs I could get done when saving the travel time, his priorities were different. It highlighted how alone and unsupported I felt and was one of the small contributing factors in our separation. He was working 15 hours extra unpaid per week leaving me to not only work but do 99% of housework, childcare etc x

Shehadsomuchpotential I think has some good tips there.

I think OP I would be a bit sad if my DH was wfh and we had a very young baby that he was not wanting to at least hold and interact with at lunchtime or something like that. A few of my DD's friend's Dads have started to do school pick up because they are now WFH and I know for sure that one of them will work for half an hour and then stretch his legs put a wash on, go back, work for 30mins and stress his legs again etc he said it is great as him and his wife who works full time don't have the laundry at the weekend to do as wfh he can take 5 mins here and there. Both of the Dads I'm thinking of work in IT, data compliance security though so I don't know if it's as easy if you say work in law. I know that my husband is able to occasionally pick up and does drop off at a later start time of 9.30 as I have to be in work. Is your DP/DH doing lots of interactive work?

@ArcheryAnnie

PutYourHeadscarfOnNorma but we aren't talking about his working day - we are talking about a substantial chunk of time before his working day begins, and after his working day has ended.

Well... yes and no. I have never had or known of a 'proper' job where you can work only your contracted hours. My experience is that the work has to be done, however long it takes. And if you're not willing to put in the extra time, there's always a potential replacement who is.

PutYourHeadscarfOnNorma the time we are talking about was the time he was previously commuting - he wasn't that entire time at the office before. So while yes, I've already acknowledged that it's usual to do a bit extra from time to time, he's now doing way more office time than he did pre-covid. (And presenteeism is inefficient and unproductive anyway.)

madcatladyforever
I think you should count your blessings really. I was a single mum and had to go back to nursing full time when my son was 6 weeks old. I did absolutely everything including and never ever got a break of any kind. At least you are looked after.

galaxycookiecrumble
Same, I am a nurse, went back to 4 nights a week when my eldest was 4 months old, then came home and was up all day with my son until my ex came home at teatime, then back off to work for me. It just about killed me.

This is insane. I was a working single parent, too, with no money at all, and it nearly killed me, too. There's no reason why the OP should have to put up with this shit just because we had to. Her husband is RIGHT THERE, just hiding.

I think the discussion about working fixed hours, or not, is distracting a bit from what the OP is asking.
Presumably, the OP's DH ordinarily would have a commute. Say for argument sake, it's an hour each way. So that time is now being swallowed up by work. He needs to give at least some of that time to family life, IMO.
It is easier, I am sure, to sit in a quiet room, and work away, undisturbed than devote a bit of time to interacting with family, especially the part involved with childcare, baby changing and feeding, for example. But it's an opt out, on behalf of the person doing it, and unfair to the rest of the family. He might open that door one of the days to find all that he has missed.

As I said upthread, I worked with someone who stayed in the office crazy hours, but yet never delivered to deadlines and was considered a dosser. His children are older now, but I could well imagine him having to be closeted in a room, for his oh so important work, leaving his wife to cope with home schooling and the lot, during lockdown. Regardless of the fact that she had a demanding job also.

OP, YANBU. I think a conversation is required, in relation to priorities. WFH does require adjusting to, but this current set up is not fair to you.

I dont think you're being unreasonable.

Did he previously have a commute? If so, why not use that (previousing) commuting time to spend with you and the baby? Add in a lunch break and it'll feel he's more present, but will hopefully also get the work done he needs to do

No, and don't let him make you feel bad, ask him if he would do it anyway

I don't think anyone in this thread can know whether he's being unreasonable or not. Completely depends on his job and the pressures on him.

You're definitely not being unreasonable to want more of his company and a greater amount of co-parenting, OP. You might be unreasonable to expect it or demand it, depending on his work circumstances.

For what it's worth, I was on the other side of this in lockdown 1: my work went crazy and I was working ridiculous hours, whilst my DH was furloughed and then made redundant. I was furious with him for constantly interrupting my working day and piling extra expectations on me when I was about to fall over with stress, he was furious with me for ignoring him all day and not picking up house and family stuff when he was really low and stressed about being made redundant and needed more support than I was giving him. Eventually we had a blow up about it, and then each made some compromises. But neither of us was really in the wrong, it was just a hard set of circumstances and we weren't communicating well.

To be fair I don't think you're being unreasonable and I think you can just ask him outright. My dp works 8-5.30 in the spare bedroom, works through his lunch but does spare 5 mins every now and again to pop his head in and say hi and have a cuddle with our 6mo. If I ask he will come on a walk with us after work and he helps me put ds to bed, while doing his bottles and other little useful bits. And weekends are entirely dedicated to us.
So YANBU as it is possible.
I don't agree he's an idiot for working some free hours as he might be trying to stand out and get further in the company.

YANBU

@SuperAlly

I can’t even with this thread.

I feel like...is it made up of people who have never worked in the real world?!

I’m a solicitor in a large firm. If I down tools at 5pm and work to my contracted hours, I don’t finish the work and I don’t meet the deadlines, we ultimately lose clients. It’s not simply presenteeism. I could kiss goodbye to any chance of promotion and would be lucky to avoid performance management. My workload is such that it can’t be done in a standard 35/40 hour week. And yes ideally they would recruit more staff etc but show me a law firm where this isn’t the case 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s not as simple as saying “he’s working 2.5 hours a day he’s not getting paid for”. Working in a professional salaried job is not the same as working in Tesco on an hourly rate. It would be lovely to work 9-5 but the simple facts are that that’s not going to get you very far. My salary is in the region of £60k. My core hours are 9-5 but the deal is that when the work dictates that I need to go above and beyond that, I will do.

I have two small children. My husband works in a similar job to me. We have no support from grandparents. We manage between us. It’s not easy but we do.

I get that it’s hard on mat leave. I really do. But if he needs to work, what else is he meant to do? It’s simply not as easy as not doing it, regardless of the rights and wrongs of that scenario.

This is not uncommon. And to be honest 6.30pm isn’t bad at all.

You earn more than double the UK average salary in a profession which notoriously expects actual blood, sweat and tears from its employees. Your choice, good for you.

OP's husband earns an average salary in the corporate world. There's no point comparing yourselves.

The longest hours I ever worked (absolutely not 9 to 5) was when I was paid less than average for the honour of working in publishing and where if our work didn't get done then very important clients would and could just leave for another agency.

I think most people understand that very many jobs aren't 9-5, doubtless sometimes not even the Tesco ones nasty little bit of snobbery there so I don't see why you are getting so worked up! They are trying to address op's particular issue with her husband. Who, let's face it, could make more time for them if he chose to.

Don't listen to some of the jobsworths on here OP, it's weird that he's doing overtime and not being paid with a 5 month old at home and it's even weirder that he's not even taking a lunch break to help out with chores so you can get a rest. I wouldn't be happy at all

@ArcheryAnnie

PutYourHeadscarfOnNorma the time we are talking about was the time he was previously commuting - he wasn't that entire time at the office before. So while yes, I've already acknowledged that it's usual to do a bit extra from time to time, he's now doing way more office time than he did pre-covid. (And presenteeism is inefficient and unproductive anyway.)

Oh goodness, yes, presenteeism is frightful. And I am speaking as someone who gave up a proper job 20 years ago when DC1 was born, because I didn't want to spend all (or in fact any of) my time at work. So I am no fan of this way of doing things...

I used to work way over my hours until I had children. Now I don't. It's not just my time anymore it's mine and my family's time. I would start a conversation with "do you think you are doing to much at work?" And take it from there. It's funny how I used to think I had to work late and couldn't get the work done if I didn't. I am no more or less highly regarded as I was then but mostly keep to my contracted hours.